“They’re counting on me,” she pointed out.
“They created their own problems,” he said. “Let them sort it out. We can go—right now. No one can stop us. This was never what you wanted.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she agreed. But before he could feel relief, she forced out, “Before.”
He pulled back as if she’d slapped him.
“What do I have to return to?” she asked, trying to make herself understand as much as make him. Having only come to this realization herself moments ago, she was still struggling with it. “I’ve never known what I wanted to do with my life. My parents are so busy, I see them maybe once or twice a year, and even when I do, they may as well be strangers. Not that it matters, because if I go back, I’ll have to leave those things behind anyway. To run. Again.”
He opened his mouth, but she didn’t let him speak.
“That’s all I’ve ever done, don’t you see? I ran from my family to boarding school. And I ran from my future by not even bothering to try to think of what I’d want to do. Did you know, I didn’t even look through the majors being offered at my college? Not once. I just clicked on ‘Undecided’ and let that be that. I didn’t think about it again.”
“Just because you’re good at being a Lissa doesn’t mean you have to spend your life being one.” He shook her a little. “Delaney, think this through. Tilda is gone. She can’t hold you to your promise. You don’t have to stay.”
“I know that.” It hurt, but she forced herself to pull away from him, drop his hands. “But I don’t have to leave, either. There’s no one left on this planet who’s going to take away my choices.”
“Are you forgetting about Trystan?” he demanded, a hint of anger slipping through.
“He won’t make me do anything I don’t want to. I trust that.”
“You can’t be serious? He’s made it pretty clear he fully intends to go through with the bonding ceremony and—” The stricken look that came over him then made her want to wrap her arms around him again, and it took all her strength to refrain from doing so.
“You say you want to be Basilissa because it gives you purpose,” he said after a moment, “but that’s not it, is it? That might be an added benefit, sure, but that’s not why you’re choosing to stay. Why you’re letting us go.”
“Ruckus.” She shook her head but he retreated.
“This isn’t my home anymore, Delaney. I can’t stay here. I don’t want to. I know what I want. Come with me.”
“I’m sorry.” She lifted her arms, then dropped them back at her sides. “I don’t know what else to say.”
“Tell me you’re not in love with him,” he demanded. “Even if all those other reasons you just gave are real, look me in the eye and tell me truthfully, you don’t actually want to stay because of Trystan.”
She stared at him, urging herself to do just that, to confirm that not wanting to abandon Vakar was her sole purpose for not going with him now.
But she couldn’t.
Never seeing Gibus or her other friends again would suck. Thinking about it hurt. So did the idea that she’d never get to see stellaperier light up at night, or get to experience something like the Dust Market. All those things made her feel a swell of disappointment the likes of which she’d never felt before.
Never seeing Trystan again, though? She sucked in a sharp breath. She wanted to be able to tell Ruckus what he needed to hear, because he looked gutted and she hated herself for being the cause of his pain.
But she couldn’t do that. Because it wouldn’t be fair.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated, not bothering to stop the tears that came with that confession.
“That you fell in love with someone else,” he asked, “or that you only just now realized it?”
“Ruckus—”
“Don’t.” He held up a hand, took another step back. “I have to go.”
“Please, can we just talk about this?”
“There’s really nothing more to say, Delaney.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Part of me already knew, I think. I’ve been watching you and him together. The way you both act … I was just hoping I was wrong, but I wasn’t. I…” He licked his lips. “I want to say I understand, but I don’t, not yet. I need time.”
“I love you, too,” she rushed out, not wanting to hurt him more, but also unable to just let him leave on such horrible terms. Maybe it was selfish, but she didn’t want to lose him, either.
“I know you do.” He was back in front of her in an instant, one hand cupping the side of her face while the other brushed a strand of hair off to the side. “And I love you. But you won’t go because you love him enough to stay, and I can’t be here to see that.”
She reached up to touch his wrist, wishing there was something she could say. Something she could do to make up for what she was putting him through.
“You have to let me go, Delaney,” he told her softly. “Let me go.”
She didn’t want to. After everything they’d done together, being separated seemed insane. Part of her was thinking the same thing part of him clearly was. How could she be making this choice?
Trystan’s words from the cave repeated in her mind. He’d told her she had to decide, and subconsciously that must have been what she’d been doing, because for once she had the option to do what felt right for her, and not just act the way others ordered her to.
And when she thought about the Zane, it felt right.
“Tell Mariana hey for me.” Her voice cracked at the end, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and forced herself to smile at him.
“I will,” he said softly.
“Don’t hate me.”
His mouth crushed against hers, the kiss rough and over just as suddenly as it’d begun. She didn’t try to keep him when he pulled back, when he met her sad gaze with his own tortured one.
“Never,” he whispered, almost too low for her to hear. “Until again, Delaney.”
Then he was spinning on his heel and practically running toward his ship. He took the stairs so fast, she barely had time to blink before the doors were closing behind him. A few heartbeats later it lifted into the air, easing its way through the opening in the ceiling.
Delaney wasn’t sure how long she stood there, staring up at the sky, but it was long after he’d completely disappeared from sight.
* * *
“THINKING OF JUMPING?” She tried not to react when Trystan jolted a little at her arrival. She’d never managed to sneak up on him before, so he must have been pretty lost in thought to allow it to happen now. “Yeah, it wasn’t really funny that time you said it, either.”
“Delaney.”
“What are you doing here, anyway?” The past hour had been spent looking for him all over the palace, but she’d been surprised when she’d glanced into Olena’s old rooms and found him out on the balcony. She moved up to his side and glanced over the edge to the ground below.
He was silent for such a long time, she actually thought he wasn’t going to bother responding. She could feel him watching her, but she didn’t turn to meet his gaze, honestly not sure if she could handle that at the moment.
“Reminiscing,” he finally said, turning away to stare back over at the Vakar hills. The sun was just beginning to set, resting a golden hue over everything.
“About anything in particular?” She thrummed her fingers against the railing, nervous suddenly.
“About everything, actually.”
“Well, I guess congratulations are in order,” she said, after an awkward moment of silence. “Is there a specific way I’m supposed to greet a new Rex or…?”
He grunted. “There’s no need for formalities.”
She blinked at him, making sure the move was more obvious than it needed to be, in a teasing way. “I’m sorry, but the Trystan I know is obsessed with being formal. In fact, he probably would have scolded me three times by now for not having bowed or whatever in his presence.”
“
You are as hilarious as ever, Delaney.”
“What’s it like?” she asked, trying to decide if that was the reason for his solemn mood. “Being king? Is it everything you hoped for?”
“It was never about hope for me. I was raised knowing that one day I would be Rex. There wasn’t a question involved, no doubts or room for me to decide I wanted something else.” He chuckled darkly. “I never even considered something else as an option. Don’t know what I would choose to do with my life other than lead my people into a better future.” He paused, waited for her to look at him again. “I know it’s not something you’ve ever wanted.”
This was it: She was just going to tell him and be done with it.
So of course he kept talking before she could.
“Did you come to say good-bye?”
All the words she’d carefully planned out in her head disappeared in a puff, replaced with confusion. “What?”
“This might not be my castle,” he told her, not meeting her gaze now, “but the Ander isn’t as subtle as he’d like to believe. I know about your plans; in truth, I thought you’d be gone by now.”
“You knew about Fawna flying us to Earth?” To say she was shocked would be an understatement.
“I’ll admit, sending the Sutter here to distract me was a smart move. But yes, I knew.” Finally he straightened, turning to fully face her. “I appreciate you coming to say good-bye, even if you weren’t going to actually say the words and risk me figuring it out. Thank you, Delaney.”
“We need to go back a step,” she said, twirling a finger in the air. “You’re saying you knew Ruckus and I were going to run off to Earth.”
“We’ve established that.” He frowned. “Are you feeling all right?”
“And you didn’t do anything to try to stop us?” Obviously he hadn’t; otherwise, she would have seen him racing after them in the hangar. “Why?”
“Why?” This time he was the one surprised. “Hadn’t I already taken enough from you? The last time we stood out here on this balcony, all I cared about was myself. Getting out of my father’s arrangement. Being freed from a situation I didn’t want. You called me a monster once, and you were right, because so was my father, and I was acting exactly like him. I wasn’t going to take away your choice again.”
She’d said as much to Ruckus, but truthfully, she’d only mostly believed it herself. Hearing him say the words now, confirming …
“What about being betrothed?”
“I want that, you do not, and this isn’t just about me, so—” He stopped abruptly when she took a deliberate step forward.
Slowly, she brought her hands to either side of his waist to steady herself, then lifted onto her toes so that they were only a breath away from each other.
The whole time he was as still as a statue, as if afraid to move, brow furrowed in confusion. He didn’t so much as flinch when she finally pressed her lips to his, tentatively at first, and then more persistently when he still didn’t budge.
She was actually starting to get a bit anxious by his complete lack of reaction, was just about to pull back when suddenly his hands were in her hair, cupping the base of her skull to keep her in place. She gasped when he responded to her kiss, lips parting against her own.
The first time they’d done this had been to an audience, because they’d had to, and she’d held back.
She didn’t want to do that anymore.
“Delaney.” He tore his mouth away suddenly, dropping his forehead against hers. His eyes were tightly closed and he looked like he was in agony.
“I’m not leaving,” she said quickly, knowing where his thoughts had taken him. That he believed she was doing this as a parting gift and not for the real reason she was.
He blinked. “But the Ander…”
“I let him go without me.”
“Why would you do that?”
She took a deep breath in a poor attempt to steady her shaky nerves. “I spent the past hour trying to figure out exactly what I’d say, and I’m still not sure it’s right. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to get kidnapped by aliens or brought to another planet or turned into royalty overnight. I was so focused on getting back home, on regaining control, that I buried what I was really feeling, and convinced myself that Earth was where I belonged. But it isn’t.”
Really, she shouldn’t be surprised that this was so hard. Things had never been easy between them. That sort of made it all a little more worth it.
“You can be so frustrating, and we have a really complicated past that involves some not-so-great decisions on your part, and some less-than-ideal reactions on mine. But you’ve always been honest with me. And it’s time that I be honest with you. You told me I had to decide, remember?”
She’d only ever said the words to one other person before, and she gave herself a split second to really be certain before she said them to someone else now. That feeling from earlier, however, the one screaming inside that this was right, didn’t dissipate.
“Trystan,” she said, “I’m in love with you.”
They’d been forced together twice before, the first time him stuck with her, the second her stuck with him. But neither of them were the same people they’d been at the start of this.
She didn’t know exactly how long she’d been carrying this secret, hiding it from even herself, but the truth of it was so clear now that she was amazed she hadn’t figured it out sooner. It felt really good getting it out, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she could breathe again.
At least, until it hit her that he’d yet to respond, hadn’t even twitched a single muscle.
“Trystan, say something.” His feelings for her had been the only part of this she hadn’t been anxious about. Now … “I know this is a lot, and we have things to sort through—like the fact that I definitely do not want to get married anytime soon, not when there’s so much to be done in regard to successfully bridging our people, but—”
“Our people.” He seemed to snap out of it all at once, his arms banding around her waist to pull her as close as he could. “Tell me this is really happening, Delaney. Tell me I’m not dreaming or unconscious or some other horrible alternative to this being reality. Tell me this is real.”
He’d dropped the aloof mask he always wore when he was being Zane, the one that kept everyone at a safe distance from who he truly was inside. From the man she’d gotten to catch glimpses of in Inkwell, and later, here, every time he stepped back and let her make her own decisions, even when he didn’t agree.
The tangle of hope and dread making up his expression had her lifting a hand to press against the center of his chest.
“This is real,” she said.
He blinked. “Say that you love me again.”
She chuckled. “Not if you go back to being bossy and annoying.”
“Delaney,” he pleaded, cluing her in to just how desperate he actually was. How badly he really needed assurances.
“I love you,” she told him. Then she planted another quick kiss to his lips before pulling back to add, “Now say that you love me, too.”
He laughed and lifted her into his arms, ignoring her yelp of surprise.
Seeing him happy was a rarity, and it was infectious, washing away any of the lingering nervousness she’d been feeling about staying. Replacing those feelings with ones of confidence and excitement. Because she knew that from here on out, whatever they did, however they decided to handle what came their way, they’d do it together.
“I love nothing on either planet, on any planet,” he corrected, placing her feet back onto solid ground, “more than I love you.”
EPILOGUE
“Relax, Basilissa,” Trystan said at her side.
They were standing at the front of the hangar in the Vakar palace, their eyes turned up toward the open ceiling and the clear sky above it. Though they hadn’t been waiting long, the fact that their guest was running late made her edgy, and he knew it.
“Don’t tell me what to do, Rex.” Delaney shifted on her feet when the first telltale signs of an approaching ship came overhead. Instinctually, she reached for his hand, squeezing his palm as a mix of emotions rushed through her all at once.
“Apologies.” There was a hint of a smile in his voice, but she didn’t bother sparing him a glance as the familiar ship settled over the opening and began lowering.
A pang of old guilt slipped through the excitement and nerves at the sight of Ruckus’s ship, even though she knew he wouldn’t be on it. Though they hadn’t spoken directly in the two months since he’d been gone, Mariana had helped exchange a few messages between them.
Fawna had remained in Earth’s atmosphere all this time, making it possible for Delaney and her best friend to talk to each other. With learning her new role as the Basilissa of Vakar, getting the people acquainted with all the changes she and Trystan hoped to enact, this had been the first opportunity they could find for Mariana to visit.
“You’re going to like her,” Delaney practically screamed at Trystan as the ship came to a stop, the sound of the engines nearly drowning out her voice.
“I’m sure I will,” he agreed.
“She might not like you.” Finally she tore her gaze off the ship’s doors long enough to send him a teasing half grin, taken straight out of his playbook. “Not right away, anyway.”
His eyes narrowed in mock offense, and he opened his mouth to retort when the steps to the ship began lowering, abruptly stealing her attention away. He didn’t bother trying to stop her when she dropped his hand and stepped forward.
They’d kept the area pretty clear, not wanting to overwhelm Mariana with a welcoming committee of Tellers. Aside from a few guards in the hall, Sanzie was the only other person there with them.
“This place is huge!” Mariana’s voice reached them before the sight of her did, her head popping out of the still-opening ship door. When she spotted Delaney, she smiled wide and began waving her hands. The second she was able, she slipped out onto the stairs, rushing down them to meet Delaney halfway.
Within Ash and Stardust Page 30