by AJ Nuest
“Why did you say that to me?” She dipped her head to the side. “Just now, I mean. Why would you say you love me right as I’m insisting we head back to the manor?”
He hesitated, sizing her up then down. “For some odd reason, I’m getting the impression I just stuffed my balls in a meat grinder.”
Typical. A typical, male cop-out that offered no kind of explanation at all.
“Unbelievable.” Lifting her knee, she climbed off his lap and, this time, he didn’t stop her. Her feet hit the hardwood floor, and she rounded the bed, marching straight for her saddlebags in the corner. “And you wanna know the real kick in the pants? I’m not even sure what pisses me off more. The fact you think you need to use something like that as leverage, or how you believe I’m dumb enough to fall for the diversion as if I never saw it coming.”
God. The man couldn’t have done a better job of blasting a hole in her heart had he whipped out his Glock and fired a few rounds into her chest for real.
“What are you talking about?” He jerked up from the headboard, all simmering tension and cut muscle from the way he braced his palms on the bed. “At last count, I said those words to four women in my life, and not once were they meant as a diversion.” Tendon shifted and a raised vein popped along his bicep as he raked his hand through his hair. “There’s no comparing you to Felicity. That’s why I told you. I don’t want you thinking a part of me still belongs to her.”
Backtracking. Served with a hefty dose of stalling to make sure they stayed off point. But he could go on ahead and beat that drum all he wanted. Whatever hopes and dreams he’d shared with Felicity weren’t the issue and he knew that as well as she did.
“You’re hung up on names.” Snatching her flannel shirt off the floor, Tanner spun and shook the wadded material in his face. “Felicity could’ve called herself George for all I care, that’s not what this is about.”
For God’s sake, what kinda spoiled brat did he think she was? His mom, his sister—hell, some crush he’d carried a torch for in high school—Tanner would’ve never asked him to deny those relationships. Never suggested he forget or pretend like he hadn’t earned whatever happiness those women had brought him for a second.
It was the constant strain he wore around his neck like a set of iron shackles that had her ready to tear the room apart. As if the more he got bound up in worry or made himself nuts trying to protect her, the more he could keep her safe.
But life didn’t work that way, and there was no way in hell she wanted a love that came attached to a bunch disclaimers as if it was his job to censure every move she made.
“You’re fighting an uphill battle you will never win.” She’d been there. Had butted heads with those same odds more times than she cared to count. Over and again, she’d put herself through that wringer, and if there was one thing she’d learned, it was that whenever and however the end came wasn’t something anyone could place.
Cramming her shirt inside her saddlebags, she leaned down and collected a clean pair of socks that had somehow rolled under the bed. “Those years after I got out of the hospital, before I joined Dirty Deeds, do you know what I was doing?”
He rapidly blinked as if the change in subjects had scrambled his brain more than a roundhouse kick to the side of his head. But he didn’t speak, and all those days…all those long, lonely years she’d grabbed every opportunity to shake death by the scruff of the neck and get its attention, gathered and wedged in a cruel knot at the base of her throat.
“Do you?” The raw insistence in her voice surprised even her, and she pressed the back of her hand to her mouth as dread slammed into Ben’s gaze.
“You told me you were facing your fears, but…” His jaw firmed. “I don’t know what you were doing for sure, no.”
That’s right, he didn’t, and she wasn’t about to stand here and apologize as if she’d been given any choice.
She’d let him assume whatever he wanted about her list. To delay the inevitable, knowing how he would react. To take a wild shot in the dark they’d never get to this place, and he’d finally come to grips with who she really was.
But not anymore. Those years had come at too high a price for her to set them aside as if they didn’t matter. She’d paid enough, and she was not retracing those steps for anyone regardless of the heartbreak or tears her decision might bring.
“Fears?” A ragged laugh warmed her skin, and she dropped her arm to her side. “Oh, I handled fears, all right. And guilt. And loads and loads of anger.”
A muscle ticked near his temple. He lowered his chin as a red stain crawled up his neck. “What did you do, Tanner?”
Yep, there it was. The endless panic he always choked on every time he thought of her stepping in harm’s way. The anxiety that accompanied every thought of her doing something that might end in disaster.
But he’d been too blinded by the past to see the person standing right in front of him.
She’d already sacrificed an eternity searching for something that refused to be caught. Had run miles and miles until she was exhausted only to find she was still standing in the exact same spot.
If he truly loved her…the real her. If he wanted to be the guy at her side, then he needed to know.
She was done knocking on death’s door. It would come for her whenever it was damn good and ready. And until that day showed up, she wasn’t going to waste one more breath looking for it over her shoulder.
“None of it made sense to me.” Her vision blurred, but she held her chin high even as another set of warm tears hit her cheeks. Nothing would stop them from coming anyway, and pretending they weren’t there would be wasted effort that fell far short of what her father deserved. “Why me and not him? What made me so fucking special death would ignore me and choose my dad instead?” Stepping forward, she jabbed a hard finger at the floor. “I was the one who was supposed to die in that house, Ben. If it had been me, my brothers and sisters would know each other. They never would’ve been split up and could’ve had the life they were promised.”
“Tanner…” he sighed. But some of the tension leaked from his body. Replaced by recognition. A reminder of the hell that came from trudging through each day wishing time would fold back on itself so he could return to the moment those he’d been trying to save had paid for his actions.
“It had to be a mistake, right?” Another step, and she fisted the socks against her chest. “Death had passed over me and made a terrible, terrible mistake.”
In one agile move, Ben shoved across the mattress, reached for her thighs with both hands and tugged her between his knees. “No. It wasn’t a mistake.”
She closed her eyes.
He would say that, and after everything they’d been through, she had to wonder if given the opportunity, she’d still go back and make the same choice. She didn’t regret a single second she’d shared with Ben. The hours they’d spent wanting to strangle the living shit out of each other included.
“And you?” A blink, and she stared down at the misery she’d put on his face. Eyes red-rimmed. His throat working a swallow. “If you could go back and change what happened, would you still choose to get in death’s way?”
Lowering his chin, he braced his forehead against her stomach and shook his head.
Nope. She combed her fingers through his hair. There were no easy answers. Nothing she could do to make the agonizing choice go away.
“Death had laughed in my face, Ben. It had left me with nothing but a scar on my hip and whatever clothes I could carry on my back. So, I decided to confront it. Head down and teeth set, I spent those years doing whatever was necessary to call death out on its shit. I thought if it wanted me it could have me but, by God, I wasn’t gonna let it ignore me. Death owed me, Ben. It owed me big.”
His shoulders heaved as he pulled a breath. His arms circled her body, and he urged her closer, turning his cheek to her waist.
“I dedicated everything I had to that fight.” Cradling his he
ad in her hand, she swiped the dampness from her cheeks with the other. “But it didn’t matter how many mountains I climbed or waves I rode or how many times I jumped out of a plane. I didn’t fall, I wasn’t drowned and I always landed safely on solid ground.” Easing out of his embrace, she tipped his head back until she met the depths of his soulful brown gaze. Filled with her same sadness. Shining with her same tears. “Death didn’t want me, Ben. No matter how hard I tried to find it, I repeatedly got turned away. And after six long years, the only thing I had left was that same stupid scar on my hip, what few clothes I could carry on my back, a bunch of broken promises and the sinking realization I’d gotten it all wrong.”
A tear slipped from the corner of his eye. She brought her palm to his cheek and caught the drop with her thumb as it trailed toward the thick hair near his temple. “Death isn’t the enemy. It’s gonna pick and choose despite how much we crave it or wanna keep it away.”
Reaching up, he swept his fingertips across the tender skin under her lashes, and she captured his hand and kissed the back before holding it to her chest. “It’s wasting all the precious moments in-between that matters. And I cannot… I will not let death take one more of those seconds from me.”
Clasping his fingers tighter over her heart, she sank to her knees before him. “Please, Ben. For the first time ever, I don’t want anything to change. Especially you. I don’t want to torture myself with the past anymore or wish I could’ve done something different.”
She urged him forward, matching the distance to his lips, kissing him once, than twice, in case she never got so lucky again. “Come with me. Hold my hand and let’s leave all the worthless nightmares behind us. We were meant to be here. This is our moment. I want as many of them as I can get, but I can’t have them without you.”
Three heavy heartbeats passed as he lowered his gaze to their hands. She straightened, a breath stuck in her throat as she waited for him to say something…anything that would provide a clue to what was going on inside his head.
His brows drew together in that penetrating scowl she’d come to adore, and he darted a sharp glance at her face. “Jesus, woman, you drive me crazy.”
She smiled as her heart stuttered. Grinned as love spilled over the sides and doused every inch of her skin in wave that heated her from head to toe.
Yep. Tossing her arms around his neck, she squeezed her eyes tight as a soft laugh escaped. That had to be the epitome of a Ben Archer yes if she’d ever heard one. And the way he would go the distance for her. Accept her as the woman she was and prove with his actions that she didn’t need to go it alone only confirmed she’d been right to let her heart get invested.
“I hate to break it to ya, but the crazy’s only just started.” She held the back of his head, savoring the hard band of his arms cinched around her waist. “You’re in for it now, buddy. I love you, too.”
Chapter 18
Shoulder blades braced against the mantle, Ben tracked Tanner’s movements from across the manor’s library, eyes glued to the gentle curve of her back as she stared at Molly’s laptop from behind a conference table chair.
“There.” Tanner pointed at the screen and Molly paused the feed, glancing over her shoulder at Tanner’s face. “Back it up to twenty seconds and put it right there. That should give me plenty of time.”
Plenty of time? Crossing his arms, Ben grunted, the blunt edges of his Kevlar vest digging into his pecs. Funny she would use that phrase. Dealing with time and the tricks it could play had been his biggest problem ever since they’d returned to Smith Manor.
Twice—and only twice—he’d managed to steal her away to recharge for a few hours, and in both instances, the moments had sped by quicker than sand could sift through his fingers. And yet, if he had to leave her for even ten seconds throughout the day, he could’ve sworn the hands on the clock all but stopped.
No doubt about it, he’d never had such trouble tracking time before in his life. Ben cocked a brow. Then again, with the radical about-face his perception had taken in the past forty-eight, there was always the very real possibility he’d simply lost his damn mind.
“Got it.” Hunching forward, Molly rattled the keys, then spun to the side and wheeled to the next monitor down. A few more taps and the view within the second laptop changed, hopping from one angle to the next inside the manor’s lower level garage. “Xander, you there?”
“Yo.” He stepped around a bank of equipment near the back wall and approached the camera. Based on the trajectory, the one Ben had helped the Brofessor affix above the side entrance to the hall. “All set to go down here.”
“Awesome.” Molly rolled back to the first laptop and hit enter. “It’s downloading to the mainframe now. You should have it in just a few seconds.”
Anxiety jabbed Ben’s gut as the final piece clicked into place, and he swiped his hand down the rough bristle coating his face. Goddamn it, no. He wasn’t going there. He didn’t want to wreck what could easily be his last few minutes with Tanner by beating either of them up over things that couldn’t be changed. If the past two days had proven anything, she’d been right to insist he let go of the past.
Instead of dwelling on what could’ve been or the endless dangers that might be waiting for them around the corner, he’d thrown all his effort into living in the present, focusing on the here and now, and the rewards in doing so had far surpassed anything he could’ve ever expected.
Their heated arguments had simmered down to the occasional scuffle he assumed were part of the relationship package deal. He’d learned the added value that could come from compromise and just how much he could use it to his advantage.
If Tanner wanted him to follow up with D’Avella on flushing out who could and couldn’t be trusted at the Chicago PD, that was fine. He’d be happy to sit down with the cap and put a task force together. But then Tanner was moving into his condo. No questions asked. And despite how much he fucking hated the idea of her confronting Adder alone, he would unwillingly concede she was the best man for the job. As long as she agreed to ditch the murdercycle and let him buy her a vehicle that could safely handle the snowy Chicago roads.
All the tears and shouting they’d previously experienced had been replaced with laughter, meaningful conversations that had breathed new life into his soul. Two mornings in row, his wish of waking up with her wrapped around his body had been granted. And had he known how amazing it could be to spend the first few minutes of his day whispering and snuggling with her under the covers, he would’ve set his shit aside and suggested they take up that habit months ago.
Everything had been perfect. Exactly like she’d said. Right up ʼtil this afternoon, that was, when she’d received a response to the pre-written text she’d fired off to Adder.
I know who you are. Meet me at the manor. 6PM lower level garage.
An impatient sigh dislodged the vest against Ben’s chest, and he raked a hand through his hair. Jesus, the last thing he wanted was to fall back into old habits. Become consumed with all the things that could go wrong. Especially at this late stage in the game when she needed him most.
But, dammit all to hell. The second that greasy snake had responded he was happy to meet her, reality had slammed into Ben with the bone-crushing force of a tank. And for some stupid reason, time had gone from moving too fast or too slow to disregarding the laws of physics altogether.
Movement caught the corner of his eye, and he faced the door as Trey entered the library ahead of Charlie, shoulders high and tight and a red baseball cap tugged low on his brow.
A frown narrowed Ben’s gaze but, he had to admit. Given how the kid’s recent growth spurt didn’t seem to be showing any signs of stopping, Tanner had made the right call.
Skinny as a bean pole, Trey was quickly closing in on Charlie’s five and a half feet. In fact, if Ben hadn’t known any better, he would’ve sworn Trey seemed taller than he had just this morning.
“Hey, guys.” Tanner greeted them with a bright s
mile, her eyes filling with unease the moment they landed on Charlie. And yep, even though she smiled back, there was no denying Charlie’s color was off, all while she seemed to be doing her damndest to hide the worry.
An icy shot of adrenaline lifted the hair at Ben’s nape, and he shifted his stance to defer stepping forward and calling the whole thing quits before they even got started. They’d already discussed the issue at length, and he’d been given plenty of opportunity to voice his concerns along with everyone else.
Out of respect for Trey and the fact he played an integral part in their plan, they’d decided to sit him down for a thinned-out version of the truth. Of all those involved, he deserved to know what they were up against. Not only to convey he was a valued member of the Dirty Deeds family, but to also show how each of them were one hundred percent committed to keeping him safe.
And Ben had to hand it to the kid. At just fourteen, Trey had taken the news like a champ. Christ knew, it had hurt like hell to discover he was the potential relative of one of history’s most notorious arms dealers.
Tanner, Charlie and Trey moved off toward the conference table, Nick DeFranco and his wife looking on as Molly stood to gear them up with the tracing devices Xander insisted everyone wear. Trey lifted his gaze to Ben’s and he dipped a firm nod as the three women clucked over him like a brood of mother hens.
If he was willing to risk his life to uncover the truth, Ben wasn’t gonna be the one to disappoint him. Then, the same as now, Trey seemed fully prepared to play his part, facing the challenges ahead with a thread of steel in his eyes and a gritty determination that stretched far beyond his years.
Ben’s phone chirped with an incoming text, and a knife point dragged across the center of his gut as Xander entered, fitting the ends of his leather jacket together and tugging the zipper up past his Kevlar vest. “Show time in twenty minutes, people.”