by M. Robinson
“I don’t want to lose any of them though, especially Lucas.”
“You won’t ever lose them. That much I do know. But with that being said, Alex, you need to expand your horizons. I don’t want you to regret missing out on anything because you didn’t know any better. Familiarity can be confused with something that it isn’t. Do you understand?”
“Kind of.”
She sighed. “You’re young and Lucas is young. You’ve grown up together. It’s normal to feel possessive of him, over all of them.”
“I don’t want things to change.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie, but they will. That’s just life, but it doesn’t matter because as I said before I know that you will always have them in your life. That I can promise you.”
I nodded, shutting my eyes and silently praying she was right.
Especially…
When it came to Lucas.
“Hey, you listening?” Stacey asked.
“Mmm hmm,” I lied. I couldn’t stop thinking about Alex.
Why couldn’t I stop thinking about Alex?
“I had a really good time tonight. You think we could do it again?”
“Sure,” I simply stated.
We were sitting on the beach, watching the waves hit the shore.
She smiled, leaning into me. “Good. I really like you, Lucas.”
I nodded because I didn’t know what else to say. She slightly turned, nuzzling my neck with her nose. I felt my dick stir and before I knew it, I turned my mouth to meet hers and we were kissing. It wasn’t the same kiss I had with Alex. It was completely different. I didn’t really know what to do, but I had seen enough movies to know the logistics of moving my lips with hers. My mind couldn’t catch up with the movements of our mouths and the way my dick throbbed with how she felt up against me.
The crazy thing about it was that I didn’t like her, I had no feelings for her whatsoever, but I couldn’t stop kissing her. My body betraying me, and the more we kissed, the more I wanted.
It was uncontrollable.
The urge.
I loved it and I hated it.
My tongue slid into her mouth, she tasted of mint ice cream. I detested that ice cream. She glided her tongue into my eager mouth and moaned, making my dick twitch from the sound. I desperately wanted relief as she clutched me closer, leaning back onto the sand, pressing my body on top of hers. My insistent hands started exploring and she began rubbing her body underneath mine, making me shudder from the sway of hers. Our bodies took over and it felt incredible, there were no words for the sensations she awakened. For the first time, I understood what Dylan and Jacob were talking about. How easily it was to get lost in someone with the desire and want my body so hastily craved.
Thank God we were at a secluded part of the beach.
“Damn, boy, get up in there all good like and shit.”
My body jolted off of hers, standing. “What the hell, Jacob?” I spun ready to give him hell when I came face to face with Jacob, Dylan, Austin, and Alex.
Her head lowered and her shoulders slumped, and I swear my heart stopped beating, swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat.
“Relax,” Dylan interjected, bringing my pissed off glare back to him. “We’re just passing through, heading up to Half-Pints restaurant for dinner. By all means, keep goin’.” He reached for Alex’s hand, and she easily took it, her eyes remaining on the sand, not looking at anyone, especially me. He nodded toward Stacey who was still sitting, unfazed by getting caught.
“Bye, darlin’.” They walked off.
“Where were we?” Stacey purred from the sand.
My stare was frozen on Alex. My mind screamed to run after her.
To do something…
Anything.
It took everything inside me not to run to her, to explain. I convinced myself that I was overreacting. I didn’t owe her an explanation.
Then why did I feel like I did?
She still hadn’t looked up, trailing close behind Dylan, her small hand in his. She appeared tinier among the boys, sticking out like a sore thumb.
Our Half-Pint.
My brown eyed girl. Sad.
My gaze shifted to Stacey not being able to look at Alex any longer. It hurt too much. “Come on.” I extended my hand out in front of her. “I’ll walk you home.” I couldn’t get her home fast enough.
“Okay.” She smiled, not picking up on my sudden change of mood or composure in the least. I left her on her doorstep and I could tell she wanted me to kiss her again, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
By the time I made it to the restaurant it was near eight. The boys were playing pool in the back with no sign of Alex.
“Hey,” Austin greeted.
“Where’s Half-Pint?” I immediately asked him, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“She said she wasn’t feeling good and went home.”
“Oh. How long ago?”
“Not too long after we got here. Her mom took her home, her dad’s still around here somewhere.”
I nodded. “Who’s winning?” I tried to seem nonchalant. The boys didn’t need to know the turmoil I felt.
“The champion,” Jacob announced, looking smug as shit. “We’re almost done, play me next.”
I shook my head. “Nah, I gotta head home.”
“How was Stacey? From the looks of it, you two seemed cozy,” Dylan chimed in, grinning like a fool.
“I’ll see you guys later.” I ignored him and left.
I pedaled my bike as fast as I could to Alex’s house, knocking on her door.
Her mom answered. “Hey, sweetie.”
“Hey, is Half-Pint around?”
She frowned. “Oh I’m sorry, Lucas, she isn’t feeling well. She went to bed as soon as we got home a little bit ago. I’ll let her know you stopped by. Your mama is inside though with Lily. Do you want to come in?”
I shook my head no. “Can you let her know as soon as she wakes up? I really need to talk to her. It’s important. Can you tell her to call me?”
“Will do.” She stepped back and closed the door.
I took a shower and went straight to bed, trying to block out the look on Alex’s face and failing miserably in doing so.
It wouldn’t be the last time I hurt her.
This was just the beginning…
I usually hated Sunday mornings. Everyone dressed in their Sunday best to attend service at the only church we had in town. I dressed in my usual black slacks and gray button down with a tie firmly knotted around my neck. I was already hot and we hadn’t even left the house yet. Thank God I didn’t have to wear a suit jacket. It was way too hot outside. Alex always called me to make sure that I was awake so I didn’t have to face my mom's wrath about not getting up on time and not taking service seriously.
She didn’t call that morning.
I contemplated whether to call her or not but decided against it since I would be seeing her soon anyway. The car ride was inexplicably slow and I sat next to my baby sister Lily, she was eight and for the most part never really annoyed me. I thought about Alex the entire way to service.
Her face.
Her lips.
Her eyes.
“Lucas, you listenin’?” Lily asked, taking me away from my thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“I said, are you alright?”
“Yeah I’m fine.”
“You sure? You’re actin’ funny.”
“I’m good.”
“Okie, I thought maybe you were coming down with the same thing Alex got.”
That made me turn to look at her. “What?”
“Half-Pint.” She rolled her eyes, thinking that’s the reason I was confused.
“Yeah, I know. What are you talkin’ about?”
“She looked like you do last night. I thought maybe—”
“You saw her last night?” I interrupted.
“Yep. Mama and me were at the restaurant when her and the boys showed
up. She looked really down like she got sick or something. Her mama took her home and we went with them. She usually at least tries to play with me, but this time she didn’t say a word, she just went right to her room and went to sleep. Mama and Mrs. Collins were making tea and she asked me to take her up some medicine and water.” She hesitated for a few seconds distracted by the kids running out of their cars to service.
“Lily.”
“Oh.” She shook her head. “Her face was all red and her eyes were watery. She said she didn’t feel good, but it looked like she was crying to me. Just sayin’.”
The wind was knocked out of me and I was finding it hard to breathe and gather my feelings on what Lily had innocently shared. I caught my mom’s eyes from the rearview mirror, and for a moment I thought she knew. The knowing look on her face made me tear my gaze from hers, not wanting to answer any questions that were imminent in her stare. I stepped out of the car first and they all followed, slowly treading behind them, looking around for Alex. She usually waited for me at the front entrance so we could walk in together and sit with the boys in the back.
She wasn’t waiting for me, and it only added to my anxiety and apprehension of what the hell happened.
I immediately found her when I walked in, except she wasn’t sitting with the boys. She sat with her parents, beside her mom, but that’s not what shocked me. What stunned me was that she wore a light yellow dress and her hair was down. I don’t think I ever saw her hair down unless we were in the water, and even then she quickly piled it on top of her head with a hair tie. The long shiny dark waves flowed swiftly down her back and I found myself wanting to run my fingers through it to feel if it was as soft as it appeared to be.
How had I just realized her hair was so long?
Once I found my footing I made my way to the boys who were all staring as intently at Alex as I was. They all looked my way and I shrugged, answering their confused stares that I didn’t know what was up either. Service ended and we all gathered outside, waiting for her family. She was the last to walk out behind them and I exhaled a breath I didn’t realize I held until I saw her.
She looked…
She looked like a girl.
Not just any girl, a beautiful girl.
“Half-Pint—”
“Alex,” she corrected me.
“Excuse me?” I countered.
She smiled at all of us, picking up our jaws from the floor.
“My name’s Alex,” she simply stated, smiling.
“Since when?” I asked, not knowing the girl in front of me. She even sounded different.
“Since birth,” she sassed, looking at only me.
Dylan cleared his throat, bringing her stare back to all of them. “You look nice, Alex.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. Why was I the only one pissed off about this?
“Thank you,” she replied, blushing.
The rest of the boys followed suit, acting as if our lives hadn’t just changed drastically. They fawned over her like they would any new girl that would come around us. Except this wasn’t a new girl, this was our Half-Pint. I didn’t care what she wore or who she pretended to be. I knew who she was on the inside and on the inside she was mine. The shark tooth necklace that still hung around her neck proved my point. It helped ease my desire to drag her away and call her out on this bullshit.
I backed away from them not wanting to make a scene, but mostly I backed away from her. The more I looked at her the worse I felt. It was a continuous, unforgiving feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had done something wrong, and it caught up with me. I’d never felt like that before, and all it would take was for her to look at me for one second, for one damn second and she would see it.
We all went back to her restaurant, exactly the way we had every Sunday. The Collins’ provided a huge Sunday spread, being their busiest day of the week, bringing in people from South Port, the next town over. Everyone told Alex she looked beautiful, grown-ups, old people, shit even boys from our school.
I hated it.
I hated the attention she was getting. I hated the stares that were suggestive and not very subtle. I hated the dress she wore and I hated that she smelled so damn good that all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and never let her go.
How could I feel that way? We were so young.
But mostly I hated the fact that she ignored me. She wouldn’t meet my questioning eyes and I was sincerely about to lose my shit. My temper was looming, and I was ready to drag her out onto the beach and yell at her.
Why did I want to yell at her?
I didn’t eat a bite of my food and when she asked for a glass of water with lemon instead of cherry coke that we always drank I seriously almost yelled at her from across the table.
Was she provoking me?
“Lucas,” Jacob called out from beside me. “Come with me outside.”
I stood, still glaring over at her, but everyone seemed to have her attention but me.
“What the hell is your problem?” he questioned, as soon as we were away from prying ears.
“Nothin’, what’s your problem?” I argued, needing to take my anger out on someone.
He put his hands out in front of him in a surrendering gesture. “I’m not the bad guy here. But it would take a fool not to realize that you’re pissed off about Alex.”
“Her name’s Half-Pint.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, stepping closer. “Listen to me because I will only say this once. She’s growing up, Lucas. Did I think it would happen this quickly? No. I thought we would at least have one more year. But we’re all changing too Lucas, and she’s always wanted to be one of us. She doesn’t want to get left behind. Does it suck? Yeah, it fucking does. I’m not gonna lie to ya, but this is her way of doing that. Come on give her a break. She looks great. I’m happy for her, we all are. Now lock up your shit and be happy for her, too.”
“Don’t tell me what the fuck to do, Jacob,” I gritted out.
He jerked back. “You’re actin’ like you’re jealous, Lucas.”
“I’m not,” I simply stated.
“Good,” he merely replied back.
We stood there squaring off, neither one of us backing down. If Jacob thought he could pull that big brother shit on me, he was dead wrong and had another thing coming. It may work with Alex but not with me. He didn’t need to be telling me what to do when he had no idea what the hell occurred in the first place. This wouldn’t be the first time that Jacob pulled this bullshit on me. I would get used to it throughout the years, the older we got, the worse it became. Dylan and Austin wouldn’t be that far behind either, all jumping in on something that was none of their fucking business to begin with.
She didn’t need protection.
Especially not from me.
“What’s going on?” Alex questioned, drawing us away from our intense exchange and making us both turn to face her.
I went home that night after seeing Lucas with Stacey and looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in my life I didn’t like what I saw.
I didn’t look like any of those girls that hung around the boys, not even close. I wasn’t girly like them. I didn’t move like them, I didn’t even talk like them. I was on the other end of the spectrum, the one that put me in the “Little Sister” box. After I picked apart everything I wasn’t in comparison to what they were, what they offered, I lay down in my bed and tried not to think about Lucas and that girl.
The way he touched her.
The way they moved in sync with one another.
The way he kissed her.
The sounds she made echoed in my head. It vibrated so damn loud that all I wanted to do was scream to drown out the noises. I couldn’t get it to stop and it didn’t want to. It illustrated what Lucas made her feel, the way he touched her with such determination and abandonment made me sick to my stomach. It appeared as if they were made for one another, both of them touching parts of their bodies that made me blush jus
t thinking about it.
Why did I have to be such a little girl?
Why did I have to be so young?
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears falling down the sides of my face. He hadn’t done one of those things with me.
Not one.
I thought our kiss meant something. I didn’t understand how to play those games, how to say one thing and act another. Maybe that’s what boys did? Acted one way with you in private and then another one out in public.
That’s not Lucas, is it?
The confusion and unanswered questions pegged me, engulfing me like the waves of the ocean, taking me under and not allowing me to breathe until the traitorous waves were ready to let me go. The exact same ones Lucas rode with such purpose and resolve. The irony was not lost on me. I lay in bed with nothing but my thoughts, they were coming one right after the other, it was a non-ending assault of torturous questions and what ifs and I couldn’t get a break in between. One would form before the other even fully surfaced.
I drowned in them.
If things couldn’t get any worse my lower abdomen cramped, a new, unfamiliar pain enveloped my core. I went to the bathroom and right there before my eyes was the evidence of my very first period.
“Oh no…” I breathed out. “Mama! Mama!” I screamed.
She ran into my bathroom and behind her was Lucas’s mama.
“Oh my God, honey, what’s the matter?”
And then I broke down. I was emotionally spent, and there were no hiding the fervent feelings that were boiling all around me waiting to erupt like a volcano. I started bawling. The tears were uncontrollable and it was all too much to bear. I cried for everything that happened, and for everything I didn’t understand. I cried for the feeling of deceit, and the loss of an emotion, that I desperately wanted to hold onto. The memory that hung around my neck stung, it burned badly, leaving behind a trail of sadness, despair, and betrayal.
It was the first time Lucas had ever hurt me, and I hated that more than anything else. All the other stuff I could endure, but knowing that he caused me pain.
The boy I grew up with.
The boy I loved.