by M. Robinson
She frowned. “That’s not true.”
“Then prove it. Stop seeing him.”
She shook her head again. “That’s not fair. He’s my friend.”
“You don’t even know him,” I roared.
“I know enough. You have Stacey—”
“Fuck. Her.”
“You already do that!” she shouted back at me. “Did you do that today, Bo? Huh? Did you have sex with her today?” Tears fell down the sides of her beautiful face and it was now my turn to bow my head.
“Exactly! You can’t have it both ways. It’s not always about you. I have never told you what you could or couldn’t do. How dare you make me feel bad for having a friend? I didn’t do anything with him. We didn’t even kiss. You were so torn up about it, Bo, that I bet the first thing you did when you left my house was go sleep with Stacey! How is that fair to me? How has that ever been fair to me?”
“Because I don’t fucking love her, Alex! I love you!
I jerked back, winded. “Then you have a real awful way of showing it.”
His eyes widened with more fury that should have scared me, but it didn’t, it was the exact opposite. If he wanted to have it out with me then he didn’t get to play this card on me, I wouldn’t deal with his double standard rules.
“I fuck her! That’s what I do, and I have more emotion in a goddamn handshake with you than anything I do with her. She knows it. I’ve never lied to her and I’ve never lied to you about it either. She’s. Just. A. Fucking. Girl! How many damn times do I have to remind you of that?”
“Do you think that makes it any easier for me? That it magically makes it better because you don’t love her or care for her? No, Lucas, it makes it worse. I don’t want to lose my respect for you, but when you say stuff like that, I do! You sound like a guy and that’s not who my best friend is,” I honestly disclosed.
It felt so good to finally be able to say that. I had been hiding it from myself for so long.
“I hate to break it to you, Half-Pint, but I am a guy. I know my reasoning may suck for you, but that’s all I got. I want you to stop seeing him. He’s an asshole and he’s using you. He’s leaving in a few weeks. What do you think he’s going to do when he goes back home? What, Alexandra, you think he’s going to stay faithful to you? You’re smarter than that.”
I sadly smiled. “Am I not worth it, Lucas? Am I not worth someone staying true to me?”
He breathed out. “Don’t twist my words. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
I stepped back, needing to get away from him. “I don’t know what you mean anymore, and maybe I never did. For your information he’s my friend. I won’t use him like you do Stacey. I’m not like that and I never imagined you would be either.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair,” I threw his own words back at him. I wanted to leave and I think he sensed it because he gripped my wrist, tugging me closer to him.
“Let go of me.”
“Fuck no. You’re just going to run. Where you running to, Half-Pint?”
“You’re being unreasonable.”
“No shit. I’m aware that I'm an asshole, I’m aware that I’m giving you a double standard, I’m aware of it all, but I don’t give a shit. I can’t do this with you anymore. This back and forth shit between us is too much and I’m over it, so choose, Alex, choose a side and fucking stay there.”
“That makes no sense. He’s my friend!”
He pulled me closer till our faces were an inch apart. “What. Am. I?” he asked with conviction.
My mouth opened to say something, anything, but I couldn’t find or form the words. They weren’t spilling out of me as they were before.
He shook his head, aggravated. “Don’t make me ask you again,” he warned through gritted teeth.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I honestly replied.
“I want the truth. What am I to you?”
I should have told him. I should have laid everything out for him. It could have changed everything, but it infuriated me that he didn’t know what he meant to me and that he had to ask in the first place. How could he not see what Cole could? Was he that blind? He knew I loved him, we said it to each other all the time. I wanted to be with him, he had to know that, too. Right?
I blamed him for so many things that happened between us, and so many things that didn’t. If I would have told him, it may have changed so many other things that still hadn’t happened between us.
But I didn’t.
I was upset.
I was hurt.
I was confused.
I wanted him to hurt. Exactly how I had. The pain overruled reality. In fact it won in the end. I did the only thing that made sense to me, in a moment that was driven purely by the emotion of an almost-fifteen-year-old girl.
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “It’s complicated.”
In a matter of seconds, I witnessed so much emotion pass through his gaze and clarity for what was to come seemed to quickly follow. His guard came up: a reaction I had never seen before directed right at me, and a wall so thick that it crippled me in ways that immediately had me regretting my words. I wish I could have taken them back, but I couldn’t, and a huge part of me didn’t want to.
Try understanding that because I didn’t.
He immediately let go of my wrist, and I instinctively stepped back and away from him.
He lifted his chin and stood taller in a proud and malicious manner. “Is that right?”
I reluctantly nodded. I couldn’t back down. I was too far gone. If I did then he would have won, and I was exhausted from him constantly winning all the time. All I wanted this to be was a give and take, but instead it turned into a power struggle.
“Then that answers that,” he simply stated, causing my body to internally shudder. He could have seen it if he wanted to, he could have seen past the lies and the façade I desperately tried to portray. At least in my mind he could, and it made me question the sincerity of our friendship, of how much he genuinely knew me, or was I what he needed to see?
I wanted to ask him so many things. I wanted to know what he thought, what he felt, I wanted to know what he wanted from me…
It was as confusing as it was consuming.
Plain and simple.
“We’re best friends, Bo,” I reassuringly stated, but not sure for who.
He nodded, looking toward the door. I hated that he expected me to leave, or maybe he just wanted me to go and couldn’t say the words out loud. It hurt my heart in ways that made me think I would never recover.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. You’ll come for lunch at the restaurant?”
All he did was shrug, making me feel worse.
“Okay,” I half-whispered.
I don’t know how the tables turned and how we went from one thing to another. I never understood how that always ended up happening. I guess old habits die hard. I had taken one last look at him before I turned to leave.
“I’ll drive you. It’s late,” was the last thing he said to me.
As we drove away, I couldn’t push away the feeling that things were never going to be the same between us. Even though he drove me home, it didn’t give me any solace to our current situation.
And I realized that this might have been the last time that we would found refuge in our abandoned house.
Cole and I had spent more time together before he left to go back home, but he made sure that we exchanged every form of contact possible. He texted me all the time and at first it was weird. But it didn’t take long for me to get use to his good morning and good night text messages and everything else in between.
We were more than halfway through the new school year, and I couldn’t believe how fast summer approached. It felt like I could blink and it would be here. Though being in high school with my boys had been the same, but different. Something changed when they saw me with Cole, in some ways it was a blessing in disguise,
in other ways it was a disaster waiting to happen, but that only related to Lucas.
The boys were still overprotective, but it lessened with time. They no longer threatened boys not to mess with me or talk to me. They didn’t even flip out when I talked to a boy anymore. They seemed at ease with the fact that I grew up and could make my own decisions based on what I felt was right for me. I expected it had something to do with Cole coming into my life, and I appreciated that the most.
Lucas, well Lucas and I, we changed again. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine our relationship where it currently was. After that night at our abandoned house, he started to pull away from me. He hung out with Stacey more. In fact, he hung out with a lot of girls more. The rumor around school was that he made his way through the entire cheerleading squad and then some. It was so hard to ignore it when it was blatantly flaunted in my face daily. He turned seventeen and I turned fifteen, and we were drifting away from each other in ways I wasn’t expecting or prepared for.
The boys noticed it, too, but they never said anything.
At least not to me.
We hadn’t been to our abandoned house since that night. I went back a few times after work and other normal times, with the hope he’d be there waiting for me. He wasn’t. Not once. I finally gave up and stopped going.
It was easier that way.
In some ways, Cole replaced Lucas in my life. We were becoming close. We talked about anything and everything. Cole was sweet and understanding. He made me laugh with his relentless flirting, which I grew to love. It became a nice distraction from missing Bo. I liked that someone doted on me in ways Lucas never had. In the back of my mind, I wondered why. Girls like that kind of stuff, and I was no exception to the rule. Cole and I were just friends, even though he said he wanted more. I didn’t want a long-distance relationship, and I knew he didn’t either, regardless of what he said.
“You okay?” Aubrey asked as I watched Lucas cage in some random girl with his built frame, on what I assumed was her locker.
My boy grew up, too. He was broader, taller, and more masculine. He had this certain swagger about him that made the girls at school throw themselves at him. It wasn’t anything new, but for the first time he jumped on them, literally. It wasn’t just Stacey anymore.
I hugged my notebooks closer to my chest in a comforting gesture. “Yeah.”
“He’s a guy, Alex, he’s just being a guy.”
I glanced over at her, surprised. “What?”
She reassuringly smiled. “I know, Alex. I’ve known for a long time.”
My eyebrows lowered in confusion. “You have?” I softly spoke, not believing what she shared.
“Of course, it’s hard to miss. The only reason the boys miss it is because they choose to. They ignore what is blatantly in their faces. You guys aren’t smooth about it. You never have been.”
I jerked back, stunned and relieved at the same time. Why was I relieved?
“I still don’t know what actually went down between you guys, but it’s obvious it was bad. You barely talk to each other, and when you do neither of you makes eye contact. It would take an idiot not to notice.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, taking a deep breath and contemplating whether I could be honest with her or not. “I wish I could tell you what happened between us, Aubrey, but I don’t have a clue.” I decided I could and by the look on her face, she wasn’t one bit surprised.
“Everything just became complicated. It started before Cole, and then he just broke the camel’s back. He’s always been possessive of me. All the boys have.”
She nodded in agreement.
“It’s different with Cole. I don’t know why, but it is. We’re just friends and he couldn’t handle it. He told me I had to choose, but I didn’t understand what I was choosing. He didn’t promise me anything. If he would have told me that we were going to be together then maybe that would have changed things, but I still don’t think so. I hate the fact that he was bossing me around. Especially since I’ve never done that to him. I’ve let him do anything he’s wanted, even with me…”
She sighed, bracing herself. “Did you?”
“No. We’ve only kissed.”
“Phew,” she breathed out. “That would have been—”
“I know,” I interrupted, and I did.
“This thing between us has been going on since we were kids, and then it turned into something neither one of us understood like it became bigger than us. Does that make any sense? Because I don’t understand it.”
She smiled, support evident in her eyes. “You love each other, that much I do know.”
“I thought love was supposed to be easy? It’s not easy, not even a little. I mean you and Dylan make it look so simple.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “Trust me, Alex, nothing is easy about our relationship. You know how Dylan is. Fuck, you probably know him better than I do. He’s an asshole.”
I laughed with her.
“But he’s my asshole,” she added.
My hand clutched my shark-tooth necklace as her words settled in. A sense of longing fell over me.
“Give it time. I know that the boys have a lot to do with him and your guys, whatever. They don’t like it, and I know they’ve given him shit about it. Plus,” she emphasized, “you talk to Cole constantly, and that boy is gorgeous.”
I grinned. “He’s alright. Don’t tell him that, he’ll get a bigger head than he already has.”
“Are you excited to see him again?”
“I am. He’s been a great friend.”
“Not anything more?” she asked with a mischievous smirk.
I rolled my eyes. “No, we’re just friends.”
“Hmm…”
“What?”
She shrugged. “Nothin’.”
“Doesn’t sound like nothin’.”
“I know that Lucas is doing what he wants, and I think that you should, too. That’s all.” She knowingly shrugged again.
“What makes you think I’m not?”
“Alex…”
With wide eyes, I nodded. “I am.”
“If you say so.”
“I am, Aubrey,” I argued.
She put her hands up in the air in a surrendering gesture. “Listen, just know that I’m always here for you. I don’t care what it’s about. I’m not going to judge you, and I’m not going to tell Dylan or the boys either. I promise.” She stuck out her pinky and I smiled, locking my own around it.
“Thank you, Aubrey. You have no idea how much I needed that. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this.”
“Not even Cole?”
“Not really, but I think he knows.”
“Yeah the only ones that don’t seem to know are your good ol’ boys.”
I sighed as we both looked over at Lucas, who was now sucking face with the same girl.
“Ugh! He’s an asshole,” she breathed out.
“Legit.”
She linked her arm with mine, turning us around to walk toward the doors to leave. “Come on, no need to watch the shit show that he so desperately wants you to see,” she dramatically stated.
“You think?”
She shook her head and glanced over at me. “No, doll, I know. You have so much to learn about boys, Alex, so much,” she exasperated.
Maybe she was right.
And it only added to the sting I felt in my heart.
I knew she watched from afar. She was always watching from afar. It made it easier for me to behave the way I was. Bad. It was a mixture of being torn, confused, angry, and just plain hatred. Not toward Alex but for the situation at hand.
No, I’m lying.
I fucking hated Cole.
Maybe a part of it was also spite and heartbreak. Things were never the same after we left our abandoned house.
I was over the games.
I was over the bullshit.
I was over the back and forth mess between us.
I needed to feel
in control again, so I did the only thing that I could. I pulled away from her. It made things simpler that way. I didn’t have to watch her and Cole become closer, but looking away sure as shit didn’t take away the pain it caused me. I despised him. I loathed him now more than ever. He took her away from me, and I never thought that would happen. The boys never called me out on the fact that I went from just having sex with Stacey to sleeping with any girl that would open her legs to me.
And trust me they did.
It took away the emptiness I felt in my heart. The space that seemed hollow without her.
“You smell nice,” I murmured to the side of Celeste’s neck with my lips.
She giggled. They always giggled. High school gossip ran rapidly and my reputation grew overnight. I never felt bad about what I did. They knew what I wanted and pretty much threw themselves at me. I didn’t do relationships, they knew that too.
“What are you doing tonight?” I asked, trailing soft kisses down the spot under her ear.
She shivered. “Anything you want.”
I smiled against her skin. “Good, I want you.” I pulled back and brought my mouth up to meet hers. She tasted like cherry lip-gloss, which immediately made me think of Alex. I couldn’t get away from her and a huge part of me didn’t want to. The bulge forming in my pants was from the taste of the lip-gloss, not this girl.
It was Friday and the end of the day, teachers wanted to get the fuck out of here faster than the students. Or else I may have gotten in trouble for sucking on her tongue on school property, which happened before.
A lot.
“Come on,” I whispered into her mouth, grabbing her hand and tugging her with me.
I caught Alex and Aubrey walking side-by-side a few feet in front of us, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t kill me to not be the one walking by her instead of Aubrey.
But that was another time.
We weren’t there anymore.
I walked faster and with purpose, and I felt Alex’s eyes burning a hole in my back as we made it out to my truck. Celeste jumped in, and I followed suit. I tried not to acknowledge the sad look on Alex’s face as we drove away.