by M. Robinson
I let him cry for as long as he needed. He appeared better when he was done. I told him girls were going to obsess over his scars and now he was really going to look like a bad boy with a record to prove it. I saw laughter in his eyes, but I couldn’t get a smile. He asked me what I remembered and I told him I had no recollection of the accident. He apologized several times, saying he would never put me in danger, and I knew that. He didn’t have to say it out loud. I reminded him every time.
Lucas hadn’t left my side since I woke up. He needed to go back to school, but he said he spoke to all his professors and they knew what happened.
“I’m not sitting in that,” I said, looking at Lucas who was behind the wheelchair.
“Why are you being so stubborn?”
“I don’t need it. I can walk.”
“The doctor—”
“I don’t care what the doctor said, Lucas, I just want to get the hell out of here. I never want to see a hospital again.”
“Yeah… you and me both.”
“I’m going to go say bye to Austin. Come on.”
“I’m good.”
“Why are you purposely staying away from him?” He wasn’t being subtle. I had noticed it immediately, it was like he wanted him to know.
“I’m not. I said bye to him last night.”
“You’re lying! You haven’t left my side.”
“I’m not arguing with you, Half-Pint.”
I gently folded my arms over my chest, not wanting to give any inclination that I was in pain and my ribs hurt. “Great, seeing as I have no intention of arguing with you, you’re coming with me.”
“Alex,” he warned.
“I know why you’re acting this way. I’m not stupid.”
He smiled, folding his own arms over his chest, mocking me. “I am fully aware that you’re not stupid.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I stated not being charmed by his antics. “It was an accident.”
“An accident he caused.”
“He didn’t tell the tree to come out of nowhere, Lucas.”
He shook his head with a hard, grim expression. “No, you’re right, he didn’t do that. He just drove drunk as shit and raced his car through the woods. That makes it much better.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Tell that to the cops, Alex, because he’s in some deep shit after he gets discharged from the hospital. He will be lucky to ever drive again before he’s twenty-one.”
“Exactly, Bo, he’s already paying for his bad judgment. I got into the car, he didn’t make me,” I justified. “He doesn’t need to be held accountable by us.”
“I can’t help it. If something worse would have happened to you—”
“But it didn’t. I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” I argued.
“Tell that to your scars and your ribs, Alex.”
I rolled my eyes and placed my hand on my hip, a small smile spread across Lucas’s face, but he quickly covered it up.
“I could show you hundreds of scars from growing up with you boys. So please try something else because that weak excuse isn’t going to work on me. Didn’t you once tell me that scars are awesome and that they tell a story?” I reminded him, cocking my head to the side.
“Half-Pint, you were crying like a baby and it was the first time you got stitches. I had to tell you something,” he half-laughed.
“You’re coming with me to say bye. You’re going to smile and give him a hug. You will also be nice to him when he gets discharged. You’re going to go back to normal with him, and if you don’t, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.”
“Alex…”
“Do it for me?”
He took a deep breath, stepped aside and guided us toward the door, letting me win, but who knows for how long.
Things were awkward between Lucas and Austin. He was aware that Lucas was furious with him for being so reckless and blamed him for the accident. I couldn’t help thinking about what he told me at the pier before the party.
We were a lot alike.
The boys got to spend the next few days with me, but Dylan and Jacob had to go back to school. I couldn’t handle all three of them hovering over me, so with their parents help they were able to go back. Lucas, on the other hand didn’t care what his parents or I said. He always did what he wanted. He stayed through the weekend.
When I turned on my phone and the computer I had hundreds of text messages and emails from Cole. My mom said he was worried sick, and that he wanted to take the next flight out, but she let him know it wouldn’t help my recovery to have another person waiting around. She kept him updated and that seemed to appease him. Lucas stepped out of my bedroom growling something under his breath when he saw that I called Cole. I told him what had happened, trying to lessen the gravity of the situation. He said he wanted to take the next flight out to see me but changed his mind when I told him I was fine and I would see him over the summer. He sent an obscene amount of roses, chocolate, and a big Snoopy, which was my favorite cartoon from my childhood, surprised he remembered this from one of our conversations. Lucas threw Snoopy in the back corner of my closet, saying there wasn’t enough room for him and the stuffed animal. Then he took the roses out of my room, saying that the smell wasn’t good for my recovery, followed by throwing away the chocolate because I didn’t like any of those flavors anyway. I let him have his way. I didn’t want to argue with him. As much as I told everyone I was fine, I wasn’t. I was exhausted and emotionally drained from having everyone in my face over the last few days.
I had a feeling my mom would never let me leave the house again and my dad wouldn’t let me drive for a while. Or at least be in anyone’s car. Our parents were the best of friends. They were all upset and disappointed with Austin for the accident, but we were young and they remembered what it was like, at least that’s what they said.
“Do you want me to get you something?” Lucas asked for the tenth time.
“No. What I want is for you to stop doting on me. When do you leave again?” I teased, knowing he left tomorrow morning and secretly dreaded it.
“I know you’re full of shit,” he reminded as if reading my mind and I chuckled at the thought.
I glanced over at him as we lay in the center of my bed. “Thanks for being here.”
“Where else would I be?” he stated as a question though it wasn’t.
I once again beheld the ceiling. “You remember when we were kids and we used to come up with images on the ceiling texture.”
“I remember a lot of things.”
“Yeah, your stupid dinosaurs always ate my bunnies. I don’t understand why your images were so aggressive.”
He was quiet for several seconds and the silence unnerved me. Then he finally said, “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, Half-Pint. I didn’t know fear like that was even possible.”
My eyes fell to my chest from the magnitude of his words. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but as more time went on I believed, no, I hoped that it would vanish. Be lost in the hurricane that surrounded us constantly. I had been avoiding it for as long as possible. I didn’t want to hear about what he felt. It hurt too much. I wanted to pretend nothing happened, add it to the pile of regrets, fights, and feelings to sweep under the rug.
“I don’t think I would have been able to—”
“I’m fine,” I firmly stated, but it didn’t matter. I could feel his intense and penetrating gaze on me, it flowed throughout my entire body, pumping right along with my blood and circulation.
“I wouldn’t have been able to live without you, Alex.”
“Don’t say stuff like that, Bo,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“It’s the truth.”
“I’m trying like all hell to not be pissed at Austin, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Half-Pint. It’s going to take time for me to get over it.”
“It’s not his fault,” I reminded yet again.
“I don’t see it like that. You weren’t
the one looking at your body that appeared lifeless. You weren’t the one picturing a life without you. You weren’t the one praying to every God known to man to let you be okay and not take you away from me.”
Silence.
I could hear my heart hammering in my ears and I swear he could, too.
“I can’t promise you that everything will be alright between Austin and me, but I can tell you that I will try.”
I nodded, my mouth dry.
“Alex, I think about that night all the time.”
My eyes widened in realization of what he declared and I found it hard to breathe, my broken ribs adding to my difficulty to find a steady rhythm. He wasn’t talking about the accident. My mind shifted through hundreds of images of that night at our abandoned house and everything that followed. I forcefully shut my eyes, trying to block out the images that replayed in my mind constantly. Wishing I could forget about it like I did the accident. I would have given anything for that to happen. I didn’t want to talk about that.
Not now.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry I—”
“Lucas,” I anxiously interrupted. “Let’s forget about that, okay? I can’t not right now.” It would lead into too many questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer.
Not ever.
“I just want you to know that night, it meant everything to me. I don’t ever want you to feel that I didn’t want—”
“Please.” I sat up, moving as far away from him as possible, hoping that the distance between us would affect him as much as it did me. Meeting his eyes with nothing but anguish and uncertainty in mine, I repeated, “Please.”
His eyebrows lowered, causing his eyes to narrow at me. “Why?” he asked, instantly standing up.
“Not now.” I backed away.
“I don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you that I didn’t want—”
I placed my hands over my ears like a child and peered down at the ground, blocking out the memories that haunted my everyday existence. “Please, Lucas, I’m begging you. Not now!” I shouted, losing the battle to remain calm.
He immediately engulfed me into his sturdy, comforting embrace, his arms caging me in his safety that I desperately craved. I hugged him as tight as I could, damned be my broken ribs, trying to provide the same reassurance that he gave me.
“Okay, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “I love you.”
I took in his words…
I was terrified that he would never look at me the same way.
I was terrified that he wouldn’t think of me the same way.
I was terrified he’d find out the truth.
I was terrified to hear him say…
I hate you.
Which is why we couldn’t talk about that night.
Austin got better and was on the road to a full recovery. He ended up having to go to summer school because he missed too many days due to the accident. They allowed him to walk at graduation, but he couldn’t have cared less. He did it for everyone else, including me. He became withdrawn from life and things that used to make him happy. I thought when he got accepted to Ohio State to follow the boys it might lift his spirits, but it didn’t. Not even a little. The judge charged him with a DUI, suspended his license for a year and on top of a hefty fine and legal fees he was to perform an obscene amount of community service, which only added to his reclusive behavior.
Aubrey got accepted to the University of California, I couldn’t have been happier for her. She had always been interested in design and fashion. She said her dad lived out there, but they didn’t have the best relationship, she hoped this could be a new start for the both of them. She never said anything about Dylan and the fact that he wasn’t a factor in her decision-making process worried me.
When she broke up with him a few weeks before she left for California, I knew I was right.
He didn’t take the break-up well and that’s putting it lightly. He trashed his entire room at his parents house, tore every memory of her out of his life. It looked like a hurricane had passed through it.
The irony was not lost on me.
I had never seen him so upset before, it broke my heart. When he finally talked to me about it, he said she became withdrawn. She wasn’t herself the entire summer. They weren’t very intimate, she didn’t allow him to hold her anymore, and she barely acknowledged or spoke to him, even when they were alone. He said he saw it coming and it led to a huge fight. But, then they had sex and he thought everything would be okay.
She broke up with him the next day.
He told her they would make it work, that he would do anything not to lose her, but she didn’t care. Her mind was made up. I was surprised he shared so much with me. Of course, my loyalty was with Dylan, though he didn’t want me to lose my friendship with Aubrey. He knew she was important to me. I loved him a little bit more because of it.
Jacob was same ol’ Jacob. Single and ready to mingle. The ladies man he was.
I spent the summer with all of them, including Cole. He came around a lot more with the guys. As much as Lucas hated it, for the first time he respected it. Summer went by entirely too quickly and before I knew it, they were gone. School had started again and I was a senior, applying to colleges and getting ready for my future.
I turned eighteen and the boys came home for my birthday, which coincidently landed on a Saturday. They took me out to South Port to a club. I couldn’t have hated it more if I tried. I am not the girl that gets dressed up in a slutty outfit and grinds all over random strangers all night. The boys wouldn’t have let me even if I wanted to but granted, I had no desire to do so. I learned right then and there that clubs just weren’t my thing.
It was a lonely school year for me. I kept to myself, worked a lot, kept my nose stuck in a book and hung out with Lily. It was nice to have a piece of Lucas around, although Lily couldn’t have been more different than her brother. They were like night and day. She was way beyond her years of fourteen. There were times that I forgot how old she truly was, and she became one of my best friends because of it. I still talked to Aubrey, we remained close, but we didn’t talk about Dylan. She didn’t ask and I didn’t tell.
Senior prom fast approached which would lead to graduation and I had no idea what college I wanted to attend. Cole went to the University of California with Aubrey and they said they had bumped into each other a few times at parties. Cole pledged Pike and Aubrey pledged Tri-Del, so they ran in similar crowds. They both had been begging me to come visit so that I could fall in love with California and want to attend the university with them, but I always made up an excuse. The truth was…
I applied and got accepted to UCLA.
No one knew that not even my parents.
Guys asked me to go to prom left and right, but I turned each one of them down. I decided I didn’t want to go and I didn’t bother buying a ticket. Something held me back from wanting to go and enjoy this special night of my senior year. Something was missing.
When I opened my front door and saw him standing in a tuxedo with a corsage in hand.
Lucas.
My baby sister became my spy, she kept me updated on Alex. What she did and didn’t do. They had become really close in the last year and spent most of their time together. I loved it. If she was with Lily at least I knew she wasn’t with any other fucking douchebag that crept around her. It’s not like it mattered. Alex was oblivious to any attention thrown her way. The magnetic pull she had toward guys was unbelievable, and I spent most of her eighteenth birthday fighting them off at the club. Her innocence and natural beauty was a lure. They could smell that shit from a mile away.
Lily told me she wasn’t going to prom because she wasn’t feeling it, I knew it was a bunch of bullshit.
Alex talked about stupid high school shit like that since we were kids. Called them milestones and memories to last a lifetime, shit you read on fucking Hallmark cards and bumper stickers. I called he
r mom and asked her to buy two tickets for us, making her promise not to say anything to her about it. I took care of the rest. This year had been hard on her. I didn’t need Lily to tell me that, I already knew.
It was hard for me, too.
I hated that she was alone.
I hated that I left her alone.
Her mom was more than willing to help in any way she could. Ecstatic that Alex would have a beautiful memory from her last year of high school. I rented a tuxedo that matched this white, lacy, flowing dress that went down to her ankles. She bought it when she was sixteen telling me it was for a special occasion, I still remembered her cheeks blushing as she said it. It wasn’t prom attire by any means, but that’s who she was. A tomboy at heart. She wouldn’t have wanted to wear anything that the stores were selling as prom dresses. It wasn’t her style.
I had the entire night planned out, nothing fancy or expensive. She was all about the little things and I knew that at entirely too young of an age. The look on her face was worth a million dollars to me when she opened the door.
That’s all the reassurance I needed.
“Bo,” she said, surprised. “You look, oh my God, you look amazing. What are you doing here?”
“I randomly rent tuxedos and knock on girls doors, just to see the look on their faces.”
She laughed and I followed suit. “I’m here to take you to your prom.”
With wide, teary eyes she conveyed, “What? I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t even have tickets.” She looked down at herself. “I mean look at me. I’m a mess.”
“I am looking. You’re perfect. Put on your dress.”
She peered up at me through her lashes with a slight grin and rosy cheeks.
“You know the one.”
She raised an eyebrow, contemplating what I said.
“I have the rest taken care of.”
She smiled big and wide as she shrieked before running up the stairs. I waited in the living room, looking at all our pictures on the mantle. I was in everyone one of them, along with the boys.
The sound of someone clearing his throat made me turn around. Her dad stood there, tall and intimidating. He had never appeared like that before. I figured he was about to start the “prom conversation.” Don’t touch my daughter, have her home by a certain time, no drinking, be responsible, and so on.