by M. Robinson
“Jesus Christ, Lucas, turn off your fucking phone if you’re not going to answer it,” Dylan barked.
I did, throwing it on the coffee table and leaning back into the couch. We were playing Halo on Xbox.
“Who the fuck keeps calling you?”
“No one important.”
“Obviously not to them, who did you fuck over?”
“No one.”
“Bullshit. That’s definitely a pissed off pussy phone call, I can smell it.”
I chuckled. “How about you get your shit together and play the fucking game.”
We played for several hours. It was easy to get sucked into the game and forget about everything else that happened around us. Dylan had his own demons he dealt with, as did I. I watched TV until late into the night, Dylan had gone to bed and Jacob was God knows where. I started to doze off watching Sports Center when there was a soft knock on the door.
I looked at the time on the DVR, it read one fifteen in the morning.
“Hold on,” I yelled out, opening the door. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I sneered, taking in Stacey.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for days, Lucas! Days!”
“Shhh… keep your voice down,” I whispered, grabbing her arm and tugging her into the apartment and then to my room. “Talk,” I ordered, closing the door behind me.
She spun to face me. “Jesus, I don’t even get a fucking hello.”
I folded my arms over my chest and leaned against the door. “Fucking is more your speed. Is that why you’re here?”
She scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself, Lucas. I’ve been driving all day.” She reached into her purse and took out what appeared to be a stick. “This is why I’m here.”
I raised my eyebrows, shaking my head not understanding and she threw the stick at my feet. I looked down at the ground and my heart dropped when I realized what it was. There clear as day it read.
Pregnant.
“How do I know it’s mine?” I immediately argued, never taking my eyes off the small fucking stick that drastically changed my future in the blink of an eye.
“You’re the only person I haven’t used a condom with. Or do you not remember that you didn’t bother to put one on?”
“Fuck,” I breathed out.
“Exactly.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed with my elbows resting on my knees, holding my head in my hands. I suddenly had an earsplitting headache. “What are you going to do?”
“Are you asking or telling?”
“Asking.”
“I don’t know.”
As much as I didn’t want this to be happening, it was a mistake, an accident. It didn’t change the fact that she was pregnant, possibly with my child. I couldn’t ignore that. I would man up if I had to.
“I don’t believe in abortion, Stacey, and I couldn’t live knowing that my child is out there with another family when I’m perfectly able to raise it,” I stated, instantly shutting my eyes from the severity of my words. “That’s if it’s mine.”
“It’s yours.”
“Then a paternity test will prove that.”
We were quiet for God knows how long. It could have been seconds or hours, who the fuck knows.
“Did you do it on purpose?” I had to know. “Did you do this to trap me?”
“You’re the one who walked into my bar, Lucas. You’re the one who forgot to use a condom.”
“I could barely fucking walk to a cab, Stacey! I barely remember any of it.” My head throbbed and my pulse quickened.
“You know, we could do this together. We could be parents to this—”
“Don’t you dare fucking say it. Don’t you dare fucking even think it. We have never been more than what you know we are, Stacey, don’t pretend there’s more here than there truly is.”
“That’s an amazing story to tell our child one day. You think we should put it in their baby book?”
“If.” I stood up and glared at her. “If. It’s mine. I will do my part in this fucked up situation. I will be a father to my child whether I like it’s mother or not.”
“You like me enough to fuck me. You always have. That has to mean something.”
I wanted to tell her it’s because she’s a slut, she’s a whore, she spreads her legs to any guy who will look her way, it’s what she’s good at and she knows it. But I held my tongue, I resisted the urge to treat her like the conniving bitch she was. I knew there was an ulterior motive. She wasn’t nearly as fucked up as I was. She barely drank. She did this intentionally and I was the stupid fuck who fell into her trap, but if the baby was mine… then she was the mother of my child, and I couldn’t bring myself to say what I really wanted to.
It wouldn’t be right.
“How far along are you?”
“My doctor said almost seven weeks. The baby is due April 9th.”
It seemed so close but yet so far away. September just began.
“When is the next doctor’s appointment?”
“In a month.”
I nodded. “I’ll be there.”
She smiled.
“I want a paternity test done as soon as possible. Do you understand me?”
She grimaced, softly saying. “I’ll call the office tomorrow.”
I nodded again.
She tried to open my bedroom door to leave and I shut it. “You’re not going anywhere. It’s late. You’re pregnant. You can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
I grabbed my pillow and a blanket from the closet, immediately noticing it was the one that Alex picked out for her to use.
Fuck… Alex.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, it felt like the floor caved beneath me. Sucking me in whole and with no remorse.
“You know the bed is big enough for the both of us,” she purred, caressing the side of my face and pulling me away from my regrets.
I grabbed her hand. “Not a fucking chance. Get some sleep, Stacey, you have a long drive home tomorrow.” And with that I left.
I drove to the nearest bar just to try to get a handle on my emotions and thoughts. The second I saw that positive pregnancy stick I wanted it to be Alex. Images of her showing me she was pregnant with our child flashed through my mind. It was instant and unforgiving. I hated that she wasn’t going to be the mother of my child. I hated that I had made a baby with someone else, someone that wasn’t her, someone that I didn’t love and could barely stand.
I’m a fucking asshole.
I couldn’t have hated myself more had I tried. There was no coming back from this, only going forward.
I was going to be a dad.
I was going to have a baby.
I didn’t sleep an ounce that night. Not one fucking minute. I stared at the ceiling, making images from the texture. I saw bunnies everywhere.
I knew the worst was yet to come.
Alex wouldn’t forgive me for this. Not a chance in hell. It was only a matter of time before she found out and walked out of my life.
For good.
My phone rang and Lily’s face lit up the screen.
“Hello, it’s you,” I laughed, waiting for her standard reply of, “Hello, it’s me.”
“Alex, oh my God! I’m so sorry, how are you? Are you okay? My brother is so fucking stupid. You know he doesn’t love her. You know it’s a mistake. She’s evil and I bet she did it on purpose. I bet she’s planned this for years. Ugh! I hate her. I hate her so much.”
“Whoa, Lily, calm down. What are you talking about?”
“The baby. I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt to that cunt’s child. It should be you, Alex, it should be you!”
I shook my head, utterly confused. “What baby? What are you talking about?”
Silence.
“Lily?”
Silence.
I looked at my phone and she was still on the line. “Are you there?”
Silence.
“Lily, can you hear me? I can’t hear you. Are
you there?”
“You don’t know?” she whispered so low I could barely hear her.
“I don’t know what? What’s going on?”
“Oh no…”
“You’re scaring me. Is everything okay?”
“I’m so sorry, Alex, I thought he would have told you. I can’t believe he hasn’t told you. I just found out today, but he told my parents weeks ago. They were trying to figure out a way to tell me. I figured you’d know. I called you first. I haven’t even called him to yell at him yet. But trust me, I’m going to fucking yell at him. More so now,” she rambled.
I sat down on the edge of my bed, barely registering what she said. “Lily…” I lamented.
“Oh, Alex.”
“What are you saying?” I murmured, my eyes already filling with tears.
“It was an accident. He didn’t mean to do it. He loves you. You know that. You guys are meant to be together. You’re lobsters! You’re his lobster. Please! Don’t lose faith in that. This doesn’t change anything.”
There was an eerie calm around me that produced a false illusion that everything would be okay.
“Say it. I need to hear you say it.”
“Stacey…”
My hand went to my chest as if trying to hold the remains of my shattered heart together.
“Stacey’s pregnant, Alex.”
I never imagined there could be a pain like this.
I thought I experienced every sort of devastation possible at the hands of Lucas, but nothing came close to this. Nothing compared to this. Nothing prepared me for this.
Not. One. Thing.
“Is it his?”
“You know those tests could be wrong. Sometimes they’re wrong, it’s not a hundred percent accurate. I read that on the Internet. Want me to send you the link?”
“Is. It. His?”
“Yes,” she murmured, loud enough for me to hear, it echoed through the phone.
There was no stopping the tears from falling down the sides of my face, one right after the other. No start or ending to how my tears flowed, they were relentless. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think.
“Alex, are you there?”
It was my turn to be silent.
“He loves you. He loves you so much. You’re his soul mate and he’s yours. You have to believe that. Everyone knows it. That’s why she trapped him. She’s like the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. He doesn’t love her. She knows that. Do you want me to beat her up? I’ll kick her ass after the baby is born. Alex? Please say something.”
“I got to go.”
“Alex! Alex!” she yelled out, as my hand fell to my lap, I hit the end button on my cell phone. Instantly a picture of Lucas and I was on the screen. I stared at it while my mind was stuck on one word.
Pregnant.
My arm shot up and I flung my phone across the room. I watched as it flew through the air, stopping when it connected with the wall. It shattered into bits and pieces, scattering throughout the carpeted floor. I sat there and stared off into space, then looked around my room. There were pictures of us everywhere, presents that he had given me, memories all over, and it made me sick to my stomach to see it.
It was too much.
It was too real.
It overwhelmed me and consumed me.
It hurt me and slayed me.
Like a giant blade was driven directly into my heart.
I reacted.
I leaped off the bed and let the rage, the fury, the craze take over. I went from feeling nothing to an infinite stream of hurt, pain, and emptiness. I had been a ticking time bomb that waited. Exploded.
I was loud, disastrous, and chaotic.
I would take everything in my vicinity with me, like a hurricane whirling around, merciless and unforgiving. It elicited feelings I never thought were possible, emotions that no one should ever have to experience. I felt every loss of breath, every tear, every memory, everything he ever said to me, and everything he ever promised me. It was all lies.
Lies.
All of the lies cluttered my mind for my will to keep going, for me to push through. I couldn’t keep up with the agony, it clasped onto me like a vice. Taking me deeper underground, where there was no one, but me.
Alone.
I darted around my room, my feet stomping everywhere I stepped, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Throwing pictures, vases, I went after anything and everything I could find. My eyes blurred with nothing but tears. My body twisted with nothing but hate and my desire to fall apart.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled, talking to myself. I repeated it over and over to let it sink into my pores and make it become a part of me. Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end.
“Jesus Christ, Alex,” Aubrey yelled, running into my bedroom. “What’s going on?”
“It hurts! It hurts, Aubrey, it hurts so bad!” I crumbled to the ground and she came with me.
“What? What hurts? Are you okay?” she panicked, trying to comfort me as I sat on my knees with my body hunched over.
“I’m trying to keep from dying… I’m just trying to keep from dying,” I bawled, big, huge ugly tears.
She pulled my head into her lap and I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I can’t breathe, Aubrey. I feel like I can’t breathe,” I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Shhh… it’s okay, Alex… it’s okay, I’m here,” she sympathized, her own voice breaking.
I collapsed into her lap. The more I cried, the more I realized, I was no longer.
His brown eyed girl.
When I heard the knock on the door I just knew.
Call it intuition. Call it a sixth sense. Call it being fucking perceptive. I don’t give a shit. I knew when I opened the door Alex would be standing there.
Broken.
Hurt.
Devastated.
All because of me.
I took a deep breath, being grateful that no one was home but me. This wouldn’t be pretty, not even a little bit. When I opened the door to find her standing there like she hadn’t slept all night, I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms. Comfort her anyway I could, except she would never seek refuge from me again.
I was her destruction.
“Is it true?” she immediately asked, and I shamefully bowed my head.
“Is it fucking true?!” she yelled.
I instantly looked back up at her. I had never in my twenty-one years heard Alex cuss. Not one time. I stumbled back a few feet from the impact of her words.
“You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.”
She shook her head and stepped inside, slamming the door behind her. “Oh no, Lucas Ryder, you do not get off that easy. You will say it to me! You will look me in the eye and tell me!” she screamed loud enough to break glass.
I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. With a heavy heart and a guilty conscience I said, “Yes, it’s true. Stacey’s pregnant and I’m the father. The paternity test proved it.”
“Is she keeping it?”
I was shocked that she would even ask me that. “Alex, you know I could never… yes.”
“Are you going to marry her?” Her eyes filled up with tears, nearly bringing me to my knees.
“Never, we’re not together, this was an accident. I’m going to help her raise the baby, but that’s all.”
“You say that like it’s so easy.”
“I fucked up.”
“That’s all you ever do, Lucas. You’re one big fuck up.”
I jerked back, hurt. “I needed you, Half-Pint. I needed you so fucking bad. You want to start pointing fingers. Let’s start there.”
She wiped away her tears and narrowed her eyes at me, offended. “Wow. It’s my fault that you can’t keep your dick in your pants? Oh no, let me rephrase that. You can’t keep your dick in your pants with anyone besides me. With me you can.”
“No.” I pointed at her. “That’s not fucking fair.”
“Are you fucking joking? A child? You think I see you as a child? Jesus Christ, Alex, fucking touch my cock and I’ll prove to you that I don’t see you as a child.”
“Too little, too late,” she viscously spewed.
I yanked the hair away from my face and held it at the sides of my head. Wanting to tear it the fuck out.
“Why her, Lucas? Of all people, why her?”
“I told you. It was an accident. I was drunk as shit and barely remember any of it,” I scoffed, disgusted with myself. “I needed you and when I found you.” I stepped toward her, right in front of her face and I was surprised she didn’t step away.
“When I found you, you were in our house. With him.”
Her eyes widened and her breathing hitched at the realization of what I said.
“That’s right, I saw you. I saw you about to lose your virginity to Cole in our house. The same place I told you I couldn’t take that from you. I know I’m an asshole, Alex, I know I’m a selfish fucking prick, I know I’ve done some really shitty things to you, but goddamn it I couldn’t make love to you and then leave you. I was leaving the next day. You were drunk for the love of God. I didn’t want your first time to be like that. Do you think I could have lived with myself after doing that to you?” I paused to let my words linger.
“I think about that night all the time.
Every.
Fucking.
Day.
I stopped because I love you. I fuck everyone else because I don’t.”
She shook her head with a look on her face I had never seen before. “I didn’t, Lucas. I couldn’t. Yes, I brought him there, but I didn’t sleep with him. We kissed and I stopped him. I actually ran out of the house and fell flat on my face.”
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I fucking smiled. My heart soared from the news that she hadn’t given herself to him.