The Perils of Effrijim

by Katie MacAlister

  Raphael didn’t object when I hefted the stone and marched toward the stairs, although he did give the back of my hand a swift lick with his bristly tongue.

  By the time we made our way back to the first floor hallway where Sir Alec and Grizel had been romping, it was obvious that a shouting match was going on.

  “How dare you! I’ll go anywhere in this castle that I please, and you cannot stop me!”

  “Ye’re confined to the upstairs. Grizel and I have the lower floors. That’s how it’s always been, and that’s how it’ll ever be!” Sir Alec roared.

  Lily didn’t appear to be threatened despite the fact she was staring her murderer in the face. “I came down to see that you don’t harm that dear Beloved and the one who I see now is some relation of yours, the poor man. And don’t you threaten me, you murderous whoreson! You were a horrible husband when you were alive, and you’re a worse one now that you’re dead! Running around the castle flaunting your trollop in that manner. Have you no shame? No sense of dignity?”

  “Now there’s a pot callin’ the kettle black,” Sir Alec yelled. “Ye had yer skirts up for any man who caught yer eye!”

  Lily gasped. “Oh! I did not!”

  Sir Alec leaned forward, all three of them so obviously focused on the argument they didn’t notice our approach. “I’ve three words to say to that: Sir Roderick Langton.”

  Lily opened her mouth to protest, but quickly snapped her teeth closed.

  “Aye, I thought that would shut ye up,” Sir Alec answered with satisfaction. “Ye can’t be throwing out accusations about Grizel and me when ye were up to the very same thing with that pasty-faced bastard.”

  “Roddy wasn’t a bastard! He loved me! He wanted to take me away from your cruelties!”

  “Cruelties!” snorted Sir Alec.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but there’s a situation I’m going to need your help with,” I said, plopping the stone down onto the nearest table.

  “Just a minute, lass,” Sir Alec told me without glancing our way. “I’ve taken enough from this she-devil. It’s time she face the truth rather than the pack of lives she preferred to believe. Was it cruelty, then, to give ye everything ye wanted? Ye had the finest cloth, jewels, the best of my bloodstock—”

  “Trivial things,” Lily yelled, waving her hands. “You thought to buy my affections with your gold! I saw through that in an instant though. I knew what sort of man you were—a murderer, a thief who would steal his own wife’s jewels to give to another. You drove me to Roddy’s arms! You and your damned harlot!”

  “I realize that this is a heated subject, but I really do have an emergency on my hands here, and I’d appreciate a little help,” I said, but the three ghosts ignored me.

  “Ye’ll not be talking about my Grizel that way!” Sir Alec shouted back at Lily. “She’s worth a whole castle full of the likes of ye, not that ye’d know how a proper wife behaved, lockin’ yerself away in the tower as ye did for months on end! And as for yer precious jewels—ye’ll be needing to talk to Sir Roderick about them.”

  Lily gasped again, her eyes blazing. “How dare you impugn his name! He was a saint! A god among men! You were not fit to lick his boots!”

  Despite the urgency of the situation with Raphael, I was oddly drawn into the argument. “Wait a sec—did you just say that Lily locked herself into the tower? I thought...er...well, I thought you did that because she had a daughter instead of a son?”

  Lily lifted her chin and looked away. Sir Alec shot his first wife a nasty look. “Oh, aye, that’s what she wanted everyone to think. But the truth is different from legend, isn’t it, Lily? Go on and tell this lass how ye locked yerself in the tower in a fit of temper. Tell her how ye had that ball-less whoreson bringin’ ye food and wine on the sly, while ye let everything think ye were up there starvin’. Ye tell her that, and I’ll tell her how Sir Roderick disappeared once he finally got his hands on yer jewels and gold, and how yer own stubbornness kept ye in the tower rather than admit what had happened.”

  Raphael bumped my hand with his nose.

  “Just a sec, sweety. I think we’re finally getting to the truth,” I murmured to him.

  “He didn’t disappear!” Lily bellowed. “You killed him! Just as you killed me!”

  “I did nothing of the kind! He strung ye along as long as it took to get the key to yer strongboxes, then he up and left ye to starve to death in yer tower. Ye have no one but yerself to blame!”

  Raphael bumped my hand again. Absently, I patted him on his head, relieved to know that my gut instinct about Alec hadn’t been far off. But how were we to resolve the situation?

  “You killed me!” she repeated, and was about to fly at Sir Alec when Raphael had evidently had enough. He tossed up his head and let loose with a roar that came close to shaking the windows. The three ghosts spun around in unison and stared at Raphael.

  “Ah, lad,” Sir Alec said, shaking his head. “Ye just had to see the stone, didn’t ye? And now ye’ll pay the price for yer curiosity.”

  “We are not amused,” I said loudly, leveling a stern look at Sir Alec as I pointed to Raphael. “This is our honeymoon. That is my husband. He is a lion. Which of those three statements does not belong?”

  The three ghosts blinked at me.

  I took a deep breath. “I want him changed back, and I want him changed back right now!”

  “’Tis nothing to do with me,” Sir Alec shrugged. “He did it himself. I warned him not to go into the Stone Room.”

  “You didn’t say there was a chance he would be changed into an animal!” I yelled, overcome with frustration. “How the hell did it happen anyway? All he did was pick up the stone!”

  “I told ye that’s all it would take. The men of Fyfe were cursed long ago, ye ken. Cursed to be therianthropes—to change into animals—when they touch the laird’s stone. Yon laddy ...well, ye can see what happened. He’s a very nice lookin’ lion, though, don’t ye think Grizel?”

  “Very nice,” she agreed quickly. “Just like a great big kitty. Does he purr if you stroke him?”

  Raphael growled low in his throat. I patted him again. “Calm down, sweety. We’ll get this figured out.” I took a deep breath and skewered Sir Alec with a look that would have scared the crap out of a mortal man. “Given the evidence before us, I’m willing to accept the story about the stone. You have yet, however, to tell me what it is we need to do to get Raphael back.”

  Sir Alec shrugged. “He must learn how to shift back to human form by himself.”

  “Well, surely you can give him some help!” I said, clutching my hands together to keep from shaking the annoying ghost. “You must have some experience with this!”

  “Nay, none,” he said, shaking his head.

  “But...but...it’s your stone!”

  “Aye, and the men of Fyfe were well warned not to go near it. None of us did,” he said with irritating righteousness.

  I stared at him in outright surprise. “Do you mean to say that you have this horrible stone in the castle, one that can turn any male family member into an animal if he so much as touches the damned thing, and no one ever did so?”

  “Aye, that’s what I’m tellin’ ye. We had the warning, ye see. We knew that to touch it would bring down the curse upon our heads.”

  I turned to consider the stone. “Then what are we going to do? If we put it back, will it change Raphael back?”

  “I’m afraid not, lass. He’s therian, ye see. All of us men of Fyfe are, but only those who touch the stone trigger the change.”

  I looked at my husband. His eyes peered back at me, filled with a heart-twisting mixture of hope, trust, and sadness. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you stay this way. We just need to think...there has to be an answer. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last few years, it’s that nothing is absolute.”

  “We’d help ye if we could,” Sir Alec said, pulling Grizel to his side. “But I’m afraid that there’s no solution. It’s as the c
urse says: The Thane of Fyfe shadowed be, thrice around the stone bound; in its light, the devil can see, and the beast within be found.”

  “Thrice around the stone bound,” I murmured, eyeing the stone. “I wonder...Bob?”

  Raphael looked thoughtful for a moment, clearly thinking the same thing I was. His head jerked up and down in an awkward acknowledgement.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, my heart weeping at the sight of his eyes, so familiar, so human, bound in a body that was nothing more than a furry prison.

  He nodded again.

  “Right. Here goes nothing.” I picked up the stone, grunting a little at its weight as I lifted it over my head.

  “What are ye doin’?” Sir Alec yelled, leaping toward me.

  I lowered the stone and took a couple of steps back, just in case he had any funny ideas about trying to snatch it from me. “The curse revolves around the stone. You guys have been protecting it all these centuries, believing it made you happy.”

  “Aye, it has! So long as the laird’s stone is safe, all will be well.”

  “The laird’s stone, the laird’s stone,” Lily muttered before jabbing a finger in Sir Alec’s direction. “Ask him what he’s done to the lady’s stone!”

  Sir Alec looked abashed for a moment.

  “He destroyed it, that’s what he did!” she crowed. “He couldn’t stand to see me happy, and he destroyed it, damning all women in the family to eternal sorrow!”

  “I didn’t even know ye, ye daft woman!” Sir Alec answered. “I dropped it down the privy when I was a lad!”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  He cleared his throat, embarrassment plainly written on his face. “’Twas an accident. I didn’t know it was the lady’s stone. I used to play in the passage leading to the stone room. I never touched the laird’s stone—even then I knew what repercussions that would have—” he said, looking at Raphael. “But the lady’s stone was different. It was smaller, and pretty. I used to carry it about with me, and it...er...well, it was dropped into the privy by mistake.”

  “A likely tale,” Lily snorted.

  “What happened after that?” I asked, glancing from the stone in my arms to Raphael.

  His eyes pleaded with me to do something.

  “What do ye mean?”

  “Was there any repercussion for destroying the lady’s stone? Did something happen to your mother?”

  “Nothing happened to her, although she proper tanned my arse for playing in the privy,” he said with a rueful grin as he rubbed his behind.

  I smiled at him. “I’m sure you deserved it.”

  “Aye, but that didn’t make it any easier to—nooo!”

  I lifted the stone as high over my head as I could, and slammed it back down toward the solid marble floor. A shock wave knocked me back off my feet, against Raphael. We fell to the ground in a tangle of human and lion limbs, the explosion as the stone shattered into a thousand pieces echoing painfully along the hall. Beneath us, the ground trembled for a moment, easing as the horrible sound faded into nothing.

  A dense cloud of dust choked the air, making me cough as I pushed my hair out of my face and sat up.

  “Bob!” I yelled in delight as I flung myself on a familiar, man-shaped form.

  “Blessed Virgin, what have ye done?” Sir Alec asked, his figure barely visible in the dense, dusty air. He helped Grizel to her feet, ignoring the nasty look Lily shot him as she rose from where she’d been knocked back.

  Sir Alec stood looking at the pile of rubble that was formerly the laird’s stone.

  “I broke the damned curse,” I said, hugging Raphael.

  “But...but ye have destroyed the stone! Ye’ve destroyed the happiness of the lairds!”

  “You don’t deserve happiness, you murdering, adulterous blackguard!” Lily growled as she dusted herself off. She turned to face us, giving a regal nod of her head. “You’ve done as I asked; you’ve destroyed the stone. I will be at peace now.”

  “I hate to say this, but that wasn’t why I destroyed it,” I said as Raphael helped me up. “You OK, sweety?”

  “Yes, thanks to you.” He kissed me, his eyes hot with love and desire.

  “Ye broke my stone!” Sir Alec wailed, dropping to his knees before the pile of rubble. “Ye’ve ruined my chance of happiness!”

  “Pfft,” I said. “I don’t know why someone didn’t think of destroying the stone earlier to break the were-kitty curse, but I assume it’s because you’ve had it drummed into your heads that no one must go near it or touch it in order to be happy. Well, I’ve always been a firm believer in people making their own destinies, and their own happiness. You and Grizel seem to be pretty happy as you are, and nothing can change that.”

  “She’s right, love,” Grizel said, putting a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “We’re still here, and we still have each other. What more could make us happy?”

  “Oh, for mercy’s sake,” Lily said, rolling her eyes as she picked her way across the dirt and rock-strewn floor. “Now that I have been avenged, I can move on and find Roddy. I have a few questions to put to him about what happened to my jewels...”

  Lily’s form shimmered as it disappeared into the wall.

  “Alec?” Grizel asked, prodding him.

  “Eh? Oh, aye, I suppose ye’re right,” he said, sighing as he brushed dust from his hands and stood up. “But I still think it’s a tragedy the stone is gone.”

  “Cheer up,” I said, wrapping my arms around Raphael’s waist and biting his chin. “You still have the castle stone, right? One out of three isn’t too bad.”

  “Aye, I suppose. Unless ye’ll be wantin’ to see that, too,” he said with a barbed look.

  “I swear I’ll keep Joy away from any other stones,” Raphael promised.

  Alec grunted acknowledgement.

  Grizel smiled winsomely at her husband. “Come, love. We’ll go back to the stable yard, and ye can be the stable lad, and I’ll be the goose girl. Ye know how ye love to play stable lad.”

  A lascivious light dawned in Sir Alec’s eyes as he turned away from the stone. “Would ye be the dairy maid instead of the goose girl?”

  “Perhaps,” Grizel said with a coy arch to her brows, and encouraging twitch of her skirt.

  “Ah, lass, ye do know how to stoke my fire,” Sir Alec said, lunging for her. She squealed and took off down the hallway.

  Sir Alec started after her, pausing to look back at us. “What are ye waitin’ for, lad? It’s yer weddin’ night, and ye’re back to yer manly form. Go pleasure yer wife!”

  “That’s the smartest thing you’ve said all night,” Raphael said, scooping me up in his arms, and carrying me up the stone staircase.

  “I agree completely,” I said, kissing his jawline. “And since I’m so accommodating, would you like to get the ‘I told you so’ out of the way now, or later?”

  “I’d like to forget the whole blasted evening,” he growled, pushing open the door to our suite.

  “I’m sure you would, but I have to say—you made a very sexy lion.”

  “That’s all over with now. It won’t happen again,” he said, setting me on my feet as he locked the door.

  “I wonder...” I nibble my lip as I went into the bedroom.

  “You wonder what? How long it will take me to have you screaming with ecstasy?”

  “No, I know that’s a given,” I said as he followed me into the room. Before I could say anything else, his clothes were off and he was stalking toward me, a hungry, predatory look in his eyes that left me shivering with delight. “I was going to say I wonder if you coming to Fyfe brought forth previously hidden therianthrope tendencies, but I think I have my answer.”

  “I am not an animal,” he growled, the sound starting deep in his chest, rolling outwards with a rumble that sounded remarkably like a lion’s.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I said, giggling when he pounced on me, sending us both falling back onto the bed. “I think I might like having the beast
within you released.”

  He growled again, nibbling my neck as he peeled off my shirt.

  “What a honeymoon this is going to be,” I sighed happily. “ I can’t wait to see what happens at the end of the week.”

  “End of the week?” Raphael asked, removing my bra. His eyes lit as he swooped down to nibble various and sundry exposed parts. “What happens at the end of the week?”

  “Full moon, sweety. Full moon!”

  EXCERPT FROM A GIRL’S GUIDE TO VAMPIRES

  Author’s note: Like the first chapter of You Slay Me, I’ve received permission from Harper Collins to include this chapter of A Girl’s Guide to Vampires, the first in my Dark Ones series, and the book in which Joy and Raphael from Cat Got Your Tongue meet and fall madly in love. If you’re familiar with Girl’s Guide, you may zip past it to the rest of the book. If you want to read more, it’s available in print, e-book, and audio formats.

  Chapter One

  "Gin makes me brilliant."

  "No, Joy, you just think gin makes you brilliant. Gin makes you sotted. Chocolate makes you brilliant."

  I looked at the reflection in the French door of the dark-haired woman sitting next to me in a circle of lit candles, and shook my head with a solemnity that I hoped belied the aforementioned sottedness. My reflection shook her head as if to warn me. I decided to heed the warning, and carefully set down my glass. "Chocolate has many powers, most notably in the area of adding heft to my hips, but gin, in fact, makes me brilliant."

  Our companion drifted around the room lighting more scented candles, pausing to raise her eyebrows at the sight of our mutual friend snorting with laughter into her vodka martini.

  “No more libations of a vodka nature for you, Roxanne,” Miranda warned before lighting one last candle and dropping down onto a taupe and green leaf print rug across from us. "The Goddess doesn’t grant her blessings upon those who are soused. Joy, what is it you are being brilliant about?"