I immediately went to grab the note. At this point I didn’t want anyone to ever see it.
“I’m going to use the restroom,” Jeremiah said, stepping into the bathroom.
I started gathering my things, then remembered the gun. I raced over to the mattress, reached underneath, and pulled it out. I had just dropped the gun in my duffel bag when I turned to see Jeremiah standing in the doorway, watching me.
“You really were going to do it?” he said. “I thought you had made that up. I—”
I cut him off. “I’m ashamed to say that I was.”
“So I guess we both were going to take the coward’s way out,” he said, his eyes bearing a shame of their own.
I walked over and gripped him by the shoulders. “Don’t. Don’t ever say that. We weren’t cowards. We were despondent. We’d lost sight of what matters. It doesn’t matter what almost happened. All that matters is what did happen.”
“What if we both had—”
“We’re not even going to think about that,” I interrupted. “Everything happens for a reason. The housekeeper interrupted me, which gave me time to see you on the news.”
“Wow, maybe she was an angel sent to save us both, because if you hadn’t come, I had made up in my mind that I was going to jump.”
It broke my heart to realize Jeremiah had been so close to death. I also thought about that angel of a housekeeper. I had been so rude to her, and one of Elizabeth’s favorite sayings popped to mind: Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.
I was going to ask about the housekeeper on the way out. Maybe I could give her a tip, though honestly, I could never repay her for what she’d done.
“Let’s go, son,” I told Jeremiah after I’d gathered all my belongings.
I headed toward the door, but Jeremiah remained by the window.
“You ready?” I asked.
He turned to me. “I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to go home.”
I paused, then found myself asking, “Your dad doesn’t hit you or anything, does he?”
Jeremiah shook his head. “No, but what he does do is a lot more painful. He beats my soul.”
I’d never given a lot of thought to verbal abuse, because my father hurt us with his fists so much that we almost welcomed the emotional punishment.
“You know what?” I said after a few more moments of silence. “I’ve been thinking. Everyone seems to believe that the problem is me living alone. Do you know where I could find a young man, about fourteen, fifteen, who would like to live with me, keep me out of trouble?”
Jeremiah’s eyes widened. “Are you for real?”
“I am.”
Then just as quickly, dejection made his shoulders slump. “Dad is never gonna go for that.”
“Oh, I’ll convince him.” I didn’t know how, but in the last few hours I’d learned that anything was possible. If I couldn’t get through to Charlie, I would go through Britt, convince her to finally stand up to her husband.
“Only one condition, though.”
“Anything.”
“I want both of us to go talk to a therapist. Maybe talking about our issues can do us both some good,” I said.
He shrugged. “As long as I can come live with you, I’m good. I’ll talk to whoever you want.”
At first I thought I’d been spared in order to save Jeremiah, but as we left Room 316, I realized that Jeremiah was spared to save me, too.
Anna
chapter
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25
This was the life I’d envisioned. At least a good part of it anyway. I fingered the photo of my family and smiled. When I’d come to America, my dream had been to create a home for my family, to escape the atrocities of Hidalgo, Mexico, and live a life my parents had been unable to give me.
I guess the best-laid plans don’t always go as planned.
When Julio and I had taken this picture, we were proud parents of our fourth child. Our children had been the driving force to create the best life we could. And when Julio died just two months after this photo, I’d tried to carry on the parenting journey alone.
And I’d had a 75 percent success rate.
My three heartbeats made the journey all worthwhile. Alejendro with his angelic dimpled smile and the innocence of his seven years on earth; Maria, who, at nine, managed to find light in the darkest of days; and Miguel, my wise-beyond-his-thirteen-years son who had made me the president of the proud mama club—they were the reason why I worked so hard.
But my fourth child—my oldest, Paco, who had traveled the underground journey to America with Julio and me—was another story.
Paco was in God’s hands. That’s the only place I could put him.
My eighteen-year-old had left our family for the gang life, and nothing I did could bring him back. I wished that my Julio had been here, because then Paco would’ve walked the straight and narrow. But Julio had died in a freight accident at work when Paco was just eleven years old. And now, my son was a lost cause.
I was determined to get things right with my other three. Though I still had to work a lot because I was a single parent, I made sure that they got all my time off, that they knew they were a priority in my life and I stayed present in theirs.
We had a few friends here in Houston, but the bulk of our family remained in Hidalgo, in a life that was ravaged with poverty and crime. It was a life that I never wanted my children to know. That’s why Julio and I—three weeks after getting married at age seventeen—had endured the worst of conditions to sneak across the U.S. border. That’s why I worked as much as possible at my job as a housekeeper in the Markham Hotel. I took overtime anytime I could, often on the overnight shift just so I could be there to see my kids off to school.
“Mommy, hurry, the zoo is gonna close,” Alejandro said.
“Mi hijo, it’s ten in the morning,” I replied, snapping out of my trance and setting the picture down. I headed back into the kitchen to resume packing their lunches for our outing. “The zoo is open all day.”
“But I’m ready to go now,” he whined.
“Little niño, what did I tell you about being patient?” I said, calling him the name that Julio had affectionately given to him when he was still in my womb.
“The patient bird gets the worm,” he exclaimed.
“And if you want the worm, you must be what?”
“Patient!” Maria answered for him from her seat in the corner, where she was reading the latest Harry Potter book. My daughter was a voracious reader, and just watching her with her head buried in a book always brought a smile to my face.
Alejandro’s shoulders sank in defeat. “Okay, Mommy,” he said.
“Miguel, are you ready?” I called out to my son, who was back in the bedroom that he shared with Alejandro. I had given Maria my room and I slept on the sofa. It wasn’t the ideal situation, but we made do.
“He’s playing his video game,” Maria said.
I groaned and marched to the back, where Miguel was indeed playing on a PlayStation that I’d won at a work raffle. I had used my last dollar for that raffle and was stunned when I won. But the gamble was worth it because of the joy the games brought to my son’s face. He had such a wonderful attitude and was always stepping up to the plate to help with his brother and sister. Miguel was a straight-A student and president of the student council at his middle school.
I fussed at him about these video games, but he made me so proud.
He and his siblings were the reason that I refused to accept any handouts. All I wanted to do was work, raise my family, and keep to myself.
“Miguel, we’re going to leave you,” I announced.
He leaned to the right, navigating his controller as if he was in the middle of real-life combat. “I’m coming. I’m coming.”
“Vámonos.”
“Mom,” Miguel said, “speak English.”
I marched over, turned hi
s game off, then turned to face him. “This is your home. You are an American. But don’t ever forget your roots,” I scolded him.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, knowing that was one subject where he didn’t want to mess around with me.
I was proud of my Mexican heritage, and if conditions had been different in Hidalgo, I would’ve gladly stayed. But America had been good to us. My children had a life here. A life they could have only dreamed about in Hidalgo.
“Now, vámonos!” I told Miguel as I walked back into the living area of our small two-bedroom house, which though it was tattered and in desperate need of remodeling, I’d managed to make a home.
“Come on, children,” I said. “Let’s go. I have to stop by my job and pick up my paycheck. After we leave the zoo, we can go get ice cream.”
“Yay,” both Alejandro and Maria said at the same time as they jumped up to follow me toward the door.
“Miguel, wash the dishes while we’re gone,” I yelled. That was enough to have my son come flying out of his room. He caught up with us just as I was about to close the door.
chapter
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26
My children and I had begun walking toward the bus stop when Miguel tugged my arm.
“Mom,” he muttered, his eyes fixated on a figure stumbling down the sidewalk.
I stopped in my tracks as my oldest son approached us. He was so thin it brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t seen Paco in five months. We’d had a big blowup the last time he came to visit, because I tried to keep him from leaving to go back into the streets. And in all those months the streets had not been kind to my child.
“Mijo!” I cried, racing over to pull him into my embrace.
He only halfheartedly hugged me back. But I was so happy to see him that I didn’t care. I was constantly worried about Paco, but it was a huge relief to lay eyes on him.
“Hey, Ma,” he said, diverting his gaze. Even though he looked like he had lost thirty pounds, that wasn’t what worried me. My son’s usually flushed face was hollow, like he’d danced with the devil and traded his soul.
“Paco!” Alejandro and Maria said, throwing their arms around his waist.
Paco hugged them tightly, then looked at Miguel. “You can’t speak to your big bro?”
Miguel didn’t move, but he nodded and said, “What’s up?” I know Miguel had issues because he loved Paco something fierce and he’d shared with me how he had nightmares of Paco being killed in the streets.
Paco was about to say something to Miguel when a police cruiser turned onto the street. If ever I’d had any doubt that my son was still into illicit activities, the way his whole body tensed left little doubt.
“Are you okay, mijo?” I asked.
His eyes stayed on the cruiser. I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed as if my son was positioning himself in case he had to take off running.
Not until the cruiser had passed us did Paco relax and answer me.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m straight,” he said. He stood erect, and I could tell he was forcing himself to act casual. “Where y’all headed?”
“To the zoo!” Alejandro announced.
“You should come,” Maria added.
“Nah, I . . . I just came to see you guys.”
“Paco, what’s going on?” I couldn’t help but ask. He was so nervous. Though his hands were in his pockets, he was shaking. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”
“Come on, Ma, don’t start,” he said. “I . . . I was just around and wanted to come by and see you guys. But if y’all are headed out . . .” He shrugged.
All three of my other children looked at me as if they wanted me to do something.
“Well, maybe we could wait on going to the z—”
“No!” Alejandro said before I could finish my sentence.
“Nah, go on,” Paco said. “I can, umm, I—” He shifted nervously. My maternal instinct told me my child was indeed in trouble. But I knew after our blowup last time, I needed to tread lightly.
“You know what, mijo? The kids have been waiting all week for this trip to the zoo. So, I don’t want to disappoint them, but why don’t you go on inside and warm yourself up something to eat? There are some leftover tacos from yesterday, or you can find something else to eat. Then you can just take a nap, or relax until we get back.” I couldn’t help it, I touched his cheek. “I’d love to cook your favorite dinner when I get back.”
“Enchiladas?” he asked, his eyes wide with childhood innocence.
“Yes, extra spicy.”
His hand went to his stomach. “Okay, b-but only if you’re okay with it.”
“It would make me very happy.”
I didn’t know what trouble my son was running from. My first instinct had been drugs. But my maternal instincts told me it wasn’t that. It was fear that had my son on the run. And if I could keep Paco at the apartment, I’d know he was safe for now.
“A’ight,” he replied.
I smiled as relief swept through my body. If only I could get him to stay for good.
“Come on,” I said, as I walked back up the steps to our home. I unlocked the door and let Paco in. I fought the urge to tell him not to do anything bad, and just smiled.
“Make yourself at home. It is your home. And we’ll be back soon.” Without thinking I leaned over and kissed my son on the head.
He reached his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that. Something was wrong. Paco was good at heart. But the gang had hardened him. I knew he’d found his way into some serious trouble.
“Thank you, Ma,” he said.
I flashed a warm smile, once again fighting the urge to push. “That’s what I’m here for. That’s what I’ll always be here for,” I told him.
I silently thanked God for sending my son home, as I closed the door and headed out to take my other three children to the zoo.
chapter
* * *
27
Only my children could make riding a Metro bus fun. I’d pushed aside worry about Paco, rested in the gratitude that my oldest was home, then joined my children in their joy.
We’d sung as we walked to the bus stop, laughed as we transferred to the second bus that took me to work, and danced as we made our way up to the Markham Hotel.
I really should have moved closer to my job, but Miguel attended Yes Prep Southwest, a charter school where the administration didn’t ask questions and just believed in educating young minds. Since I wasn’t in the business of giving answers, the school was perfect. I didn’t want to risk the public system, and besides, my son was thriving there.
“Come on, children,” I said once we reached the revolving doors that led into the hotel lobby.
“How long before we get to the zoo?” Alejandro whined.
“Sweetie, I told you we’re going to go pick up my paycheck. I’ll go cash it, and then we’ll have lunch before we go to the zoo.”
“Okay,” he said, dejected.
“Just have patience, sweetheart,” I reminded him. “We’re going to have a fantastic day.” I tousled his curly black hair, then made my way inside the hotel where I’d been working for the last six years. It wasn’t the best of jobs, but the pay was decent. I liked the people that I worked with, and the woman who had referred me for the job, Rosa, was one of my closest friends.
“Hey, Wayne,” I said to the front desk clerk, who always greeted me with a smile.
“Good morning, pretty lady,” he said. “I thought you were off today.”
“I am.”
Then he snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah, it’s payday.”
“It must be nice to forget that,” I laughed.
“No, I’m just in the modern age. I have direct deposit. I don’t know why you don’t set it up.”
“One day,” I replied. I didn’t do direct deposits because I didn’t do banks. As long as Herman at the corner store cashed my check, I was perfectly fine.
�
�Is Lois in the back?” I said, asking about our human resources director.
He nodded. “She is.”
“Thanks.”
I turned to my children. “Kids, have a seat over there.” I pointed to the chairs by the entrance. “Mommy will be right back and then we’ll have a fantastic day.”
Alejandro was about to protest, but thankfully Miguel stepped up. “Come on, bubba,” Miguel said, taking his hand. “Let’s play I Spy until Mom comes back.”
“I love you guys,” I said, blowing them kisses.
“We love you, too, Mom,” Maria said, catching my kiss and putting it over her heart—one of our favorite games. “Now, hurry.”
“Of course!” I darted across the lobby and toward the back offices. I had just rounded the corner when I bumped into my supervisor, Sergio.
“Oh, my God, Anna,” he said. “I am so glad to see you.”
“Hello, Sergio. How are you doing today?” I said. My over-the-top French boss was so extra, but I liked him a lot.
“Horrible!” he screamed. “Mary Louise just threw up all over the second floor because she has some kind of virus, and Valencia called out. I need you to work.”
My eyes bucked. Normally, I would’ve never turned down work, but I just couldn’t today.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t. I just came to pick up my check. I have my kids and we’re going to the zoo and spending the rest of the day together.”
He grasped both of my hands. “Anna, I am desperate,” he said. “I have a big conference coming to check in in a couple of hours.”
“No, no, no,” I muttered, shaking my head and suddenly wishing I had direct deposit.
“Please?” he said. Then, before I could respond, he continued, “When you needed to take time off the books to deal with Paco, who was there? Who took care of you with Corporate? Who lets you leave without being docked every time one of your kids is sick?”
The Book in Room 316 Page 12