by Heldt,Dora
“And?”
“No and. It was just strange. I don’t even know where Dani lives now. Marleen didn’t get a chance to ask her, but anyway, I thought about her a lot on the drive home. My old photos and letters from her must be in those boxes, along with her parents’ address. I was looking for them with the idea of giving her a call.”
Gabi breathed out, relieved she had shoved the boxes right to the back of the wardrobe.
Christine played with her glass. “I’d really like to make contact with her again. Never mind, I’m sure the boxes will turn up at some point; after all, it’s not like anyone else would have moved them.”
Gabi made an effort to keep her facial expression neutral. “I’m sure they will. So why did you lose touch?”
“There were a number of reasons. We were in our early twenties when we moved in together. It was a great time in my life; we didn’t know each other before, and only ended up renting the house together by chance. For three whole years it was just so perfect; life felt so easygoing there. We both had complicated relationships behind us, and although we hadn’t sworn off men entirely, we weren’t interested in getting into anything serious. That is, until I met Bernd, and then I threw caution to the wind. It must have been a bitter disappointment for Dani. I neglected her quite a bit back then. Bernd took precedence, and she felt pushed aside.”
“But that’s normal. When someone falls in love, particularly at the beginning, the new partner becomes the most important person in their life.”
Christine looked at her thoughtfully. “Yes, perhaps, but it shouldn’t be at any price. I went about things the wrong way. You can’t just drop a friend—and I mean, we lived together, we were practically family—just become some guy comes into the picture.”
“But it happens in lots of friendships.”
“Yes, Gabi, and that’s exactly what annoys me. Everyone goes on about how wonderful and important female friendship is, but then as soon as someone gets a new partner, the girlfriends become an afterthought. It was all my doing back then, and now I’m divorced and don’t even know where Dani lives. And to top it all, the reason for my divorce was my supposed best friend. It’s crazy. I had lots of friendships that were really important for a while, but at the end of the day I didn’t nurture them. Oh well, perhaps a best friend only has a certain shelf life, at least if it’s an honest one.”
Gabi had been listening with mixed emotions. On the one hand she was bubbling over with excitement at the fact that the plan for the surprise party seemed to be right on the money. Unknown to Christine, the preparations for reconciliations were already underway. But on the other hand, Gabi had suddenly realized that Christine was right.
The ice that best friends stood on was usually quite thin. And it was true that lots of things were brushed under the carpet just to keep things as they were.
At that moment Christine’s phone rang, and she picked it up.
Gabi watched Christine and resolved to tell Ruth that she had met up with Karsten. Perhaps it would mean the end of their friendship. But perhaps their best-before date had already run out years ago. She would have to see.
Kiel
Lena stared at the questionnaire. So far she had only filled in her name and age. In three weeks’ time she would be seeing Christine again for the first time in years. The night before, she had stayed up with Jürgen until one thirty in the morning, talking about old times. About Christine and old times, to be precise. At first it had felt strange, but then all the memories came flooding back, the good and the bad. Jürgen had gotten straight to the point.
“Lena, you have to look at it with a little distance. You were very close friends. You always did a lot for Christine; you helped her renovate her house, you fixed things that were broken, picked her up from places in the middle of the night, and heaven knows what else. But you also told me that she changed you, that she helped you become more laid back and more confident. You benefitted from the friendship, too; otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered with it.”
Lena shook her head. “But it was never an equal balance. Christine and I used to see each other almost every day, or at least spoke on the phone. You remember how chaotic she was; there was always something broken at her place, or she would lose her keys and need me to go there with my spare, or she would get stranded in her car in the middle of the night because she’d forgotten to fill up the car, and then call me. There was always something.”
Jürgen raised his eyebrows. “’But you always went to save her. That gave you a kind of power, too, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Weren’t you actually a bit sad when she started seeing Bernd and he took over the emergency calls? I mean, Dani was quite chaotic herself, so she would never have taken away your ability to be the rescuer. But Bernd did.”
“Well, maybe a little. But Dani and I liked each other. Bernd couldn’t stand me from the word go.” She looked at her husband. “And we couldn’t stand him either, remember?”
Back then, Christine had phoned Lena and excitedly told her about Bernd, whom she had been seeing for two weeks. She wanted Lena and Jürgen to meet him and had suggested they all meet up in a bar. When Lena and Jürgen arrived, Christine was sitting at the table alone. She said that Bernd would be there any moment, he just had to run a quick errand. He arrived over an hour later, visibly drunk. He sat down next to Christine, who beamed at him, and told never-ending stories about people that no one else knew, about bars in Bremen that were far superior to the ones here, about his ex-girlfriend, and about the fact that he had to repair everything in Christine’s house. In Lena’s eyes, that was the last straw. She had spent weeks slogging over the renovations, and was angry and appalled when Christine didn’t stand up for her. She just sat there, smiling away at Bernd, looking like she had lost her senses.
A few days later Lena had dropped by to see Christine and talk about Bernd. But Christine reacted defensively. She accused Lena of judging him too quickly and told her to keep her nose out of her private life.
“I was furious at the time. One minute she lets me do everything for her and the next she just kicks me out of her life.”
Jürgen tried to calm her down. “Look, you said yourself that she let you do everything for her. Take that literally: you wanted to as well. Christine always did what you said back then. You had a very close relationship with her and played such a big role in her life. And then, all of a sudden, Bernd was more important. That annoyed you, which I can understand. She was completely wrapped up in him back then. But remember, the big argument didn’t come until four years later.”
Lena hadn’t forgotten. Initially, she had been very upset that her friendship with Christine had lost importance, but over time they had started to become closer again. By then, Christine was living with Bernd; he had moved into the old house after Dani moved out. Half a year later Christine had seemed to notice there was a life outside her relationship with Bernd, and she started coming to handball training again. Lena and she trained the girls’ team together again, and used to go for a beer afterwards. They talked about everything under the sun; everything, that is, except Bernd. Six months later he and Christine got married. Lena and Jürgen came to the wedding, and Lena had photographed the wondrous occasion. Later that night the two women had embraced each other and promised—slurring a little—never to lose touch. Six months later Lena and Jürgen had moved to Kiel.
In the time after that, they still talked on the phone, but their conversations became increasingly superficial and infrequent. One day, Christine turned up on Lena’s doorstep out of the blue. She didn’t look good, and it seemed as though she wanted to tell Lena something but was waiting to be questioned. But Lena didn’t want to make the first move; she had gotten used to Christine not being in her life and didn’t feel like being an agony aunt. When Christine left, she had looked at Lena sadly and told her she missed her, but Lena had turned around quickly, determined not to give in to her emotions.
For a long time she hadn’t heard a word
. Then a former handball friend told her that Christine and Bernd had bought a house, and shortly after that the invitation to their house-warming party had arrived. Lena was surprised that Christine had moved out of the old house she loved so much; it didn’t make any sense. By then, Kathleen was two years old, so they left her with Lena’s mother and drove over to Christine and Bernd’s place. Greeting them was a little awkward, and there were over twenty guests there, among whom Lena knew very few people. The house was modern, chic, and didn’t seem to suit Christine’s taste at all.
Christine herself seemed highly strung and was drinking too much and too quickly. Bernd did the tour of the house, being sure to name the price and discount he had negotiated for every single piece of furniture.
The way Christine looked at him now was completely different to how she had that night in the bar. Jürgen shook his head and whispered to Lena that something didn’t seem right, so she waited for an opportunity to speak with Christine alone. It was difficult: the hostess was running to and fro between her guests in an agitated fashion, followed everywhere by her friend Antje, who had recently divorced and was renting a property near to Christine and Bernd.
Finally, Lena found Christine sitting alone in the kitchen, smoking a cigarette. She sat down next to her and asked how she was. Christine, who was by now quite drunk, looked up at Lena and took a deep breath. Coldly, she asked why she was even interested; it wasn’t like she cared a jot about her. Lena should stay where she was, in Kiel, with her husband, child, and house, and not get all sentimental about lost friendships. She also pointed out that Lena had never liked Bernd, so now she must be quite happy. And that Lena had gotten out of it all and left her alone to deal with all the shit. Then Christine burst into tears, upon which Antje had shot into the kitchen like a commando. She grabbed Lena by the arm and told her to leave Christine in peace, saying it would be better if she left right away.
It was the first time in her life that Lena had been thrown out of anywhere, and she didn’t hesitate in leaving.
Lena looked at Jürgen. “Just thinking about it makes me feel ill, even now. And especially because we had no idea just how much of a bitch Antje was!”
Jürgen nodded. “And what did Marleen say yesterday on the phone? The affair between Antje and Bernd had already started back then.”
“Yes. But Christine had no idea. Which means she probably had an idea that Bernd was having an affair, but would never have thought it was Antje. She came by here that time, and I think she wanted to talk to me about it. But I didn’t ask what was wrong and so she didn’t say anything. My mistake.”
Jürgen stretched, looking at the clock. “Heavens, it’s one thirty; we should go to bed. Do you want my advice? Let all the misunderstandings be water under the bridge and think about the time before Bernd came along. Perhaps you two can get back to that. And be honest, you sometimes miss having a close girlfriend in your life, don’t you?”
Questionnaire
Name, age, and place of residence?
Lena, 48, Kiel
When and where did you meet Christine?
In 1983 in a gymnasium. She had just moved to Cuxhaven at the time, was looking for a handball team to join, and was standing there with her gym bag in hand. She said: “Hi, I’m the new girl, and I’d like to play with you.” I always thought she was very gutsy.
What was your best experience together?
There are so many. She once threw her keys away in a water-filled ditch with some dead old flowers and ended up standing there up to the waist in duckweed looking for them with a pair of diving goggles. I laughed so much that I nearly fell in, too. Or the day when we both got into a fit of giggles at an AGM and got thrown out of the hall. That happened a lot, the fits of giggles I mean.
What made your friendship stand out? And what sets Christine apart as a friend?
We had time for one another. And we helped each other, without hesitation. Christine gave me more confidence in myself; I felt needed. She helped me to become more daring, and more easygoing.
What’s your motto in life?
Don’t panic
A friend is…?
Someone you look out for, and look forward to seeing
What was your first reaction to this invitation?
My initial reaction was mixed. The last memories of Christine and me were sad ones, but after a lot of thought the good feelings outweighed the bad. I’m now determined to tackle our problems and give our friendship another chance.
Hamburg
Christine stood up, pulled her jacket on, and looked at Gabi. “I’m just going shopping. I’ll be back in half an hour.”
Gabi nodded. “Fine, see you soon. I’ll go on my lunch once you’re back.”
Christine left the publishing house and crossed the square in front of the supermarket with a spring in her step. Richard was going to be there around seven that evening. She had pored over cookbooks the evening before and decided to make saltimbocca; it was quick, it looked good, and Richard liked it. She was excited. Silly really, that she still felt her heart pounding after years. But it was nice.
Her cell vibrated in her jacket pocket. Christine stopped, looked at the display and smiled. He must be looking forward to it, too.
“Hi, Richard, I’m just on my way to the store.”
His voice sounded strained. “Oh, Christine, I’m really sorry, but I’m not going to be able to make it this evening unfortunately. Please don’t be mad.”
Christine’s heart sank. “Why?”
“Sabine has a seminar in Bremen. She’s staying with the others in a hotel but wants to have dinner with me. She said she has something to discuss with me, so I can’t get out of it. We’ll make up for it soon, I promise.”
Christine had slowly kept on walking. To the left of the supermarket was an ice cream parlor; she veered toward it on autopilot. Slowly, she counted to ten: she knew she would be too harsh if she spoke sooner.”
“Christine, are you still there?”
“Then I hope you have a wonderful evening with your wife. Bye.”
Without waiting for his answer, she ended the call and bit her bottom lip. Don’t cry, she told herself, go and have a coffee and then go back to the office.
She ordered a latté and lit a cigarette. Her hand was shaking. It wasn’t a catastrophe, and it wasn’t like it was the first time. They were having an affair, no more and no less. When it worked, it was good, but if it didn’t, it shouldn’t be the end of the world. At least he had caught her before going shopping; last time she had ended up throwing two expensive sea bream fillets in the trash. Idiot!
Christine didn’t know whom she meant, Richard or herself. Ten minutes ago she had been having a really good day. And now she was letting one single sentence change that. And one man.
She thought about the conversation she had had with Gabi. About Dani and the time when they were living together. If she was still there, she would have driven home tonight, sat down with Dani at the kitchen table, cried a little, and told her about Richard’s call. Dani would have been looking out of the kitchen window down to the dike as she told her. As soon as Christine was finished, she would have wrapped a strand of hair around her finger, looked at her, and said: “What an asshole. Honey, you don’t need him. Take your mind off it; don’t sit around here feeling sorry for yourself. I mean, this is our time. Who are you? The times when we ran around after guys who didn’t deserve us are over. Come on, do something, make a date, go out.”
Christine stubbed out her cigarette, took her cell from her bag, and looked for Sven’s number. As she waited for the ring, she pictured Dani nodding contentedly.
“November”
My editor asked me to write a column about November. It’s almost upon us and is supposed to be the worst month of the year.
It’s said that in November, everyone is downbeat, it’s always raining and constantly foggy, the number of suicides and divorces go through the roof, and there’s no daylight and no fun
. Now, as a columnist I could give my readers support and comfort, because after reading they’ll know that it’s the same for me, but that to top it all off I have to write a column about it, too. In spite of the misery, because you just have to get through it. Be a brave girl who can be an example to others. And has to be.
I’ve been trying to figure out what the worst thing about November is. First of all, I thought of the weather. The worst thing, as far as I’m concerned, is the snow. It starts in November up here in North Germany, but not that’s not really enough to put me in a bad mood. I hate the cold, but that’s normally worse in December, January, and February. I love thunderstorms; they remind me of summer holidays spent with my grandma on Sylt, and it rains at pretty much any time of the year.
So, weather wise, as far as I’m concerned, there are far worse months than November.
Then there’s the topic of suicide and divorce. My friend Karola had an answer for this; she thinks mass suicide only happens in Finland; she read a novel about it. Having given it more thought, it occurred to her that the Finns have a tendency toward it all year round, so November doesn’t really play a significant role, at least not statistically speaking. In any case, she didn’t think it was the worst month for it.
She has had two big breakups in her life. One was in February, directly after Carnival, when her boyfriend at the time ran off with “Cleopatra,” and one in August, after an awful holiday on Amrum, one of the islands off the North Sea coast, where, incidentally, it rained and thundered the whole time.