Insufferable Weight of Silence

by Huggins, Carrie

  "Ok," I mutter wounded. "Fine, it was just a kiss."

  He helps me in behind the driver seat, shows me all the buttons I need to adjust the seat, and steering wheel as he had for my dad. "Dex, I still can't really reach the pedals." I frown over at him. He leans across me and touches another button on the dash.

  "Tell me when to stop." He commands. The pedals move forward and when I'm comfortable I say, "That's good." He let's go before I finish. I watch him walk around the front of the truck and jump in the passenger seat with more ease than I had been able to do.

  I turn the key forward and wait for the glowing coils to disappear like he told me to do, then push back on the key the rest if the way until the truck roars to life and settles at a low rumble. The sound of the massive engine vibrates throughout my body; it's makes me feel powerful.

  "Geez! Think you got a big enough or loud enough truck?" I look at him amazed. He chuckles.

  "It's just a truck, baby girl." My expression changes from amazement to surprise and finally disappointment because he calls me this. He's never called me anything but Sis before and it makes my stomach drop. Though ‘Sis’ isn't fitting anymore either but ‘baby girl’ should not fill its place. It somehow hurts sending a pang of longing right through my heart. It's a term of endearment for lovers, not friends. If he doesn't want us to be anything, I don't want him to play with my emotions.

  "Please, don't."

  "Amity, you need to understand...."

  "Declan," I groan and pinch the bridge of my nose while I look anywhere but at him. "It. Was. Just. A. Kiss. Ok?......Really!......I understand how you feel about it and now me. You need to understand I'm not like every other girl you've fooled around with." I say wounded and frustrated. “I'm not just some skimpy girl that's passing through.”

  "Don't you think I know that, Amity? There's too much here." He shouts and gestures between us. "You're just some kid I've known all my life!”

  “What the hell is that suppose me mean?” I shout angrily and loudly smack my hand on the dash, finally turning to really look at him. He's wounded my ego yet again, I know what we have but his words still pierce my heart, especially him calling me ‘just some kid’.

  "I'm sorry, ok! I am so sorry we did that since you obviously didn't want to. Now can we please just drop it. Jesus! It was obviously a mistake. Thanks, though! I really appreciate you taking that from me and screwing it all up." I shout unable to control the pain I'm feeling in my chest. It makes me wonder if we would have done that or even be having this conversation if I wasn't dating Kase. We both know how much history we have, I don't need him telling me that.

  "I can't do this." Is all he manages to muster.

  "I KNOW!" I scream filling the cab with my anger and resentment, covering the grumble of the engine. "You've already said that about a hundred times and yet you still did it. How did you think it was going to make me feel? That was my first kiss and you ruined it with whatever this is!” I add gesturing towards him.

  We sit in the driveway for several minutes unspeaking. I'm beginning to wish I had just stayed at home while he showered or maybe it's a good idea if I don't go at all. I pick my purse up from the floorboard and open the door.

  "What are you doing?"

  "I think it's best if I just go home."

  "Like hell it is! I don't get to see you very often; you're not going anywhere." He reaches across me, shuts the door, and grabs my purse putting it back down where it was. "Now let's go." He growls. I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I don't want to be here but deep down I also don't want to leave him for fear we wouldn't speak again.

  I ease off the break giving in to him and begin to back out of his driveway too carefully and probably a little too slow. There's no one in the road and I don't see anyone coming so I pull out into the street.

  "STOP!" He shouts. Slamming on the breaks I look around then to him panicked. "Just kidding, could you hurry it up though. I'd like to get there before the store closes and our little quarrel kind of held us up." He chuckles.

  "Good god, Declan! You scared the crap out of me." I smack his arm. "Don't do that. It's not funny!"

  "Yea, it kind of was. You should have seen your face." He says still laughing and obviously over our argument. He mimics what I'm assuming is the face he believes I made when I slammed on the breaks by contorting his in mock horror. I roll my eyes at him and back out of the driveway the rest of the way heading into town.

  "You picked a college yet?" He asks casually a few minutes later.

  "Yea, I'm really excited about it too." I reply.

  "Which one?" He asks.

  "Georgia Tech." I quickly smile over at him before turning back to the road. He doesn't say anything but from the corner of my eye I see his face fall. Seriously! What's with all the mixed signals?

  "That's a good one." He finally replies monotone.

  "Yea, I think so too.”

  Chapter 3

  "Mommy, where are we?" Delia asks waking me. Groggily I rub my sore, puffy eyes and reach for my phone only to come up empty handed. As a matter of fact, I don't see any of my belonging. It takes me a moment to realize yesterday and last night wasn't a dream and I'm actually home. I look around Declan's room, the one that was once my parents, it's the same but not in a lot of ways.

  The walls were no longer tan with a brown accent wall but rather a soft gray and the trim white. He kept the dark hardwood floors but polished the wear and tear out of them. Their high end four poster bed and furniture set no longer occupies the space but rather a set that appears to have been made of reclaimed wood perfectly stained to match the floor. It gives the room a more masculine feel than when my mom was in charge of decorating. I don't know if I half expected his reformed bachelor pad to have naked women posters, as he had back in high school, because I'm surprised at the maturity of the room. Subtle pops of yellow in the Moroccan rug, a high back chair in the corner, and a few family picture frames on the wall bring it all together.

  His alarm reads 10:30am. Delia looks around curiously as well. I'm sure she's wondering what she can get into.

  "We're at a friend’s house, honey. Y'all want breakfast?" I ask still half asleep. I'd rather not move because I feel worse than I did last night but duty calls. There's no rest for the wicked when you have demanding little munchkins. I already feel awful enough that they're use to eating breakfast at 8am.

  "No, ma'am." Delaney answers.

  Delia chimes happily, "You fwiend gave us waffles". That's my sweet baby Delia with her delayed speech. I'm positive it had a lot to do with our previous situation. She's actually improved quite a bit in the last couple months with my help.

  I force myself to sit up on the edge of his bed feeling each muscle and bone protest involuntarily gripping my left side when a sharp pain takes my breath away. Using extreme caution, I stand and slowly stretch my sore muscles, just to realize that was a bad idea as well. I look down over my body, I'm in an oversized Bryan Fire Department shirt and nothing else with no recollection of changing. Instantly I become self conscious knowing he was the one who undressed and dressed me.

  "Where is he?" I ask them while I scan the room for my clothes. I don't see any of my things, I settle on rifling through his drawers for something he might have hoping he wouldn't care. I find a pair of drawstring flannel pajama pants and carefully ease into them as my ribs are screaming in protest with every minuscule movement. They're so big due to our size difference I'm probably better off without them but I feel the need to cover my body.

  "He's outside in you twuck with Miss Hadwey." Delia whispers.

  "Look what he gave us!" Delaney shows me excitedly. They both hold up some butcher paper and crayons excitedly.

  "Isn't that lovely! How generous of him. Why don't y'all go down stairs to the living room and color him a nice thank you picture for letting us stay here." I smile at them softly. If it didn't hurt so much I would have put more effort into my mothering duties t
his morning but since he's seemed to have covered the basics I can ease up a bit. My kids have never seen me this bad before and it breaks my heart that they have to each time.

  Both pleased by my kind gesture skip out of the room. The pitter-patter of their feet make its way down the stairs followed by a thud when, no doubt, Delia tripped on the landing, then shouts, "I'm ok," and continues on with her sister. I smile and shake my head, she's my clumsy sweetheart.

  I cautiously walk across the floor to his master bathroom to clean myself up then stand in front of the mirror for far to long looking at the aftermath of Brody's anger. Having been raised by a military father I can't help but think I should have never let this happen to me.

  A quiet tap at the door breaks me of my reverie. Before I could answer it he pushes it open and stands before me almost protectively and quite frankly his stance is rather scary and dominating.

  "Your clothes are in the wash and there's nothing wrong with your truck so you have some explaining to do." He informs me from the doorway. His posture softens and he leans against the frame almost as if the house depended on it with one arm stretched above him resting on the trim. "Actually, I think you have a lot of explaining to do." He repeats and adds. "Hadley is going to take your girls for a while so we can talk and you can get some rest."

  I look him up and down hardly registering his words until they hit me like a freight train and panic engulfs me like wildfire. I look around the room for another way out but he's blocking the only exit. "No, please! I don't want them out of my sight. You can't.... You have to go stop her, now!" I utter frantically. He stands up off the door and calmly walks my way, the room suddenly becoming smaller than it previously was. I can feel tears starting to bubble up in my chest and my lungs constrict.

  "They'll be just fine and seeing as how..... I just don't think they need to be around for our up-coming conversation." He tells me catching me off guard. I look down at my feet unable to look at his face, knowing the truth will come out sooner rather than later. The nervous anxiety causes me to wring my hands and fidget from one foot to another.

  "Declan, I'm so sorry." I whimper as a sob hitches in my throat. He reaches for my chin and lifts my head so my eyes meet his. After a couple seconds they roam across my face making me feel criticized and small inside and out.

  "Why are you apologizing to me?" He asks knowingly. He isn't going to be the first to break rather he wants me to volunteer the information so he doesn't guess wrong. He huffs out a breath and shakes his head disappointed when I don't answer. I pull away from his touch, he reaches for me again all too softly, that's when the tears pour down my cheeks. He brushes his thumb across my bottom lip, I turn ever so slightly into his palm, and he smiles kindly meeting my eyes.

  "We can talk later so you can gather your thoughts." He whispers as his thumb brushes back over my bruised and swollen lip. This time I pull away and wince only because my mouth is sore. He shakes his head disapprovingly, leaving me hallow inside. If he only knew, he wouldn't be so kind. My thoughts don't stop him from running the back of his knuckles down my cheek.

  I look him over, his hair is darker now than I remembered. His olive skin is weathered and tanned from many days in the sun. He's taller, if that's even possible, and broader in the shoulders. His Greek features are more pronounced and his eyes are still the mesmerizingly honey hue they had always been. He appears more mature than I remember as well, his boyish features replaced with adulthood and laugh lines. When I had left before he was still so young at nearly twenty-one. He's beautiful and our girls certainly favor his Greek origins as opposed to my Irish side.

  "Declan!" I hear his sister's voice sing out from the bedroom.

  I'm panic stricken all over again, he's still blocking the only exit. I'm going to have to do something to keep her from taking them out of the house and away from me. If anything she can keep them occupied upstairs for a while. They don't have to leave.

  "In here, Hadley." He says over his shoulder as he brings his arm back down to his side. I wish he wouldn't have; it was the first time in a long time I had actually felt the tender touch of a man instead of a hard hate filled fist.

  "Now who do those gorgeous girls belong to? Have you been hiding a girlfriend from me?" She sings. Hadley has always been a happy go lucky girl. She's a little younger than me but I've always admired the positive perspective she finds in every situation. Hopefully she can find some positive in my god-awful life and listen when I beg her not to take my girls.

  "They're mine, Hadley." I muster weakly because there's no way I can get out of her seeing me now. I frown looking down at my appearance once again in nothing but and over sized shirt her brother put on me. As much as I'd like to see her I don't want her to see me like this.

  ".... And why the hell do they...." She stops mid sentence when she realizes it's me. "AMITY!" She shrieks ecstatically. She rushes Declan into the bathroom toward my voice. I flinch and close my eyes bracing myself when I see her running towards me. Crap! Crap! Crap! When the impact doesn't come I crack open my eyes, he's holding her by her waist. He knew what was going to happen before I did and spared me the pain.

  "Chill out Hadley, you can't do that to her." He says with firm a grip. She looks up at him and then to me and shouts in horror covering her mouth with her hands.

  "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"

  "Not now! Take the girls out for a while but don't go to mom's. I don't want anyone knowing Amity is in town yet. Say they’re Giana's nieces or something. Take them to the park and for ice cream or whatever. Don't bring them back for a few hours." He demands still holding onto her.

  "Ok but are they...." She tries to ask me and then looks from me to Declan and back.

  "Are they...?" She tries again but he cuts her off turning her towards the door and walks her from the room before I can protest her taking my girls. If he followed us and hurt them, there would be no way to undo the damage he'd do.

  "Not now! They're Amity's." He barks. "Just do what I ask. I need to talk to her first then you can pester her later." Hadley walks out of the bedroom grumbling only god knows what.

  I coward back a few steps at the sound of his deep demanding voice and shrink into myself, having flashbacks of Brody’s rages. He returns and his face hardens even more. I'm not sure if it's because he's furious at my reaction towards him or what he's deduced from my current state and his blabbering sister. I slump down next to the sink sitting on the edge of the tub and lean on the counter for support while I shake like a leaf.

  As if Ellie's sixth sense kicks in she runs into the room and lays at my feet. I absently bury my hand in her fur and scratch her behind the ears. Everything is slowly starting to crumble down around me. I'm almost certain I'd rather take another beating from Brody than admit I've let myself become this person.

  Declan reenters the bathroom getting a good look at me and pulls me up into his arms wrapping me in a hug. He doesn't let me go for quite awhile, "Jesus, Amity." A rush of air escapes his lips and I can't help but breakdown further and cry into his chest. "My god, what has happened to you?" He mutters more to himself than me.

  When I've settled down he leads me from the bathroom, down the stairs, through the living room, and into the kitchen with Ellie close on my heels. I sit at the table where in front of me he places a huge delicious smelling plate of bacon, eggs, and hash browns. I haven't had anything since before I left Georgia and I’m starving.

  "Eat." He says softly. "You're too thin and could use it, honestly. What do you weigh, about ninety pounds now? Were you always this little?" I purse my lips; he isn't far from being accurate.

  "You're not exactly what I remembered either."

  "Except I became healthier and you quite the opposite. Now eat! We'll talk when you're full and not about our weights." I don't even hesitate before I pick up my fork.

  "You want some coffee?" He asks. I nod instead of answer because my mouth is full. He makes his way to the counter, grabs some food for my dog setti
ng it on the floor, and gets me a cup of coffee.

  I watch the way he moves, so sure of himself, very confident and languid. He's certainly a man that doesn't need to push a woman around to get what he wants. When he returns I train my eyes back on my plate. He sets my cup down along with sugar and creamer. I mutter a weak “thanks” and take the coffee as is. It's a black coffee kind of morning.

  I finish my food and stand to try to clear my plate but he takes it from me and puts it in the sink before returning to the table. He pulls out the chair next to me, spins it around, and sits down straddling it resting his chin on his muscular forearms. Whatever he wants he means business but his body is distracting making it hard to take my eyes of his flexing arms.

  I point to my face, getting it over with like ripping a Band-Aid off, quick and painless all in one go. "My boyfriend...... ex-boyfriend." I whisper ashamed. He clenches his fist and outrage washes over his face quickly before dissipating. "He got mad at me because Delia made a mess." I utter trying not to cry again due to picturing how scared my babies were when it all happened. I'm not mad about the fact that I was hit, I'm upset because Brody almost went after my baby. "I have always managed to put myself in front of his fists when he got angry so he doesn't hurt the girls." I say as I clear my throat.

  "He's done this before? How often? What's his name? You sure he hasn't hit your daughters?" He asks through clenched teeth. He's more furious than I've ever seen him before and I'm almost too scared to answer him for fear of what he will do. Ellie senses it and comes to sit by my side.

  "He's never hit them, that I know of, I've always kept them with me or a neighbor when I wasn't home. So as far as I know he hasn't even been alone with them. It's always only me and twice before yesterday. It just started about a month or so ago." I say with the last half being a lie.

  "What's his name?" He asks sternly.