"I hope you're right. I got a lot of money riding on him." He smiles. He reaches over and rubs my side with his large hand. I yawn feeling tired, my eyelids becoming heavy. "Gambling is a bad habit," I tease him.
"I know; I have a lot of bad habits." He replies. I begin to feel tired again the medicine is starting to really work its magic. I think Dex may have also slipped in a sleeping pill or two.
"I can forgive most bad habits." I yawn again.
"I hope so." He whispers brushing his knuckles down my cheek and starting a new video.
"I have.... ‘em...too." I slur.
*****
Delaney comes into the living room. I'm sitting on the floor next to Delia fixing her hair while Brody is in the other room on the phone. He's probably talking to one of his many girlfriends. I don't know why I don't just pack up and leave him. I've missed home for years now. I don't really care what anyone there thinks anymore about me coming home with twin girls. Anything is better than staying here with him. I'm already done with school. There's nothing holding me back.
Except I'm scared to leave. He's threatened me to many times to count. Delaney trips over her feet and hurriedly stands up. I can see the scared look in her eyes when I realize she's spilled something.
"Go hide," I whisper. I already know what's coming and so do they. They've witnessed it too many times to count. I quickly grab a towel from the dryer and go into their room. Like good little girls they are in their closet under piles of blankets.
"Mommy loves you sweet princesses. Listen to your music and I'll find you in a little while." I whisper.
"What the fuck you little bitch." I hear him yell as I'm walking from the room. He's standing over the water soaked towel.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I spilled my water. I was just about to clean it up." He grabs me by the back of the neck red faced and throws me on the ground. I let out a whimper when my cheek comes in contact with the coffee table.
"I'm cleaning it up, Brody. Please, I'm sorry." I beg.
"You're damn right you're going to fucking clean it up." he shouts. "You're fucking worthless."
I quickly crawl towards the spot on the floor but I wasn't quick enough. I'm never quick enough for him. He kicks me in the side with all he has. I let out a scream of pain and I'm almost certain he's broken my ribs this time.
"Please stop! I'm sorry it won't happen again." Tears are welling in my eyes. I try my best to keep them in knowing it will just make him angrier.
"No wonder I found you alone and pathetic, how could anyone love an incompetent whore." There's warm liquid slowly running down my face, I don't know if it's my blood or my tears. I pray it's my blood so he doesn't know I'm crying. My cheek is on fire and when I move I wince. I scrub the floor as best as I can. When I stand up my face comes in contact with his open hand.
"Did I say get up? You do this to yourself, you never listen." He shouts angrily.
"No, I'm sorry." I whimper. He pulls back ready to hit me again. I can feel his strong hand griping my arm tightly. "Stop!" I scream. "Stop please! I won't make you angry again I swear." I sob unable to help myself this time. I close my eyes as tight as they'll go. Just in time for his fist to come into contact with my sides over and over again while he continues to tell me how pathetic I am.
It's late and my body is aching. I put the kids to bed praying they get plenty of sleep. Brody has been on a rampage since one of the girls spilled their water earlier and he hasn't let me forget it all day. I crawl into bed exhausted hoping he just let's me sleep. Except, when he stumbles in the room drunk and falls into bed I know he has other intentions.
"Not tonight Brody, I really don't..." He reaches across the bed and back hands me. So I give in and just lay there felling the blood spill at the corner of my mouth. If he's going to do anything I pray it's quick or he falls asleep before he gets worked up.
When I think he's snoring I finally exhale feeling relieved. To my surprise he forcefully climbs on top of me. The first thing he does is wrap one hand around my throat and the other between my legs. I try to fight him for air but instead he just laughs at my attempts. I scream out in pain as he shoves himself inside me.
"Get off of me!" I shout. "I fucking hate you. Get off!" He grips my throat tighter and my hand with the other. "I can't.....breath." I stutter clawing at his hands.
"Shh! You know you like it. All whores like being treated this way." I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath while he squeezes my throat. I've learned if I do this it helps me pass out quicker so I don't have to endure it for very long.
"Amity!" He yells.
"Amity, baby breathe! GOD DAMMIT, OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE A BREATH!" I hear panic in his booming voice. Panic?
*****
My eyes fly open to see Declan inches from my face. I jerk back surprised and flinch away from him still confused. "Hey sweetheart, it was just a bad dream. You're with me. It's ok." He reaches for me but I pull away from him. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I've never had a dream like that before. It was all to real. I had actually just enacted a dream and Dex saw what happened.
"It's ok. I won't touch you if you don't want me to." I burst into tears and curl up in a ball around Ellie as she whimpers. This is what he said to Delia when she was panicking like I am now.
"I hate him. He ruined my life and I don't understand why I let him do that to me." I cry. "I feel so disgusting, so alone. What's wrong with me? I'm scared to let you touch me even though I know you wouldn't do it. I'm so sorry." He carefully places his hand on my stomach and cuddles behind me. I hear him inhale deeply and slowly let it out.
"He's not going to hurt you ever again." He whispers silently seething. He kisses me on the back of my neck and for the next 30 or so minutes holds me while I cry until I can't anymore. "I'm suppose to be your safe place but I can't protect you from bad memories and nightmares. All I can do is make sure from here on out I replace them with new better ones." He whispers while he rubs my side
Chapter 10
It's been almost a week since my surgery. I've healed quickly. Which surprised even me. I guess when you aren't being beaten on a regular basis your body is allowed the allotted healing time. Nearly all my bruises and swelling have disappeared and my cuts are gone.
I bathed the girls and put them in their floral overall rompers, black flats, and yellow cardigans then pull their hair back in pigtails with yellow bows. Oh lord, if it wasn't for them still wearing their name necklaces I wouldn't even be able to tell them apart.
"Alright girls, go ask daddy how y'all look." I smile and kiss them each on the cheek before they bound out of the room giggling. I can hear them calling out to him as they rush down the stairs and pray Delia doesn't trip. I change into some skinny jeans and TAMU hoodie, pull my hair back and slid on my Uggs then apply a little bit of makeup. I'm not really one for dressing up anymore but making my girls look adorable, I can do.
Nervously I walk inside the Xylander house, it hasn't changed one bit. I feel like I stepped back in time into the 80's, it kind of smells like it to. Martha's crystal figurines and potpourri aren't fooling anyone. I wonder if she would like some of moms quilts? Declan's got about a million in the hall closet, I'm sure he can spare some. Hadley and Giana come following in close behind me. They met me outside and walked in with me because Declan wanted to hang back with the girls and I was too nervous to do it alone.
"Mama?" I call out nervously.
Martha pokes her head around the corner in the kitchen and throws her hands over her mouth when we lock eyes. She hastily comes towards me with her arms open wide and tears building in her eyes.
"Amity. My lands! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes. When did you get back in town?" Her plump little body and massive boobs nearly knock the breath out of me when she wraps me in a hug. Mac a bit gentler pulls me away and into his side.
"About a week ago or so."
"How have you been kiddo?" He asks while Martha wipes her face clean on her apron.
"I
'm doing good Mac." I reply still nervous, that was the easy part. "Where's Declan? Have you seen him yet?" Martha grins.
"Yes, ma'am. I've been staying with him in the cabin. We're trying to work some things out." I answer truthfully. And boy are you about to find out what.
"Oh, honey!" She exclaims clapping her hands together. "I'm so happy to hear that."
The door creaks open behind me and in walks Dex holding each of the girls hands. He looks down at the girls and then up at his parents. "Mom, dad say hello to...." He tries to say but is cut off by Martha's shrill screams of recognition.
"Oh my goodness!" Martha bellows and cups her cheeks in her hands.
"Well look at that! They're beautiful, Amity!" Mac stares on amazed. "Declan didn't tell me you had kids."
"Be quiet, Mac! Look at them! Really look at them!" Martha says and slaps his arm. She had noticed the resemblance's right away, as I knew she would.
"What are you going on about woman?" Mac says oblivious. Well, now I know where Dex gets it from.
"Go on girls." Dex urges releasing their hands and giving them a gentle push forward. They both look at him confused and scared.
"Daddy, I don't want to." Delaney utters nervously and grips his shirt tails. Delia shakes her head and hugs tightly to his leg.
"Daddy!" Mac repeats and turns to me surprised.
"Say hello to your granddaughters, Mac." My heart is pounding in my chest waiting for him to say something, anything. He doesn't take his eyes off me, I don't know what he's thinking and it's starting to scare me.
"My grandkids? I have real grand kids?" He repeats. Ok apparently he's turned into a parrot.
I nod, "yes sir. They're Declan's biological daughters. Delaney Elaine." I point to her. "And Delia Everly." I add. "They're our twins."
Martha slowly makes her way over to the girls and gets down on her knees so she doesn't scare them.
"I'm your grandma," she cries happy tears. Delaney reaches over to her and gives her a quick hug before grabbing Dex's hand again.
"Are you sad?" Delaney asks seeing her tears.
"Oh, no baby. I couldn't be happier." Dex tries to peel Delia off his leg but she wasn't budging with her little death grip. "It's fine, let her be." Martha says calmly to him.
"The resemblance is uncanny, Amity. They look almost identical to him and Hadley when they were this age." She says and turns to me. "Is this why you left?" She asks.
I shake my head. "No, I didn't know I was pregnant when I left. I left for school." I tell her and turn to Delia. "Delia, that's enough, honey. Your dad needs to come in and shut the door." I say firmly. Nervously she releases her father's leg but grabs his hand.
"So how long are you here for?" Martha asks worried.
"We're actually back for good, this is where they belong." I say with a half smile. She becomes so excited I think she's going to burst out of her skin.
"That's fantastic news!" Mac beams down at the girls. Like Dex he's a tall burly man. It's no surprise the girls are weary of him as they were when they first met their dad. They warmed up to him so I'm praying they do the same with Martha and Mac.
"Dinner will be ready in an hour." Martha chimes. "Are you girls hungry?" She asks them. They both nod.
"Girls, remember your manners." I say to them, they both look at me and then back to Martha.
"Yes ma'am." They say.
"Hey, babe, I'm going to take them out back and show them our old swing set and tree house. Maybe that will relax them." Dex tells me. Everyone looks at him surprised by his term of endearment.
"Sounds good." I reply with a smile. "Would you like some help Martha?" I ask as I watch Mac and Declan take the girls outside. I'm sure Mac has some questions for him, that and he may look like a huge grizzly bear but he's more like a Carebear than anything.
"Oh no, dear. It's just got to bake. Would you like some wine to take the edge off?" She asks. She's still a wine-o, I see.
"That sounds perfect." I reply. Giana, Hadley and I follow Martha into the kitchen and all take a seat at the bar while she pours each of us a nice sized glass.
"I'm so glad to have some grandkids running around here. Neither Giana or Hadley will give me any and well.... I certainly didn't think Dex was going to have any any time soon." She frowns at them sitting next to me.
"Mom, how do you expect us to give you a child? We both have vaginas." Hadley recently informed me she has a girlfriend, Giana. Certainly explains a lot of things from our younger days.
"So if your mama didn't tell me you were expecting it's because...?" Martha asks. I swallow hard and try to keep the tears at bay.
"I didn't find out until right after their car accident." I manage to choke out. "No one here in Texas knew about them, Declan just found out when I came back." I reply. She grabs my hand.
"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I know they both would have been thrilled to find out." She frowns. "Well, of course after the initial shock of it. You two were pretty young." I breath deeply trying to gather myself and look out the window, the girls have both already warmed up to Mac. He's holding one of them and tickling the one in Dex's arms. The way their faces light up puts a smile in my heart.
"Wow! That was fast." I murmur.
Martha, Hadley, and Giana turn to the window to see what I'm referring to. Mac is holding both girls now and they're examining his long peppered beard. I guess they're intrigued by large men. Martha smiles at the sight and I catch Dex looking back at us with a huge goofy grin.
"Ain't that the most precious thing you ever saw." Martha gushes.
"Y'all want to take these glasses out on the back porch and play with the girls?" Hadley asks.
"Yes!" Giana and I exclaim.
"You ladies go on ahead; I'll be out in a second." Martha urges. Giana and Hadley head out to the backyard and I stay behind because I hear a sniffle out of Martha.
"Spill the beans, mom." I demand. I don't think she knew I stayed behind because she had turned around to check on the dinner.
"Oh it's nothing." She replies.
"You don't fool me. Go on and tell me." I say more kindly.
"I miss your parents and it makes me sad they don't get to know those little angels." I walk around to where she is and give her a comforting hug.
"It does me too. They have y'all and Declan seems like he wants to be in their lives. I'm back for good no matter what, I promise. They need family, I alone wasn't cutting it." I soothe her some more.
"Everyone missed you, Hun. Your parents, yes, but Declan the most. It really hit him hard when your parents died. I think he knew you had nothing to come back to but hope he would be enough. I don't think he knows we knew but he was head over heels for you kiddo. His father and I learned of what he had been doing and really tore into him. I figured his odd erratic behavior had something to do with you. I confronted him about it and boy did he get angry. His dad kicked him out, he still hasn't come home but he's grown now. He's doing so good but he was never quit as happy as he was with you around and now the last couple weeks." She confesses. "He seem to be happy again, I bet I can guess as to why."
"What are you talking about, mom? What was he doing? Why did Mac kick him out?" I ask not understanding. No one ever mentioned he got into any trouble. Ok, I didn't talk to anyone here while I was gone but since I've been back no one has mentioned anything. Dex certainly hasn't.
"Oh lord, you name it he did it. He rebelled and it just spiraled downhill from there. That was around the time we found out about the underground fighting and gambling. The fight he took you too at the pier was how we had learned of it. One of Mac's old buddies was there in the crowd that night. He called us a couple weeks later asking how he was doing. We had no clue. He told us he got hurt on call. That was what he always said when he came home like that. We learned of him gambling on fights including his own. It put him through college, helped Mac and I out a ton but it just didn't feel right, you know?" She tells me all the things I already knew and continues.
<
br /> "After you left he delved into work and school going back to his normal routine. Which was fine, then we get a call mid-semester from his old Fire Chief, he was missing work and was dropped from the volunteer program for numerous no shows. Kaseton drove to TAMU to check on him in his dorm and discovered he had been kicked out for drug possession. When he was finally able to find Declan he was in some trashy apartment with a roommate named Slade and was out of his mind drunk and high on who knows what." She pauses and takes a deep breath, I'm sure remembering back to all the stuff Dex put them through.
"Dex showed up at the station the next day yelling and throwing punches at Kaseton. He swore up and down Kaseton stole you back and was the reason he was fired. They got into a huge fight right there at the station. Declan broke his nose and hurt him pretty bad. It tore Kaseton up seeing Declan like that and acting the way he was. So there he was drugged up, kicked out of TAMU, no job or vehicle, picking off his friends one by one and no where to go. We didn't hear from him for months. He totaled that truck of his too but I don't know how or why. Hadley and Kaseton finally found him at Lily's house and moved him into Kaseton's where by some work of god they got him cleaned up and back on track. He didn't finish EMT school until a year ago."
Everything she says irks me, it doesn't sound right as if they kept a lot from her. More so because Dex lied to me about Lily and kept all this from me. I know Dex is a good guy and what he did was because I had hurt him. He tells me often how he wants me to be honest with him but he hasn't been honest with me either. The only difference is, I'm slowly opening up to him and he's still carrying all these secrets as if none of it ever happened.
"Come on, you know you want to go out there and kiss on them babies." I entice her. She laughs at the face I'm making and then grabs onto my arm and loops hers through it. We both take seats outside and watch the girls play around with everyone for a little while.
"I feel bad for leaving and not telling anyone about them. I'm glad I'm back and Dex is on the right track." She pats my hand and smiles.
Insufferable Weight of Silence Page 13