by Lenny Bruce
The phone rings at nine o’clock.
“Hello, hello, hello, this is the Sheckners.”
“The people from last night. We didn’t wake you up, did we?”
“No, I always get up at nine in the morning. I like to get up about ten hours before work so I can brush my teeth and get some coffee. It’s good you got me up. I probably would have overslept otherwise.”
“Listen, why we called you, we want to find out what you want to eat.”
“Oh, anything. I’m not a fussy eater, really.”
I went over there that night, and I do eat anything—anything but what they had. Liver. And Brussels sprouts. That’s really a double threat.
And the conversation was on the level of, “Is it true about Liberace?”
That’s all I have to hear, then I really start to lay it on to them:
“Oh, yeah, they’re all queer out there in Hollywood. All of them. Rin Tin Tin’s a junkie.”
Then they take you on a tour around the house. They bring you into the bedroom with the dumb dolls on the bed. And what the hell can you tell people when they walk you around in their house? “Yes, that’s a very lovely closet; that’s nice the way the towels are folded.” They have a piano, with the big lace doily on top, and the bowl of wax fruit. The main function of these pianos is to hold an eight-by-ten picture of the son in the Army, saluting. “That’s Morty, he lost a lot of weight.”
The trouble is, in these towns—Milwaukee; Lima, Ohio—there’s nothing else to do, except look at stars. In the daytime, you go to the park to see the cannon, and you’ve had it.
One other thing—you can hang out at the Socony Gas Station between shows and get gravel in your shoes. Those night attendants really swing.
“Lemme see the grease rack go up again,” I say. “Can I try it?”
“No, you’ll break it.”
“Can I try on your black-leather bow tie?”
“No. Hey, Lenny, you wanna see a clean toilet? You been in a lot of service stations, right? Did you ever see one this immaculate?”
“It’s beautiful.”
“Now don’t lie to me.”
“Would I lie to you about something like that?”
“I thought you’d like it, because I know you’ve seen everything in your travels———”
“It’s gorgeous. In fact, if anyone ever says to me, ‘Where is there a clean toilet, I’ve been searching forever,’ I’ll say, ‘Take 101 into 17 up through 50,’ and I’ll just send ’em right here.”
“You could eat off the floor, right, Lenny?”
“You certainly could.”
“Want a sandwich?”
“No, thanks.”
Then I start fooling around with his condom-vending machine.
“You sell many of these here?”
“I don’t know.”
“You fill up the thing here?”
“No, a guy comes around.”
“You wear condoms ever?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you wear them all the time?”
“No.”
“Do you have one on now?”
“No.”
“Well, what do you do if you have to tell some chick, ‘I’m going to put a condom on now’—it’s going to kill everything.”
I ask the gas-station attendant if I can put one on.
“Are you crazy or something?”
“No, I figure it’s something to do. We’ll both put condoms on. We’ll take a picture.”
“Now, get the hell out of here, you nut, you.”
I can’t help it, though. Condoms are so dumb. They’re sold for the prevention of love.
As far as chicks are concerned, these small towns are dead. The cab drivers ask you where to get laid. It’s really a hang-up. Every chick I meet, the first thing they hit me with is, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a girl you think I am, but I know you show people, you’ve got all those broads down in the dressing room, and they’re all ready for you, and I’m not gonna . . .”
“That’s a lie, there’s nobody down there!”
“Never mind, I know you get all you want.”
“I don’t!”
That’s what everybody thinks, but there’s nobody in the dressing room. That’s why Frank Sinatra never gets any. It’s hip not to ball him. “Listen, now, they all ball him, I’m not gonna ball him.” And the poor schmuck really sings Only the Lonely . . .
It’s a real hang-up, being divorced when you’re on the road. Suppose it’s three o’clock in the morning, I’ve just done the last show, I meet a girl, and I like her, and suppose I have a record I’d like her to hear, or I just want to talk to her—there’s no lust, no carnal image there—but because where I live is a dirty word, I can’t say to her, “Would you come to my hotel?”
And every healthy comedian has given “motel” such a dirty connotation that I couldn’t ask my grandmother to go to a motel, say I want to give her a Gutenberg Bible at three in the morning.
The next day at two in the afternoon, when the Kiwanis Club meets there, then “hotel” is clean. But at three o’clock in the morning, Jim. . . . Christ, where the hell can you live that’s clean? You can’t say hotel to a chick, so you try to think, what won’t offend? What is a clean word to society? What is a clean word that won’t offend any chick? . . .
Trailer. That’s it, trailer,
“Will you come to my trailer?”
“All right, there’s nothing dirty about trailers. Trailers are hunting and fishing and Salem cigarettes. Yes, of course, I’ll come to your trailer. Where is it?”
“Inside my hotel room.”
Why can’t you just say, “I want to be with you, and hug and kiss you.” No, it’s “Come up while I change my shirt.” Or coffee. “Let’s have a cup of coffee.”
In 50 years, coffee will be another dirty word.
Chapter Eighteen
The first time I got arrested for obscenity was in San Francisco. I used a ten-letter word onstage. Just a word in passing.
“Lenny, I wanna talk to you,” the police officer said. “You’re under arrest. That word you said—you can’t say that in a public place. It’s against the law to say it and do it.”
They said it was a favorite homosexual practice. Now that I found strange. I don’t relate that word to a homosexual practice. It relates to any contemporary chick I know, or would know, or would love, or would marry.
Then we get into the patrol wagon, and another police officer says, “You know, I got a wife and kid . . .”
“I don’t wanna hear that crap,” I interrupted.
“Whattaya mean?”
“I just don’t wanna hear that crap, that’s all. Did your wife ever do that to you?”
“No.”
“Did anyone?”
“No.”
“Did you ever say the word?”
“No.”
“You never said the word one time? Let ye cast the first stone, man.”
“Never.”
“How long have you been married?”
“Eighteen years.”
“You ever chippied on your wife?”
“Never.”
“Never chippied on your wife one time in eighteen years?”
“Never.”
“Then I love you . . . because you’re a spiritual guy, the kind of husband I would like to have been . . . but if you’re lying, you’ll spend some good time in purgatory . . .”
Now we get into court. They swear me in.
THE COP: “Your Honor, he said blah-blah-blah.”
THE JUDGE: “He said blah-blah-blah! Well, I got grandchildren . . .”
Oh, Christ, there we go again.
“Your Honor,” the cop says, “I couldn’t believe it, there’s a guy up on the stage in front of women in a mixed audience, saying blah-blah-blah . . .”
THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY: “Look at him, he’s smug! I’m not surprised he said blah-blah-blah . . .”
“He’l
l probably say blah-blah-blah again, he hasn’t learned his lesson . . .”
And then I dug something: they sort of liked saying blah-blah-blah.
(Even the BAILIFF:) “What’d he say?”
“He said blah-blah-blah.”
“Shut up, you blah-blah-blah.”
They were yelling it in the courtroom.
“Goddamn, it’s good to say blah-blah-blah!”
The actual trial took place in the early part of March 1962. The People of the State of California vs. Lenny Bruce. The jury consisted of four men and eight women. The first witness for the prosecution was James Ryan, the arresting officer. Deputy District Attorney Albert Wollenberg, Jr., examined him.
Q. . . . And on the night of October the fourth did you have any special assignment in regard to (the Jazz Workshop)?
A. I was told by my immediate superior, Sergeant Solden, that he had received a complaint from the night before that the show at this club was of a lewd nature, and that some time during the evening I was to go in and see the show and find out what the complaint was all about . . .
Q. And during the course of his act did any . . . talking about an establishment known as Ann’s 440 arise?
A. Yes . . . during this particular episode at the 440 he was talking to some other person, who, as near as I can recall, I think was either his agent or another entertainer. And during this conversation . . . one person said, “I can’t work at the 440 because it’s overrun with cocksuckers.”
Q. . . . Now, after this statement, what then occurred?
A. A little later on in the same show the defendant was talking about the fact that he distrusted ticket takers and the person that handled the money, and that one of these days a man was going to enter the premises and situate himself where he couldn’t be seen by the ticket taker, and then he was going to expose himself and on the end of it he was going to have a sign hanging that read, WHEN WE REACH $1500 THE GUY IN THE FRONT BOOTH IS GOING TO KISS IT.
Q. . . . Now, subsequent to the statement about hanging a sign on a person exposed, was there any further conversation by the defendant while giving his performance?
A. Yes. Later in the show he went into some kind of chant where he used a drum, or a cymbal and a drum, for a tempo, and the dialog was supposed to be . . .
MR. BENDICH (my attorney, Albert Bendich): I’ll object to what the witness infers the conversation or dialog was supposed to import, your Honor. The witness is to testify merely to what he heard.
THE COURT: Sustained.
MR. WOLLENBERG: . . . Can you give us the exact words or what your recollection of those words were?
A. Yes. During that chant he used the words “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming,” and . . .
Q. Did he just do it two or three times, “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming”?
A. Well, this one part of the show lasted a matter of a few minutes.
Q. And then was anything else said by the defendant?
A. Then later he said, “Don’t come in me. Don’t come in me.”
Q. Now, did he do this just one or two times?
A. No. As I stated, this lasted for a matter of a few minutes.
Q. Now, as he was saying this, was he using the same voice as he was giving this chant?
A. . . . Well, this particular instance where he was saying “I’m coming, I’m coming,” he was talking in a more normal tone of voice. And when he stated, or when he said “Don’t come in me. Don’t come in me,” he used a little higher-pitched voice . . .
Mr. Bendich now cross-examined.
Q. Officer Ryan, would you describe your beat to us, please?
A. . . . It takes in both sides of Broadway from Mason to Battery.
Q. And in the course of your duties, Officer, you have the responsibility and obligation to observe the nature of the shows being put on in various clubs in this area?
A. Yes, sir, I do.
Q. Would you tell us, Officer, what some of those clubs are? . . . Then I’ll ask you some questions about the content of the work that is done there . . .
MR. WOLLENBERG: Well, that’s irrelevant and immaterial, if your Honor, please, other than that they are on his beat, the content of the work done there.
MR. BENDICH: We’re talking about community standards, your Honor.
THE COURT: (Mr. Wollenberg’s objection) overruled. Now, the question is just to name some of the establishments. [The officer named several night clubs.]
Q. . . . Now, officer, you testified, I believe, on direct examination that you had a specific assignment with reference to the Lenny Bruce performance at the Jazz Workshop, is that correct?
A. That’s correct.
Q. Tell us, please, if you will, what your specific assignment was.
A. My assignment was to watch the performance of the show that evening.
Q. What were you looking for?
A. Any lewd conversation or lewd gestures or anything that might constitute an objectionable show.
Q. What were your standards for judging, Officer, whether a show was objectionable or not?
A. Well, any part of the show that would violate any Police or Penal Code sections that we have . . .
MR. BENDICH: . . . [You have previously described] the clubs that are situated upon the beat that you patrol, and among other clubs you listed the Moulin Rouge. . . . And would you be good enough to tell us, Officer Ryan, what the nature of the entertainment material presented in the Moulin Rouge is?
A. Primarily a burlesque-type entertainment.
Q. Strip shows are put on . . .?
A. That’s correct.
Q. And, as a matter of fact, Officer Ryan, there is a housewives’ contest put on at the Moulin Rouge with respect to superior talent in stripping, is there not?
A. I don’t know if it just encompasses housewives; I know they have an amateur night.
Q. Now, Officer Ryan, will you tell us a little bit about what occurs during amateur night?
A. Well, just what it says, I believe. Girls that have had little or no experience in this type of entertainment are given a chance to try their hand at it.
Q. To try their hand at it, and they try their body a little, too, don’t they?
MR. WOLLENBERG: If your Honor please, counsel is argumentative.
THE COURT: Yes. Let us not be facetious, Mr. Bendich.
MR. BENDICH: I will withdraw it. I don’t intend to be facetious.
Q. Officer Ryan, will you describe for the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you will, please, what the ladies who are engaged in the competition on amateur night do?
MR. WOLLENBERG: If your Honor please, this is irrelevant.
THE COURT: Overruled.
THE WITNESS: Well, they come on the stage and then to the accompaniment of music they do a dance.
MR. BENDICH: And in the course of doing this dance, they take their clothes off, is that correct?
A. Partially, yes.
Q. Now, these are the amateur competitors and performers, is that correct?
A. That’s correct.
Q. Tell us, please, if you will, what the professional performers do.
A. Approximately the same thing, with maybe a little more finesse or a little more ability, if there is ability in that line.
Q. And you have witnessed these shows, is that correct, Officer Ryan?
A. I have, yes.
Q. And these are shows which are performed in the presence of mixed audiences, representing persons of both sexes, is that correct?
A. That’s true.
Q. Now, Officer Ryan, in the course of your official duties in patrolling your beat you have occasion, I take it, to deal with another club, the name of which is Finocchio’s, is that correct?
A. That’s true.
Q. And you have had occasion to observe the nature of the performances in Finocchio’s, is that true? . . . Would you be good enough, Officer Ryan, to describe to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what the nature of t
he entertainment presented in Finocchio’s is?
A. Well, the entertainers are female impersonators.
Q. May I ask you to describe for the jury what female impersonators are?
A. A male that dresses as a woman, and the type of show they put on is, I guess, a pretty average show, other than the fact that they are female impersonators. They have songs that they sing, dances that they do, and so forth.
Q. . . . And can you describe the mode of dress, Officer, of the female impersonators in Finocchio’s?
A. Well, they wear different types of costumes. Some of them are quite full, and others are . . .
Q. Quite scanty?
A. Not “quite scanty,” I wouldn’t say, no, but they are more near to what you’d call scanty, yes.
Q. “More near to what you’d call scanty.” Well, as a matter of fact, Officer, isn’t it true that men appear in the clothes of women, and let’s start up—or should I say, down at the bottom—wearing high-heeled shoes?
MR. WOLLENBERG: Oh, if your Honor please, he’s already answered that they’re wearing the clothes of women. That covers the subject. We’re not trying Finocchio’s here today.
MR. BENDICH: We’re certainly not trying Finocchio’s but we are trying Lenny Bruce on a charge of obscenity, and we have a question of contemporary community standards that has to be established, and I am attempting to have Officer Ryan indicate what the nature of the community standards on his beat are.
THE COURT: . . . Well, ask him to be more specific.
MR. BENDICH: Very well. Will you please be more specific, Officer Ryan, with regard to describing the nature of the scantily dressed female impersonators in terms of their attire.
A. They have all different kinds of costumes. Now, which particular one—I never paid that much attention to it, really.
Q. Well, they appear in black net stockings, do they not?
A. I imagine they do at times.
Q. And they appear in tights, do they not?
A. On occasion, yes.
Q. And they appear wearing brassieres, do they not?
A. That’s correct.
Q. I think that’s specific enough. . . . Officer Ryan, in the course of your observations of the strip shows in the Moulin Rouge, have you ever had occasion to become sexually stimulated?