by Karen White
He drifted closer and closer, and his hand rose out of the water and reached for hers. She stretched her arm so far, she thought she could hear her shoulder popping, already feeling his cold, wet hand in hers. That was when she realized that she still held the candy bar that he’d given her in her hand, soaked and melted from being squeezed in her fist, but somehow still intact even though she’d managed to use that hand to help her climb over the rocks. His eyes got really wide as they both realized that she couldn’t grip his hand tight enough.
The candy bar dropped, and she braced her feet so she wouldn’t fall as she reached out her left hand to grab his other arm as he swept by. This time just their fingers touched, but he was too far away, and she wasn’t braced enough to be able to put any strength into her hold.
She managed only to grab hold of his ring finger, and as the current pulled him away, she felt his gold ring slowly slide off into her fist. She watched, helpless, as he drifted farther and farther away, still watching as his head disappeared beneath the waves. She continued to stare at the ocean for a long time, afraid to blink in case she missed him coming up again, but he never did.
She continued to watch for him until her feet were submerged in water, and she knew it was time to go. Not really knowing why, she put Peter’s ring on her finger and closed her hand in a fist so she wouldn’t lose it; then she carefully made her way back to the shore and toward home. When she got there, she would tell the first of many lies to Maggie, then put away her Nancy Drew books and everything else that belonged in her life before, when she had still been just a child.
FOLLY BEACH, SOUTH CAROLINA
October 2009
EMMY REACHED FOR LULU’S HAND and held it tightly. Jolene was crying softly while Heath rubbed his scar absently, his eyes troubled. “What happened when you got home? What did you tell Maggie?”
Lulu’s eyes seemed to refocus on the world around her, like those of a swimmer returning to the surface. “I told her that Peter was a murderer, and that he’d run away to escape the law.”
“But who . . . ?” Emmy looked up and saw Jolene with her beautiful green eyes watching her carefully. “Cat. You told Maggie that Peter killed Cat so that Maggie wouldn’t go after him. That’s why you hid the suicide note.”
“I didn’t know what else to do. But in the end, none of it really mattered. I killed her, just the same as if I’d thrown her into the ocean myself.”
Emmy worried a torn fingernail, unable to look across the bed at Heath and Jolene as the last niggling thought rubbed its way to the surface. “Did you ever tell her the truth?”
Lulu’s chest rose under the pale blue blanket. “I did. But not for more than forty years. Years where I watched her waste away her life, waiting for somebody who was never coming back.” She let out a lingering sigh. “You see, Maggie made a promise to Peter that she would wait for him to come back for her, no matter how long it took. That’s why she never left Folly. She was waiting for him to come back, for him to ask for her forgiveness. To explain what had happened to Cat so that Maggie and Peter could be together again. Over the years she’d begun to believe that Cat might have been partially to blame—anything to justify in her mind her reason for wanting him to come back. So she waited.”
Heath’s face was shuttered, obliterating all emotions. “But you knew. Why didn’t you tell her?”
“In the beginning, it was easy not to say anything. So many people had been killed or damaged in some way by the war, and knowing the truth about Peter would have made Maggie feel responsible for so much of the pain. She’d had one too many disappointments, and was so delicate then. Even I could see how fragile her mind was, and I knew she couldn’t take knowing the truth. I knew I was right because Robert never told her, either. I never knew if he realized I knew the truth, too, but we each kept silent thinking we were protecting her.”
Emmy thought for a moment. “She married Robert only a month later. Why?”
“Robert had told Maggie that if she ever needed something to ask him. She was crazy with grief about Peter and Cat and I was so worried about her. So I found Robert and asked him to come.” Her forehead puckered. “I think they both found something in the other they needed, some kind of substitution for what had been denied to both of them. And with Robert being sent overseas, I guess it just seemed the most logical thing for them to do.
“And then the years passed, and Maggie was busy raising Johnny, and then I saw how knowing the truth could hurt that bond, make her reject him in some way. I knew what the loss of a mother was like, and I didn’t want to risk that happening to that innocent little boy. I told myself that Maggie was happy with her life, and that I didn’t need to bring up the past. Sometimes, I would even begin to think that she’d forgotten her promise to Peter because she’d seem content with Robert. But then I’d see that ring on her finger, and know what I’d always known: that a promise to Maggie was binding forever. She never took that ring off her finger.”
Heath sat up, his face dark with confusion. “Until Hurricane Hugo. She took the ring off then, didn’t she? And gave it to you. But why? Why would she change her mind then?”
The room was silent except for the beeping of a monitor and Jolene’s quiet crying, but Emmy sensed the heaviness of the air as if it were filled with the years of blind longing and a sister’s guilt. Her eyes met Lulu’s, and Emmy suddenly knew the answer.
Lulu blinked, a tear escaping down her cheek from behind her glasses, as incongruous to Emmy as Lulu’s smile. “John and Abigail were all packed up, ready to leave with the children, but nothing any of us said would make Maggie leave. I knew that she was afraid that if she evacuated, it might be months before she could return, and that was too long for her. She was so afraid that Peter would come that one time she was gone.”
Lulu seemed to run out of breath. Emmy touched her hand and watched as Lulu’s fingers held on tightly like a blind person lost in her own darkness.
Lulu continued. “Maggie hadn’t evacuated in nineteen fifty-nine for Gracie, either, so she said there was no need to go. But Hugo was going to be so much worse. They were already predicting that it would be the storm of the century. So I . . .” She shuddered and Emmy watched as Heath took her other hand. “So I told her the truth about Peter, and how he’d died. And about Cat. After more than forty years, I finally told her the truth, thinking that it might make a difference.” Her eyes clenched shut, but she opened them again quickly, as if she’d seen a part of her past she wanted to forget. “She didn’t believe me at first. But in the end, I convinced her.”
Emmy glanced up at Jolene, who was pressing tissues to her eyes. “But she still wouldn’t leave.”
Lulu shook her head. “No. I wanted her to be angry with me for ruining her life—not just for what I’d done to Peter, but for letting her hope all those years. But she didn’t. She just sat there, twisting that ring on her finger over and over.”
Jolene had stopped crying, but the monitor continued its incessant beeping, bringing Emmy back to the present.
“The police were going door to door, telling people to evacuate, that parts of the island were already beginning to flood. John called and I told him to leave with Abigail and the children. I had my own car and would be all right. Then Maggie gave me that last box of books and even helped me put it in the car, and I thought that meant she’d changed her mind. But when I got in the driver’s seat, she just stood there in the rain, twisting her ring.”
Lulu’s breath caught and Emmy moved closer, holding the older woman’s hand with both of hers, as if that might somehow make it easier.
“I rolled the window down, to tell her to get in, and she leaned toward me and kissed my cheek instead, then held out her hand to me. When I took it, she dropped something in my palm. It was the sapphire ring—the one Peter had given her. I started crying but she just walked back to the house and shut the door without looking back. Not once.” A sob broke from her throat. “And I never thought to ask for her for
giveness for all of those years she’d wasted. Robert had grown to love Maggie, but she could never make room in her heart for him because of Peter.”
Her gaze traveled to the three faces around her. “So I killed her, you see. If not that day, I killed her the day I let Peter drown.”
Emmy shook her head, trying to sort through everything she’d just heard and all the words that needed to come out. “No, Lulu. Everything you did, you did because you loved your sister and were trying to protect her. Don’t you see that? Maggie made her own choices. She chose to wait her whole life for somebody who was never coming back. She had a husband and son who loved her, yet she chose to put that life on hold.”
Lulu’s eyes were wide behind her glasses. “But she died because I told her the truth too late.”
“You’re wrong, Lulu. Maggie died because she didn’t know when she’d waited long enough. She was going to die that day, regardless, because she wasn’t evacuating. But it was her choice. And, Lulu—” Emmy swallowed back her own tears, knowing how important her next words would be. “Lulu, you didn’t have to ask for forgiveness. She’d already given it to you.”
Lulu frowned, an expression so familiar to Emmy that it almost made her want to smile with relief. “What do you mean?”
“She kissed your cheek when she said good-bye, right? And then she gave you her most precious possession because she trusted you with it. Because she loved you and knew that you loved her. And that you’re trustworthy and honorable and you did the right thing, regardless of the consequences. She knew that, and that’s why she gave you the ring.”
Lulu stared solemnly through her glasses, and Emmy saw the glimmer of hope shine through before Lulu quickly looked away and swiped at her face with the sleeve of her hospital gown. Emmy’s gaze fell to her gold wedding band on the third finger of her left hand, making her recall what Lulu had said to her the first time they’d met.
Emmy leaned toward the bed, taking Lulu’s hand again in both of hers. “That night on the beach with Peter, you saved the lives of a lot of people who never knew you to thank you.” Smiling softly, she added, “You’re a real hero, Lulu.”
Their eyes met, both of them understanding more than most what it meant to be brave. Lulu’s face softened, the lines of regret that had formed around her mouth seeming to diminish as if forgiveness had the power to erase the years.
Heath’s gaze settled on Emmy with an odd light as he mouthed the words Thank you. Leaning forward, he rested his forearms on the bed. “You’re really quite brilliant, Aunt Lulu. Think about it. You were ten years old but managed to take down the remaining spy in a notorious spy ring. You should be writing mystery novels.”
Jolene and Lulu exchanged a glance before Jolene spoke. “Actually, she has been. For years.”
Heath and Emmy both focused their attention on Lulu as she waved her hand dismissively. “Just scribblings, mainly. Jolene’s been going through them to see if she can make them readable.”
Jolene squeezed a wadded tissue in her hand. “They’re really good. I have a friend from college who’s a literary agent in New York. When they’re ready, I’m going to send them to see what he thinks.”
Emmy felt a nearly imperceptible and almost completely inexplicable glimmer of relief. It certainly clarified a little of Lulu’s loyalty to Jolene. But then her gaze fell to Jolene’s left hand, where Maggie’s ring still shone, and things weren’t so clear anymore.
Heath’s face was unreadable when he spoke. “So Cat was my real grandmother, and my grandfather wasn’t Robert Reynolds at all. He was a Nazi spy named Peter Koehler.”
Lulu nodded. “Biologically, yes. But Robert couldn’t have loved your father any more than if he had been his own flesh and blood. And Maggie thought the sun rose and set over Johnny’s head. They were good people, and good, loving parents, regardless of the other troubles in their lives.”
Turning to Lulu again, Emmy asked, “So what did Maggie tell everyone had happened to Cat? The only thing people here seem to remember about her is that she died tragically young.”
Lulu sighed. “Despite everything, Maggie still loved Peter. She knew she couldn’t be with him, but she wanted him to be free. And in the end, it all worked out.” Lulu’s eyes darted from each person around the bed as if she were a child with a secret. “She told everyone that it was an accident, that Cat fell out of the window while trying to open it. Which, of course, was the truth.”
Lulu reached a hand toward Jolene. “You reminded me so much of Cat. I remember the first time Heath brought you home, and everyone was so struck with how pretty you were, and all I could think about was how you and Cat had the same eyes, and how you both understood your power over men.”
Jolene blushed and looked down in her lap, her right hand covering her left so the ring was hidden. Lulu continued. “That’s why I wanted you here today, so I could tell you that. You have become like a daughter to me, but in the beginning, I used you to make myself feel better about how Cat died, and how Maggie never knew how Cat had tried to save her. I wanted to somehow make things work for you the way they hadn’t for Cat. I kept you coming back here long after I knew it was bad for Heath. Bad for both of you. And I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath. “But I guess guilt’s a bit like quicksand: the harder you struggle to get free of it, the more you get stuck.”
Heath stood slowly, then moved to the window. “But why have you decided to tell all of this now?”
Lulu looked exhausted all of a sudden, as if the retelling of the past had made her relive it—something her seventy-seven-year-old body wasn’t prepared for. Softly she said, “Because I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for forgiveness. I finally realized that sixty-six years is too long to wait.”
Emmy’s eyes met Jolene’s over the old woman on the bed, and Emmy knew they were both recalling their conversation in Emmy’s driveway, about how long a person had to wait before she knew it had been long enough.
A familiar expression crossed Lulu’s face, allowing Emmy a moment of preparation before Lulu spoke. “And I’m tired, too, of people making the same mistakes Maggie and I made, as if nobody has learned anything.” She pointed at Emmy’s wedding band, the gold reflecting the fluorescent lights of the hospital room. “How long are you going to pretend that Ben’s coming back to you? You’re living like you expect him to walk in the door any minute.”
Before Emmy could react, Lulu turned her head to face Jolene. “And you, with all your beauty and brains—you still insist on banging your head against the one man who won’t have you. You’ve got so much going for you, don’t waste it on somebody who’s not for you.”
Lulu closed her eyes, bright spots of color on her cheeks a startling contrast to the bleached white of the pillows. “I’m being harsh, but that’s my way. I wish I’d been that way with Maggie before it was too late. She might have had a better life if I had.”
Jolene stood abruptly. “Excuse me. I need to . . . I have to go.” She leaned over and gave Lulu a kiss on the forehead, then walked quickly to the door, her heels tapping against the tiles as she left without a backward glance.
Heath moved as if to follow her, but Lulu spoke, holding him back. “Don’t, Heath. She needs to fight her own battles, and she can’t do it if you keep rescuing her. She’s not one of your unfinished projects.” She closed her eyes and relaxed against the pillow. “Let her go.”
Heath’s eyebrows knitted as he stared at the door for a long moment. Shaking his head, he turned to Lulu. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do that.” He gave Lulu a kiss on her cheek, then left, promising to come back.
Emmy felt herself trying to shrink back in her chair, still stung by Lulu’s words. “You’re exhausted, Lulu. I should go so you can rest.”
Lulu grasped the sheets near Emmy’s chair. “No. Not yet. It’s your turn to talk.”
Emmy stared at her, not understanding.
“I want you to tell me about Ben.”
Emmy waited for the hurt and loss to
overwhelm her, for the grief to take hold of her breathing again. But all she felt was the warmth of her feelings for her lost husband, of all the love they’d shared in their brief time together.
“Where would you like me to start?”
“At the beginning. When you met. And when you’re done, I’ll tell you about Jim.”
Emmy raised her eyebrows. “Jim—as in Cat’s first husband?”
Lulu nodded. “Yes. I fell in love with him when I was nine years old, and I never found anybody else just like him. But that was my mistake. There would never be anybody just like him—but there must have been plenty more who were just as good.” She closed her eyes before Emmy could try to read what else Lulu wanted to say.
“All right, then. Just tell me when you want me to stop.” Emmy poured herself a glass of water and began to tell the story of Ben and her, starting with standing on her mother’s porch when he’d kissed her for the last first time.
CHAPTER 30
FOLLY BEACH, SOUTH CAROLINA
October 2009
The honking of a car horn woke Emmy from a sound sleep. She sat up, disoriented, as she looked at her bedside clock and realized it was after ten o’clock in the morning.
She splashed cold water on her face and dragged a toothbrush over her teeth before running to the front door and pulling it open to find her parents just climbing the front steps. Her father enveloped her in a bear hug first, patting her back with his large farmer’s hand and making her feel like a little girl again.
“You’re looking good, Emmy,” he said, studying her face closely.
“The warmer weather must be agreeing with you.” Smiling broadly, he added, “If this is what October in South Carolina is like, I might have to consider retiring here.”