There was a desk in the corner, but Dr Naylor didn’t sit at it, instead choosing an Eames chair opposite the sofa. Abby assumed this was a therapist’s trick, a removal of boundaries to create the most open environment possible.
‘So you two separated several weeks ago?’ said Dr Naylor after taking down a few details.
‘That’s right,’ said Abby, deciding that now she was here, there was nothing for it but to be as honest and transparent as possible. ‘I found a text on his phone from another woman. Nick admitted being unfaithful and I asked him to leave the marital home. The problem, and it’s always been Nick’s problem, is that he does things without thinking about the consequences. He always has. I mean, the first time we met, he turned up to Glastonbury without a tent, because his had been stolen. Who does that? Nick does, because he believes that things will always work out in the end. But it can’t work itself out this time.’
She’d said more than she had wanted to, but she felt like a Duracell bunny that had been wound up and was ready to go.
Nick looked uncomfortable. She could feel him squirming on the seat next to her and she was glad.
‘Have to tried to talk about it? Have you tried to work things out?’
‘There was an argument at the time, but it was very emotional,’ said Nick sheepishly.
‘Have you spoken since?’ asked Dr Naylor.
‘I’ve tried,’ replied Nick.
‘There’s nothing to say,’ said Abby flatly. ‘The facts are pretty simple. Infidelity is non-negotiable in our marriage. I can’t get past it. I can’t get past the betrayal.’
She thought of Elliot Hall and her bubble of self-righteousness popped. She flushed, and felt her shoulders sag a little in shame. She hoped Nick wouldn’t bring up her own recent admission that she’d had dinner with someone.
‘I think there’s plenty to say, to talk about,’ said Melanie Naylor reasonably. She turned to Nick. ‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’
‘It was just a one-night stand. Not just,’ he corrected himself quickly. ‘I know how bad that sounds. But it wasn’t an affair. I went away on business and I slept with a client. Someone I had known for a few months, and one thing led to another.’
Someone I had known for a few months.
Abby felt sick at that image of intimacy. He hadn’t told her how well he had known the woman before. Abby had imagined that she had been a sexy stranger, and that had been some small consolation. But now she could picture them talking and laughing together. Knowing little things about one another. Things perhaps as simple as how he liked his coffee. Whether he preferred French or Italian food for lunch. Had Nick got excited every time he knew they were to have a meeting? Had he worn a favourite suit on the days he was going to see her?
‘I read the text, Nick. She wanted to see you again and it sounded as if you had discussed it. When was that? The morning after? You can’t blame it on alcohol then.’
‘Yes, we discussed it,’ he said quietly. ‘And I wasn’t that drunk.’
It was like a punch in the guts. She couldn’t bear to look at him and focused her eyes on the far wall.
‘We’re here to be honest,’ said Nick, trying to catch her eye. ‘I want to be totally honest with you.’
‘I don’t want to hear it,’ she said, wrapping her arms around herself.
‘Let him talk,’ said Melanie softly.
There was silence, and then Nick spoke again.
‘I’ve never stopped loving Abby, but I didn’t like the state of our marriage, not since we started trying for a baby.’
‘Did you want children?’ asked Melanie. It was a reasonable question.
‘Yes. Eventually. We married young, but I loved being married to Abby. I loved spending time with her. Talking to her, just reading the newspaper lying next to her, made me happy. Then she wanted to try for a baby. I wasn’t really ready but I agreed because I loved her, and because it was something I wanted too. Maybe not at that minute, but when is it ever the right time to have a family?’
He paused and crossed one leg over the other, and started pulling awkwardly at his trousers.
‘We tried for a long time but nothing happened. Two IVF attempts were unsuccessful. Whatever we did seemed to make it worse. We went to more fertility experts, which made us more frustrated. We weren’t getting on so I spent more time at work. We had tests. Lots of them. Turns out we have sperm and egg incompatibility. If there’s a medical term for that, I don’t know what it is, but the long and short of it is that Abby and I are unlikely to ever have children together. Ironic for two people who fell head over heels in love the first time we met.’
She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t think she could bear it.
Nick puffed out his cheeks and even Dr Naylor looked emotional.
‘I thought we could handle it, I thought we’d get through it. Then my sister Ginny told me Abby had said she couldn’t be in a marriage where she couldn’t have kids. Apparently they’d had some conversation about it. I sort of lost it. I felt totally rejected, worthless. I went away on business a few days later. A client showed some interest and I slept with her. It was madness, but when I think about why I did it, it wasn’t because I was drunk and reckless. I wanted to feel like a man. I wanted to feel wanted.’
He shifted in his seat so that he could look more directly at Abby.
‘I know that’s little consolation for you now, Abs, but believe me when I say that I don’t want anyone else but you. I never did. If you want a divorce, if you want to move on and find a man who can give you what you want, then that is something I am going to have to accept.’
‘Ginny said I didn’t want to be married to you?’ Abby was trying to process everything he had just said.
‘If we couldn’t have children. She said it was making you question our marriage. I can’t remember her exact words, but that was about the sum of it.’
Abby desperately trawled through her memory bank. She couldn’t believe she had ever said that.
‘Nick, I was in love with you. I wanted to grow old with you. I honestly don’t remember saying that to Ginny. Even if I did, it wasn’t what I meant.’
Dr Naylor reached for a box of tissues and handed it to her.
She took one and blew her nose, then looked up at the counsellor, who seemed to understand that they had probably had enough emotion for one afternoon.
‘I think another session within the next few days would be useful,’ she said briskly. ‘But first you need to go away and digest everything that has been said. You should do that separately, and then we can reconvene.’
Neither of them said anything until they were outside on the street.
‘That wasn’t so bad,’ said Nick, pushing his hands into his pockets.
‘Other than the part where you admitted that you’d known that woman for ages, and that you weren’t drunk when you slept with her. Oh, and the fact that your sister lied about the way I feel about our marriage.’
‘You said you couldn’t remember what you’d told her.’
‘I don’t need babies to make our lives complete, Nick. I want children, yes. Trying for kids felt like the next stage in our relationship, and I admit, I would be very, very sad if I never had them. But I don’t miss something I’ve never had. And from the minute I met you, all I ever wanted was you.’
She thought she could see the hint of a smile pulling at his lips.
‘Does that mean you’ll give Melanie another go? I thought she was pretty good.’
‘She didn’t say much.’
‘Not sure that’s the point. She’s there to make us talk.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me all that before?’ said Abby after a minute. ‘The stuff about feeling rejected.’
She had always known that their infertility had driven a wedge between them, but she’d never suspected that it had made him feel unloved, unwanted. Was that enough of a reason to condone or forgive what he had done? Abby wasn’t sure.
&nb
sp; ‘Because it would have sounded like an excuse.’
He paused and looked up at her.
‘Did you ever feel like that too?’
Abby gave a little shrug. ‘Sometimes, when it all seemed so difficult, the IVF and the hormones and the moods and the arguments we used to have. I thought it might have been a sign that we shouldn’t be together. But then I remembered all the good times . . .’
‘There were a lot of good times.’
There was a loud grumble, and Abby realised with embarrassment that it was her stomach.
‘Was that you?’ asked Nick.
She couldn’t help but laugh.
‘I haven’t eaten since breakfast.’
‘Want to have dinner? Alba is just around the corner.’
It used to be their favourite restaurant when they lived near Clapham Common. They’d go there every Friday night and laugh and chat till closing time. She smiled at the innocence of it all. The calm before the storm.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ she said quickly.
‘Abby, we’re still husband and wife. I think that just about qualifies us to share a pizza.’
‘I want my own pizza, thanks. I’m starving.’
A black cab rumbled past, and before she knew it, Nick had got the driver to stop.
They were there within a minute, and as they found a table on the patio area, the waiter recognised them, which surprised Abby, as they had been gone from the area for three years.
‘I miss this place,’ said Nick casually as his eyes scanned the menu.
She missed this. She missed the small simplicities of their life.
She thought of the Joni Mitchell track that Nick used to play on the drive down to Cornwall, ‘Big Yellow Taxi’, with its lyrics that reminded you that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
She thought about Ros and Dominic, who had never had the opportunity to grow old together, to laugh, to row, to eat pizza together on a Friday night, to do all the things that couples did, and suddenly her heart ached.
As if he was reading her thoughts, as if he could look into her mind and see The Last Goodbye, Nick spoke.
‘So Dominic Blake was a spy.’
She nodded.
‘KGB. Who’d have thought it?’
‘Well he was. But it turns out that he was working for the British all along.’
‘What do you mean? He was a double agent? Or is that a triple agent?’ he asked, trying to work it out. ‘It didn’t say that in the piece.’
The pizza arrived and Abby lowered her voice. She was glad that the patio was empty as she told Nick everything she had discovered about Dominic Blake, glad to share it with him, safe in the knowledge that he wouldn’t judge.
‘So you think Jonathon Soames dobbed Blake in to the Russians?’ he said, leaning back in his chair when she had finished.
‘That’s Victoria’s theory.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Nick sipping his beer. ‘With friends like that, who needs enemies? So Dominic Blake is dead, probably murdered, and Soames get a peerage and a stately home . . .’
‘It isn’t fair, is it?’ said Abby, glad of Nick’s support, glad that he saw this the way she did, glad he had spotted the injustice of it all.
‘Can’t you out Soames?’
‘How?’
Nick shrugged as if he was thinking out loud.
‘Elliot Hall wrote the piece. I thought his dad was Andrew Shah.’
‘He is,’ she said, wondering how he knew that.
‘Shah owns one of the largest newspaper groups in Europe. The press have come under fire recently, but remember all the attention the Telegraph got for breaking the expenses scandal. Every newspaper in the world wants a bit of that kudos. If one of Shah’s papers outed Soames, as a Russian asset, a traitor, that’s big news. That sells papers.’
Abby shook her head. ‘Soames is establishment, Nick. So is the Shah family. They’re all going to protect each other. That’s how it works. I’ve learnt that much recently.’
Nick picked up the last bit of pizza and stuffed it into his mouth.
‘Shah cares about profit. He cares about the reputation and power of his newspapers.
‘Look, I’ve discussed this with Elliot, and he reckons it’s not in his interests to admit he was wrong about Dominic.’
‘But Elliot is just a writer,’ he said with pointed dismissiveness. ‘Bypass him. Take it straight to the editor.’
‘Which would be a kick in the teeth for Elliot.’
Nick looked slightly gleeful at her remark. She wondered if he had guessed. Guessed what had gone on between them.
‘So take it elsewhere,’ he said simply. ‘Take it to the BBC. Take it to the Times or Sky News.’
‘I can’t,’ she said softly. She heard the old Abby creep back into her voice. The Abby who thought her place was to stay in the archives and hide away from everything.
‘Do you want to?’ asked Nick.
She nodded. ‘If Soames betrayed Dominic, I want to prove that. Not just for Dominic or for Ros, but for me,’ she said honestly. ‘You know, I really felt kicked to the floor when you were unfaithful, Nick. You were my world, the only family I’ve got, the one person I trusted. Writing this story helped me through that. It made me think about other people, not just myself. It taught me I could be a little bolder, in life, in love.’
She thought about Elliot Hall and looked away.
‘Then do it,’ said Nick simply.
‘How on earth do I do that after so many years?’
‘Ask him.’
‘Ros has already threatened to go round and have it out with him but I persuaded her to bide her time. As if he’d tell her anything anyway. I’ve already interviewed him for the Chronicle piece, and he didn’t give anything away.’
‘He wouldn’t. Not unless he had to,’ replied Nick, not taking his eyes off hers.
‘But how am I going to make him? Wheel out the thumbscrews?’
‘Flush him out.’
‘Flush him out?’
‘Don’t you ever watch spy movies?’ he grinned.
‘No, I was always upstairs in the bath.’
The waiter came over to clear away their plates, and Nick ordered a coffee.
‘Speak to him again. Accuse him of everything you’ve just told me. He’ll deny it. Then you wait, watch, listen. See what he does next.’
‘Wait, watch, listen . . . What are you suggesting, Nick? That I put on a flasher mac and follow him?’
‘You’d look good in a flasher mac.’
‘Nick, please . . .’
‘I could help you.’
He said it slowly, as if he wasn’t sure what her reaction would be.
‘Abby, what do you think I do for a living?’
‘You’re in IT.’
She felt a pang of guilt that she didn’t know the specifics. She didn’t really understand IT and Nick didn’t talk about it much. Who would? It wasn’t a job like Elliot Hall’s, where you flew around the world, met celebrities and attended international summits about important global issues, and then wrote about it.
Nick gave a wry smile.
‘You think I spend all day playing computer games, don’t you?’
‘You’re an IT consultant. A hi-tech troubleshooter. You fix people’s servers. You are the technology fairy.’
She smiled, but Nick remained serious.
‘Abby, I break into companies’ computer and telecommunication systems.’
Her expression faded as she took it in.
‘You’re a hacker?’ she said incredulously.
‘No. I am not a hacker or a criminal. I am an IT security consultant.’
‘I thought you had a legitimate business,’ said Abby, aghast.
‘Of course it’s bloody legitimate,’ he said fiercely. ‘Cyber-crime is big business. Every company in the world wants secure technology. To test out how safe their systems are, I get people to try and hack into them. It’s
proactive security.’
‘It’s hacking, Nick. You’re a hacker!’
‘No. I break into their systems with their permission. But for that, I have to know and employ people who do know how to hack.’
They were both silent. They could hear the roar of traffic and the grumble of a train.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked as she blinked back tears.
‘With everything that’s happened, there have been times when I really feel as if I don’t know you, Nick. And do you know what has felt far worse than being cheated and lied to? It’s being made to feel utterly stupid, naïve and foolish. Right now is one of those times.’
He leant in to look at her.
‘It’s not my dream job, Abby. I’d rather be a surf instructor, a photographer, something that gets me outside with the sun on my face. But what I do pays well, I’m good at it, and I provide a service that people need. If you want to write this story, if Jonathon Soames is KGB or a Soviet asset and helped destroy his friend, and if you want to nail him, then I think I can help you. Because from the moment I saw you, all I have wanted to do is be by your side and do just that.’
It took a few moments for Abby to realise she was crying. She blinked hard and took a sip from her glass of tap water.
‘So what do you say?’
She didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that she wanted to try and make things right.
Finally she nodded.
‘Is that a yes?’ he smiled.
‘My very own James Bond,’ she said quietly.
Nick’s expression turned sad.
‘We let it go, didn’t we? The fun, the excitement, the adventure. When did we let it all get so difficult?’
The waiter came over with the bill on a tiny silver platter. Nick took out his wallet and put three ten-pound notes under the money clip.
‘He’s the one, isn’t he?’ he said before they stood up to leave. ‘You said you’d met someone and it’s him, isn’t it? Elliot Hall.’
‘It’s over,’ she said quietly.
‘Is it?’
When it came to affairs of the heart, Abby wasn’t sure if she knew anything any more.
Chapter Thirty-One
The Last Kiss Goodbye Page 28