Oliver studies Adam. It’s hard to imagine him talking. Laughing.
‘I wish… I wish it had been real. I wish I could have met you properly. I think I’d have liked you. I’m not sure what you’d had made of me. Anna thinks you’d be horrified I haven’t seen Footloose. There’s the thing. You have likes and dislikes. Hobbies. Passions. You love. You feel. I put it all second, all of those things that make us human. I made the science more important than the emotion. I’m sorry for what I’ve put Anna through. What I’ve yet to put her through.’
When Anna wakes up, Oliver needs to tell her some more bad news.
Chapter Sixty
Adam
Words. Sentences. Snatches of a one-sided conversation that makes no sense.
Harry isn’t real?
Anna has survivor’s guilt.
If Anna’s the survivor, what does that make me?
I try to move, but I can’t.
Chapter Sixty-One
Oliver
‘I’ve booked you flights back to the UK for the morning. A private ambulance will meet you at the airport to transport you both to St Agnes. It’s a private hospital.’
‘Oliver…’ Anna begins to cry. Oliver feels his heart shatter.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?’ Anna wipes her eyes with her sleeve.
‘You could stay but the trial is over. Don’t you think you’d be better off at home, with your family and friends?’
‘I thought you were my friend,’ Anna says in a small voice.
‘I’d like us to stay in touch. I’ve grown very fond of you, Anna. Of you both. Do you hate me?’
Anna considers the question. ‘No, I don’t. You’ve shown me something wonderful. Something amazing. I wish it could carry on but… no, I don’t regret coming here. That chance to spend some more time with Adam, to see the life we almost had, I feel… I feel incredibly sad that it’s over, of course.’
‘Nothing lasts forever, unfortunately.’
‘Love does.’ There’s a confidence to her words. ‘I had thought a few weeks ago that I didn’t love Adam anymore, that our struggle through infertility was too long, too hard for us to recover from, despite my pregnancy. The resentment too deep. If you hadn’t given me the opportunity to speak to him again, perhaps I’d always have felt that way. Now I know. Nothing is insurmountable if you want it badly enough. Adam is my…’
‘Seagull?’ Oliver suggests.
‘Not quite as romantic as I hoped, but yes. My seagull. My mate for life. My everything.’
‘If there’s ever anything you need. Anything. Just call. More than anything, I want you to be happy. I hope Adam recovers, Anna. I really do.’ Adam only has a 3 per cent chance of recovery but Oliver is rooting for him. He’s a scientist, but he still believes in miracles.
Oliver opens his arms and Anna steps into them. This is goodbye.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Anna
‘We’re going home tomorrow,’ I tell Adam.
I’m trying to stay positive. Oliver’s right. I’ve a support network waiting for me at home: Nan, Mum, Nell, Josh. Together, we’ll all keep the faith that one day Adam might recover.
Two years.
Twelve years.
Twenty years.
Without the help of Oliver, I worry how long I’ll be able to keep alive the vibrant Adam who lives clearly in my mind. But I vow I will. I can’t ever let him become a memory, vague and fading.
‘So…’ Usually I fill the silence with chatter, recollections of times past or plans for the future but now I cannot think of a single thing to say. I feel lost. As though I’ve forgotten who I am and why I’m here. As though I have failed my husband, failed us both. The thought of our little family slipping away, of never holding Harry in my arms, is heartbreaking.
Outside it is gloomy. For the first time since we arrived on the island, the sun isn’t beaming down. Clouds slip across the sky like ghosts.
Intermittently I doze.
Each time I wake, I remember we are leaving soon and I feel desolate once more. A ripple of a memory stirs, just outside my grasp. There’s something important, something that will change everything. I try and force it to the forefront of my mind but my recollection is slow and muddied.
I lay my head on Adam’s chest and whisper, I need you.
Chapter Sixty-Three
Adam
Anna’s head is on my chest. It’s impossible to gauge whether she has her eyes open or closed. I need to move. Speak. Do something.
Trying to raise my finger is like trying to lift a two-tonne weight. Mentally draining and physically impossible. My eyelids are equally heavy and my frustration builds; even babies can blink.
Anna.
I am incredulous that she can’t hear me calling her name. That she can’t see the shape of it leave my lips.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Anna
‘Anna.’ Adam’s voice is warm and soft.
‘You’re awake?’ A sunburst of happiness. I touch his face. His lips. Feel his mouth crinkle into a smile.
‘Yeah. Sorry. Have I been asleep long?’
‘Too long.’
‘What have I missed?’
Everything.
Nothing.
Me.
‘Happy anniversary, husband.’
‘Happy anniversary, wife.’
I have to fetch Oliver. Ring the buzzer and summon Luis, but I can’t let go of Adam. I won’t let go of Adam.
He holds me close. ‘Anna.’ His voice a whisper in the breeze.
I jolt awake.
Neck stiff and eyes sticky with sleep. Drool crusted around my mouth. The disappointment that Adam hasn’t really woken is crushing. I had spent last night pressed against him. My sleep light with fear, not allowing myself to fall too deeply in case I inadvertently dislodged a tube. A wire. I am heavy with sadness. That might be the last time I share a bed with my husband; it won’t be possible in a regular-sized hospital bed – if Adam survives the journey home.
If.
I wish I could step inside his consciousness and tell him goodbye. I wish Oliver would change his mind. But he is adamant the trial hasn’t worked.
As I think this, there’s another sliver of something I can’t quite put my finger on. I close my eyes and try to will the thought to form but it doesn’t take shape.
Sofia taps on the door. ‘The car will be ready in two hours to take you to the airport.’
I still need to pack but first I want to make the most of this quiet time. Adam and me in bed. The sound of the waves outside. The sun beating through the window.
‘So before we go home I want to remind you of a few things.’
I begin to tell him the story of us, just so he doesn’t forget how much we love each other.
I will, never, ever forget that again.
I’ve covered our meeting, his proposal, am onto our wedding when I think his hand moves slightly under mine. I hold my breath. Wait.
But nothing happens.
It’s wishful thinking, I know.
I carry on talking.
Chapter Sixty-Five
Adam
Her fingers stroke mine, slowly. Rhythmically. Under hers I try to move my own but it’s fruitless.
She’s telling me about our wedding day. About Josh’s speech.
‘What can I say about Ad?’ Josh had said as he shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot, pausing to down yet another glass of champagne. I was already cringing. Already second-guessing the content of the speech he hadn’t let me read.
Adam’s a twat for giving up his dreams and marrying so young.
He wet the bed until he was seven.
He didn’t lose his virginity until he was eighteen.
He’s been known to cry at Disney films.
So many things he could say about me, and I didn’t want him to say any of them.
Instead he cleared his throat
, studied his shoes, before raising his head and beginning to speak quietly.
‘I’m amazed Adam asked me to be his best man. Those of you who know me will know that I can be a bit of a dick. I’m not good with words.’ He refilled his glass and took a sip. And when he spoke again it was louder. ‘The thing is, I’ve known Adam almost all of my life. I’ve listened to him bang on about all the places he wanted to go to, all the countries he wanted to visit. He used to have a cork board in his bedroom with cuttings from holiday brochures. I admit when he first told me he was giving it all up for Anna, I thought he was a bit of a—’ I cleared my throat loudly. I had warned Josh to keep it clean because of Anna’s nan. ‘A bit of an idiot.’ Josh swayed and for one horrifying second it looked like he was going to topple over but he caught his balance. I waited for the punchline with bated breath. ‘But he wasn’t… an idiot. The truth is I’ve never seen Adam look at a map the way he looks at Anna.’ A ripple of laughter Mexican-waved around the room. ‘It might seem that we don’t have much in common anymore. With him settling down and me still shagging everything that moves. Sorry… I mean… making love to. Is that better? Shit. Sorry, Anna’s Nan.’
‘It’s okay!’ Anna’s nan’s voice had warbled towards the top table. ‘I have heard of sex, you know. Done it myself once or twice.’
Josh had raised his glass while a mortified Anna covered her face with her hands. ‘But I’m still… exploring my options because I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel the way Adam feels about Anna and after seeing the two of them together, I don’t want to settle for anything less than what they have.’ He turned to me. Almost-empty glass raised. ‘Adam, I love you mate. And even if we’re heading in different directions, I’ll always have your back.’
‘And I’ll have yours.’ I stood quickly to give him a hug. His eyes were glistening too.
‘To Adam and Anna. May you have a long and happy life.’ He had raised his glass. And I recall thinking then how happy I was. I recall thinking then that I had it all.
‘Do you remember,’ Anna says now, ‘that Nell was so moved by his speech they had a snog.’
I remember, I want to tell her. But I can’t. The words are in my head but I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t take my wife into my arms and tell her that I thought it was impossible to love her any more than I did on our wedding day and yet, somehow, I do.
I can’t say any of it.
Chapter Sixty-Six
Anna
The suitcases are stacked by the door. I’ve double-checked our rooms to make sure nothing has been left. Grandad’s coin is now back in my purse.
‘Do you want me to come to the airport with you?’ Oliver asks.
‘No. I do want to say goodbye—’
‘Of course, we’ll—’
‘Not to you.’ I look pointedly at Adam.
‘Anna… I can’t…’
‘It’s our wedding anniversary today. Wouldn’t you want to see Clem on your anniversary?’
‘That’s not fair.’
I know it isn’t but I’m running out of options. ‘It will absolutely be the last time and then we’ll get on the plane, I promise. It’ll be my goodbye. Closure.’
‘But last time… You could have died, Anna. You weren’t in a good state when you came back.’
‘Because I wasn’t supervised. You’d be here. I need this.’
Indecision slides across Oliver’s face. I wait. I whisper.
‘Please.’
Chapter Sixty-Seven
Adam
‘Please.’ Anna trails off and I know she’ll be staring into the distance, nipping her lower lip between her teeth in that way of hers when she’s struggling to find the right words.
It’s our anniversary and I can’t move, I can’t speak. I can’t tell my wife that at the bottom of my suitcase under the clothes I’ll never unpack is a wooden box – the traditional five-year gift. It’s impossible for me to explain that inside are small rectangles of coloured paper on which I’ve written the words that best describe her. I haven’t got it right the last few anniversaries; I know somewhere along the line we stopped making an effort but I wanted to… I want to show her how much she means to me, still.
Always.
This year, I hoped I’d hit the nail on the head. Anna is way better at the gift stuff than me. On our first anniversary I arrived home with a bouquet of roses, a huge box of chocolates and a takeaway menu I had picked up from the new curry house on the corner. I had thought it was enough. I knew I could never match the star I had named after her for our first Valentine’s but, looking back now, I hadn’t really tried. The house was lit with flickering candles, it was like walking onto a film set. ‘Love me Tender’ was playing from the Bose. The smell of paella – always our ‘special occasion’ meal – drifted out of the kitchen. Anna hesitantly came down the stairs, smoothing her black dress over her thighs, tucking behind her ear a tendril of hair that had escaped her complicated up-do. She looked beautiful.
She always looks beautiful.
‘Happy first anniversary, husband.’ She kissed me softly, her lips sticky with gloss. ‘This is for you.’ She held out a small present and I took it, awkwardly pushing the flowers and chocolates into her arms. We moved onto the sofa, where she opened her card and exclaimed how gorgeous the flowers were while I tussled with the red ribbon wrapped around the turquoise gift box. Inside nestled a pair of cufflinks. I looked questioningly at her.
‘The first anniversary is “paper” so I bought you some paper aeroplane cufflinks so you never forget your dream to travel.’
‘Anna!’ I felt overcome with emotion. A bit of a dick for not researching anniversary rules, I should have known there would be some. I lifted the cufflinks from the box.
‘They’re great.’
‘They’re useless without this.’ She slid out another box from under the sofa and placed it on my knee. I tore off the wrapping paper. A shirt.
‘Strictly speaking, that’s cotton for next year but I know you don’t have the right shirts for wearing cufflinks, so…’
I kissed her hard, wanting my mouth to convey what my gifts hadn’t. That every single one of the 365 days of our marriage I had felt like a lucky bastard.
Now she takes my hand. ‘Oliver, I absolutely have to be with Adam on our anniversary.’
And despite everything, I still feel like a lucky bastard.
Chapter Sixty-Eight
Anna
While I’m waiting for Oliver to decide whether he’ll let me say goodbye to Adam, it hits me.
‘It was real!’ A whoosh of excitement rockets from the tips of my toes to my scalp. ‘It was real!’ I am fizzing with relief that I have remembered the one thing that had been gnawing at me. The single thing that will convince Oliver I had been speaking the truth. ‘Oh my God!’ I clutch his arm, I’m shaky but am grinning so wide I can feel the stretch of my cheeks. ‘It happened just as I said. All of it. I can prove it.’ I rush off to my room. Adam’s case is ready to leave in the corner where I left it. I unzip it and begin to dump his clothes on the floor. At the bottom of the case is a box. ‘You Are…’ is painted on the outside. I tip out the contents; red, yellow, orange pieces of paper float to the floor.
Gorgeous, says one.
Soul mate, another.
Kind.
Coming around to loving Eighties music.
A far better cook than me.
My best friend.
Emotions burn behind my eyes. This must be Adam’s anniversary gift to me. But I can’t allow myself to become distracted by the sentiment. It isn’t what I’m looking for.
Think! Where would he hide something from me?
I stick my hand inside his left trainer, empty. His right. And there it is, shoved in the toe. Triumphantly I rush back to Oliver.
‘Look!’ I wave the purple velvet pouch in my hand.
‘What’s that?’
‘That,’ I say as I tip out the delicate silver chain with the pram c
harm onto his hand, ‘is the bracelet Adam gave me after I’d given birth to Harry. Remember? I told you about it when you brought me back. You wrote it down. Adam had said that he had bought it the morning after I had told him I was pregnant. That was the morning of the yacht accident. He told me that he bought it with the intention of giving it to me the day I gave birth. He did save it until the day I gave birth.’
Oliver turns the bracelet over in his hand but he doesn’t speak.
‘If I’m not really in Adam’s consciousness, but fabricating the whole thing with my mind, how could I have known to include this bracelet in my imagination? I didn’t know it really existed until today.’
‘It could be something you’ve brought here from the UK.’
‘It isn’t. The charm is handmade by the little shop by the cove near our hotel. You can check.’
‘Adam could have given it to you before the yacht accident and you’d forgotten.’
‘He didn’t.’
‘You could have seen it in his case after the accident.’
‘I haven’t had reason to go in his case.’ Why can’t he see it? ‘It’s real. Somewhere. Somehow, whether it’s a world Adam has manifested through his consciousness I don’t know, but there is another world with Adam in it. A place where I have visited. A place where he gave me this.’ I tap the charm on Oliver’s palm.
‘Anna, I understand that’s what you want—’
‘It’s real.’
‘It isn’t… it didn’t work.’
‘It is real,’ I say again. ‘All of it. It’s like we both exist in some alternative reality away from here. We’re living a life. A good life. The life we almost had.’
‘Scientifically—’
The Life We Almost Had Page 24