by Gabi Moore
“I just …I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About him, about you. That’s why I wanted to talk to you today” I said. I didn’t like that my words seemed to make him frown. I went on.
“I’m sorry about the other day Zack. How …weird things were between us. I just needed to get my head clear about some things. I was just… I was scared.”
His face dropped. His pale eyes were flat but infinitely deep somehow. Like the sky. Like anything could be going on in there. He said nothing. This wasn’t quite how I had planned things. Like an idiot, and totally not like a mature, sophisticated woman who had her shit together, I carried on talking.
“So I guess what I needed to tell you is that I’m over all that now. New leaf and everything you know? I had such an interesting conversation with Alex, and I think I had some real insights into things, and into, you know, the whole situation, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you, because my therapist says I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for the things I want, and what I really want is to be honest with you, and I feel like we’ve gotten on so well till now and so…”
“Maddy, we should stop seeing each other.”
His voice was like a kick to my guts.
“What? But why?”
He was perched against our same old sofa, the unassuming place where this all had started, and now he was telling me he wanted to end it. He couldn’t make eye contact.
“Zack, why? I don’t understand.”
My sophisticated woman act was hanging on by a thread.
“Because I’m not good for you. You said so yourself, you’re scared of me,” he said, staring so hard at the floor I thought he’d burn holes into it.
I stood there limply.
“But …but…”
“It’s true though, isn’t it? And you should be scared. I’m fucking scary. I could hurt you. Maybe people like you and me never change. Maybe you keep going after guys who hurt you and I keep going after women who let me hurt them, and maybe that’ll never change.”
My ears stung. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. The makeup on my face suddenly seemed so embarrassing. So stupid and weak. I took a deep breath and tried to think. This was fixable. It had to be. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t want to break up, surely.
“You’re wrong, Zack. People can change. So you hit your ex once, so what, big deal. People hurt people in this world, but it’s OK to move on from that. You can’t beat yourself up about that forever.”
He sat still but I could tell his muscles were working and tightening under his tanned skin. I could almost make out the wires in his strong neck slowly ratcheting up. All at once I heard Alex’s voice in my head: the harder the guy on the outside, the softer on the inside. I wasn’t scared anymore. The air thrummed while I waited for him to say something, anything.
“There’s other stuff, Maddy. Stuff you don’t know about,” he said at last.
“Like what?”
Silence.
“What I did in Iraq. What we all did.” He still couldn’t bring his eyes up to meet mine. I smiled and took a step to him.
“God, Zack, I don’t care about that. You needed to do what you needed to do. Nobody blames you for that. It’s not your fault, I mean come on, it doesn’t mean we have to break up…”
“I did bad things Maddy.” He was wringing his hands, left over right over left again, as though he was trying to wash away something stubborn, something that wouldn’t come off. I took another step towards him.
“That’s all in the past now,” I said softly.
“No. It isn’t. I see their faces every night in my dreams,” he said, voice choking.
It hadn’t been that long ago since we had lain down on that very sofa together, his strong, naked body seeming like the safest place in the world. He looked so much smaller to me now. I went over and sat on the sofa with him, as though being there would protect me somehow from all the things he was saying. I reached out and carefully put my hand on his back.
“It’s not your fault, Zack. I know you would never want to hurt anyone on purpose. Whatever it is you did over there, I’m sure it’s not like you enjoyed it or anything.”
“Didn’t I?”
I snapped my hand back as he shot me a vicious look. The stinging started up in my ears again, stirring up into a full-blown whine.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do I mean? What I fucking said!”
He sprung up and all at once he swung a long leg back and hurled it forward, kicking my coffee table and sending it tumbling into the corner. I screamed and jumped back, but he pinned me in place with one hard look, his eyes wild and his chest heaving.
“You like this? Huh? Think this is something you can fix?” he yelled.
Though I tried not to, I began to cry. Maybe he was right. There was nothing else for me. Nothing but to repeat this same sad, stupid story over and over again.
He was pacing aggressively up and down the living room now, wiping his face, spitting mad.
“Being there did something to me, Maddy. I’m not a good man…”
“Yes you are!” I cried, trying to convince myself more than him. Not a bad man, he had said, but a man. My head was spinning.
“Listen to me, Maddy. You want the truth? All of it? Here it is. I liked it. The …stuff that happened there, I can’t explain it. A part of me wanted it. A sick part. It changed me, Maddy.”
We stood together in silence for a moment, the coffee table a sad casualty, keeled over to the side and everything that was on it splayed all across the floor. The world went dark for a moment. I stood dead still, mesmerized by his feet on the floor. Pacing up and down. Up and down. The fog in my head was clearing a little. Up and down. A part of me had wanted it to. All the pain. All the slapped skin and twisted wrists.
He took a deep breath and stared at me like he would pounce on me any second, then started pacing again.
“So we should break up. There’s no other way. Find a nice boy who won’t bring this sick shit into your life and take care of your animals and just--”
“You let that bitch send you to jail because you felt guilty,” I said, cutting him off.
“What?”
“I get it now. I think I understand. You felt bad, for whatever it is that you did over there. Whatever awful thing you think you did, you came back and you were just looking for an excuse. And you didn’t fight her because you felt bad. You wanted to be punished.”
He stopped pacing.
“Don’t try to fix me, Maddy. It can’t be done,” he said in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
Some animals are like this. Abused dogs, especially, or animals that have been abandoned and left to fend for themselves. They curl their spines and bare their teeth and snap at anyone. But they especially snap at people who want to be kind to them.
“I don’t care about any of it, Zack. I like the things we do together. Even the …dark things.”
“You should dump me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then I’ll go,” he snapped and made for the door.
“You’re not going anywhere either,” I said firmly.
He looked at me.
“Then what? You like this?” he scoffed. ”You like having some big crazy out-of-control guy in your living room?”
And then, God help me, I did something that took all the strength I had left. I didn’t know how the fuck to be a put-together, sophisticated woman. I didn’t know how to pretend that I didn’t crave him, didn’t think about him. That I was fine on my own and didn’t need anyone. But I did know how to do something. I took a step towards him. I had nothing left. Being kind is the only weapon I’ve ever had, and it was the only thing I could now, to stop him from walking out of that door and leaving me forever.
With shaking hands, I lifted the hem of my shirt over the top of my head and flung it off to the side. Standing in my jeans and bra, my skin crisped up under his gaze. Slowly, I took off my b
ra, too. My nipples hardened and tightened to a slightly deeper shade of pink-brown. It was as though I had charmed a snake. He was frozen where he stood, watching me rapt, something dark going on behind those light eyes.
I unbuttoned the jeans, bent to slide them off and then straightened, throwing them in the direction of my poor murdered coffee table. My panties disappeared the same way, and I stood naked before him. My permanent ‘last few pounds’. My stretchmarks. My clumsy knees and nerdy hair. I held my shoulders back and stared back at him, hard, and it took everything I had in me.
His expression swirled and contorted as he looked me over. Alex hadn’t given me any advice about what to do about a man like this, and so I was going to have to figure it out myself.
“I’m not good for you,” he muttered, unconvincingly.
I took a step forward.
“I’ll only hurt you,” he said again, and this time he was the fearful one. I took another step closer to him. I took a deep breath and opened my arms slightly to him, presenting myself.
“Don’t hold back,” I said.
Chapter Twenty – Zack
The haze lingered on the edge of my awareness. Dark, misty. Dangerous. I had put it away a long time ago, and now she was pulling it out of me again.
Her body was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. Every part of her curved, every line ended in some delicious cleft or curl, every surface of her looked silky and full. Just looking at her turned me on. I stiffened instantly, but more than that, I felt it in the back of my throat.
The haze descended slowly. And I let it.
I swiftly stepped back into the room and with a brutal kick, banished the upturned table even further. Even from where I stood, I could see the bob in her throat as she swallowed, watching me wide-eyed. I approached her, then roughly pushed the sofa out of the way. It was an ugly fucking sofa, and it was too small, and I hated it. No, what I was going to do to her now would have to happen on the floor.
A little smile twitched on the corner of her mouth, even though her eyes were still wide and wobbly with fear. What did such a sweet, pearly-skinned thing like her know about anything? About death? About violence? About fucking? She was all sweetness and light, this little bubble, this peach, and I was about to do things to her that would make her scream and cry and beg for mercy.
I picked up a floor lamp and brought it up over my head and then swung it down in one savage movement, smashing the glass on top. I tossed it aside and heard it clatter away.
She wanted it? I’d give it to her all right. The haze came over me and I let it. The room around receded. All her girly little trinkets disappeared, all the mismatched furniture, and the light went dim, and all that remained was my body, and her body, and the nasty things I was going to do to it.
I peeled off my shirt and let it slip to the ground. I loosened my belt and unzipped, relishing how the sound of the buckle hitting the floor seemed to send a fresh wave of panic through her. But she stood her ground. She looked at me defiantly, then down at my rapidly hardening cock, then back up at me again. “Don’t hold back” she had said. I liked that. It was cute.
I kicked the crumpled jeans away and gobbled her up with my eyes. Like a little girl who’s just defied her parents, she raised her chin and stared straight back at me. Behind the falling haze, a part of me was terrified. This was it. She’d run away for sure, after all this. But the haze said, so what? Then fuck her before she does. At the back of my mind, a little voice said I would be too rough, that she was too kind, too lovely, too sweet. The haze thickened around me and said, sweet? Not for very much longer…
“Get on your knees,” I said, without thinking.
She was on the floor in a split second. I sauntered up to her and stood there for a moment, enjoying her eyes as they tracked my cock swaying in front of her face. She was so pretty. I lowered my fingertips and gently stroked the side of her cheek, a little open-sesame gesture to open up that pouty mouth of hers. She opened up, obediently. I slipped inside her warm mouth. The soft pad of skin under her chin bulged as she struggled to take me all in, her eyebrows sloping as I pushed, and pushed. She was warm inside, all the little parts of her mouth and tongue trembling around my shaft, and I pushed in further still.
Her flat hand came up to touch my groin, halting me at that depth, showing me that I could go no deeper. I flicked her hand away again and smiled. Good. That only let me know exactly where I would be pushing in even more. I slid in further, and she squeezed her eyes shut, both hands clasped in her lap like a choir girl, eyebrows kinking with concentration.
Her little tongue desperately tried to suck around me, but I placed a firm hand on her head.
“Did I tell you to suck?” I growled. She stopped. I didn’t want any of that. I just wanted to be fucking in her, as far as I could go. I had fucked the rest of her so thoroughly already, but this place, this sweet little spot right at the back of her throat, this wasn’t completely mine yet.
“Don’t move,” I ordered, and she obeyed, her overactive little eyebrows going still.
I pressed in further. Pressed in so far that the flat of my stomach met her lips, and then, I went in further. Till the full length of my cock disappeared completely into her. Till my balls were against her chin. Fuck yes. Just like that.
Her legs squirmed and her chest fluttered a little as she focused on squeezing me all in. I reached down and grabbed a rough fistful of her hair, then slowly, so slow it nearly made me groan out loud, I pulled back her head and watched as the red, slick shaft of my cock slid all the way back out again, and I marveled at how she had swallowed it all, right the way to the hilt.
I was about to slam it back into her face again when I peered down and saw she had parted her kneeling legs, and had squirrelled away a little hand, a hand which was now working furiously on her clit as she held me in her mouth. She was fucking enjoying it. The haze thickened. I drew back, and slid the full length back into her again, holding her head firmly in place. And then I did it again. And again.
Her lower lashes were going damp with the strain of opening her throat for me, but not for one second did her little fingers stop. I growled and picked up the pace, burying both hands in that pretty girl hair of hers. Fuck, she felt amazing. I was too big for her. Too big by far. But come hell or high water, she was going to take every last inch of it, and I was going to make her, one way or another.
She choked a little but I kept going. I was in the haze. The small, fearful part of me was gone. All that remained was my body, and hers, the nasty things I was going to do to it. When I’d had enough I pulled upwards on her hair and brought her staggering a little to her feet. Her lips were glossy with spit and out the corner of my eye I saw her hand held off to the side, fingers also wet. She stared even more defiantly at me. Good. I was going to fuck her so hard and so good she’d be sorry she ever dared open this can of worms. Fingers still laced in her long hair, I pulled her firmly over for a kiss, and pressed a greedy tongue deep into her, guiding and angling her head as I did so. She kissed back, without resistance.
“On the floor,” I said, and released her hair. She got back onto her knees again, but I laughed, reached down to grab her shoulders, thrusting her forward and onto her hands and knees.
“Like a dog,” I said, and she dutifully hung her head low and took a deep breath. It was a side of her I had never seen before. Not ‘submissive’. Oh no, Madeleine Bright could never submit to anyone. It was more like …an offer. As she settled into her new stance she raised her ass a little and waggled it. It sent a wicked thrill through me, knowing that she knew full well what I intended to do to her.
I positioned myself behind her and with my foot, tapped the inside of both her inner thighs.
“Wider,” I said.
She spread her knees a little further apart, splitting that gorgeous cunt of her straight down the middle and giving me the most perfect view of the wet little slit down the middle. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She had said time a
nd time before how this position was too much for her, how I was too big for it, how I went in too deep that way. I grasped her round hips and with one strong pump of my hips, I sunk deeply into her and paused as she whimpered below me.
The black haze buzzed around me so much that my thinking slowed and then stopped completely. Everything dissolved into sensation, the feeling of her wet, tight body engulfing me …the shuddering sound of her breath rushing into and out of her beautiful body …the naughty sounding squelch as I buried myself deeper and deeper into her excited little pussy.
I banged my hips harder and harder into hers, fists holding tight round her waist, pushing her knees even further apart with my legs, so that she had no choice but to flop down and back onto my cock …all of it. With each stab I felt myself growing wild, becoming harder inside her, swelling and knotting up inside the glorious heat of her, the tip of me threatening to explode.
Her heavy breasts swung wildly with each thrust. I could see her slender, outstretched arms hopelessly trying to steady her against the delicious cruelty I as pounding down onto her again, and again, and again. Her greedy little pussy puffed up and slip all the way down me, barely kissing the base of my cock before stroking me all the way up again, dousing me in her sweet juices, thrust after thrust after thrust.
I knew I was being too rough. I was going too hard. Too fast. But I couldn’t stop. As I lifted her hips up and brought her down again and again onto my merciless cock, her knees nearly came off the floor entirely, and a deep guttural sound came over me at the thought of her so desperately compromised. Fucked. Utterly impaled.
I threw back my head and let the rippling of her body wash over me. The haze closed over me like a dark, formless envelope. I realized my cheeks were wet. I looked down at her magnificent backside to see it slapped raw and red. Was that me? Had I done that to her? It didn’t matter now. The haze closed over me, cleanly, and I disappeared far away into myself.
Into her.
Chapter Twenty-One – Madeleine