A sliver of fear knifes through me at such a disturbing thought.
My brain is quickly trying to process all this information when my dad finally asks, "So what were you doing out there anyway? It's kind of late to be walking around alone in the woods at night."
The lie slips out of my mouth before I can stop it. "I was just trying to get some ideas for my art project." I'm not exactly sure why I'm keeping this to myself, because for all I know, the person I was with tonight could be a psychopath. But, for some reason, I don't think so. He never once tried to hurt me. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Whoever it was stirred something unexplainable within me. And it was so much more than what I feel when I'm with Callen... which makes absolutely no sense at all.
My father nods seemingly unsurprised by my answer. "Well, next time just let us know where you're going. We thought you were up in your room. When your mother found it empty, we were worried, kiddo."
I smile but my mind is still reeling. The need to run back to the woods and find whoever was with me pounds through me like a drumbeat. But I don't. I can't. Not with my dad and Callen standing right here in front of me. "I'm sorry, you're right. I should’ve let you know where I was going. I just didn't think I'd be out here for very long."
He nods before disappearing through the back hall leaving Callen and I alone in the yard. For just a moment, I glance towards the woods wondering if the mystery boy is still out there in the darkness.
Watching me?
Watching us?
A shiver of apprehension slides its way through me and suddenly I can't walk fast enough towards Callen. I slip past him into the comforting warmth of our house. My mother's eggplant parmesan from dinner still hangs fragrant in the air, mingling with all the normal smells that make this house our home. They calm me in a way nothing else can. They wrap around me, cocooning me in familiarity.
But those arms wrapped around me were strangely comforting as well. They felt oddly familiar.
How is that even possible?
"We can stay outside if you want to finish up what you were doing."
I shake my head quickly. "No, I'm done for tonight. I found what I was looking for."
But that’s a lie... because the only thing I’ve found in the woods tonight are questions that have no answers.
Grabbing Callen's hand, I pull him into the family room. As my fingers brush over his, the memory of some other boy's fingers sliding softly over my eyes flashes through my mind and I almost stumble trying to reach the couch. I can't help but wonder who was touching me just a handful of moments ago. As much as I want to, I can't deny how alive my body felt with the prickling of recognition that spiraled through me.
Even now there's a strange sensation pounding through me... like if I could only remember what I've forgotten, then everything else would make sense. But I don't have the slightest idea what that could be.
Callen quickly reaches out to steady me. "Are you okay, Lili? You seem really preoccupied."
Meeting his eyes, I hoist my smile. It occurs to me that I have to do this entirely too often lately. "No, I'm just thinking about my art project. Trying to mentally organize my ideas."
"Oh." He looks down at our entwined fingers before bringing our clasped hands closer to his face. Running his fingers slowly over my demolished nails, he doesn't say a word, just examines each fingertip carefully before his eyes finally slide back to mine. "Seems like something's bothering you.” Then he says more softly, “I wish you would tell me what it is."
I can only stare at my gnawed-to-the-pulp fingernails in silent dismay because the telltale sign of my distress is clear for all to see. And Callen see it. He knows exactly what it means. He knows that something is wrong and the more I keep it from him, the more distance I create between us. One glance at my chewed fingernails tells him all that.
Just as I open my mouth with a denial, he adds, "Shay thinks something's up, too. You haven't been acting like yourself lately."
My mouth snaps shut at that. For reasons I don't quite understand, the idea of my best friend and Callen secretly discussing my behavior rubs me the wrong way.
"You talked to Shay about me?"
His cobalt blue eyes widen as if only now realizing the mistake he's made. "I-no- I just thought you seemed," he shrugs helplessly as if I've trapped him, "I don't know, Lili, you don't seem like your normal self lately. That's all. I was wondering if Shay had noticed it as well. I was concerned that something was wrong... between us." His broad shoulders slump forward as he finally runs out of steam.
"Why didn't you just come to me?"
We both sit down on the couch, our fingers still entwined. He studies them as if they're the most interesting thing in the world.
"I don't know... you usually tell me everything." Then he mutters more quietly, "At least you used to." His eyes flit briefly to mine and finally I see the hurt lurking deep within them. The hurt he's trying to keep hidden from me. "I guess I was hoping that Shay would tell me that there wasn't anything wrong."
"You should’ve asked me."
Just as the words slip from my tongue for a second time, I realize that I haven't been telling Callen the truth at all because he's noticed that something's been bothering me. And Shay's noticed as well. Apparently the only one I've been fooling is myself. Once again I realize that this is the perfect opportunity to come clean. To be honest with him.
But can I do that?
Can I really tell him that I'm not always sure about our relationship when I know he is?
The words are there.
They're poised on the tip of my tongue.
And I really want to push them out. I do. I'm staring into his earnest blue eyes and I know he's pleading with me for the truth. He wants to know what I'm feeling. He wants everything between us to be okay.
And I want that too.
My mom is a lawyer and she would tell me that an omission of the truth is still technically a lie. I don't want to lie to him. But when I open my mouth, nothing comes out. Staring into his imploring eyes, with our hands still entwined, I can't seem to push the truth out no matter how hard I try.
Finally I say, "There's nothing wrong, Callen. Everything's fine."
The moment the words escape, I know he doesn't believe them. With a sinking heart, I watch silently as the hurt flares to life within his eyes before quickly being shuttered away. It's too late to take them back now.
Too late to undo the lie I've just told.
As much as I want to tell him about what just happened in the woods... I can't. There are too many questions pounding away at me. And I don't have any answers. Even now I would be hard pressed to explain the strangely electric feeling that passed between the mysterious boy and me.
"Is everything really okay?" He holds my eyes before whispering, "Because it doesn't feel like it."
I squeeze his fingers tightly. "I promise, there's nothing wrong." My belly tightens as another lie rolls a little too easily off my tongue.
He hesitates, staring down at our entwined fingers again before spearing me with a hard look that arrows right to the heart of me. "Does this have anything to do with Saturday night?"
I inhale a deep breath because I've been dreading Saturday night. Even through we’ve been dating for three years, ever since eighth grade, we have yet to do it. And we’d made plans to rectify that little situation after homecoming because my parents will be out of town for the weekend. It should have been perfect. But it wasn’t. And I can't understand how I could feel that way when I'm supposed to be in love him. I should want to take that next step with him, shouldn't I?
"I guess I'm a little nervous," I admit hesitantly, "if that's what you're asking." Oh, it was way more than nerves at this point but, like so many other things, I keep that to myself.
He reaches up, touching my cheek, stroking it gently. The slide of his fingers feel nothing like what I just experienced in the woods. And for some reason, I can't dislodge that thought from my brain. H
ow is it possible that I could feel so much more of a connection with a complete stranger than I do with Callen? Someone I've known my entire life?
Everything stills within me as that one thought echoes hollowly throughout my entire being.
"You shouldn't be. We've waited a really long time to take this step. Doesn't it feel right to you?"
I hold his eyes steadily, wondering if I should take the chance and be completely honest. Say the unthinkable- that, no, it doesn't feel right.
As the silence grows, stretching and lengthening uncomfortably between us, his eyes drop to my shredded nails before once again studying them quietly. "If you're not ready, then we won't... you know... go through with it." He looks up, his eyes skewering me in place. My breath catches.
And there it is- my out. I just have to be strong enough to reach out and grab hold of it.
"Lili?"
Closing my eyes briefly, I pray for divine intervention. Some guiding force that will tell me what to do. I pause, waiting a beat, then two but nothing happens. All the decisions are, for better or worse, mine to make.
"Lili?"
My name slides softly from between his lips before I finally force myself to look up, meeting his questioning gaze.
"I'm not sure." I whisper the words in a thin reedy voice before shaking my head. "I want to be. But I'm just... not."
That, at least, is the truth.
Confused, he pulls away. It takes a moment before understanding slowly dawns across his features. Saturday night isn't going to happen. Not like he expected it would anyway. I watch as he grapples with what I’m not brave enough to actually say. I watch the play of different emotions sweep over his handsome face.
Slowly he blows out a long steady breath. "I guess I knew this was going to happen."
My brows draw together. "Oh."
Rather gently he takes my hand again. I look from that to his eyes. "Then we'll wait." Just as he says the words, a cloud settles across his features and his eyes darken. "Or do you... want to..." his words trail off but all of a sudden I understand what he's trying to say. My heart seizes at the unspoken question.
Break up.
That's what he can't say. Those are the two little words he doesn't want to release into the atmosphere. And it's what I feared most. That in letting him go, I'll end up losing one of my best friends.
"No," I shake my head, "I don't want that." Even though I'm terrified of losing him, doubt still manages to claw its way to the surface because, in all honesty, I'm not sure what I want anymore. "Do you?"
Chapter Three
"Holy crap, you're kidding, right?" With her voice raised, Shay leans towards me. She's practically lying across the thick wood table that separates us.
I shoot her a wary look before giving a small shake of my head. I'm still shell shocked and haven't, as of yet, been able to wrap my mind around what happened between Callen and I last night. The worst part is that I'm not even sure how our relationship ended up unraveling in the blink of an eye. One moment we're sitting on the couch discussing whether or not we're going to do it after homecoming and the next we're broken up.
No longer a couple.
No longer friends?
I look down at the advanced chemistry book splayed open in front of me. I've been reading the same paragraph over and over unable to make sense out of the words as they swim before my eyes.
I can't help but wonder what I've done.
What I've allowed to happen.
"Come on," Shay whispers fiercely trying once more to break through the dense fog clouding my brain, "tell me what happened- I'm dying here!"
Looking up from my book, I'm uncertain where to even begin. I don't really want to tell her what started the whole thing because she'll just think I'm an idiot. And I'm afraid at this point, I'll probably agree with her.
I am an idiot.
"Lili!"
She hisses my name and it snaps my attention back to the present but it also captures the attention of a passing librarian. She's quick to give us a censorious look before continuing with her loaded book trolley.
Feeling deflated my shoulders slump forward before I shake my head. "I don't know," I finally whisper. And I don't. That's the crazy part. I don't understand how we just crumbled into nothingness. I thought we were stronger than that.
"Did you have a fight?"
"No. We didn't fight. We hardly ever fought."
She rolls her large gray eyes. "I know. You two are so completely boring." She purses her lips for a moment. "Then maybe you aren't really broken up." She waves a manicured hand in the air trying to minimize what I know to be the truth. "I'm sure this will all blow over in a day or so." She looks as if she's considering something. "Well, I guess I won't be going to homecoming with Austin after all."
Homecoming.
Ugh.
I shake my head hastily. "No, don't cancel your plans with him." This break up is so new that I hadn't even thought about homecoming. Just when you think it can't possibly get worse... it does. "I just won't go. It's not a big deal. Really, it isn't." Actually, homecoming is the last place I want to drag myself to now that Callen and I are no longer the school's golden couple.
"Oh, you're going." Shay gives me a stern look as she continues, "You have to show your face. Don't worry, we'll go together. I'll be your date." She bats her long mascaraed lashes at me. "But don't even think about trying anything. Contrary to what everyone says- I'm not that easy."
For the first time in twenty-four hours, the corners of my lips twitch upwards. "I'll keep that in mind."
Taking a deep breath, I try settling the strange mix of emotions raging within me. Everything feels like such a gigantic mess right now. And I have absolutely no clue how to fix it or make it better. Wanting a few moments to myself, I push away from the table. "I need to find a book."
"Okay." Grimacing, she glances down at the pages in front of her. "I guess I'll actually do some studying while you're gone."
After looking up where the book in question is located, I move silently through the stacks. I can't seem to stop myself from going over the autopsy of our now DOA relationship. As I do, my hand brushes absently over the book spines lining the shelves. I can't deny that part of me wants to run back to Callen and fix this mess. But there's another part, a stronger part, that silently questions how everything could fall apart if our relationship was truly solid to begin with. And if I'm being completely honest, I keep dwelling on the boy in the woods.
Actually, I can't stop thinking about him.
He fills my every waking thought.
Finding the shelf where the book should be located, I squat down skimming over the numbers of each spine. Slowly my finger slides over each new book. Just as I find the one I've been hunting for, the delicate hair at the nape of my neck stands at attention. The feeling of being watched takes me so completely by surprise that I freeze not wanting to shift a single muscle. I blink as a shiver runs through me. My hand rests on the book but my frozen fingers are unable to pull it free of its home.
Reminding myself to breathe, I finally summon the courage to shift my head so I’m able to scan the direction from where the intense scrutiny seems to be coming from. Just as I do, I catch a blurred shape out of the corner of my eye. Before I even realize what I'm doing, I’m springing forward towards the now empty space. The book I was searching for instantly forgotten.
Someone was just there watching me!
Who else could it be but the boy from the woods? The urge to give chase, to find him, is so overwhelming that it doesn't even occur to me not to go after him. As I turn the corner, I catch another blur of shape and color before it disappears from sight. All I know is that I have to find him. There are so many questions burning through me.
Why did he steal Callen's phone?
Why did he lure me out to the woods?
Do we know each other?
Who is he?
Just as I slam around a corner, I catch yet another frust
rating glimpse of movement. Whoever it is, he's fast. I can barely keep up with him. After a few more minutes I realize that I just can't seem to catch more than a second or two of him. My hands ball into fists at my sides.
Even though my voice shakes, I say, "Stop! I just want to talk to you!"
I turn another corner, catching yet another infuriating blur of motion.
"Hey! Who are you? Why are you following me?"
All of my questions are met with echoing silence.
Skidding to a quick halt, I listen for a moment or two. Everything is quiet except for the sound of my own thundering heartbeat. Raising my hand to my chest, I rub at the sudden ache throbbing over my heart.
Looking around the dimly lit stacks, I realize that I've somehow ended up in a part of the library that looks strangely vacant. Gulping, fear bubbles up in my throat. Feeling disorientated, I spin around, unsure just which direction to move in. There were so many twists and turns. And I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I just wanted to find him. But now with the silence surrounding me, everything feels suddenly scary. My hands begin to shake as I struggle to get my bearings. In a matter of moments the trembling works its way through my entire body. Not knowing what else to do, I flatten myself against the book lined shelves.
Breathe, I tell myself, just breathe.
What am I doing?
Why am I chasing a complete stranger through a deserted part of the library? Someone who could very possibly be stalking me.
For all I know, this guy could be a serious head case. Who else would do something like this? I haven’t a clue who he is or why he’s suddenly following me. That thought must be the final straw because without warning, my legs give out and I find myself slowly sliding down the shelves until I crumple onto the thinly carpeted floor. With my head resting on my knees, I band my arms tightly around my legs.
I've never experienced anything like this before. This feeling of utter confusion. Of finding myself so completely torn by what I'm feeling. And what makes absolutely no sense is the overwhelming pull I feel towards a direction I'm so unsure of.
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