My mind cartwheels back to that fateful night as I stood before the Faerie Queen with Kalen bravely at my side. I remember him stopping me before we reached the Crystal Palace, begging me to leave the realm with him. To avoid the harsh punishment that would surely be meted out by the Faerie Queen and I refused to listen. At the time it was more important for me to prove to Ryland that I loved him above all else. Even though I knew my punishment would be harsh. It was more important for me to make some grand standing gesture of love than live without him.
And Kalen died for my childishness.
Oh God, I can live with everything but that.
Suddenly I am as exhausted by all of this as Ryland appears to be. I cannot help but crumble as wave after wave of heartache washes over me. Destroying two lives is an unexpectedly crippling sensation. I must be the most selfish person in the world. In fact, I am the most selfish person in either world I have inhabited. I curl myself up until I am nothing more than a tightly huddled mass in the middle of the soft feather mattress. How can I live with myself knowing the wreckage I so callously left in my wake? I am like a tornado that leaves behind a path of total destruction.
Two faeries died because of me.
Because of my love for Ryland.
Because of my utter selfishness.
How can I possibly live with that knowledge?
I feel his arms band around me, surrounding me with their warmth, but I cannot tolerate the comfort and so I throw them off. There is a dangerous anguish brewing within me. I can't bear for it to fester inside me like poison. I did not kill them with my own bare hands but they were sucked down with me none the less. I had a choice in the matter. They did not. Especially Kalen. Once again the breath is knocked from my lungs and I feel as if I cannot breathe. When Ryland tries once more to gather me into his strong embrace, I roll to the other side of the bed and jump off before spinning furiously towards him.
"Don't touch me!"
My words slur together with my growing agitation. "And do not tell me that everything is going to be okay because clearly it is not! I've killed two faeries! Their lives ended because of me! Because of my selfishness!" Finally I spit, "Because of my blinding love for you!"
The tears are falling furiously now. I can't seem to wipe them away quickly enough for they fall like a torrential rain storm that shows no end in sight. "How can you possibly love me when I am so selfish?" This is truly beyond me. "Isn't it apparent that I care for no one but myself?"
I am precariously close to losing it.
To becoming completely unhinged.
I can feel it happening within me.
It is the most helpless feeling and there's nothing I can do to stop it from consuming me, sucking me under, slurping me down in one hungry gulp. I have feared the inevitability of this. And here it is. Everything that has happened this day, everything I have discovered about myself, weighs heavily upon me. Crushing me with it's impossible weight.
Was it really only this morning that I was just an ordinary girl in her junior year of high school? I'd just broken up with my boyfriend and had a fight with my best friend. Normal. Completely normal stuff.
And now... and now my life is... I don't even know how to describe it. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, normal about it.
A bubble of hysteria escapes from my mouth.
I have memories of a different life from a different world.
A world filled with... faeries.
I've also just discovered that I, Lili Thornwood, am capable of great love. I'm capable of a love so boundless in its intensity, that I willingly took my own life because of it. I find out that both Ryland and I were faeries and that he conjured a spell hundreds of years ago to make me human so we could be together once more. And not only did I kill myself, but two faeries died because of me and they too are now human. They’re my closest friends. I don't even know if I'll live long enough to make it back to my world and if I do, I won't remember my one true love, Ryland, who I sacrificed everything for, including my life. Oh... and apparently I can't love anyone else because my love for him was so all encompassing.
Yep, the hysteria is full blown now.
There’s no holding it back.
No way to contain it.
I start giggling as all these thoughts coalesce within my brain. I can't help but laugh as tears course unabashedly down my face. I must look like a raving mad lunatic because I feel as if I am splintering apart into a million pieces of nothingness. Surely Ryland has to be wondering if he made a huge mistake by falling in love with me. Turning his back on the Faerie Realm for me. Well, I certainly can't blame him for that.
I'm a complete mess.
I have no idea just how long this strange hysteria takes hold of me. It's like an out of body experience. When it does finally pass, when my crazy laughter finally dies down or should I say once again morphs into inconsolable sobs, I swipe at my swollen eyes realizing that Ryland has become very quiet. He stands on the other side of the bed staring down at me with stricken eyes. One more disservice we can lay at my door. My hands fist at my sides waiting for him to say something.
Anything.
But he remains frustratingly silent.
"You can't make this go away and you can't make it better." For some reason, I want him to understand this.
His eyes hold mine solemnly. "I know. That's why I didn't want to tell you. If you had known the toll your actions would take, you never would have agreed to leave with me. You would have found a way to end it between us."
My shoulders slump at his words. "What choice would I have had?"
But how could I have possibly understood the ramifications at the time? Even now I feel the surge of connection between us. It feels as if there is some kind of magnetic force pulling us together. And these feelings are only a sliver of what I felt for him before. I remember what it felt like to love him. It was stronger. Deeper. So much more intense. At this very moment, it pounds through me and I am doing everything within my power to hold myself back. To hold it in check. To control it and not allow myself to be controlled by it the way I was before. Because right now, all I want is to fling my entire being into his arms.
But how can I possibly do that when two faeries died as a result of my blinding love for him?
Is this what our love does?
Destroys?
I willingly took my own life for love of him. My heart quivers at such a strange notion. It's so foreign to the person I am today that I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around it.
But I did.
I saw it play out in my head.
I felt it.
It's almost difficult to believe that such an intense kind of love is even possible. That it really exists. I was willing to run away from the Faerie Realm with my sister's betrothed. And I willingly came back to face the wrath of the Faerie Queen herself when I knew my traitorous actions would be punished.
I pierced my own beating heart for love of this boy.
With Callen, I just always assumed that love was supposed to feel more like friendship. I can remember lying awake in my bed at night dreaming of a love so great that it would consume me. And I would wonder if love like that truly existed or if it was nothing more than a made up fairytale. It's disturbing to realize that I experienced just such a love. The stone cold reality is that I lost so much of myself that I chose to die instead of live without him. I hold Ryland's eyes suddenly realizing that I can never go back to that. I can't ever lose so much of myself that I would choose to end my life rather than live without him.
At some point the tears slow to a trickle before finally running dry but I'm still just as confused as I was before. I’m not quite sure where we go from here.
The pull Ryland has over me is like nothing I've ever experienced before. Part of me just wants to hurtle myself into his strong arms and allow him to protect me as he wants so desperately to do. But I'm not the same girl he fell in love with. I have other experiences that have been l
ayered over the ones I now remember.
Can he understand that?
Ryland is still the same person. The same faerie he always was. It’s those thoughts have my brows drawing together as my mind turns in an altogether different direction.
My eyes rake over him, studying every aspect of his appearance. "For being hundreds of years old, you don't seem to have aged at all." From what I remember, he looks remarkably similar. It's as if no time has passed at all. "How is that possible?"
It takes him a moment to adjust to the sudden change in topic. "Time, in essence, passes in much the same way for the human world as it does in the Faerie Realm. The difference is that the aging process is much slower here. If I were to live in the human world, I would age at the same rate as you. If you were to stay here, you're aging would slow dramatically."
Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep ragged breath as everything he's told me swirls throughout my mind. I feel so overwhelmed by all of this. When I finally open my eyes, I find Ryland watching me cautiously. It suddenly occurs to me that I don't know what the Faerie Queen has planned for us. She must have given him some clue as to what she will do with us.
To us.
"What happens now?" I congratulate myself on sounding so steady and in control which is a striking contrast to my irrational behavior of about four minutes ago. He probably thinks I have bi-polar issues. The look in Ryland's eyes is so sad, so broken that for just a moment it squeezes my heart painfully before he quickly shutters it away.
The bed stands between us now like a wall and I realize that both the physical and the emotional barriers that have been erected are of my own doing. Not his. He doesn't want anything standing between us but I need it. I can't allow him to cloud my judgment.
Which he does.
Distractingly so.
Quietly he holds my eyes and I can't help but shift uncomfortably under the regard of his heavy gaze. The hurt within his deep brown eyes is so palpable that it nearly brings me to my knees. My heart yearns for him. It’s a struggle not to close the chasm that now separates us. I could do so if I wanted to. But I can't. Not yet. Right now I need to feel separated from him. It’s all too easy to feel like he is the missing puzzle piece that fits together with me, completing me.
But I don't need him protecting me, shielding me from the truth. He needs to realize that I'm not the same Lili he fell in love with. I'm just about to open my mouth and blast him with this information when he says quietly, "There will be a hunt tomorrow morning."
I raise my brows.
A hunt?
For the first time since arriving at the palace, something finally loosens within me and I almost snicker to myself in relief. Are we going to be chasing small furry defenseless creatures through the countryside? Will we trail after a running pack of barking dogs on horseback? That's how it's done, right?
"What's being hunted?" I wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Because I'm not really into killing animals. It's cruel. In fact, I would go vegan if I didn't love bacon so much."
He doesn't answer immediately and just as I start to chafe at his silence he murmurs, "Us."
Chapter Eighteen
He’s joking... right?
Unfortunately the expression marring his handsome face clearly says otherwise. My belly tightens painfully at the realization.
Oh.
He's serious.
Dead serious.
"Is that even legal?" Just as the words shoot out of my mouth I remember that I'm not in the human world (and how weird does that sound?). I'm in the Faerie Realm and apparently hunting people and/or faeries is a perfectly legal and acceptable form of leisurely pursuit.
Turning his back to me, Ryland finally collapses onto the bed. Watching as his shoulders slump, I can't help but be drawn to him. Ever since finding him in the meadow, I can't deny the internal struggle being waged within me regarding my feelings for him.
And my need to contain them.
To understand them before acting upon them
That being said, it doesn't mean that seeing him hurting doesn't tug painfully at my heart. Or that I don't want to protect him in much the same manner he's been trying to protect me because the urge to do so is surprisingly strong and instinctive within me. In the end, his lure is much too powerful for me to resist.
Standing before him, I take his hands in my own. His eyes fasten onto mine and, without a single word between us, we simply hold each other's gazes. Even in our silence, I feel the bond between us strengthening, solidifying into something more. Something deeper, something more meaningful.
"It was a mistake to bring you here. I should have left you where you would be safe. Where you belonged."
Something within me seizes painfully at his words. Even though he’s only just come into my life (my human one anyway) I can no longer imagine one without him in it. I can't bear for him to think that I was somehow better off without him. His anguish is my undoing. The simple act of holding his hand is not nearly enough contact, so I wrap my arms around his neck pulling him towards me.
As my eyes rove hungrily over his face, I can't help but dwell on his words. Perhaps I would have been safer in my own world but I can't imagine never holding him in my arms as I’m doing right now. Perhaps, had he not found me, I would have lived a perfectly normal life but I would have never experienced a love like this. I tried for years to force myself into feeling more for Callen than I actually did. But I couldn't make it happen.
All I have to do is look at Ryland to understand why it wasn’t possible. The difference between them is staggering. What I feel for him cannot be denied but I wonder if it can somehow be contained. I can't allow it to burn out of control again. I don't want to be destroyed as I was before. I don't want others destroyed because of what we feel for one another.
"Don't say that. I can't imagine not knowing you or never understanding why I couldn't love someone else." With Ryland I feel everything I was trying so hard to force with Callen. But it's a delicate balance. I can't lose myself like I did before. The whole we-might-die-today thing really sucks but I finally remember what it feels like to have that kind of all-consuming love overtake my senses.
I wouldn't give up that knowledge for the world.
His or mine.
"I'm glad you brought me here. I'm glad I finally know."
"How can you be?" He holds my gaze steadily with his deep brown eyes and something twists painfully within me.
Doesn't he understand?
"Before you found me, I didn't think I was capable of loving someone else. Not deeply. Not passionately. And I would wonder if there was something wrong with me. But there's not because when I'm with you... I feel it. It's," I pause trying to gather myself, "it's as wonderful and as scary as I always imagined it would be. Without you, I wouldn't have ever understood that. Or experienced it. How can I be sorry for that? You've given me back a piece of myself that I didn't even know was missing."
"But I've also put you in danger."
I nod my head in agreement. We’re definitely in danger. "We'll figure it out. Together."
Something lifts within him. I see it rising within his eyes before it crashes once more to the ground.
I don't want to know, but I have no other choice in the matter. Knowledge is power and we're going to need every little bit we can find. "So tell me about this hunt."
Now that I’m truly looking at Ryland, I see the tiny chinks in his armor. He's worried. Deeply so. He's not as strong as he would have me believe. That knowledge only makes me want him more. I want to protect him just as much as he's trying to protect me.
He searches my gaze carefully, quietly. I can only assume that he's trying to assess how I'm taking all this. After all, it was hardly more than ten or fifteen minutes ago that I was laughing and crying hysterically like I'd finally lost my mind. I should probably be embarrassed by my breakdown, but I'm not. I just needed to release some of the pent up emotions churning within me. Like the total confusion at realizing tha
t I've lived another life in a totally different world. Not to mention the feelings I have for Ryland that are almost too powerful, too strong, too encompassing. And the attraction between us that keeps tugging and pulling at me. Continuously resisting its lure is exhausting.
"It's just as terrible as it sounds."
I squeeze his hands. "I don't want you to lie to me, to protect me from the truth. I need to know what we're up against."
He sighs, nodding. "What happened to you-" he can't quite bring himself to say the words, "that would be considered far more merciful, compassionate even, compared to this."
Something cold slithers down my spine as I think about what he's saying. Because... well, I died. I was forced to take my own life. Can it really be any worse than that?
My eyes search his and what I see reflected within them chills me.
"We'll be given a grand dinner, here in our room. Seven courses," he continues, "anything you want will be provided."
Okay... that doesn't sound so terrible.
"Sort of like a last supper."
I gulp, my eyes widening. Well, that implies never eating again. So yeah, that sounds pretty bad.
"Then we won't eat. They can't force us!"
Slowly he shakes his head. "No, you have to eat. You'll need all the energy you can get so you can run."
"Run?" My voice is very small voice.
"We'll be given an hour to start out on foot-"
"What happens after an hour?" I lean closer, my words nothing more than a whisper that feathers across his cheeks.
"The hunt will begin."
I'm almost afraid to ask. "Who will be hunting us?" Because I think I can imagine-
"The faerie guard. They'll ride out after us on horseback."
I gulp again only this time it's fairly difficult because my mouth has gone completely dry. I recall the thunderous way they came crashing towards us only hours ago. And they weren't even trying to kill us then. Only capture us. I don't even want to imagine what it would feel like if they were riding after us with murderous intent in their eyes.
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