by Maeve Binchy
“Thank you so much for your help,” said Kathy Clarke, hitching up her school skirt and going into the lift that would take her to meet her father.
“Miss Clarke?” Penny said. Penny was like someone from a beauty contest. She wore a cream-colored suit and had very high-heeled black shoes. Around her neck she wore a thick black necklace.
“That’s right.” Kathy wished she were better-looking and older and well dressed.
“Come this way, please. Mr. Malone will see you in the conference room. Coffee?”
“That would be very nice, thank you.”
She was shown into a room with a pale wood table, and eight chairs around it. There were paintings on the wall, not just pictures behind glass like they had in school, but real paintings. There were flowers on the windowsill, fresh flowers, arranged that morning. She sat and waited.
In he came, young, handsome, younger-looking than Fran, although he had been a year older.
“Hallo,” he said, with a big smile from ear to ear.
“Hallo,” she said. There was a silence.
At that moment Penny arrived with the coffee. “Shall I leave it?” she asked, dying to stay.
“Thanks, Pen,” he said.
“Do you know who I am?” she asked when Penny had left.
“Yes,” he said.
“Were you expecting me?”
“Not for about two or three more years, to be honest.” His grin was attractive.
“And what would you have done then?”
“What I’ll do now—listen…”
It was a clever thing to say, he was leaving it all to her.
“Well, I just wanted to come and see you,” she said a little uncertainly.
“Absolutely,” he said.
“To know what you looked like.”
“And now you do.” He was warm as he said it, he was warm and welcoming. “What do you think?” he asked.
“You look fine,” she said reluctantly.
“And so do you, very fine,” he said.
“I only just found out, you see,” she explained.
“I see.”
“So, that’s why I had to come and talk to you.”
“Sure, sure.” He had poured them coffee and left her to add milk and sugar if she wished.
“You see, until this week I honestly thought I was Mam and Dad’s daughter. It’s been a bit of a shock.”
“Fran didn’t tell you that she was your mother?”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Well, when you were younger I can understand, but when you were older surely…?”
“No, she thought I sort of understood, but I didn’t. I thought she was just a marvelous elder sister. I wasn’t too bright, you see.”
“You look fine and bright to me.” He seemed genuinely to admire her.
“I’m not as it happens. I’m a hard worker and I’ll get there in the end, but I don’t have quick leaps of understanding, not like my friend Harriet. I’m a bit of a plodder.”
“So am I as it happens. You take after your father then.”
It was such an extraordinary moment there in this office. He was admitting he was her father. She felt almost light-headed. But she had no idea where to go now. He had taken away all her arguments. She thought he would have blustered, and denied things and excused himself. But he had done nothing like this.
“You wouldn’t have got a job like this if you were just a plodder.”
“My wife is very wealthy, I am a charming plodder, I don’t upset people. In a way that’s why I am here.”
“But you got to be an accountant all by yourself before you met her, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I got to be an accountant, not here exactly. And I hope you’ll meet my wife one day, Katherine. You’ll like her, she’s a very, very nice woman.”
“It’s Kathy, and I couldn’t like her. I am sure she is very nice, but she wouldn’t want to meet me.”
“Yes, if I tell her I would like it. We do things to please each other, I would meet someone to please her.”
“But she doesn’t know I exist.”
“Yes she does. I told her, a long time ago. I didn’t know your name, but I told her that I had a daughter, a daughter I didn’t see but would probably meet when she was grown up.”
“You didn’t know my name?”
“No. When all the business happened Fran said she would just tell me if it was a girl or a boy, that was all.”
“That was the deal?” Kathy said.
“You put it very well. That was the deal.”
“She’s very kind about you, she thinks you were great in all this.”
“And what message does she send me?” He was very relaxed, gentle, not watchful or anything.
“She has no idea I’m here.”
“Where does she think you are?”
“At school up in Mountainview.”
“Mountainview? Is that where you are?”
“There isn’t much money out of four thousand pounds sixteen years ago to send me to a posh place,” Kathy said with spirit.
“So you know about the deal?”
“I heard it all at the same time, in one night. I realized she was not my sister and that you had sold me.”
“Is that how she put it?”
“No. It’s how it is, she puts it differently.”
“I’m very sorry. It must have been a bad, bleak kind of thing to hear.”
Kathy looked at him. That’s exactly what it had been. Bleak. She had thought about the unfairness of the deal. Her mother was poor, and could be paid off. Her father was the son of privileged people and didn’t have to pay for his fun. It had made her think the system was always loaded against people like her, and always would be. Odd that he understood exactly the feeling.
“Yes it was. It is.”
“Well, tell me what you want from me. Tell me and we can talk about it.”
She had been going to demand everything under the sun for Fran and for herself. She had been going to make him realize that it was too late in the twentieth century for the rich to get away with everything. But somehow it wasn’t easy to say all this to the man who sat easily and warmly giving every impression of being pleased to see her rather than horrified.
“I’m not sure yet what I want. It’s all a bit soon.”
“I know. You haven’t had time to work out how you feel yet.” He didn’t look relieved or off the hook, he sounded sympathetic.
“It’s still hard for me to take in, you see.”
“And for me, meeting you too. That’s hard to take in.” He was putting himself in the same boat.
“Aren’t you annoyed I came?”
“No, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m delighted you came to see me. I’m only sorry that life was hard up to now and then it got worse with this shock. That’s what I feel.”
She felt a lump in her throat. He couldn’t have been more different than she had thought. Was it possible that this man was her father? That if things had been different he and Fran would have been married and she would be their eldest girl?
He took out a business card and wrote a number on it. “This is my direct line. Ring this and you won’t have to go through the whole system,” he said. It seemed almost too slick, as if he was arranging not to have explanations. Avoiding the people at work knowing about his nasty little secret.
“Aren’t you afraid I might ring you at home?” she asked, sorry to break the mood of his niceness but determined that she would not allow herself to be conned by him.
He still had his pen in his hand. “I was about to write down my home number as well. You can call me anytime.”
“And what about your wife?”
“Marianne will be happy to speak to you too of course. I shall tell her tonight that you came to see me.”
“You’re very cool, aren’t you?” Kathy said with a mixture of admiration and resentment.
“I’m calm, I suppose, on the exterior, but inside I�
��m very excited. Who wouldn’t be? To meet a handsome grown-up daughter for the first time and to realize that it was because of me you came into the world.”
“And do you ever think of my mother?”
“I thought of her for a while, as we all think of our first love, and more than that because of what happened and because you had been born. But then since it wasn’t going to happen, I went on and thought of other things and other people.”
It was the truth, Kathy couldn’t deny that.
“What will I call you?” she asked suddenly.
“You call Fran, Fran, can’t you call me Paul?”
“I’ll come and see you again, Paul,” she said, standing up to leave.
“Anytime you want me I’ll be here, Kathy,” said her father.
They put out a hand each, but when they touched he drew her to him and hugged her. “It will be different from now on, Kathy,” he said, “Different and better.”
AS SHE WENT back to school in the bus Kathy scraped off her lipstick and eyeshadow. She rolled up Harriet’s mother’s jacket into the canvas bag and went along to rejoin the classes.
“Well?” demanded Harriet.
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean ‘nothing’?”
“Nothing happened.”
“You mean you took all that gear and went to his office and he didn’t touch you?”
“He sort of hugged me,” Kathy said.
“I expect he’s impotent,” Harriet said wisely. “In the magazines you always hear of women writing in about that sort of thing, there seems to be a lot of it about.”
“It could be, I suppose,” said Kathy, and took out her geography textbook.
Mr. O’Brien, who still took senior geography even though he was principal, looked at her over his half glasses. “Your flu better all of a sudden, Kathy?” he said suspiciously.
“Yes, thank God, Mr. O’Brien,” Kathy said. It wasn’t actually rude or defiant, but she spoke to him as an equal not a pupil.
That child has come on a lot since the beginning of term, he said to himself. He wondered had it anything to do with the Italian classes, which by some miracle had proved not to be the total disaster he had predicted but a huge success.
MAM HAD GONE to Bingo, Dad was at the pub. Fran was at home in the kitchen.
“You’re a bit late, Kathy. Everything all right?”
“Sure, I took a bit of a walk. I learned all the parts of the body for class tonight. You know she’s going to put us into pairs and ask Dov’è il gomito and you have to touch your partner’s elbow.”
Fran was pleased to see her happy. “Will I make us a toasted sandwich to give us energy for all this?”
“Great. Do you know the feet?”
“I piedi. I learned them at lunchtime.” Fran grinned. “We’re going to be teacher’s pets, you and I.”
“I went to see him today,” Kathy said.
“Who?”
“Paul Malone.”
Fran sat down. “You’re not serious.”
“He was very nice, very nice indeed. He gave me his card. Look, he gave me his direct line and his home number.”
“I don’t think it was a wise thing to do,” Fran said eventually.
“Well, he seemed quite pleased. In fact he said he was glad I did.”
“He did?”
“Yes. And he said I could come anytime and go to his house and meet his wife if I wanted to.” Fran’s face seemed empty suddenly. As if all the life had gone out of it. It was as if someone had put a hand into her head and switched something off. Kathy was puzzled. “Well, aren’t you pleased? There was no row, no scene, just normal and natural as you said it was. He understood that it had all been a bit of a shock, and he said from now on it would be different. ‘Different and better,’ those were his words.”
Fran nodded, it was as if she wasn’t able to speak. She nodded again and got out the words. “Yes, that’s good. Good.”
“Why aren’t you glad? I thought this is what you’d like.”
“You have every right to get in touch with him and to be part of all he has. I never meant to deny you that.”
“It isn’t a question of that.”
“It is a question of that. You’re right to feel short-changed when you see a man like that who has everything—tennis courts, swimming pools, chauffeurs probably.”
“That’s not what I was looking for,” Kathy began.
“And then you come back to a house like this, and go to a school like Mountainview and you’re meant to think that going to some bloody evening class that I scrimp and save for is a treat. No wonder you hope things are going to be…what is it, ‘different and better’?”
Kathy looked at her in horror. Fran thought she wanted Paul Malone instead of her. That she had been swayed and dazzled by a momentary meeting with a man she had not heard of until a few days ago.
“It’s only better because now I know everything. Nothing else will change,” she tried to explain.
“Of course.” Fran was clipped and tight now. She was spreading the cheese on bread, with two slices of tomato each, and putting it under the grill as if she were a robot.
“Fran, stop. I don’t want any of that. Listen. Don’t you understand? I had to see him. You were right, he’s not a monster, he’s nice.”
“I’m glad I told you.”
“But you’ve got it wrong. Look, ring him yourself, ask him. It’s not that I want to be with him rather than you. It’s only just to see him the odd time. That’s all. Talk to him on the phone then you’ll understand.”
“No.”
“Why? Why not? Now that I’ve sort of paved the way.”
“Sixteen years ago I made a bargain. There was a deal, I would not contact them again and I never did.”
“But I didn’t make that deal.”
“No, and am I criticizing you? I said you had every right. Isn’t that what I said?” Fran served them the cheese on toast and poured a glass of milk each.
Kathy felt inexpressibly sad. This kind woman had slaved for her, making sure that there was everything she needed. There would have been no pints of nice cold milk at the ready, no hot suppers cooked, if it were not for Fran. Now she had even let slip that she had scrimped and saved for the Italian classes. No wonder she was hurt and upset at the thought that Kathy might, after all this sacrifice, be prepared to forget the years of love and commitment. That she might be blinded by the unaccustomed thought of access to real wealth and comfort.
“We should go now for the bus,” Kathy said.
“Sure, if you want to.”
“Of course I want to.”
“Right then.” Fran put on a coat that had seen better days. She changed into her good shoes, which weren’t all that good. Kathy remembered the soft Italian leather shoes that her father wore. She knew that they were very, very expensive.
“Avanti,” she said. And they ran for the bus.
AT THE LESSON Fran was paired with Luigi. His dark, menacing frown seemed somehow more sinister than ever tonight.
“Dov’è il cuore?” Luigi asked. His Dublin accent made it hard to know which part of the body he was talking about. “Il cuore,” said Luigi again, annoyed.
“Il cuore, the most important part of the body for God’s sake.”
Fran looked at him vaguely. “Non so,” she said.
“Of course you know where your bloody cuore is.” Luigi was getting more unpleasant by the moment.
Signora helped her out. “Con calma per favore,” Signora came in to make the peace. She lifted Fran’s hand and put it on her heart. “Ecco il cuore.”
“It took you long enough to find it,” Luigi grumbled.
Signora looked at Fran. She was quite different tonight. Normally she was part of everything and encouraging the child to participate as well.
Signora had checked with Peggy Sullivan. “Did you tell me that Miss Clarke was the mother of the sixteen-year-old girl?” she asked.
&n
bsp; “Yes, she had her when she was only that age herself. Her mam brought the girl up, but she’s Miss Clarke’s child, it’s well known.”
Signora realized that it had not been known to Kathy. But they were both different this week. Perhaps it was known now. Guiltily she hoped she had played no part in it.
KATHY WAITED A week before she called Paul Malone on his private line.
“Is this a good time to talk?” she asked.
“I have someone with me at the moment but I do want to speak, so please can you hold on a moment?” She heard him getting rid of someone else. An important person maybe. A well-known personality, for all she knew.
“Kathy?” His voice was warm and welcoming.
“Did you mean it that we could meet somewhere sometime, not rushed like in an office?”
“Of course I meant it. Will you have lunch with me?”
“Thank you, when?”
“Tomorrow. Do you know Quentin’s?”
“I know where it is.”
“Great. Will we say one o’clock? Does that fit in with school?”
“I’ll make it fit in with school.” She was grinning and she felt him smile too.
“Sure, but I don’t want you getting into trouble.”
“No, I’ll be fine.”
“I’m glad you rang,” he said.
SHE WASHED HER hair that night and dressed with care, her best school blouse and she had taken the stain remover to her blazer.
“You’re meeting him today,” Fran said as she watched Kathy polish her shoes.
“I’ve always said you should have been in Interpol,” Kathy said.
“No, you’ve never said that.”
“It’s just for lunch.”
“I told you, it’s your right if you want to. Where are you going?”
“Quentin’s.” She had to tell the truth. Fran would have to know sooner or later. She wished he hadn’t picked somewhere quite as posh, somewhere so far from their ordinary world.
Fran managed to find the words of encouragement. “Well, that will be nice, enjoy it. All of it.”
KATHY REALIZED HOW little part in their lives Mam and Dad seemed to play these days, they were just there in the background. Had it always been like that and she just hadn’t noticed? She told the duty teacher that she had a dentist’s appointment.