“You don’t have to start anywhere, not right now. Take a nap. Watch TV. Read. Think about whatever you want that’s not what’s waiting for you. You won’t have a choice but to think about it soon enough, so take the next few days not to, yeah?”
Josiah’s shoulders slumped. “I guess. Thank you, Kaspar. I’m still wondering what the fuck I was thinking, but I’m not freaking out anymore.”
Kaspar watched Josiah as he slowly walked up the stairs. He wished he could do more, but there was no other way for him to help. Josiah had accepted the role of the coyote alpha, and apparently, of the coyote council member. It was going to take some time for him to get used to it, but Kaspar would remind him as many times as he needed that he wasn’t alone in this. Things wouldn’t be easy, but they also wouldn’t be as hard as Josiah seemed to think they would.
Or at least, Kaspar hoped they wouldn’t.
He heard the door of Josiah’s bedroom close, then looked around in search of Julian. Kaspar had no idea where he was, but he explored the downstairs rooms. He stopped when he heard someone throwing up in the bathroom. He wasn’t sure it was Julian, but Julian was nowhere to be seen, and unless he’d left the house entirely, he had to be there.
Kaspar knocked on the door. “Julian?”
“Give me a second.”
It was Julian puking in the bathroom. Kaspar frowned, wondering what was wrong with him. Julian had been especially stressed since he’d agreed to be the carrier council member, and while Kaspar had done his best to help him, he couldn’t work miracles. There was nothing he could do against the meetings, the hours Julian spent working, and the stress. “Are you okay?”
The toilet flushed, and the door opened a few moments after that. Julian was pale, but when Kaspar reached for him, he shook his head. “I’m fine.”
“That didn’t sound like you were fine. It sounded like you were throwing up everything back to Christmas dinner.”
Julian tried to smile, but it wasn’t convincing. “I’m fine, I promise. I’m just overworked and not used to being around all these people. You know that. It’s why I’m stressed, but I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. I’ll have to, won’t I?”
“Maybe I should call Estelle.”
Julian grimaced. “No offense to her, but I’d rather not see her.”
“She’s the cete’s healer. You’re going to have to see her eventually.” Especially if he continued throwing up. Kaspar hoped he was right and that it was just stress, but he doubted that was the case.
“Considering how our last meeting went, I’d rather not.” He reached for Kaspar and took his hand. “I’m fine. I promise. It’s just stress,” he repeated as if that would be enough for both of them to believe it. He looked around. “Where’s Josiah?”
“He went to his bedroom. I told him to get some rest, and the same goes for you. Why don’t we go to our bedroom? You can get into bed and have a nap.”
“I have too much work to do.”
“And it can all wait until you rest. Come on. Overworking yourself to the point in which you’re throwing up won’t help anyone, least of all you and Josiah.”
It took a few more moments to convince Julian to go upstairs, but Kaspar finally managed. He guided Julian to his bedroom, still wondering what was going on. He knew Julian hadn’t been feeling well for a while, and while he’d allowed Julian to brush him off until now, he wasn’t sure he could anymore. It hadn’t been as bad as it was now, but something was seriously wrong, and Kaspar was going to have to find a way around Julian’s stubbornness. He wasn’t sure he could, but he needed to. He couldn’t lose Julian, not now that he finally had him and they were planning to have a family together.
* * * *
Julian was worried, but he hoped Kaspar hadn’t noticed. He’d been feeling weird for a while, but he didn’t want to see Estelle. He didn’t want her poking at him. He wasn’t used to it, and the first—and last—time they’d met, she’d had bad news for him. If he was sick, if something was happening to him, he didn’t want to know yet. It was probably stupid to bury his head in the sand, but he couldn’t help it. He had other things to focus on, and they took precedence. He already knew Kari and Kaspar would yell at him when they found out, but right now, it didn’t matter.
“Are you sure you don’t want to see the healer?” Kaspar asked as they climbed the stairs.
Julian shook his head. “There’s no need to call Estelle. I’m fine. Just tired.” And he was. He’d been feeling overly tired for several weeks, but he’d put it on his new job and the back and forth between the cete and the council building. Maybe it was more than that, though. He’d never been so tired that he had thrown up, and he wasn’t sure that was why he’d been sick, but eventually, he would have to find out.
He allowed Kaspar to steer him into their bedroom. They hadn’t moved in together officially, but it was a given that Kaspar would spend the night with Julian. Julian let Kaspar help him sit on the bed and take his shoes off, then his jeans. It felt incredibly vulnerable, and Julian wouldn’t have allowed anyone but Kaspar to do this for him.
But he trusted Kaspar. He trusted him with his heart and with his life. Kaspar wouldn’t betray him.
He was worried, though. That much was obvious in the way he was frowning as Julian slid under the blankets. Julian should probably get up. He had things to do. He already knew Kaspar would allow none of that, though. He might even call Estelle, and that was the last thing Julian wanted. He did not want more bad news from her.
So he pressed his head against the pillow and closed his eyes.
He wasn’t surprised to hear Kaspar undress and slip under the blankets next to him. He rolled to his side and snuggled against Kaspar, smiling when Kaspar’s arms wrapped around him.
He prayed he wasn’t sick. He wanted this to continue. He’d just found happiness and was finally beginning to live a life he’d wanted for decades. It wouldn’t be fair for life to take it away.
But then, life wasn’t fair, was it?
Kaspar kissed Julian’s forehead. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked in a whisper.
“I’m tired.” And Julian was, so much so.
“Being tired doesn’t make you throw up. I’m worried, Julian.”
Julian kissed Kaspar’s naked shoulder. “You don’t have to be worried. I promise I’m fine.”
He knew Kaspar wasn’t convinced. There was nothing else he could tell him, though.
“If you’re sick again, we’re calling the healer,” Kaspar said. His voice was uncompromising, and Julian had to say yes.
He didn’t want to, but he wasn’t stupid enough not to realize that if things got worse, he would have to see Estelle. “I promise. I’ll call her if I feel sick.”
“I wish you would see her now.”
“I will if things get worse.” Julian didn’t want to talk about it again, though. He didn’t want to think about it.
It was too easy to obsess over the fact that he might be sick and that he could lose everything he was working for soon. He didn’t know what it could be. He’d spent twenty-five years alone in the forest. He hadn’t seen a healer for all that time, and God only knew what it had done to his body. He’d been lucky until now, but it looked like his luck might have come to an end, and he wasn’t ready to deal with that.
“How did the meeting go?” Kaspar asked.
Julian was grateful for the change in topic. “Good. Well, unless you ask Josiah. He’ll tell you it was a disaster.”
“He said he’s both the coyote alpha and the coyote council member?”
“He fired Jacqueline in front of everyone. You should have seen it. I was so damn proud of him.”
“I can imagine. How did he end up being the council member, though?”
“Jacqueline pointed out that he would need to appoint a new council member to replace her. I’m pretty sure he panicked and decided it was going to be him because he couldn’t think of
anyone else. And I get it. He hasn’t had the best relationship with the band, and he’s probably not sure who should take Jacqueline’s place, not when the band ignored his abuse for so long when they could have intervened. The new council member needs to be a good person, which right now doesn’t seem to be available, at least not in the band.”
“He’s going to overwork. He needs to focus on being the alpha, not a council member.”
“I know. I’ll do everything I can to help him. There was no other choice, though. Jacqueline was making a fuss about him being a carrier and therefore not being allowed to be an alpha.”
“And I imagine that some of the council members were on her side.”
“They were. But they were the minority, even more so now that Jacqueline isn’t in the picture anymore.”
“Will she stay out of the picture, though?”
They both knew the answer to that, and it was no. Jacqueline wasn’t going to roll over and let Josiah do what he wanted. She was going to fight. She was used to holding a place of privilege. She’d been the coyote council member for years, and she enjoyed the authority and the power over people she considered inferior to her. She would find a way to get back at Josiah, and that scared Julian. She was ruthless, much more than Josiah was. Julian couldn’t even begin to imagine what she would do, but he knew Josiah would be defenseless from it.
Kaspar kissed his forehead again. “We’ll take care of him.”
“I know. I’m still worried.” Julian had to remember that Josiah wasn’t alone anymore, just like he wasn’t.
“Maybe we can talk to Thomas and see if he will give Josiah a bodyguard like he did with you.”
“The council should probably do that. They promised him a team to keep him safe and to help him once he went back to the band.”
Jasper sighed. “I’m not looking forward to that. I’m going to miss him.”
“So will I, but he’s starting a new chapter in his life. He needs all the support he can get.”
“And he’ll have it.”
Everything was changing, wasn’t it? Josiah would eventually leave to become the coyote alpha. Chris and Nico were already gone. Kari was living with Calder, and he was going to have a baby. Julian was the carrier council member, something he had never thought could happen.
And Kaspar. Julian hadn’t seen that coming, either, and he was glad he hadn’t resisted. The age difference didn’t matter anymore, and it probably never had. It had been a way for Julian to keep himself safe and separated from Kaspar and the others, but not anymore. This was where he belonged. He wanted to protect the carriers and to be with Kaspar.
And whatever illness he had, it was threatening that. He wasn’t sure what he would do once he couldn’t avoid talking to Estelle anymore, but he didn’t like how easy it was for him to imagine the worst. Maybe it was because before, the worst thing that could happen always happened. Julian knew how Josiah felt. No one had ever raised a finger to help him when he was still a boy and his alpha, one of the people who should have protected him, had raped him and gotten him pregnant. He knew no one would have helped if he’d stayed and given birth to Kari. His life would have been hell, and he might have been one of the carriers who were rescued recently.
Or he might have been dead. He was forty-two. He doubted his alpha would have wanted him for this long, especially if he’d managed to get him pregnant more than once. He would have discarded Julian, and the thought made Julian shiver.
Kaspar’s arms tightened around him. “Everything okay?”
Julian had to breathe through the memories that hadn’t happened. It was so easy for him to imagine that they might as well have. “I’m fine.” He really wasn’t, but what could he say? There was nothing Kaspar, or anyone else for that matter, could do or say to make this better.
Julian’s life had gone the best way it could have considering the circumstances. He needed to remember that instead of thinking about things that could have happened.
He was safe. He was happy. There was no way for him to know how long that would last, so he should make the most of it while he had it.
Chapter Ten
Julian was in the living room going over some documents when he heard the front door open. He leaned back against the couch, trying to see who it was. The house was quiet, which was a small miracle. Everyone seemed to be either in their bedrooms or outside in the forest playing around in their animal form. Julian was jealous. He wanted to shift and play around, too, but he was working, and that took precedence. Maybe if he was quick enough, he could still join the others when he was done.
Seamus waddled in. The sight made Julian smile. It reminded him of when he’d been pregnant with Kari, and he got to his feet to welcome him. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
Seamus jerked, then grimaced. “I didn’t hear you arrive.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to surprise you. Are you okay?” Because he didn’t look okay. He was grimacing and holding a hand to his back. Of course, that was normal. With how big his stomach was, he probably needed help for balance. Julian wasn’t convinced that was what was happening, though.
Seamus shrugged. “I’ve been better.”
Julian frowned and gently steered Seamus toward the couch. “Sit down. You shouldn’t spend too much time on your feet. What are you doing here? Do you need to see someone?”
Seamus shook his head. “I just needed to get away from the house for a bit. The walls were closing in on me.”
That was something Julian could understand. “Cabin fever?”
“That, and Alex is going crazy. You’d think I was about to give birth by the way he’s been behaving.”
Julian sat next to him. “How long do you still have?”
“Estelle says a month.” He grimaced. “I’ll be honest. I kind of want this to be over. I liked being pregnant in the beginning, but I’m done with it now.”
Julian laughed. “I remember that all too well. You still have a month, though.”
Seamus rubbed his stomach. “I know. I want her to be okay, so I don’t want her to rush, but still. I hate running around and not being able to see my feet.” He wrinkled his nose. “And my dick. It’s getting hard to go to the bathroom.”
Julian chuckled. “That’s what you have Alex for, isn’t it?”
“Nope. That is one thing I don’t want Alex to help me with. I know he loves me, but that’s one step too far.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk to you about this stuff. It’s private and whatever. I know. But I don’t want Alex to help me in that situation. It’s already bad enough that he has to put my shoes on for me.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t care.” If anything, he was probably more than happy to do it and much more for Seamus.
“I know. That doesn’t mean I want him to do it.”
“He makes things easier for you, though. That’s a good thing.”
Seamus grimaced. “I’m sorry. I’m grateful for everything he does, even though it doesn’t sound like it. And I shouldn’t whine. I don’t have a reason to.”
“Don’t worry about it. I might have had Kari a while ago, but I still remember how it was. You have every right to whine. You’re growing a baby inside you.”
“Are you sure? Because you don’t look like you’re okay. I’m really sorry I was an ass. Your situation was so much worse than mine, and I’m ready to bet you didn’t whine.”
“I’m fine. I promise.” Actually, Julian wasn’t fine. He was still feeling queasy, and he still hadn’t seen Estelle. Kaspar would have his ass if he didn’t make an appointment, and not in a good way, but it was easier for Julian just to push it back and promise he would go eventually.
Seamus grimaced again and rubbed his back. He had to lean forward to do that, but it was hard in his condition.
Julian supported him, then helped him rub his back. It might be a too-intimate gesture, but he remembered all too well what the end of his pregnancy had be
en like, and he wished Seamus didn’t feel so bad. “What’s going on?” he asked.
Seamus shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just my back. Estelle warned me that it would hurt, with all the weight I’m carrying in my front, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”
Julian frowned. “Your back hurts.”
“Yes. It’s been hurting badly since last night.”
“And nothing you’ve done helped?” That didn’t sound good, or rather, it sounded like Seamus might be in labor.
“Nothing. Alex gave me a massage, and I took a bath, but it still hurts. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to leave the house. I need to focus on something that’s not the pain.”
“That’s the only thing you’re feeling?”
Seamus shrugged. “My entire body hurts, but then I guess that’s what being pregnant is about.”
Julian didn’t want to alarm Seamus, but if he really was in labor, they needed to get him to Estelle, and fast. He’d been having contractions since last night, and he hadn’t realized what was happening. He might be close to having Scarlet, and while Julian had given birth to Kari on his own, he didn’t want to risk Seamus’s life or his daughter’s, not when Estelle was close by.
He cleared his throat. “I don’t want you to panic,” he started.
Seamus’s eyes widened. “If you say that, it’s a guarantee I am going to panic. Just spill the beans, Julian.”
“I think you might be in labor.”
Seamus shook his head. “It’s not possible. She still has a month to go.”
“Some babies come sooner than expected. It shouldn’t be a problem, but we need to get you to Estelle.”
Seamus was pale now. “All right. Are you sure I’m in labor?”
“Not a hundred percent, but then, I’m not a healer. But the fact that your back has been aching since last night might mean that you’re about to give birth. It sounds like you’ve been having contractions for a while. I’d rather be safe than sorry.”
In Spite of Everything Page 13