“Thank you,” I said. “So, do we have a deal, Selena?”
Selena looked out into the club below. “I’ll see what I can do. No promises, though.”
With that, Selena and the Red Schoolgirl departed, the Human Tank following them for backup. That left us alone in Selena’s booth with a bunch of half-drunk apple cider martinis and a host of new problems.
“Spy-der?” Mandy asked. “Really? You hate spiders.”
“Spiders frighten me,” I said, remembering my semi-dark and traumatic childhood. “Kerri used to have a huge collection of tarantulas when she wasn’t much older than Gizmo’s age and dumped them all in my bed once so we could be friends. Their ghosts haunted me for years.”
“And I thought my family was cruel.” Amanda shuddered. “Spiders. Blech.”
Mandy rolled her eyes.
“Where are we going to get seven hundred and fifty million dollars?” Amanda said. “Because they’re going to want a down payment on that.”
I shrugged. “Evil will provide. We only need about seventy million dollars to bring the other supervillains in. About a half-million each will be enough to get everyone to ignore the fact that quite a few of them are going to die.”
“Seriously,” Amanda said. “We need to—”
That was when an open trunk full of diamonds fell from the ceiling, followed by six other trunks presumably filled with more.
Amanda stared. “When you said evil would provide—”
“I was being literal, yeah,” I said, shrugging. “If we were working for a good cause or needed enough money to get out of supervillainy, then Club Inferno would have ignored us. A half-million dollars each means a good hundred and forty supervillains are going to be cheated at the end of the day, but rich enough to help us break Other Gary’s hold on society. It also will be gone within a week, as that kind of money doesn’t last with supervillains.”
“A half-million dollars doesn’t last with supervillains?” Amanda asked. “I was a billionaire and that makes no sense to me.”
“Death rays and armored costumes don’t come cheap,” I said.
“Neither do hookers and blow, which I suspect is what most will spend their money on,” Mandy said. “Because they’re not you.”
“I have no need of such things. My body is a temple and I have you,” I said. “It is the Sith Way.”
That was when something strange, even by my standards, happened. A one-foot-tall teddy bear with a top hat, monocle, and an umbrella walked up to our table. It then spoke in a thick British accent. “Good day, sir, madams, I couldn’t help but overhear part of your conversation. Am I to understand you are the original Merciless?”
I looked over my shoulder and around. “Is this real?”
“This is where you draw the line?” Amanda asked. “After fighting Cthulhu, the president, and your goatee-wearing twin?”
“He doesn’t have a goatee,” I said, “and yes, this is actually my breaking point.”
The teddy bear cleared his throat. “Ah, so you are Merciless?”
“Yes, what of it?” I asked.
The teddy bear aimed his umbrella at me as a knife shot out of the end and he launched himself at my throat. “Then die!”
“Gah!” I shouted, turning intangible only for him to try to drive his knife into my shoulder. Thankfully, I was tougher than a normal human and it only scratched the surface of my skin. I tried to force him off me. Mandy grabbed him and started banging his stuffed body against the table. The little fuzzy thing managed to resist well until I grabbed his umbrella and used it to nail his arm to the table.
Amanda just watched the entire affair with a big stupid grin on her face.
“Curse you! Curse you, varlet!” the teddy bear said. “I shall have your guts for garters!”
Mandy glanced at me. “Gary, what did you do to piss off the teddy bear?”
“Nothing! I didn’t even break my Teddy Ruxpin like every other kid did!”
The teddy bear squirmed and kicked. “You murdered me!”
“Eh?” I said, doing a double take.
“I am Big Ben!” the teddy bear shouted. “Reborn thanks to the Nephilim Gog sending my soul back to do his work! My ghost inhabits this soft plush shell, but in me burns the heart of a supervillain.”
I stared at him.
And didn’t stop staring.
Mandy waved her hand in front of my face. “Gary?”
“Sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Just . . . if I ever die, don’t let me come back as a combination of Chucky and a Care Bear like this guy.”
“Who’s Chucky?” Amanda said.
“Don’t ask,” I said, taking a deep breath.
I remembered Big Ben, of course. Hell, I’d once admired the supervillain a great deal. He’d been a Cockney-accented London gangster whom the Nightwalker had put away for decades but who had returned to start up his criminal empire again. He’d tried to sell me the Nightwalker’s former base, but it had turned out to be a trap for morons. People would buy the place only for Big Ben to kill them so he could sell it again.
Only, well, I’d dropped the Nightcar off its display on him.
Big Ben growled at me. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to get my vengeance on you! I’ve built a criminal organization rivaling any in Falconcrest City history! Do you think you’ll get out of here alive? I have more minions than that corseted strumpet and—”
Mandy stuffed a napkin in his mouth as he tried to bite her, so that his fuzzy mouth did no damage. “So, what do you want to do with him?”
I smirked. “Hey, Ben, how would you like to be human again?”
Ben stopped struggling.
“Gary, what are you thinking?” Amanda asked.
I smiled. “I . . . have a plan.”
Chapter Seventeen
DRAMATIC ENTRANCES MAKE FOR GOOD FIRST IMPRESSIONS
There’s an interesting fact I found out while doing research for my Unusual Criminology paper. Basically, after the Godfather and Goodfellas, real-life mafia groups started throwing in terminology and references from the movies. I understand this. As I mentioned to my mother once, ever since I was a kid, all I ever wanted to be was a supervillain.
A similar relationship exists between the media and supervillains. In simple terms, it’s because the kind of people who become supervillains tend to be the kind of people who are desperate for attention and meaning in their lives.
“You don’t say,” Cloak muttered. “This is a shock regarding you, truly.”
“Shut it, you. I’m organizing my thoughts.”
Now there are plenty of supervillains who don’t need the kind of theatrics common to the supervillain trade: ancient wizard kings, alien despots, and so on. However, the simple fact is that superpowered crime bosses had to step up their game to match what was on the big screen. Mobsters became less like Al Capone and more like Bond villains, while thugs gravitated around colorful weirdos instead of bland professionals. They wanted to be part of the magic, so to speak. Which is what I was going to take advantage of now.
The Black Witch was talking to her most trusted colleagues, people who were on the decent end of the supervillain spectrum, but I didn’t need those guys right now. I needed people who were vicious, murderous thugs right now, and you couldn’t just pay those people. Money was good, but they were as likely to turn on you once they were paid because, well, criminals. Big Ben’s help was what I needed here and if I screwed this up, I had no doubt he’d throw me to the wolves.
The “presentation,” as I called it, started with all the lights dimming in Club Inferno. All the internet and television service went on the fritz too. That was more from Club Inferno itself, which seemed to be supporting my campaign against Other Gary. Then, a single soft blue light appeared around me (an effect achieved by Mandy, who was manning the club’s systems). I kept my head down even as my face was covered in a thick metal gas mask with tubes and a voice enhancer.
“Pathet
ic,” I said, sounding like a robot James Spader with reverb. Not that anyone would ever make a movie like that. “This is what the supervillains of this world have been reduced to? Cowering while the heroes take over the world piece by piece? You possess power greater than any on Earth, and you spend your time wallowing in self-doubt, scrounging for scraps while the First Citizen reaps the harvest of what should be your city.”
On cue, the Cyberpunk, a mohawk-wearing cyborg, growled from the Gladiator Pits where he’d just demolished Multiplication Table’s six bodies. “Just who the hell do you think you are?”
I lifted a metal broadsword I’d picked up from one of the tables for eight dollars before floating downwards, causing a current of hellfire to appear around it. “I am the Dark Lord of Dimension X, the Conqueror of Worlds, the Tyrant of the Underground Kingdom of Qwash, and the killer of Ultragod. I am the True Merciless!”
I then cut the Cyberpunk’s head clean off his body. Oil spewed from his neck before his head rolled down to the side of my feet. The Cyberpunk gave me a wink to let me know he was OK. Still, that got the reaction from the crowd I was hoping for. Everyone was paying attention now.
Levitating upwards, I filled the gladiator pits with flame and used my flaming sword for emphasis. “Each of you has wondered who killed Earth’s greatest champion years ago. Well, now you have your answer. I was drawn away from business in this dimension before I could respond and return to find the earth worse than before. You are the elite of society, and yet here you cower. I do not come here to cast judgments, though, but to present you with? an opportunity. That insolent fool who calls himself the First Citizen draws his power from technology he stole from me, back when he dared to call himself a supervillain. Tonight, I am going to destroy it and take back this city for those to whom it truly belongs: the criminals and freaks!”
“I’m uncomfortable with your taking advantage of my old friend’s death this way,” Cloak said.
“So am I,” I said back mentally. “However, Moses Anders would approve of this, I think, if it meant saving the city of his friend.”
“Fair point,” Cloak said.
“How are you going to succeed where everyone else has failed?” One of the crowd, the Crossword Puzzle Man by the looks of him, shouted up at me. I was surprised to see that guy as I’d thought he’d retired. Maybe it was his son.
I lifted an ordinary rock I’d picked up from behind the club. “I possess the Annihilation Stone! The one substance in the universe containing the Death Dark Oblivion Force of Castle Hellscream! It alone can remove his immortality and kill him!”
“I still think you should have removed some of those adjectives,” Cloak muttered.
I looked over to see Selena looking up in sheer disbelief, while behind her, Clarissa wore a silly grin.
I ignored Cloak. “Merci-Lass, Vampiressa, show the wealth that awaits those who assist Spy-Der in tonight’s mission!”
Amanda and Mandy walked out wearing very slight adjustments to their costumes. They spilled out one of the trunks of diamonds, and lights shined on close to a hundred other empty trunks I’d used to make the actual diamonds look more present. To quote Django Unchained, I’d had everyone else’s curiosity before, but now I had their attention.
“I will join you!” Big Ben shouted, followed by a bunch of other ringers in the audience and very reluctantly, the Black Witch herself. A few minutes later and I had damn near the entire club ready to go along with my plan. As it should be. Spy-Der was no longer a cool name but a reality.
“It’s really not a cool name,” Cloak said. “It’s actually quite terrible.”
Making a few more bold pronouncements and working the crowd a bit more, I levitated backward and found myself in the otherwise empty V.I.P lounge of Club Inferno. I could feel the club rumbling with the enjoyment of my hellish performance. I may not be the world’s smartest supervillain or most powerful, but I know how to work a crowd. You know, despite this being the first time I’d ever done so.
Mandy and Amanda soon followed me into the V.I.P lounge. I was glad Club Inferno was letting them, since I’d seen it repel people it didn’t think evil enough to enter. Not saying it was me who was teleported to Denmark when they tried, but well, it was me.
“So, how did it go?” I asked, removing my mask.
“The Darth Revan look seems to have gone over well,” Mandy said. “I think you’ve got them.”
“Darth who?” Amanda said.
“Video game character,” Mandy said. “I play them, especially the Star Wars and Final Fantasy ones, but I don’t live geekdom quite the way Gary does. I’m more Sisters of Mercy than System of a Down.”
“I have no idea who either of those groups are,” Amanda said.
“You don’t know who the Sisters of Mercy are?” Mandy asked, horrified.
“I’m only listen to classical music,” Amanda said. “Also, gangster rap.”
Mandy looked horrified.
“You should introduce her to Andrew Eldritch,” I said, smiling. Not that they could see it through my heavy metal mask.
“Is he a superhero or villain? He has to be one or the other with that name,” Amanda said.
“Very probably,” I said. “Anyway—”
“Please tell me you know who Trent Reznor is,” Mandy interrupted.
“The guy who did The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo theme?” Amanda said, shrugging. “He’s a musician, right?”
Mandy’s horror intensified.
“Huh,” I said, blinking. “So that’s what people reacting to me looks like.”
Amanda tried to change the subject. “Did you have to call me Merci-Lass again? I really thought we were past that.”
“Well, clearly you were mistaken,” I said, smiling.
That was when Selena and Clarissa walked in. Selena looked furious while Clarissa still looked delighted.
“You could have bothered to tell me you were going to do this,” Selena said.
“Where’s the fun in that?” I asked. “It’s like having a movie trivia contest and inviting Amanda.”
“I only watched Disney films growing up,” Amanda said. “My favorite was Oliver and Company.”
Mandy looked at her. “There’s something wrong with you.”
“Well, you’ve certainly riled them up more than I’ve seen in years, but that’s not a good thing,” Selena said. “These are a vicious band of killers, thieves, and murderers.”
“Can I bring back ‘duh’ or is that stuck in the nineties?” I said.
“No, but you’re not a teenage girl either,” Selena said. “Come on, Gary, mature a little.”
“Denied!” I snapped. “The Dark Lord Merciless refuses!”
“Are there any holdouts?” Mandy said.
Selena said, “There’s a few holdouts. Adonis refuses to be involved because he feels like he should have gotten more credit for saving the city and believes he owes Merciful rather than you. The Typewriter knows Merciful—”
“Wait, he’s back?” I asked.
“It’s his daughter,” Selena said. “She knows Other Gary is a fake but doesn’t want to join our cause because you killed her father. Twice.”
“What a silly reason to hold a grudge,” I said, giving a dismissive wave. “Anyone else?”
“The P.H.A.N.T.O.M Youth,” Selena said. “They won’t work for you because you’re Jewish.”
“I think we can survive without the Neo-Nazis,” I said.
“They claim to endorse only ironic racism,” Selena said.
“I have no idea what that means and feel stupider for having heard it,” I said.
Selena said, “I think we have a real chance of bringing down Merciful’s empire. So kudos, Gary, you have almost earned my respect.”
I rolled my eyes. “One thing—I’d like you guys to hang back.”
“What?” Clarissa said. “Why?”
“My doppelgänger is dangerous,” I said. “This is more a military operation than a heis
t, and I don’t want any of you dying to stop him when these guys can take the brunt.”
“That’s an awful thing to ask,” Amanda said. “I’m prepared to die to stop Other Gary.”
“I’m working so you don’t have to,” I said. “The world is enriched by your Merci-Lassness.”
“That’s it, I’m getting a drink,” Amanda said, walking past them.
Selena sighed. “Mandy, would you come and help? We need someone from his group to look scary as we settle on plans.”
Mandy nodded. “With pleasure.”
Clarissa gave me a curious look before departing with the others.
I sighed. “So, this is how it ends. One last big bang before I take out my enemies.”
“Have you ever given any thought to what you’re going do after this?” Cloak asked.
“You mean after I’ve murdered the world’s most popular totalitarian dictator?”
“Yes.”
I paused to say something flippant, then sighed. “I dunno, probably retire.”
“What?” Cloak replied.
“I’ve spent five years underground as a brainwashed drooling Ward Cleaver,” I said, closing my eyes. “That’s in addition to getting my wife killed and turned into a vampire. I suck at being a supervillain.”
“You’ll forgive me if I think supervillainy itself is an automatic fail state.”
I took a deep breath. “That’s another thing. I don’t want to drag you along with me anymore to do things you’re morally disgusted by.”
Cloak didn’t respond.
I narrowed my eyes. “Cloak? You there? Hello, McFly?”
Cloak made a groaning noise. “I’m sorry, I was genuinely moved by that. Which, by the way, you’ve completely ruined.”
“I try,” I said. “I’ve got my family back for the first time in a long time. You have no idea how tempting it was to take Other Gary’s offer, but bluntly, he comes off as a lying liar who lies. I mean, I know because he’s me. I’m screwing everyone here, so I know I’d screw me by making whatever stargate he conjures for us lead to a sun or a black hole or Jacksonville, Florida. No, taking out Other Gary is the only way to end all this.”
The Supervillainy Saga (Book 4): The Science of Supervillainy Page 15