by Pen Avey
Nights are bitterly cold here—I was glad that Great Aunt Grumbeloid made me a hat after all, especially as we couldn’t get a fire started (probably due to the low oxygen levels).
We were both worn out after the stress-filled day we’d had, but Andi suggested we take turns keeping watch. He offered to take the first one and said he’d wake me up in four hours.
The next thing I knew it was morning—Andi had gone into sleep mode during his watch so hadn’t woken me. I was relieved that we hadn’t been attacked by the local wildlife while we slept, but then I spotted something very worrying indeed—footprints all around us! Well, I say footprints but they looked more like claw prints. Huge claw prints! I don’t think either of us will be sleeping much tonight.
We decided to try and stick to the space camp itinerary as much as possible to keep our spirits up, and as it is When?sday, the rest of the cadets will be taking part in the Cooking Skillz Challenge, which involves foraging for food. As we were down to the last packet of cheese puffs, foraging seemed like a good idea anyway, so we set off to scour the area for suitable snacks.
Andi showed me where he’d found the root vegetables, and I was very surprised—they were growing in straight rows as if someone had planted them. Quite close by was a group of very tall trees laden with luscious looking fruit, but as the trunks were smooth there was no way for us to get them. We picked some more of the root vegetables anyway and also found some small berries growing on a bush (which Andi analysed to check they weren’t poisonous), then we went back to the cave.
Andi stomped on the root vegetables to make a sort of mash, and we made small models of the Empire Space Building, using the berries as windows. Andi took a photo of them (as evidence so that we’ll still get our Cooking Skillz Challenge badge when we are rescued) and then we ate them. They weren’t too bad really, and the food gave us the energy we needed to lift our spirits.
I started talking about my family back on Crank and we both got a bit homesick, so to cheer ourselves up we decided to do the next thing on the itinerary early: sing slightly rude songs really loudly (Andi suggested this, as if anyone was looking for us in the area they would hopefully hear us singing).
We were on the second verse of “There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Pie” when the hairs on the back of my neck rose, because a third voice had joined in with our song! I gave Andi the signal to shush, and the singing continued. The deep voice seemed to be coming from the very back of the cave. I froze with fear, but Andi was extremely brave and shouted, “WHO GOES THERE—FRIEND OR FOE?” in loudspeaker mode. The singing stopped, and something started slowly shuffling towards us. It was a very tall creature that had to bend almost double to fit into the cave. Its body was covered with shaggy brown fur, and it had the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. I’m glad I noticed its eyes before I saw what was on the end of its arms—a big bunch of razor sharp claws! I decided to be brave like Andi and ask it a direct question: “Are you the Many-Clawed Beastie?”
It hung its head even lower and whispered “Yeth.” (It has a lisp—probably due to the multiple rows of razor sharp teeth in its mouth).
Anyway, it turns out that the Many-Clawed Beastie has a name (Albert), and he isn’t scary at all (his appearance has been greatly exaggerated). He explained that the reason he has rows of razor sharp teeth is so that he can eat the tough root vegetables he grows, and he said his sharp claws are to help him cut fruit from the tall trees we saw. Albert also told us that he hides away because if anyone sees him they usually either scream or chase him, and that hurts his feelings. He also told us that he knows where the Space Cadet camp is and that he’d take us there tomorrow!
I’ll write to you again when I get the chance—Albert is about to teach us some slightly rude songs that he’s made up.
Your friend,
Dethbert Jones.
CHAPTER 29
Dear Earthling,
Albert kept watch all last night after warily telling us there are stab beetles around these parts. I assured him that beetles tend to be peaceful creatures, to which he replied, ‘’You’ve obviouthly never been thavaged by one.”
I have to admit that’s true, but they are still not in my top ten list of creatures that terrify me (neither is Albert anymore, though he used to occupy the top spot). Whatever the reason though, I slept better knowing he was watching over us.
For breakfast we had fruit from the tall trees that we’d seen the day before. Turns out the fruits are called creens and they are smooshily delicious, like a cross between lemon and chive. Then Andi picked some more berries and whizzed us up a smoothie using his on-board blender to wash the creens down.
When we’d eaten our fill and packed our things up, Albert led us further into the cave.
Apparently the mountain is almost impossible to climb but has a network of tunnels inside which sooner or later lead to the other side.
At first it was pitch black, so I was glad I had my torch. But after we’d been travelling for quite a while we came across a huge cavern, which was lit by a hole in the ceiling.
This is where Albert spends most of his time he told us, then he showed us his collection of things he’d found—mainly stuff that had been accidentally left behind after space camps over time.
His collection includes empty drink bottles dating back twenty years, various items of uniform, and several badges.
I unpicked the Cosmic Correspondent badge from my uniform and gave it to him to add to his collection, and he gave me an empty bottle of root beer, which he seemed to hold in great esteem, so I felt very honoured.
We also met Albert’s only companion—a giant goodlouse, whom Albert has domesticated and named Trevor.
I was extremely impressed when Trevor performed a series of tricks for us that Albert had taught him over time. My favourite trick was when Trevor made a pebble appear from behind my ear (although Trevor’s tiny legs did tickle a bit while he was climbing up my arm to perform this one).
After a lunch of more delicious creens we said goodbye to Trevor and continued on for what felt like an eternity.
During our walk I took the opportunity to find out more about Albert and his life on Blarch. It turns out that he actually comes from a planet called Grizzle, and like us, he’d crashed here. He told us he’d been stranded here for many years! I felt truly sorry for him, but he said he was doing okay and at least had Trevor for company.
Suddenly Albert stopped dead in his tracks and shushed us. He pointed to a high ledge where there was a seething mass of large armoured bodies. I really should have put two and two together when I met Trevor the giant goodlouse—insects grow BIG here! These beetles were bigger than fluppies.
Unfortunately Andi panicked and instead of speaking in whisper mode he accidentally went into loudspeaker mode and shouted “NUTS AND BOLTS!” (which is an extremely rude robot swear—I probably shouldn’t have even written it down but it’s too late now). Luckily his voice resonated around the cavern, and the stab beetles scattered in all directions, crashing into each other, unsure of where the noise was coming from. I tore out of that cavern so fast I must have left scorch marks, and I didn’t stop running until my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my mouth. Thankfully the beetles didn’t follow us, and at long last we rounded a bend that led out of the mountain.
It was evening by then, and Albert led us along a track that ended at the top of a valley. Looking over the edge we were relieved to see neat rows of tents and lots of cadets sitting in a circle in the middle of the camp.
We asked Albert to come down to the camp with us to meet everyone, but he politely declined saying that he had to get back and make Trevor his tea.
He did agree to take some photos with us though, so that we could prove that he’s not the terrifying beast of legend. He’s just misunderstood.
Before he left I gave him the hat that Great Aunt Grumbe
loid had made me. I figured it had brought me luck after all, as I’d lived through an amazing adventure, which I’m sure was tons better than the regular Space Camp experience.
With sadness we waved goodbye to Albert and headed down to the camp. As we got nearer we heard the other cadets telling scary stories about the Many-Clawed Beastie, so we jumped out of the bushes to give them all a fright. The shock caused Sergeant Megatron 5000 to blow a small fuse, but he quickly recovered and was relieved that we’d returned safely. Apparently he’d had quite a lot of trouble locating our shuttle as the tracking system was damaged during the crash.
We went into his tent where he set up a three-way conference between us, my parents, and Andi’s parents, as they had all been extremely worried. Everyone was crying with relief, even Shriekfest (although thinking about it now, maybe she was crying because she’d hoped to get her hands on my Grandmothers of the Universe collection?).
After that, we told our story to the rest of the cadets while stuffing our faces with tons of delicious snacks. A lot of them didn’t believe us until Andi produced the photographic evidence.
(I hate it when others don’t believe me, especially when I am telling the truth.)
Anyway, I’m exhausted and must sleep. I’ll write again as soon as I can.
Your friend,
Dethbert Jones
CHAPTER 30
Dear Earthling,
Andi and I have had such a blamtastic day! In the morning, none other than Major Flob arrived and asked to hear about our adventures firsthand.
Andi got a bit star struck at first and kept repeating, “YOU MEET TO HONOUR AN SUCH IT’S,” which totally confused everyone until I realised he’d accidentally flicked his Reverse Speech switch when his nerves got the better of him.
We went into Sergeant Megatron 5000’s tent with Major Flob so we could tell her about what had happened to us after our crash (“de-briefing” as the Major called it).
When I got to the part about Albert originally coming from Grizzle, Major Flob looked a bit shocked. It turns out that the crown prince of Grizzle had disappeared many years ago while on a solo space adventure, and as a result Grizzle’s royal family had been in chaos for decades. After their king died, lots of different noblemen claimed to be heir to the throne, and there had been long-running arguments and battles ever since. Grizzle’s queen had barely managed to keep things under control and recently sent a request to Crank’s Elite Space Rangers to come to Grizzle’s aid, which the Major said they were planning on doing next Duesday.
She also told us that if Albert turns out to be this missing prince it could once again unify the royals and bring peace back to Grizzle!
After our private chat, Major Flob asked us to come to the centre of camp where all of the other cadets were assembled, and she announced that Andi and I were being awarded joint Cadet of the Week! There is only one trophy though, so we are going to have to share it. Andi got over-excited and suggested we swap the trophy over on an hourly basis, but I sensibly decided that monthly would be a lot easier, and even generously offered him the first month.
We’d just started helping the other cadets clean up camp to get ready to leave when Major Flob approached us again. She’d explained the Grizzle situation to our parents, and they’d said it was okay for Andi and me to accompany the Major in rescuing Albert (I was surprised that Andi’s parents had agreed to this, but I think they must also be in awe of the Major, judging by their son-bot’s response to her), so while the other cadets packed up ready to leave, we stuffed some supplies in backpacks and prepared for a trip back into the mountain.
Sergeant Megatron 5000 said he was sorry to leave without us, mainly because he’d been asked to cart our huge trophy back to Crank and he had enough to carry as it was. I read between the lines and said we’d miss him too.
Before setting off back into the caverns I asked the Major how she intended to deal with the nest of stab beetles if we came across them again. She told me not to worry and that she was prepared for all eventualities.
Major Flob is very interesting, and during our long, dark walk she kept us amused with stories of when she was young and used to fly anti-war missions to battling planets, dropping cake bombs and fluffy toys into war zones. Unfortunately, she is also very enthusiastic with her storytelling and at one point—whilst demonstrating a tap dance routine used to distract the enemy—she slipped and badly twisted her ankle. The Major is rather a large woman and as we couldn’t manage to support her properly in the narrow tunnels, Andi and I were forced to leave her while we continued on, promising to ask Albert to help us rescue the Major, before we in turn rescued Albert.
I again asked the Major for advice on how to fend off any stab beetles we may come across, at which she fumbled in her rucksack and produced a large can of bug spray.
I went ahead, holding the can at arm’s length, but thankfully we didn’t encounter any more beetles.
When we were safely past the nest area, Andi suggested singing one of the songs that Albert had taught us so that he’d know it was us coming:
“Creens, creens, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot.
Creens, creens, good for the heart,
The more you eat the more you parp—”
Suddenly, Trevor came scuttling round a bend and jumped up at me with joy. Albert followed closely behind and looked just as pleased to see us.
We quickly explained that the Major was a little way behind and in need of some help. Albert looked unsure about meeting anyone else, but when we said that the Major was our friend, Albert said any friend of ours was a friend of his and lumbered off to find her. We offered him the can of bug spray as protection, but Albert said he’d rather deal with any stab beetles he found using his own methods, as Trevor would likely be badly affected if any poisonous spray got into his system. This made me feel ashamed—I hadn’t thought of Trevor as a bug—and I hid the spray right at the bottom of my bag.
Andi, Trevor, and I are resting while we wait for Albert to return with the Major. I will write again soon and let you know how things pan out.
Your friend,
Dethbert Jones
P.S Albert said any friend of mine is a friend of his, so that means YOU are also Albert’s friend now!
CHAPTER 31
Dear Earthling,
I have two lots of good news, and one piece of bad news concerning my friend Albert.
I will make a bad news sandwich, wrapped in slices of good news.
Good news: It turns out that Albert is the crown prince of Grizzle!
Bad news: He doesn’t want to go back home.
Good news: He is an excellent healer and patched up Major Flob’s ankle in no time.
Once Albert had tended to the Major’s injury and numerous cups of tea had been drunk, we told him the reason for our return. At this he looked sad and quietly said that he couldn’t go back to Grizzle, as they wouldn’t accept him for who he was.
After questioning him more, we learned that the royal family on Grizzle do very little, and once he was crowned King, Albert would be expected to do nothing at all except for wave at his subjects and sign boring documents all day. He went on to explain that he’d always wanted to be a healer and loved working out which plants and herbs have healing properties (Albert had put a berry poultice on Major Flob’s ankle, and the Major said that the pain went away almost instantly), but having a career other than King would be against Grizzle’s royal rules.
Major Flob tried to convince him otherwise by telling him about the conflict that had taken over since he left, but Albert seemed determined to stay on Blarch.
Then Andi surprised us all by announcing in loudspeaker mode: “LOGICALLY, IF YOU ARE KING YOU CAN CHANGE THE RULES SO THAT ROYALS CAN BE HEALERS IF THEY WANT TO.”
We sat with bated breath as Albert
thought this through. After a moment he nodded solemnly and whispered, “That might jutht work.”
I hi-foured Andi and went to hi-four Albert but changed my mind when I looked at his claws. I do think he’s an excellent healer, but I wouldn’t much fancy being his patient.
We helped Albert gather together his belongings and set off back out of the mountain. Andi offered to carry Trevor, as he’s only got little legs so can’t walk far without getting tired.
On the way out we came across a lone stag beetle that was blocking our path, and got to see Albert’s “method” for dealing with them. He made a trail of berries leading to a corner away from us and left a ripe creen at the end. The Stab beetle simply followed the trail, snaffling up the tasty berries, and left us in peace. Even though us Crankians are basically a good race, we can still learn lots from others, like Albert.
When we eventually arrived back outside, Major Flob led us all to her space shuttle. It was a lot bigger and far fancier than the ones Space Cadets use!
Andi asked if he could have a go at piloting it, but Major Flob tactfully declined, saying she had promised Andi’s parents to take extra special care of him (I imagine they’d mentioned Andi’s meteor allergy to the Major, which must have set alarm bells ringing).
Actually, no one needed to pilot the shuttle anyway because it’s so high tech that you simply punch in the coordinates of the place you want to visit, and the shuttle’s computer system takes over and flies you there.
Once the shuttle had launched and it was safe to move around, Albert headed over to the window to watch as Blarch shrank away from view. I sensed he felt rather emotional saying goodbye to the planet which had been his home for many years, so I went over and put my hand on his shoulder in what I hoped was a comradely fashion. Then, a mahoosive mutant flea crawled out of his shaggy coat and hopped onto my hand, so I patted Albert’s back in a supportive way (also to dislodge the flea) before going to find the others.