“I will, if I can,” I said.
“That is not reassuring,” he said.
“I mean I can’t leave the battle if I’m personally engaged in a fight,” I said. “I’ll return as often as I can.”
“I wish I could go with you,” he said.
“You could visit Terrael,” I said, “if you need something to distract you. And I’m sure you’d be more useful there than on the front lines.”
“I dislike feeling helpless, Sesskia,” he said, but he came with me to talk to Terrael. I wish he’d been able to give me better news, but they still hadn’t made any progress; everything they try just soaks up magic and can’t direct it anywhere. I’m so close to telling him to give it up and bringing our mages forward to help in the battle. But we need this. It’s taking us far too long to work pouvrin, and the Castaviran mages are having to scribe th’an several times before they’ll activate. It’s small comfort the enemy battle mages are having the same difficulties.
19 Shelet, after dinner
After I wrote the last and the fighting stopped for the night, Cederic and I had dinner and then he said, “I have decided to aid Terrael in his efforts. I am little more than a figurehead here, and I think I have been stupid not to remember I am still Kilios and should not be wasting those talents.”
That eased the knot in my stomach quite a bit. “I’ll join you,” I said. We found Terrael, who was in the middle of his own meal and very happy to see us.
“I haven’t wanted to draw you away from your other duties, Cederic,” he said, “but honestly, I could use your perspective.” He set his plate aside and led us to where they’d laid out the kathana circle. It’s not so big as the one we drew in that field, but it’s still big, and I know it took them a long time to make it. They dug a shallow trench about two inches wide and filled it with scrap metal, forks and coins and some pewter cups someone managed to cut into strips. Then they used th’an to melt everything until it ran together. That means it’s mottled silver and copper and gold and has this strange beauty to it. Terrael, of course, only cares that it’s circular and uninterrupted.
“We draw the th’an as thickly as we can around the circle, leaving only the smallest gaps,” Terrael said, kneeling down and drawing a few th’an on the ring as an example. “It’s like penning the magic inside the circle. When they activate, they repel the magic. It’s like filling a cup with water and then freezing it; if you try to add more water, it just runs off. Then we try as many th’an and pouvrin as we can to make the magic come together. But the best we can do is get them to deflect each other. At worst, the th’an and pouvrin absorb the magic and activate. Eventually we’ve used it all up and have to start over. But we’ve eliminated dozens of possibilities. I haven’t given up hope.”
“Is it possible to attract more magic before…penning it?” Cederic said. “If it masses thickly enough—”
“It’s too thin on the ground,” Terrael said. “We’ve found we can attract it with pouvrin by working one and letting it draw magic to it, then releasing it before the magic can activate it. But it takes so long, by the time we’ve collected some magic, more of it has drifted away.”
“I have some ideas for that,” Cederic said. “I apologize for not joining you sooner. I am afraid you will have to bear with me as I ask questions for which you have already found solutions.”
“You’ll see things none of the rest of us have seen, though,” Terrael said, grinning, “and it really is only a matter of time.”
I was going to stay with them, but I was so tired—I’m falling asleep as I write this—so I left the two geniuses at work and came back to our tent. I can hear the sound of the remaining war wagons going off and wish we had some of our own. Garatssen hadn’t even heard of them. I guess they’re a new weapon only the main army has. The main army and the Viravonian Army, that is.
I wish I knew what was going on down there. We haven’t been able to decide what to do about Viravon when this is all over. Cederic wants us to give them independence, which I’d agree with if not for the Balaenic cities within Viravon’s borders, especially Calassmir, who are going to have a hard enough time with a new ruler of their own country without being told they’re now part of a completely different one.
I don’t think we’re going to win.
I don’t think we’re going to succeed at bringing magic together.
I can only admit this in the privacy of these pages, but I feel so discouraged. Maybe it’s being so tired all the time, but it feels as if the God-Empress has endless troops to pour into this attack and it’s only a matter of time before we’re overwhelmed. But I’m going to put on a brave face and be confident. These people need to know their rulers have faith in them and in our cause. And I do. I’m just not sure faith is enough.
20 Shelet, noon
Keonn collapsed this morning and won’t wake up. Two other mages succumbed an hour later. I made everyone stop for a rest, sent runners to the other armies with the same instruction and told them to send any mages who collapsed to the rear of the Helvirite Army for care. I really just want them under my eye because if this means they’re permanently unable to work magic, I want to know about it. Enemy mages still pounding away, damn them.
20 Shelet, evening
I sent everyone back to the front (fronts) with more instructions: no more than half an hour working magic of any kind, then half an hour rest and something to eat. I have no idea if it will help at all. Three more mages collapsed. None of them have woken yet, though the surgeons assure me their breathing and heartrates are normal.
I didn’t do any magic this afternoon, just observed the mages in my group. I never realized before that some of them are struggling less than others. It’s as if they’re—I don’t know what to call it. Stronger, I think, because it reminds me of how some people (Jeddan) can lift the corner of a laden wagon off the ground, and others (me) are lucky to be able to haul a fifty-pound backpack, well-balanced, for more than a mile or two without becoming exhausted. At any rate, I think there’s a connection between that strength and who’s collapsing, as if people are simply coming to the end of what they can handle and then trying to exert themselves past that. I wish I knew if there were some signal that could tell someone she’s reaching that point, but no one seems to know. The best I can do is make them rest frequently and hope they’re replenishing themselves, as if this really were a question of physical endurance, which I’m not convinced is true.
Went to see Terrael and found Cederic there too, but neither of them had much attention to spare. Cederic said they were making progress, and I know he wouldn’t lie to me, but Terrael’s been saying the same thing and he wouldn’t lie to me either and damn it we’re not making progress.
21 Shelet, afternoon
So very tired. The northern flank—the Black Army, I mean—collapsed under the assault and let the God-Empress’s troops past. The Green Army was barely able to hold until the Helvirites came charging in to the rescue, at which point the main force of the God-Empress’s army made a push through the center. We were able to repel them, but the northern front is barely holding and has been pushed back by that arm of the pincer. Five more mages collapsed during the assault, and I pushed myself and the others to our limits. Found out the closer we are to each other, the weaker we get, and I realized it’s because we were using up each other’s supplies of local magic. So that’s it for concentrated attacks in unison. Small comfort that my fires are as large and devastating as ever and Saemon’s trick of throwing battle mages into each other still works. He’s more cautious than the rest of us about exerting himself, but then he’s already collapsed once in battle and knows
Oh, I’m so stupid. I should have him explain how to know what it feels like when you’re reaching your limit.
22 Shelet
Cederic and Terrael had me try the binding pouvra again. They seem convinced, since it’s the only magic that incorporates both Castaviran and Balaenic (being a pouvra based o
n th’an) it’s more likely to have the right effect. So tonight after dinner I stood in the middle of the kathana circle and watched the blobs of magic become visible around me. They really are ugly. I hope the restored magic is prettier.
“All right, Sesskia, work the, mmm, the walk-through-walls pouvra, then release it before it activates,” Terrael said. I did as he asked and watched the blobs drift toward me. It’s strange to keep the shape of a pouvra inside you without it doing anything, like when you tug on your hair but not hard enough for it to hurt, but it’s everywhere. I released it before any of the blobs could reach me and saw them continue to drift through my body. It looks strange, but you can’t feel anything.
“Now,” Cederic said. All the mages began scribbling th’an on the metal circle as fast as they could. Blobs floated in that direction both from inside and outside the circle, and soon it began to glow, here and there, until the metal was lit softly along its whole circumference, like moonlight. I saw muddy blobs bouncing off it and off each other—or near each other; they still never touch.
“Sesskia,” Cederic said, “you will need to work the binding pouvra and maintain it for as long as possible.”
“It will just activate when the magic touches it. Or not activate, since it doesn’t do anything,” I said.
“Try to see it not as the fire pouvra, but the walk-through-walls pouvra,” he said. “Make it into a container.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” I said, but I bent my will to the pouvra and felt it take shape around me. Blobs drifted in my direction and I could feel it when they reached me, felt the pouvra absorb them. I kept myself relaxed, though the temptation to exert my will was enormous. I’m so impatient for success I want to make it happen, and I know that’s not how pouvrin work. The pouvra continued to absorb magic and the pressure of being tugged on from all directions increased. “I can’t,” I began, and the pouvra fell apart without doing anything. Just like it always does.
I shook my tingling fingers and toes out and said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do any better than that. If I try to force it, it will only fall apart faster.”
Cederic rubbed out some of the th’an and the silvery light vanished. “We need to try once more,” he said, “this time with the concealment pouvra.”
So we repeated the whole thing, and this time I couldn’t keep the pouvra from activating once the first magic touched it. I was discouraged, but Cederic and Terrael seemed pleased. “I promise we’ve learned something important,” Terrael told me, “but if I try to explain it to you, you’ll just soak my head again.”
“If I had any energy left,” I said, but it cheered me up. So I’m going to sleep now, and hope things look better in the morning.
23 Shelet, afternoon
Cederic,
I hope you never see this letter. With luck, I’ll be back in a few hours, and I’ll tear this page out and destroy it. But if, as you’ve often put it, my God-given reserves of luck have finally run out, I want you to know why I did this.
For a long time, I believed the former God-Empress’s death wasn’t my responsibility. That there were others who could make it happen, and that it wouldn’t keep her generals from continuing to fight. But this morning I stood and looked out at her banner in the middle of her army, and I thought about why we’re fighting this war. Someone’s going to win, and that person will rule our two countries—our unified country.
I know from what Mattiak said that we’re still evenly matched, so there’s no way to know what will happen in the next few days. But if we lose—I’m trying not to be superstitious about writing that—an evil woman is going to take the throne, and our country is going to suffer. And I can’t let that happen.
If the God-Empress is dead, it will throw her generals into enough confusion you’ll be able to defeat them. All those excuses I made are no longer valid. Right now I’m the only one who can safely cross this battlefield and get close enough to her to kill her. And I’m probably the only one who can survive doing it.
I know you don’t think I’m a killer—truthfully, I don’t think I am either. But I am the Empress-Consort, and this is how I can serve our country. Serve all those people who don’t deserve to be ruled by a madwoman. So it’s what I’m going to do.
I know what you’re thinking, and it occurred to me too: if magic is so hard to work, I might not have the ability to conceal myself and work the see-inside and mind-moving pouvrin. That’s the chance I have to take. I’m still the strongest mage we have, and if anyone can manage it, I can. I don’t think that’s bragging. You know I always think things through, and I’m confident that I’m coming back from this. I believe in preparing for the worst, and I know this letter represents the worst.
I’m leaving all my books behind, just in case. I know someday you’ll be able to read Balaenic, and I hope you’ll read this record and it will give you comfort, as much as that’s possible. Every moment of our life together is in these pages, right from the first time we met and you twisted my arm behind my back and looked so smug and superior I wanted to slap you.
All those first times—I’m sorry it also has our last times, and that I didn’t know they were last times. I didn’t know when I kissed you this morning before going to the front it would be the last kiss. I’m sorry the last thing I said to you was “You have butter on your chin.” So this can be my last thing, instead: I love you. I wish I could elaborate on that, but I think you already know everything I mean, and if I write anything else it will sound stupid. So it’s just—I love you.
Rule wisely. Be patient. Never forget me.
Sesskia
Chapter Twenty-One
Karoli 27th
I should not be writing this in Sesskia’s diary, in a language she cannot read, but I must do something or run mad. Though this is, in a sense, a violation of her privacy, I cannot help but think that this, too, is part of her record, and someday
I did not realize Sesskia was gone until she was brought to the command tent. We had separated as usual that morning, I to join Terrayel and Audryn at the kathana circle, she to meet with her mages at the front of the western advance. I am never happy to see her go into danger, but we both knew if we did not win this war, having remained safely out of the fighting would not matter.
It is hard, now, to remember how optimistic we—Terrayel’s mages—were that morning. We had narrowed our search for pouvrin that could affect the foundational magic to the binding pouvra invented by Sesskia, and were prepared to experiment with it. We believed maintaining it for extended periods of time, longer than we previously have, would enhance the collection of magic and allow its direct manipulation. I wish with all my heart I had insisted on Sesskia returning with me, as she is the most experienced with that pouvra, but I rejected what I knew was a selfish impulse to keep her near me. How differently things would have transpired!
The first we at the back knew of any unusual events was at nearly sunset, when we heard a tremendous explosion, followed shortly afterward by a wave of force so powerful we could not stand against it. We immediately left our camp and went to join Generals Tarallan and Garatsen where they stood observing the enemy. We saw no smoke, no sign of fire or explosion, only a great deal of activity, soldiers fleeing in all directions except toward Colosse. Those troops attacking on the west seemed confused, and our armies were taking advantage of that confusion to press them hard. As we watched, Renatha Torenz’s army broke and fled, and General Tarallan shouted orders that our soldiers were to pursue cautiously, in case this was a ruse meant to draw the defenders out where they could be overcome.
I wish I had known to scribe the memory kathana. I have no idea how Sesskia was able to record conversations so accurately; my memory is not nearly as good as hers is. So I can only summarize: General Tarallan explained later that our armies moved forward and to both sides, encircling the north and south pincers and cutting those troops off from their fellows. Between that and the demoralizing retreat of the
main body of their army, those troops immediately surrendered and were taken prisoner. The Blue Army pursued Renatha Torenz’s forces, while the Helvirite Army remained to defend the city.
I, of course, was required to stay behind. My impatience at that came both from my eagerness to do something as well as my fears for Sesskia, whom I believed to be with the Blue Army, as I had heard General Tarallan give orders for all the mages to join in the pursuit.
We received word shortly afterward that the army had in fact been routed, and several officers had been captured, but nothing of Renatha Torenz (this was before Sesskia and the madwoman were discovered) or Garran Clendessar. I believe him to be still in Venetry, and I hope it does not mean we will have to lay siege to that city. The Gray Army has been sent to investigate the situation at Venetry, and we will not know for days yet what must happen.
Nor do we know what the remaining Castaviran—that is, Renatha Torenz’s officers who remain free will do. They do not have the resources to come against us, but most of them realize their lives are forfeit for following her. I intend to pardon as many as I can; I do not wish my reign to begin in more blood than it already has. Gael Regates surrendered without a fight. I wish I could spare her life.
Then General Tarallan returned, bearing Sesskia in his arms, and at first I thought her dead and felt as if I had been stabbed through the heart. Learning the truth, that she was merely unconscious, was a profound relief. I could not have guessed how much despair her condition would leave me in.
I left her with the surgeons and healers so I could investigate the place where she was found. It looks like a crater, but one with no depression; there are simply lines some twenty or thirty feet long radiating from the center. Near this lay the body of Renatha Torenz, blackened and contorted as if something had tried to escape her body in all directions at once. Three other bodies similarly blackened lay just outside the crater.
I ordered Renatha Torenz’s body returned to Colosse for examination, though thus far no one has been able to tell what actually killed her. It was nearly twenty-seven hours before I returned to Sesskia’s side and found the surgeons and healers unable to tell me why she is unconscious or when she might wake from that state. There is nothing any of them can do for her, because her body is not damaged, and magic no longer works.
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