by Mike Shevdon
"I like chasing hats."
"Warm now?"
She had a point. It was far too hot to chase around. I sat on the bench beside her and resumed looking at the view.
"Your power is an extension of your will," she said.
"You've told me that before – or somebody did – Fionh, maybe."
"What is your will, Niall?"
It was an odd question. "What do you mean? Are you asking what I want?"
"No, I want you to tell me what your will is. What is this thing that your power is an extension of?"
"It's what I want, isn't it? What I need, maybe. Didn't you say once that magic responds to need?"
"I did, and you do well to remember it, but that is your unconscious will. Your magic will respond because your unconscious demands a response, but not in any way that's controlled – it's like yawning, you can't control it."
I yawned. She smiled.
"Its the heat."
She carried on smiling.
"You did that deliberately," I accused.
"I suggested an idea and your body responded. I can seed ideas into your mind because you are unfocused and undirected – you have no will."
"Of course I have a will."
"Not a directed will. It's hanging like a banner without a breeze. It's waiting for direction, and by making a weak suggestion I can influence you. In a difficult situation, that's dangerous. It makes you vulnerable."
"In a combat situation I wouldn't be unfocused. Having someone try to kill you concentrates the mind wonderfully."
"Until you're distracted, and you're distracted very easily."
"I'm not."
"The breeze has died again."
This time she held onto her hat. The breeze ruffled the grass and twisted in her hair.
"…and when you call it back it has the tone of your temper in it. You're going to have to lose that."
"That's not me, it's doing that by itself." I let it die down.
"No, Niall, that's you. Let it go and I'll show you."
The gusts died away and the summer heat descended on us, beating down. Then a breath of breeze stirred around us, shifting and flickering, veering and backing. It found direction, pushing gently from behind, cooling our backs and necks.
"Show off," I remarked.
She looked down at her hands again, but I knew she was smiling. We sat in silence while the breeze cooled our backs and we took in the view.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, eventually.
"Do? I'm not your boss, Niall, and I don't give you orders. If you want to learn, I'll teach you, but it has to come from you. I'm not taking orders from Garvin, or anyone else."
"Garvin put you up to this? I thought it was Fionh's idea."
"And how is that different?"
"Fionh has her own ideas about how things are done."
"She's still a Warder, Niall, and that puts her firmly in Garvin's camp."
"We have camps, now, do we?" I asked.
She lapsed into silence.
"I thought we were all on the same side," I said
"We have sides now, do we?" She used exactly the same tone that I had. "I don't like what he does, I don't like how he does it, and most particularly, I don't like him," she said.
"Who are we talking about now?"
"Garvin." Her gaze was on the horizon.
"Well unfortunately I work for him, so I don't have that luxury."
"You don't have to work for him."
"He's providing a roof over our heads, sanctuary for my daughter, and for our son, and a place for me in the courts which I wouldn't otherwise have."
"The courts provide that, not Garvin. He places you in harm's way. You're not ready."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"You're not. He knows it, I know it. Even you know it."
"Do you have a better plan?" I asked.
There was another long silence.
"If you do, I wish you'd say because I'm not seeing any glowing alternatives. Most of them involve being homeless and at the mercy of whoever comes along."
"Everything has a price, Niall, especially this." She brushed imaginary flecks from her skirt.
"Yes, well, sometimes you don't really have a choice."
"There's always a choice, if you are prepared to take it." She stood up. "Think about that while you're deciding who you want to learn from."
She brushed the back of her skirt with her hand and then walked back towards the house. The breeze around me died, leaving me to sit in the baking sun.
Rather than summon the breeze again or follow Blackbird indoors, I walked back towards Alex's room. Fionh had mentioned that she would be alone this morning and it would be an opportunity to see how she was progressing for myself.
I walked past the pond but the water was clear, the sediment undisturbed. It didn't bode well for the practice Alex was supposed to be doing in Fionh's absence.
"Can I come in?" The door was resting open, a heavy leatherbound book resting against it to let what little air there was drift through the room.
"Yeah, why not?" Alex was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
"I thought you might be asleep."
"It's the middle of the day, Dad."
"People do sleep in the day, especially when it's hot." I went in and sat in the armchair near the window out of the sun. She rolled over, resting her head on her hands.
"Not me. I can't sleep unless it's dark. Not even then, sometimes."
"Still having nightmares?"
"No." The lie was blatant and obvious.
I'd asked Blackbird how she could lie so openly, given that fey magic rankled against a lie. Blackbird had shrugged and told me that teenagers had a different relationship with the truth. "Maybe to her, it's not lying," she had suggested, but the tone in Alex's voice told me that it was, even though she showed no sign of being tongue-tied or having any difficulty with her words.
"What's up?" Alex asked me.
"I just came to see how you were – how you're getting on with Fionh."
"She's busy. She said she'd come and see me later."
"I know. I thought I'd come and see how you were getting on with your practice."
"It's boring."
"It's necessary."
"She says I'm doing better than you are."
"She said that? You must be doing well, then."
"Not really. She was talking to Garvin about you." The implied criticism hung in the heavy air.
"So have you done some practice this morning?"
"Sure." Again the lie.
"Why don't you practice for a bit with me – you can show me how much progress you've made."
"S'boring."
"You can show me how many fish you can bring to the surface."
Alex sighed and rolled over again to stare at the ceiling. "When are we going home, Dad?"
"We are home." Now I heard the lie in my own voice.
"Not this place. I mean real home. When are you going to take me to see Mum?"
"That's a bit difficult sweetheart."
"She thinks I'm dead."
"That's part of the difficulty, yes," I nodded.
"I feel like I'm dead. I'm so bored!" The pipes rumbled in the bathroom. Alex glared at the bathroom door and they subsided.
"Why don't you do something, then? You could play tennis?"
"All the bats are broken."
"They're called racquets."
"They're all broken."
"I thought you played with Fellstamp last week?"
She sighed. "They were old. They twisted when we played with them. They're all broken now."
"OK, we could find some more?"
"Fellstamp cheats."
"He cheats? In what way?"
"Doesn't matter. They're broken anyway." Her arm flopped out sideways and hung over the edge of the bed. "I've got bats at home. Kayleigh and me used to play."
"Kayleigh and I," I corrected.
"I'll talk to Fellstamp."
"Don't bother. He won't play with me, and I don't play with cheats."
"All right, I'll ask Slimgrin if he'll play with you."
"He's on assignment. Garvin told Fionh. He won't be back until next week."
"Fionh, then."
"Fionh's too stuck up. Besides, I don't like tennis anyway."
It was my turn to sigh. "Well, what would you like to do?"
"I want to see Mum."
"Alex… it isn't that easy."
"Why? What could be simpler? How hard could it be? We go and see Mum… that's it," she shrugged.
"You can't go back to living with your mother."
"Why not? You just don't want to admit that you lied to her. Again."
"I didn't lie to her."
"You told her I was dead!"
"You were dead… or at least we thought you were. That's what we were told."
Alex straightened her legs and lay with her arms crossed over her chest, eyes closed in a parody of death.
"You're not dead, Alex. I can see you breathing."
She twisted over suddenly. "No! I'm not dead! So why do I have to live in this morgue? Nothing happens here. It's like a home for the elderly. There's nothing to do and no one to do it with. I might as well be dead."
"Don't say that. It's not true."
"I want to see Mum. I want to see Kayleigh and I want my room back." She was shouting and as her voice rose the rumbling in the pipes rose with it. "I want my music, and my things. I want to be in my own room, in my own house, doing my own thing. What's so hard about that?"
I kept my voice quiet, trying to soothe her. "I do understand, but it's more complicated than that. Your mum… It's going to be a huge shock. She needs to be prepared."
"So prepare her! Write her a letter. Get on the phone. Do something! Anything!" The pipes rattled and banged.
"It's not just your mum, Alex. Everyone thinks you're dead. Your teachers, neighbours, friends… you can't just walk into school and say, 'Hi – I'm back'."
"Why not? What do they care? They'll get over it."
"You killed three girls, Alex. You drowned them, remember?"
"They don't know that. They think it was an accident."
"It wasn't an accident, though was it?"
"Is that what you think? You think I killed them on purpose? You think I filled that place up with drain-water and shit just to get even with that slag and her council-flat coven?"
"I didn't mean it like that."
"Well how did you mean it? Huh?"
"I meant that it wasn't an accident. The drains didn't explode, did they Alex? There was no build up of gas. It was you."
She rolled over again, staring at the ceiling. "They should've left me alone. I tried to warn them. Kayleigh did too. Fionh says they got what they deserve."
"I find it hard to believe that Fionh said that."
"She said that if you are challenged and you win, then that's fair. It's blood price. You don't challenge someone if you're not prepared to fight – to the death if necessary."
"She means among the Feyre, Alex. She's not talking about human people."
"I'm fey now, though, aren't I? Them rules don't apply to me."
"Those rules, and they apply to you if you want to be part of human society. I don't think you can go back, sweetheart, not once you've broken them."
"You broke them," she accused.
"Yes, I suppose I did. But I can't go back either."
"Mum's got Barry now."
"That's not what I meant."
"But you're not stuck in here. You can go out whenever you like. You don't have to be cooped up in your room all the time like a freaking prisoner!"
"You're not a prisoner. You can go out. There are all the grounds, you have the freedom of the house for the most part."
"It's just a bigger prison, Dad," she said.
"Look, everyone says you're doing really well, but to be able to go out you have to do better than that. You can't just lose your temper and blow the drain covers off because someone looks at you funny."
"I've never blown drain covers off! Now you're making stuff up about me!" she protested.
"You can go out when you can keep a hold on your temper, and a lid on your abilities." I stood up. "Until then you're not safe. So it's up to you. Prove to me that you can control yourself and I'll take you out."
"To see Mum?" she brightened.
"I'll think about it."
Her expression fell. "No, then."
"Like I said, I'll think about it."
"Yeah, you always say that when you don't want to say no, but you're not going to say yes," she said.
"Some things aren't as easy as yes and no, Alex. Maybe if you grew up a bit and took some responsibility for yourself you'd understand that."
Now she looked sulky.
"You could start by actually practicing some of the control you're supposed to be developing. How many fish can you actually bring to the surface?"
"Seven." The lie was plain again.
"Alex, you're not helping yourself." I moved to the door. "I have things to do, and so do you, if you would only do some of them. I can't keep cleaning up after you."
"Oh, so it's my fault the government was torturing prisoners is it? It's my fault that Porton Down was experimenting on innocent people?"
"No," I said, "but it's your choice how you deal with it."
"You're only saying that because you don't want to explain to Mum."
"I'm only saying it because it's true. I'm trying to help you."
"Maybe I don't want help. Maybe I'm beyond help."
"Look", I said. "Neither of us can go back, but both of us can go forward. Learn to deal with things as they are and you'll be happier for it." I stood in the doorway. "Think about it."
"My life sucks," she said.
"Everyone's life sucks at one time or another. There are people around you who care, but they can't help you if you won't help yourself. You can lay on your bed and sulk all your life or you can get up and do something."
"When you and Mum broke up, you did something. You left. You walked out the door and you left me – with her! You've no idea what she was like."
"That's not fair, Alex." Though I knew very well what Katherine was like.
"Yeah, well. Life's not fair. That's what you always say."
"That's because it's true," I said "Your mother gave me no choice. I didn't like it and it wasn't fair, but that's the way it was. It's about time you learned that life isn't perfect and you have to make the best of what you've got. Grow up, Alex."
The remark came out harsher than I'd intended and her eyes brimmed. She turned away to face the window.
I swept out and retreated down the corridor, feeling that once more I was in the wrong no matter what I did. She knew she'd struck a nerve with her last remark, but then she knew where all my soft spots were and never failed to exploit them. Now I had said too much and I was automatically in the wrong.
I bunched my fists as I walked away. Kids!
When I got back to our rooms, Blackbird was leafing through the folders I had left on the desk.
"Those are supposed to be confidential," I said.
"Secret is what it says here," she said, checking the front of the file.
"Wouldn't that imply that you shouldn't be reading them?"
"They're not really secret. No one would be stupid enough to leave secret documents lying around on a desk where anyone might read them," she pointed out.
"Touché." There was not much point in grabbing them back now. She was most of the way through the pile.
"Where's the baby?"
"Going to sleep."
"I'll just go check on him."
"If you go in there now you'll wake him up again. Leave him be. If he has a nap now
he'll be much nicer to know later. Otherwise he'll just be crabby all day, and it won't be you that has to suffer."