She came back over and put her hand on my cheek and said, "You're not going to die." I told her, "I am." She said, "You're not going to die any time soon. You have a long, long life ahead of you." I told her, "As you know, I'm extremely brave, but I can't spend eternity in a small underground place. I just can't. Do you love me?" "Of course I love you." "Then put me in one of those mausoleum-thingies." "A mausoleum?" "Like I read about." "Do we have to talk about this?" "Yes." "Now?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because what if I die tomorrow?" "You're not going to die tomorrow." "Dad didn't think he was going to die the next day." "That's not going to happen to you." "It wasn't going to happen to him." "Oskar." "I'm sorry, but I just can't be buried." "Don't you want to be with Dad and me?" "Dad isn't even there!" "Excuse me?" "His body was destroyed." "Don't talk like that." "Talk like what? It's the truth. I don't understand why everyone pretends he's there." "Take it easy, Oskar." "It's just an empty box." "It's more than an empty box." "Why would I want to spend eternity next to an empty box?"
Mom said, "His spirit is there," and that made me really angry. I told her, "Dad didn't have a spirit! He had cells!" "His memory is there." "His memory is here," I said, pointing at my head. "Dad had a spirit," she said, like she was rewinding a bit in our conversation. I told her, "He had cells, and now they're on rooftops, and in the river, and in the lungs of millions of people around New York, who breathe him every time they speak!" "You shouldn't say things like that." "But it's the truth! Why can't I say the truth!" "You're getting out of control." "Just because Dad died, it doesn't mean you can be illogical, Mom." "Yes it does." "No it doesn't." "Get a hold of yourself, Oskar." "Fuck you!" "Excuse me!" "Sorry. I mean, screw you." "You need a time-out!" "I need a mausoleum!" "Oskar!" "Don't lie to me!" "Who's lying?" "Where were you!" "Where was I when?" "That day!" "What day?" "The day!" "What do you mean?" "Where were you!" "I was at work." "Why weren't you at home?" "Because I have to go to work." "Why didn't you pick me up from school like the other moms?" "Oskar, I came home as soon as I could. It takes longer for me to get home than for you to. I thought it would be better to meet you at the apartment than make you wait at school for me to get to you." "But you should have been home when I got home." "I wish I had been, but it wasn't possible." "You should have made it possible." "I can't make the impossible possible." "You should have." She said, "I got home as quickly as I could." And then she started crying.
The ax was winning.
I put my cheek against her. "I don't need anything fancy, Mom. Just something above ground." She took a deep breath, put her arm around me, and said, "That might be possible." I tried to think of some way to be hilarious, because I thought that maybe if I was hilarious, she wouldn't be mad at me anymore and I could be safe again. "With a little elbow room." "What?" "I'm gonna need a little elbow room." She smiled and said, "OK." I sniffled again, because I could tell that it was working. "And a bidet." "Absolutely. One bidet coming up." "And some electrical fencing." "Electrical fencing?" "So that grave robbers won't try to steal all of my jewels." "Jewels?" "Yeah," I said, "I'm gonna need some jewels, too."
We cracked up together, which was necessary, because she loved me again. I pulled my feelings book from under my pillow, flipped to the current page, and downgraded from DESPERATE TO MEDIOCRE. "Hey, that's great!" Mom said, looking over my shoulder. "No," I said, "it's mediocre. And please don't snoop." She rubbed my chest, which was nice, although I had to turn a little so she wouldn't feel that I still had my key on, and that there were two keys.
"Mom?" "Yes." "Nothing."
"What is it, baby?" "Well it's just that wouldn't it be great if mattresses had spaces for your arm, so that when you rolled onto your side, you could fit just right?" "That would be nice." "And good for your back, probably, because it would let your spine be straight, which I know is important." "That is important." "Also, it would make snuggling easier. You know how that arm constantly gets in the way?" "I do." "And making snuggling easier is important." "Very."
MEDIOCRE
OPTIMISTIC, BUT REALISTIC
"I miss Dad." "So do I." "Do you?" "Of course I do." "But do you really?'" "How could you ask that?" "It's just that you don't act like you miss him very much." "What are you talking about?" "I think you know what I'm talking about." "I don't." "I hear you laughing." "You hear me laughing?" "In the living room. With Ron." "You think because I laugh every now and then I don't miss Dad?" I rolled onto my side, away from her.
OPTIMISTIC, BUT REALISTIC
EXTREMELY DEPRESSED
She said, "I cry a lot, too, you know." "I don't see you cry a lot." "Maybe that's because I don't want you to see me cry a lot." "Why not?" "Because that isn't fair to either of us." "Yes it is." "I want us to move on." "How much do you cry?" "How much?" "A spoonful? A cup? A bathtub? If you added it up." "It doesn't work like that." "Like what?"
She said, "I'm trying to find ways to be happy. Laughing makes me happy." I said, "I'm not trying to find ways to be happy, and I won't." She said, "Well, you should." "Why?" "Because Dad would want you to be happy." "Dad would want me to remember him." "Why can't you remember him and be happy?" "Why are you in love with Ron?" "What?" "You're obviously in love with him, so what I want to know is, why? What's so great about him?" "Oskar, did it ever occur to you that things might be more complicated than they seem?" "That occurs to me all the time." "Ron is my friend." "So then promise me you won't ever fall in love again." "Oskar, Ron is going through a lot, too. We help each other. We're friends." "Promise me you won't fall in love." "Why would you ask me to promise that?" "Either promise me you'll never fall in love again, or I'm going to stop loving you." "You're not being fair." "I don't have to be fair! I'm your son!" She let out an enormous breath and said, "You remind me so much of Dad." And then I said something that I wasn't planning on saying, and didn't even want to say. As it came out of my mouth, I was ashamed that it was mixed with any of Dad's cells that I might have inhaled when we went to visit Ground Zero. "If I could have chosen, I would have chosen you!"
She looked at me for a second, then stood up and walked out of the room. I wish she'd slammed the door, but she didn't. She closed it carefully, like she always did. I could hear that she didn't walk away.
EXTREMELY DEPRESSED
INCREDIBLY ALONE
"Mom?"
Nothing.
I got out of bed and went to the door.
"I take it back."
She didn't say anything, but I could hear her breathing. I put my hand on the doorknob, because I thought maybe her hand was on the doorknob on the other side.
"I said I take it back."
"You can't take something like that back."
"Can you apologize for something like that?"
Nothing.
"Do you accept my apology?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"Oskar, I don't know."
"Are you mad at me?"
Nothing.
"Mom?"
"Yes."
"Are you still mad at me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"I was never mad at you."
"What were you?"
"Hurt."
INCREDIBLY ALONE
I GUESS I FELL ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
WHEN I WOKE UP, MOM WAS PULLING MY
SHIRT OFF TO HELP ME GET INTO MY PJS,
WHICH MEANS SHE MUST HAVE SEEN ALL
OF MY BRUISES. I COUNTED THEM LAST
NIGHT IN THE MIRROR AND THERE WERE
FORTY-ONE. SOME OF THEM HAVE
GOTTEN BIG, BUT MOST OF THEM ARE
SMALL. I DON'T PUT THEM THERE FOR
HER, BUT STILL I WANT HER TO ASK ME
HOW I GOT THEM (EVEN THOUGH SHE
PROBABLY KNOWS), AND TO FEEL SORRY
FOR ME (BECAUSE SHE SHOULD REALIZE
HOW HARD THINGS ARE FOR ME), AND TO
FEEL TERRIBLE (BECAUSE AT LEAST SOME
OF IT IS HER FAULT), AND TO PROMISE ME
&nbs
p; THAT SHE WON'T DIE AND LEAVE ME
ALONE. BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE LOOK IN HER
EYES WHEN SHE SAW THE BRUISES,
BECAUSE MY SHIRT WAS OVER MY HEAD,
COVERING MY FACE LIKE A POCKET, OR A
SKULL.
MY FEELINGS
They are announcing flights over the speakers. We are not listening. They do not matter to us, because we are not going anywhere.
I miss you already, Oskar. I missed you even when I was with you. That's been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.
Every time I put in a new page, I look at your grandfather. I am so relieved to see his face. It makes me feel safe. His shoulders are pinched. His spine is curved. In Dresden he was a giant. I'm glad that his hands are still rough. The sculptures never left them.
I didn't notice until now that he is still wearing his wedding ring. I wonder if he put it on when he came back or if he wore it all those years. Before I came here I locked up the apartment. I turned off the lights and made sure none of the faucets leaked. It's hard to say goodbye to the place you've lived. It can be as hard as saying goodbye to a person. We moved in after we were married. It had more room than his apartment. We needed it. We needed room for all of the animals, and we needed room between us. Your grandfather bought the most expensive insurance policy. A man from the company came over to take pictures. If anything happened, they would be able to rebuild the apartment again exactly as it was. He took a roll of film. He took a picture of the floor, a picture of the fireplace, a picture of the bathtub. I never confused what I had with what I was. When the man left, your grandfather took out his own camera and started taking more pictures. What are you doing? I asked him.
Better safe than sorry, he wrote. At the time I thought he was right, but I am not sure anymore.
He took pictures of everything. Of the undersides of the shelves in the closet. Of the backs of the mirrors. Even the broken things. The things you would not want to remember. He could have rebuilt the apartment by taping together the pictures.
And the doorknobs. He took a picture of every doorknob in the apartment. Every one. As if the world and its future depended on each doorknob. As if we would be thinking about doorknobs should we ever actually need to use the pictures of them.
I don't know why that hurt me so much.
I told him, They are not even nice doorknobs.
He wrote, But they are our doorknobs.
I was his too.
He never took pictures of me, and we didn't buy life insurance.
He kept one set of the pictures in his dresser. He taped another set into his daybooks, so they'd always be with him, in case something happened at home.
Our marriage was not unhappy, Oskar. He knew how to make me laugh. And sometimes I made him laugh. We had to make rules, but who doesn't. There is nothing wrong with compromising. Even if you compromise almost everything.
He got a job at a jewelry store, because he knew the machines. He worked so hard that they made him assistant manager, and then manager. He did not care about jewelry. He hated it. He used to say jewelry is the opposite of sculpture.
But it was a living, and he promised me that was OK.
We got our own store in a neighborhood that was next to a bad neighborhood. It was open from eleven in the morning until six at night.
But there was always work to be done.
We spent our lives making livings.
Sometimes he would go to the airport after work. I asked him to get me papers and magazines. At first this was because I wanted to learn American expressions. But I gave up on that. I still asked him to go. I knew that he needed my permission to go. It was not out of kindness that I sent him.
We tried so hard. We were always trying to help each other. But not because we were helpless. He needed to get things for me, just as I needed to get things for him. It gave us purpose. Sometimes I would ask him for something that I did not even want, just to let him get it for me. We spent our days trying to help each other help each other. I would get his slippers. He would make my tea. I would turn up the heat so he could turn up the air conditioner so I could turn up the heat. His hands didn't lose their roughness.
It was Halloween. Our first in the apartment. The doorbell rang. Your grandfather was at the airport. I opened the door and a child was standing there in a white sheet with holes cut out for her eyes. Trick or treat! she said. I took a step back.
Who is that?
I'm a ghost!
What are you wearing that for?
It's Halloween!
I don't know what that means.
Kids dress up and knock on doors, and you give them candy.
I don't have any candy.
It's Hal-lo-ween!
I told her to wait. I went to the bedroom. I took an envelope from underneath the mattress. Our savings. Our living. I took out two one-hundred-dollar bills and put them in a different envelope, which I gave to the ghost.
I was paying her to go away.
I closed the door and turned off the lights so no more children would ring our bell.
The animals must have understood, because they surrounded me and pressed into me. I did not say anything when your grandfather came home that night. I thanked him for the papers and magazines. I went to the guest room and pretended to write. I hit the space bar again and again and again. My life story was spaces.
The days passed one at a time. And sometimes less than one at a time. We looked at each other and drew maps in our heads. I told him my eyes were crummy, because I wanted him to pay attention to me. We made safe places in the apartment where you could go and not exist.
I would have done anything for him. Maybe that was my sickness.
We made love in nothing places and turned the lights off. It felt like crying. We could not look at each other. It always had to be from behind. Like that first time. And I knew that he wasn't thinking of me.
He squeezed my sides so hard, and pushed so hard. Like he was trying to push through me to somewhere else.
Why does anyone ever make love?
A year passed. Another year. Another year. Another.
We made livings.
I never forgot about the ghost.
I needed a child.
What does it mean to need a child?
One morning I awoke and understood the hole in the middle of me.
I realized that I could compromise my life, but not life after me.
I couldn't explain it. The need came before explanations.
It was not out of weakness that I made it happen, but it was not out of strength either. It was out of need. I needed a child.
I tried to hide it from him. I tried to wait to tell him until it was too late to do anything about it. It was the ultimate secret. Life. I kept it safe inside me. I took it around. Like the apartment was inside his books. I wore loose shirts. I sat with pillows on my lap. I was naked only in nothing places.
But I could not keep it a secret forever.
We were lying in bed in the darkness. I did not know how to say it. I knew, but I could not say it. I took one of his daybooks from the bedside table.
The apartment had never been darker.
I turned on the lamp.
It became bright around us.
The apartment became darker.
I wrote, I am pregnant.
I handed it to him. He read it.
He took the pen and wrote, How could that have happened? I wrote, I made it happen.
He wrote, But we had a rule.
The next page was a doorknob.
I turned the page and wrote, I broke the rule.
He sat up in bed. I don't know how much time passed.
He wrote, Everything will be OK.
I told him OK wasn't enough.
Everything will be OK perfect.
I told him there was nothing left for a lie to protect.
E
verything will be OK perfect.
I started to cry.
It was the first time I had ever cried in front of him. It felt like making love.
I asked him something I had needed to know since we made that first nothing place years before.
What are we? Something or nothing?
He covered my face with his hands and lifted them off.
I did not know what that meant.
The next morning I woke up with a terrible cold.
I did not know if the baby was making me sick or if your grandfather was.
When I said goodbye to him, before he left for the airport, I lifted his suitcase and it felt heavy.
That was how I knew he was leaving me.
I wondered if I should stop him. If I should wrestle him to the ground and force him to love me. I wanted to hold his shoulders down and shout into his face.
I followed him there.
I watched him all morning. I did not know how to talk to him. I watched him write in his book. I watched him ask people what time it was, although each person just pointed at the big yellow clock on the wall.
It was so strange to see him from a distance. So small. I cared for him in the world as I could not care for him in the apartment. I wanted to protect him from all of the terrible things that no one deserves.
I got very close to him. Just behind him. I watched him write, It's a shame that we have to live, but it's a tragedy that we get to live only one life. I stepped back. I could not be that close. Not even then.
From behind a column I watched him write more, and ask for the time, and rub his rough hands against his knees. Yes and No.
I watched him get in the line to buy tickets.
I wondered, When am I going to stop him from leaving?
I didn't know how to ask him or tell him or beg him.
When he got to the front of the line I went up to him.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: A Novel Page 13