I hit the palm of the target’s hand with the dagger. My entire junior year had been sucktastic, especially the second half. I went from being an honor roll student to barely squeaking by. It’s funny how knowing you’ll never be able to pursue your dreams can kill your motivation to keep up the GPA. Instead of doing homework, I’d spent my time learning to sling sharp objects. I retrieved the knife and aimed again.
For six months I’d been hounded. I had to constantly remind Patti not to show affection, and it broke my heart. We’d developed a sign for when spirits were around: a scratch to my chin. She’d leave my presence so they couldn’t see her colors. They couldn’t know she cared.
The knife sunk into the target’s elbow with a thud. And so it went around the body.
I hadn’t cried in six months, since that day I stood at Lookout Point. Fear and trauma had taken their toll. I used to hate my tear ducts—thought tears made me weak. I’d taken their cleansing relief for granted, like so many other things.
Thud.
Somewhere in the world my father was busy keeping up his facade as the Duke of Substance Abuse. But he’d still set up lessons for me in self-defense right after the summit. Grueling, hard-core lessons that defied my peaceful instincts.
Thud. In the eye. If only Kaidan could see me now.
I hadn’t spoken with any of the Neph. No word from Kai. In the deep recesses of my soul, worry threatened to reach up and pull me under. He could be dead for all I knew.
Thud.
I had my choice of defense maneuvers I could have studied. My instructors wanted to focus on Judo grappling and hand-to-hand combat since I apparently had the flexibility, strength, and endurance for it. They couldn’t understand my interest in knives, and I wasn’t about to tell them that it made me feel connected to the boy I loved. I wondered what he would think if he saw me aiming for the throat and hitting it dead-on. Would he be proud or appalled? Did he still care? I’d seen through a chink in his emotional armor when he stood at the summit in New York, prepared to fight for my life.
Thud.
Six excruciating months without smelling the sweet, outdoorsy scent that seemed tucked into each memory of him. Six months of living a lie to the outside world.
When the dagger landed in the dummy’s heart, I left it there and sat hard on my bed.
Even with all its terror, the events of the summit had been incredible—heaven sent down angels to spare my life. If they hadn’t shown and intervened when they did, there would have been three additional deaths that night: mine, Kaidan’s, and Kopano’s, who’d also stood to defend me.
I sighed and picked up the phone to call Jay. I owed him an apology for yet another crazy night.
He answered right away. “What’s up, girl?”
“Hey, you,” I said, surprised he didn’t sound upset.
“Feeling okay?” he asked.
“Um . . . yeah, mostly.”
“Dude, it’s kinda freaky that you’re calling, ’cause I was just about to call you.”
“You were?”
“Yep. Can you come over? I want you to hear something.”
He sounded excited. Maybe he was finally getting used to my changes.
“Sure, I’ll be there in about . . . twenty?”
“See ya then.”
When I hung up, Patti peeked into my room.
“It’s safe,” I told her.
She grimaced at the impaled target. A sheen of blue sadness tinged the aura around her torso, but when she turned her face to me a pretty vapor of pale pink surfaced in its place. She crossed her arms.
Patti’s strawberry curls were held back with a clip, although some had escaped and framed her lightly freckled face. As always, a mistlike guardian angel stood just behind her, watching our interactions with calm assurance. The silent observations of humans’ guardian angels were a reassuring staple in my life.
“Good morning,” I said.
“Are you going somewhere?”
“I’m going to Jay’s.”
“Oh, good.” I heard a smile in her voice. “I haven’t seen that boy in ages. Tell him I miss him, would you?” She smoothed my hair back into a neat ponytail and kissed my cheek.
I turned and gave her a big squeeze. This was one thing other Neph didn’t have—a loving nurturer to accept them without condition. Patti had picked me up from many parties in the middle of the night over the past few months. I hated that she had to witness all of it.
“I will, Patti. Thanks. Love you.” I grabbed my car keys from my dresser, eager to get some fresh air.
It was weird driving to Jay’s house. I hadn’t been there in a while. Things were different since he’d gotten a job and a girlfriend, and since I’d become party Anna. I guess nothing could stay the same forever. Jay still kept his hair cropped short or else it would turn into a thick, blond sponge. The primary change in his appearance had come when Jay grew two inches this spring and his softness disappeared.
He stayed busy as an assistant deejay, and he’d just started an internship with an Atlanta radio station for the summer.
The car crunched over pinecones as I pulled into the driveway of the one-story rambler. A giant weeping willow stood hunched over, its curtain of leaves dragging the sparse grass of Jay’s front yard. I regarded it like an old friend as I walked to his door, breathing in the summer scent of honeysuckle.
Nobody ever knocked at Jay’s house. I let myself in and took the worn-carpeted hall to his room.
“Nice,” he said when I walked in. He was sitting at his computer with his guardian angel standing directly behind him in soft, white light. The angel nodded at me in greeting, but otherwise kept his attention on Jay. I sat down in the empty chair next to him and got a case of the raging tingles at the sight of the word on the screen: Lascivious.
Jay smiled and said, “Their debut single is finally out. The album’s almost done.”
“They really made an album?” Last time I’d stalked them online, there wasn’t much to be found. But this was good. It meant he was losing himself in the music. He was okay.
Jay laughed. “Well, yeah. What’d you think they were doing out there in L.A.? Actually, it’s only being released in California to start, but I got my hands on the censored radio version. Wanna hear it?”
I shrugged as if I didn’t care. “Um, sure.”
I wondered if Jay could hear how loud my heart was thumping. He clicked on a link, and my plan to act uninterested disintegrated at the sound of the first note. I leaned forward, hanging on every beat like it was a lifeline to the person holding the drumsticks.
The sound was more mainstream than their usual stuff, but it still rocked. I held my breath as the lyrics began.
I tried to warn you,
But girls never listen.
Got your innocence insured?
’Cause it’s ’bout to be stolen
Right out from under your nose.
Prepare to curl your toes.
I’ve got a one-track mind.
You’ve got a nice behind.
Chorus:
I had a good thing goin’
All numb in my shell,
Then you took me by surprise
And now I’m scared as hell.
I don’t wanna feel for you,
I don’t wanna feel.
If feeling means hurting,
Then I don’t wanna be real.
You crank up my lust, girl,
You tame down my rage.
You let your inner vixen
Roam out of her cage.
The moment our lips met
I saw it in your eyes,
But you were seeing me,
too, I now realize.
Chorus
What do I want from you?
I want everything.
And I’m not gonna share—
This ain’t a casual fling.
You can be my bad girl,
I’ll even be your good boy.
How’d the
tables get turned?
F*** it, I’ll be your love toy.
Chorus
“What do you think? Good, huh?” Jay asked.
I swallowed hard, wishing for a glass of water. “Does it say on there who wrote it?”
He looked at me funny. “Michael’s the only one who writes their songs, except singles they get from other sources. Why?”
“I’m just curious. Some of the lyrics . . .”
A look of pity crossed his face. “Oh, you thought . . .”
“No. Never mind.” I waved a hand like it was silly. How embarrassing.
“Well, let me just check.”
He clicked around until he found the jacket information for the album.
“Yep, says it was written by Michael Vanderson, lead singer.”
“Cool.” My throat itched. “Thanks for letting me hear it. Are there any, um, pictures? I mean, like, an album cover?” I looked at the computer instead of at Jay. I didn’t want to catch him or his guardian angel looking sad for me. Jay did some more clicking around.
There they were. The lead singer, Michael, was in front wearing his signature tight clothes. The rest of the band was staggered behind him. And there was Kaidan—farthest from the camera in the back. He stood with his feet apart, thumbs hooked in his pockets and head tilted downward. His hair, which was buzzed short last time I’d seen him, had grown out enough to hang in his eyes, dark brown and slightly wavy at the tips. He wore all black, but his eyes peeking up through the shadows of his hair were a vivid contrast in striking blue. I grasped my necklace’s dangling turquoise charm and shivered.
He was even more gorgeous than before. This mysterious, dangerous-looking image of him seared itself into my mind.
Jay’s chair squeaked and I pulled myself from the computer, heart pattering. I glanced around his room, making certain no demon had sneaked in and caught me. I never felt completely safe from their cruel eyes.
Jay lounged back in his chair. Judging by the mix of light gray negative feelings in his aura, now was not the best time to ask him to forward me a copy of that cover so I could crop out the other guys and zoom in on the drummer.
“Can we talk?”
“Of course.” I didn’t like his sudden serious demeanor.
“You know I love ya, right?” I moved my head up and down, preparing myself for another lecture. “I just . . . I feel like ever since you and Kaidan were together, and then he moved away, you’ve been different.”
Yep. My voice came out in a rasp. “I know I’ve changed—”
“’Cause you got the good girl syndrome.”
“Hm?” Oh. When a good girl tries to change a bad boy, but instead the good girl turns bad. “No.”
“Yes, you did. See, me and Roni have talked about it. You thought you could change him, and maybe you even did a little. But in the end he moved and changed his number, and it made you feel like you weren’t good enough. So you changed yourself to try and be the kind of girl he’d like. Right?”
“Uh . . .”
I envisioned Veronica and Jay psychoanalyzing me. A conversation of this nature required careful steps, like treading through a minefield. I chose not to lie in general, so times like this were tricky.
“I did hope he’d change his ways,” I said. “And then, yeah, I ended up changing my ways instead.” But not because of him.
Jay nodded, all knowing. “Roni says you need closure.”
“I don’t see how that’s ever going to happen,” I admitted.
“She says the only way you’re gonna get closure is to find another guy. And not just kissing dudes when you’re drunk.”
“Not this again,” I groaned.
“What about that Harvard guy?”
“Kope? We’re just friends, and we haven’t talked in forever. I really don’t want a guy right now, Jay.”
“Okay, fine. I don’t know if a new guy is the answer anyway. Personally, I think you need to talk to Kaidan if you want to get over him.”
Jay had no idea how much his words pained me. I wanted nothing more than to talk to Kai. I gritted my teeth and stared down at a stack of CDs on his messy floor.
“Listen,” he said. “I don’t really know what I’m talking about here. You act happy and stuff, but it’s like . . . you’re not. Not really. I can’t figure you out. You go out all the time and party it up, but you yell at me if I try to have a drink. And by the end of every night you’re, like, trying to fix everything that went wrong. You made me drive seven people home last night!”
Whoops. “Sorry,” I whispered.
“Nah, it’s cool. I don’t care about that. I care about you, and why you’ve got this split-personality thing. I feel like you’re hiding something, but I can’t figure it out. All I can think is that it all goes back to Kaidan.”
I chewed my thumb cuticle. Jay was right, but he could never know the full truth, no matter how badly I wanted to tell him.
“Do you think maybe if you saw him again you might be able to get closure or whatever?”
There was an expectant tilt to Jay’s voice.
“I don’t know,” I began with care. “Maybe. But I have no idea when I’ll see him again.”
“Yeah, well . . . Roni told me not to tell you this, but I feel like I should.” More nervous hand rubbing to go along with his hazy, nervous aura. “They’re gonna be in town next week.”
My stomach lurched. Breathe, breathe, don’t lose it.
“Um.” I cleared my throat. “Why will they be here?”
I knew all of their families lived in the Atlanta area—Duke Pharzuph had uprooted Kaidan from England to Georgia—but I didn’t know if the band had a gig in town or something.
“I guess just to visit home. But they’re doing a signing at a music store in Atlanta on Thursday night. Roni’s seriously gonna kill me for telling you.”
He’ll be here.
“Thank you, Jay.” I couldn’t keep the tremble from my words.
“I just hope it won’t make things worse. I’ll go with, if you want.”
I nodded, still glued to the seat and fighting for control.
I’m going to see Kaidan. Pure, foolish hope and joy cartwheeled through me.
Jay rubbed his chin and stood, kicking his book bag out of the way. He picked up a pair of jeans off his messy floor and gave them the sniff test.
“Man, I don’t feel like going to work today,” Jay grumbled.
Me either, I thought. And hopefully, if no spirits showed tonight, I wouldn’t have to.
I stood up. “I’ll go and let you get ready.”
He stuck out his hand and I slapped mine into it with a weak smile.
“You’re always looking out for me, Jay. I’m sorry for how I’ve been lately.”
Jay pulled me in for a hug. “Let’s get you some closure, huh?”
Closure . . .
What I wanted was Kai in my life. To see him again could be disastrous . . . or miraculous.
I guess we’d find out soon enough.
CHAPTER TWO
DIFFERENT
Thursday evening I drove to Atlanta with Jay next to me and Veronica in the backseat. She wasn’t happy I was going to see Kaidan, but she also wasn’t about to miss out on all the excitement.
I chewed the inside of my cheek and glanced furtively around the skies. It was dangerous and stupid to try and see another Nephilim when we were all under suspicion. I promised myself I wouldn’t stay long, but I had to see him.
An image of Kai reaching for me through the pandemonium of the summit’s aftermath flashed through my mind. That devastating look on his face when the cab whisked me away. Would we dare to touch tonight? Hug? I didn’t know if I’d be able to hold back.
The three of us made our way inside. My body stilled and I fought for control of my senses when I caught a glimpse of him amid the people. The air in the room thickened as my heart expanded in my chest, too big to contain. He smiled politely at the fans crowded around, but not the k
ind of smile that made his eyes crinkle at the corners. I soaked in every detail—his hair curling up at the ends around his ears and neck; his snug, blue designer T-shirt and dark jeans. Unlike in pictures, in real life I could see Kaidan’s red badge—the supernatural starburst at his sternum that labeled him as a Nephilim inclined toward Lust.
Kaidan spotted Jay through the crowd. They both froze, and a feeling of expectancy crackled across the room.
Look at me, my heart cried. Jay sent a nod to Kaidan, who returned it and paused before his eyes skidded to mine, connecting with a jolt. He stood, staring with surprise and anticipation. My heart felt as if it had catapulted across the room.
Veronica grabbed my hand. “Oh, my gawd!” she whispered. “He’s staring at you!”
For someone who hated him, she sure sounded excited. But Kaidan had that effect.
He seemed oblivious to the people still trying to talk to him as his eyes were on me. He stood, and with that sexy stride of his, he started walking around the table, never looking away from me. Kaidan wore an expression of pained longing similar to the one he had that terrible night when Dad dragged me from him at the summit. Only the panic was missing from his eyes now.
A pretty redhead stepped in front of him. He blinked and looked down at her as she spoke.
My body moved forward and Veronica squeezed my hand, keeping me grounded.
“Want us to come with you?” Jay asked.
I shook my head.
The store manager announced it was closing time. People got louder as they said their good-byes. The redhead made no move to leave.
On either side of me, Jay and Veronica gave my hands encouraging squeezes before they left. I was surprised Jay hadn’t wanted to greet the band, but tonight was business for him. The business of helping me.
I moved forward, watching as the band guys gave Kaidan fist bumps and exited through the back of the store. The redhead smiled the whole time she chatted.
He exhaled when he saw me, and that dang girl never paused in her storytelling, taking his elbow in her hand.
I came around the table and paused behind him, just a few feet away. His shoulders were larger, and the muscles appeared to twitch under his shirt as I drew closer. I knew he could sense me. The old energy was alive between us. I was aware of him, of every detail about him, just as I’d always been. And I could tell by the tightness in his body that he was hyperaware of me, too. Now if I could only get rid of the girl. She typed her information into his phone and then he tucked it in his back pocket.
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