Their health continued to deteriorate after the trial and in January last year, among 11 ambulance trips to hospital, Mum had a pacemaker put in, then Dad had surgery in the middle of the year.
I stayed with Mum while Dad was in hospital and realised how much they were struggling to keep up with the day-to-day chores and upkeep of their small unit. Between the costs they incurred with supporting my investigation into Phil’s death and two property developers who ripped them off back in New Zealand over an investment property on the West Coast, they weren’t in a financial position to buy a serviced apartment in a retirement home in Australia.
My lease was coming up for renewal, and one Saturday afternoon as I scrolled through Facebook I came across a large home to rent. I came up with the idea of renting a large home for me, Mum and Dad and the girls to live in, so I could cook them fresh meals instead of them reheating the bulk meals I made and froze for them. It wouldn’t be much more work for me to clean an extra couple of rooms and do a few extra loads of washing a week.
We found a beautiful home that gave Mum and Dad their own lounge and plenty of space between their end of the house and my teenage daughters playing music and doing their thing. But 10 days before the big shift Mum had a fall, hitting her face on the door and breaking both her cheekbones, her nose and her upper jaw in two places.
Mum came straight from hospital to the new house and required considerable care and help. Between Dad’s dizzy spells and Mum recovering from her fall I needed to be at home a lot more and ended up having to drop two of my classes that semester. My parents had arrived in Australia in January 2003, 10 months after a legislation change, and because their pension was on a special agreement with New Zealand they were not entitled to a taxpayer-funded paid carer.
Dad had a fall on New Year’s Eve 2015 due to his dizzy spells and spent a week in hospital. He was out only just over a week when he had another fall, this time breaking his hip, shoulder bone and a rib. I was truly out of my depth.
I had some personal commitments in February and March and we had previously planned for Mum and Dad to spend six weeks in New Zealand in respite care. When Dad broke his hip he realised I was no longer in a position to care for them and they would need to find a place that had someone available 24/7 after the six weeks. Dad had never been keen on going to New Zealand but agreed in the end.
Dad has over 70 years of wonderful memories from his life in Christchurch where he married Mum and raised us four children before they shifted to Australia in 2003, but the hurt of losing his eldest child makes going to Christchurch near impossible for him to deal with. In Christchurch Mum and Dad could afford a serviced studio in an aged-care facility but with the trauma of losing Philip Dad is unable to cope with living back there. They will now spend the rest of their time in Australia in a public aged-care facility in a hospital-type ward surrounded by others less capable or mobile and some bedridden. It hurts to see my parents in this position after a lifetime of working hard, scrimping and saving to pay off a home — to end up in this position due to others’ greed.
Andrew and his son Rhys shifted back to Christchurch in January, after he found his soul-mate while on this journey. Andrew had always intended on eventually returning to Christchurch but Phil’s death, a desire to be there for his nephews and finding a lovely lady to spend his life with hastened his return.
Lance is back in Australia now and Aaron is settled in New Zealand. I miss Aaron very much and constantly nag him to come for a holiday or come back to Australia to live. Lance’s daughter Dakotah spends regular time with the girls and me. She started prep school (preschool) this year and is a ball of energy and so much like her daddy.
Rajon and Lacau are in Year 11 at high school and have just turned 16. They both have their learner licences and are looking forward to being a bit more independent next year when they get their P plates. They are doing well at school and are such loving, caring girls. They often still cuddle up with each other; they are inseparable. I couldn’t imagine life without them. My four children are my everything, the reason for everything I do.
I had two approaches from directors upon my return to Australia, wanting to tell the story of Phil’s murder and the subsequent investigation and trial. Initially, with the ongoing appeal process and trying to get some semblance of normality back for my kids, I wasn’t ready to go ahead with anything. Thomas Robins of KHF Media kept in touch, and after a while I realised if something was going to be done it needed to be sooner rather than later, while the information was still fresh in my head. Then I could move forward.
It’s been a long process — two years from when I first sat down with Thomas for two days going through my story to the completed project — but it has been a therapeutic healing process for me. Working with Thomas and the KHF Media team on the telefeature Catching the Black Widow, funded by NZ On Air, has been an amazing experience, including some fun for the girls getting to play themselves in a small part in the film. I’m very grateful to those who backed this venture and worked on it.
MY LIFE HAS BEEN POSITIVELY impacted throughout this journey by many strong, inspirational women who have encouraged me to reach for the stars — teaching me that I can do whatever I put my mind to. Many of them have been through horrendous horrors and suffered insurmountable loss, yet still climbed up above it and helped others.
There are two groups of women I want to acknowledge. The first are the professionals involved in the justice system. I mention them in the order they entered this journey of mine, and none are lesser than others.
Coroner Sue Johnson: It takes a very unique person to do this job and an even more unique person to do it with the compassion and empathy that she exudes from every pore of her being. If I could turn back time to where I had the patience and peace to study law, my aim would be to end up a coroner.
Helen Knowles, Christchurch court victim advisor: I couldn’t imagine traversing the jungle of court without her guidance and inspiring chats. She understood my need to know the ins and outs of the court process and worked diligently to get me all the information possible. Her empathy is incomparable.
Kathy Basire, Crown prosecutor: Kathy is an inspiring solicitor. She brings a human side to the trial process and I hope one day to hear she is taking lead for the Crown in High Court trials. Thank you Kathy for being there and fighting for justice for victims of crime.
The second group are a very unique group who have chosen the role of supporting people out of the goodness of their hearts, with very little acknowledgement or reparation for the invaluable job they do. These are the women of the Sensible Sentencing Trust and Red Raincoat Trust who supported me and our family from the first SST Victims of Homicide and Serious Violent Crime Conference — friendships that were forged from common experiences of hurt, loss and the horrific journey that life takes after a homicide or abuse. It was a private club that no one would ever choose to be a member of, but once there, we were no longer the odd one out. We shared the hurt and pain of the loss of a loved one taken before their time or part of them being taken through abuse at the hands of someone with no regard for humanity or the law.
Ruth Money was the exception to the other women in this group; she had not been personally affected in these ways but had taken on being there for these people and working to right wrongs with SST. Debbie Marlow, Jayne Crothall and Leigh Woodman had lost love ones too soon at the hands of others and had turned their adversity into helping others.
Without this group of ladies I don’t know how I would have had the strength to get through the delays, the parole hearing, the trial and the appeals. Their experience, knowledge and support was invaluable through this process and I love them all so very, very much and admire their strength and tenacity. I hope that I also can turn my experiences with my current study into better outcomes and support for victims of homicide and violent crime.
This experience has taught me to trust my gut instinct completely. There is no better way to explain it
than this meme I found on Facebook recently, saying, ‘Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled and your heart is an idiot but your gut doesn’t know how to lie.’
It was my gut that told me that Tuesday night at Helen’s house when she handed me the note that she had murdered Phil. I trusted it and never doubted it. Every time someone tried to minimise my assertion to ‘you think’ or ‘you believe’, like I was a child, I would say without any doubt ‘I know she did it’.
I’d also like to thank the police who initially failed our family, because without their failure I would never have recognised how truly strong I was and what I was capable of. Without their failure I would never have recognised my potential.
Throughout this journey I have made new lifetime friends and also discarded some who turned out not to be the people I thought they were. I was played and deceived by many people but in time worked them all out for who they really were. A tragedy like this makes you see the world differently and you see life is way too short to accept BS. If friendships aren’t mutually fulfilling, then they aren’t healthy. Time to discard poison and move forward.
I treasure the friendships that have grown over the last seven years and the friendships formed through this journey. The uniqueness of those relationships is that we can go for long times without talking or seeing each other but when we do there is no distance or awkwardness between us — we have shared so much and become so close. These friends have enabled this journey through their emotional support and their help with accommodation and care of the girls and a million other things. They have all been there for me, encouraging me and supporting me along the way. They are all a part of this success and with them by my side they made it possible.
A lot of my trust in people and humanity was destroyed by my brother’s murder and the first investigation. I look back now and think about the ‘trust’ tarot card my friend Bernadette gave me years ago that has been on my fridge ever since, and her reminders for me to trust in the universe. Ironically, I think of that card now and think maybe it was also to trust that she was right and stop being a teenager and tormenting myself. In proving her right via experience, Bernadette has not just been a valued friend but also a wonderful mentor and personal guide in my journey like a wise big sister.
However, I often wonder where I would be now if this hadn’t been my journey. Amongst the sadness of my loss I see the positives that have come from it all, the inspiring people who have given me new direction, those that have failed us who have forced me to find strength and resilience, and the amazing friendships forged. I’m grateful for all these people, good and bad, who have impacted my life and shaped who I have become.
You never know how strong you are till you have no choice but to be.
A happy family portrait taken in 1970.
Philip and Andrew about three years earlier.
Phil aged 19.
Phil at 20. Taken at Maruia in 1991. He used to spend weekends with his church friends riding on a property up there.
Andrew’s wedding, 4 July 1987. Dad, Andrew, Roger and Philip.
The proud father. Left, Phil with Zak. Right, Phil with Ben.
Christmas Day 1996, Phil with Zak and Ben.
This photo was taken 20 March 2004, the first time I met Helen. We were in New Zealand for my birth father’s funeral. It was the twins’ 4th birthday party and Philip’s 42nd birthday.
Phil and Helen’s wedding, 12 November 2005.
Phil and me, taken 11 June 2006, before we fell out over Helen’s issues with Lance.
Mum, Phil and Helen, 26 October 2007. Our parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, and Helen’s first trip with Phil to Australia.
The family at Caloundra RSL, 28 March 2009, the day Phil and Helen returned to New Zealand.
Rhys, me and Andrew after the sentencing, 20 February 2014. (Fairfax Media NZ/The Press)
Andrew and me, outside the Court of Appeal explaining to media that yes Phil would have noticed his food tasted funny but had too much respect to tell Helen it tasted yuck. (Fairfax Media NZ/The Press)
The memorial after the sentencing, 20 February 2014. (Fairfax Media NZ/The Press)
Mum and Dad at the memorial — broken. (Photographer Paul Anderson)
Appendices
Appendix One
TRANSCRIPT OF HELEN MILNER’S 111 CALL
P = Police Southern Communications
N = NISBET, Helen
P
Police Communications, you’re speaking with Sue.
N
Hello, I’m not sure if I’m ringing the right people. My husband’s dead. I don’t know what to do.
P
Sorry, can you repeat that. You said it so fast I didn’t quite catch it. You think …
N
I’m sorry. My husband’s dead.
P
OK, alright, I’m talking to Helen.
N
I don’t know what to do.
P
I’ll look after you now, just stay with me. Helen, is it Helen I’m speaking to?
N
Yeah.
P
OK.
N
It is.
P
Where is he now?
N
He’s in bed.
P
OK. So you’ve just woken up.
N
Mmm.
P
Alright. And what’s his name?
N
Philip.
P
Sorry I didn’t catch his name.
N
(inaudible) Philip.
P
Alright. I’m going to call an ambulance now and we’re going to look after you so just hold on please OK.
N
Yes.
P
Alright. OK just hold on please.
N
Yes.
P
Stay on the line. Can we have …
N
Yes.
P
___, yeah we’re sending an ambulance now.
N
(inaudible) (time 0:01:00: continual crying from this point on)
P
OK, alright Helen. We’re going to send, we’re going to send the ambulance to make sure and the Police will be there too. We’re going to get someone, would you like Victim Support, someone to help you there?
N
(inaudible)
P
Or we can, we can call a relative if you like.
N
All my relatives are in Australia.
P
I know, I know, you must have had a terrible shock. OK. OK, you’re at, can I just confirm you’re at __ Checketts Ave in Halswell.
N
Yes.
P
OK. Now had your husband been ill recently?
N
He was in hospital about two and a half weeks ago.
P
He was in hospital two and a half weeks ago?
N
Yes. They don’t know, they didn’t know, I’m sorry I’m struggling here.
P
I know you are. Look I totally understand. It’s a hell of a shock. OK. Just stay on the line.
N
They don’t, they couldn’t, didn’t know what was wrong with him.
P
OK, they didn’t find out what was wrong with him?
N
No, they, they, they (inaudible) he had a stroke.
P
OK.
N
And then they said they thought it was a viral infection.
P
OK.
N
And they sent him home.
P
OK. So he’s been home for the last few weeks.
N
Yes.
P
How old, how old is your husband?
N
47.
p
47?
N
Y
eah.
P
OK, alright. OK. Now the ambulance will come and, and if there’s anything that can be done, they will do it for him.
N
(inaudible)
P
But they’re going to be there very shortly, OK.
N
Black Widow, The: How One Woman Got Justice for Her Murdered Brother Page 18