What I do see now is that Phil finished it off with, ‘All my love allways’ which was how he always put it into cards, with two ‘l’s in always.
I found a card the day after Phil died as well. Lee-Anne actually read it out at the funeral.
It was in an envelope in my bedside drawer. It is now in a box at home.
It was a love card about how much you love somebody and that person being there for you and all those sort of things. He hadn’t written in it other than to sign it.
The more I looked at that card over time I got more and more angry so I put it away. If he truly felt that way why did he do that?
It was a sort of thing we did at Birthdays and Christmas and things we would put a card into a drawer so the other would find it.
I understand that Lee-Anne has also described the suicide note as being formatted differently from the note I gave to Police. She is wrong. It is the same note. Phil’s parents were there when I found it.
The note was amongst all his papers in his briefcase. It was as though he knew I would be looking for bills and papers and things, just in his briefcase.
My son Adam calls me Mum. I have taken out a Protection Order against him now because he has got himself into so much strife he was harrassing me and threatening me for money. Kasey also took out a Protection Order. I have lost contact with Kasey though because someone went to CYFS and told them that somebody who had murdered their husband should not be allowed to look after children so I have a six month old grandson I have no contact with.
My signature on my cell phone is Helen. It comes up on every text I send.
I have fallen out with Adam numerous times, most recently around October 2009.
At the time Phil died Adam and I were getting on quite well but within days it had fallen over.
Adam had been using my car running around and I asked to have it back because I needed the car for all the family coming for the funeral. He slept in the morning he was supposed to get it back to me so we arranged to meet at the funeral home.
He got lost, lost his temper and got pulled over by the Police. He blamed me for it and it went downhill from there.
Adam has told lots of people that I poisoned Phil. He told me that if I didn’t pay his court fines he would tell everybody that I killed Phil. I refused to pay the fines for him so he went around saying I killed Phil.
Phil collapsed about a month or so before he died but we never got to the bottom of why. He was supposed to go to his Doctor about it but never did. It had them baffled. They ruled out several things but never got to the bottom of it.
I got out of bed at about 2am the night that Phil died and then fell asleep on the couch.
I used to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door.
When I found Phil in the morning I didn’t move him at all. I didn’t see anybody else move him either while the Police were there first thing.
When I went to bed the night before it was just a normal routine night.
Phil was already drowsy. I said “Good night” to him but I honestly can’t remember if he said anyhting back to me. Even if he was asleep I would lean over and give him a kiss and say good night so I am sure I would have doen that but I can’t remember whether he responded.
When I lent over there was mumbled response or something. It is all a blur now really. I know the next day the paramedics asked me the same question and I said he was drowsy. He was often asleep already when I went to bed.
He was a very heavy sleeper and never knew when I got up during the night.
I’ve been asked about Phil lying across the bed at an angle not leaving enough room for me to sleep conmfortably, but he did usually sleep across the bed like that. It was quite often one of the reasons I would get up during the night.
It would depend on the time of night whether I went back to bed and shoved him over, but if he only had another couple of hours before he got up, which was usually around 4 to 5am depending on what time he was starting, then I used to just curl up on the couch and go back to bed after he had got up and gone to work.
I have also been asked whether I ever discussed suicide with Phil. I am positive I never did.
One thing I do want to take the opportunity to say is how hurt I am about the way Phil’s family have turned on me.
I feel so beaten by it all.
I don’t even have Phil’s ashes anymore because they demanded them.
They stayed with me for three weeks. I had a power bill of $300 and a phone bill of over $700 when they left but they ahve done nothing to help with the costs. I’m still paying off my phone bill.
I don’t know what else I can do.
I have tried to meet them and look after them and do as they ask. The last thing Lee-Anne Cartier said to me was ‘I will destroy you you bitch if its the last thing I do’ or something like that.
Everything in this statement is true to the best of my knowledge and belief, and I made the statement knowing that it may be admitted as evidence for the purposes of a standard committal or at a committal hearing, and that I may be prosecuted for perjury if the statement is known by me to be false or is intended by me to mislead.
[Signed] Helen Milner
30 January 2010
Appendix Three
THE SUICIDE NOTE USED IN EVIDENCE
Appendix Four
POLICE SUMMARY OF FACTS
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First published by Penguin Random House New Zealand, 2016
Text and photography © Lee-Anne Cartier, 2016, unless credited to other sources
Front cover photo: Helen Milner at her trial, Christchurch High Court, © Fairfax Media NZ/The Press
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ISBN: 978-1-74-348729-7
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Black Widow, The: How One Woman Got Justice for Her Murdered Brother Page 21