I walked, staring down at the black tread gliding underneath my feet, and my mind tried to grasp what it might be. Fear ran through me. “Do you think she’s sick? Like cancer sick or somethin’?” I grabbed the rails of the treadmill. “I mean, she says that’s not it, but that unexpected trip to London has me really wondering. She was all weird then, too.”
“No, no, no.” He shook his head. “She swore to me that it wasn’t anything health-related. Then told me she was working whatever it is out with Cassidy. She asked me not to bring it up anymore.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I guffawed uneasily. “I mean, oh, okay. She just get’s to make all the calls, still? She acts lame, treats you differently, and can’t tell you the truth?”
“Jake.” Notting’s tone warned me to cool it.
I hit stop on the machine and stared at him. “I seriously don’t know what to say about the entire thing. It’s like one big long drama. You have no idea how long this drama has been going on. It’s one thing or another, starting with my dad, and then her…issues and now you’re officially dragged into it because you’re living with her.”
He stared at me pensively, running his fingers through his wavy hair in frustration as his other hand gripped the handle of the treadmill. I jumped when he practically punched the emergency stop button and then glared at me angrily. “I have been a part of this drama since before it was drama, Jake. Don’t tell me I have no idea,” he growled. He shook his head as his shoulders slumped. “I don’t think we should be discussing family matters anymore.”
Notting stepped off the treadmill without another word. I hadn’t meant to upset him. I thought I was the only one upset about our history. I went after him. “Notting, man, I’m sorry,” I said, tripping over my own feet as I followed him back toward the locker room. “Don’t stop your workout because of me. I’ll leave.”
“I’m no longer in the mood to be here. I’ll see you later.” He didn’t even look at me.
I stood there feeling stupid and glanced around to see if anyone was staring at me. A few people were. I was embarrassed. I looked in the direction of the café, only to see someone taking a picture of me with an iPhone. I instantly saw red and almost went off yelling something I’d regret before I noticed a gym attendant walk up in front of the woman, thwarting her motives. I didn’t stay to watch how that panned out and took off toward the free weights, thinking about leaving.
My heart was thumping wildly. I looked around and spotted a few instructors gawking at me, which only made my mood worse. Before I knew it, I was standing right in front of them. “Do you have a question? You need somethin’?” I hissed, my arms out to the side, daring them to say something stupid. “Don’t people mind their own fucking business around here?”
A girl standing by, wearing pink tie-dyed workout gear ,choked out her words. “Uh, no. I’m sorry if we’ve offended you.” Her eyes bounced around behind me, never making contact with mine, only with her bearded and muscled-up coworker’s. “Um, Mark, I’ll talk to you later,” she said and finally looked at me. “My name is Trisha. I’m the nutritionist here. If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask…I hope your day gets better.”
Trisha walked away. Now I felt like a dick as Mark looked me up and down. “Jake? Masters? Right?”
“Yeah,” I grumbled, not looking at him
“I thought that was you. I know you. Trisha…” he said, pointing in her direction. “Actually knew you from a few years ago, before you hit the big time. Great music, man.”
Faux enthusiasm sprung to my face, dipping into a tight smile that ticked at the corners of my mouth. I thanked him, looking around, trying to decide which bench I would land on. I wanted to be alone, and not have Mark carry on about my shit. Thankfully he got the hint and didn’t mention anything about me again, saying goodbye. As cordially as I could, I returned his gesture.
5
Jake
So typical of me; I didn’t let myself down. I was officially the number one procrastinator in the entire world. I’d waited until the last possible moment to talk to Aly’s parents about her move to New York. Aly was graduating in a few hours and we were leaving tomorrow. I stood in the driveway, leaning against my mother’s black Escalade, my heart thundering in my chest, waiting for her parents to come over. I couldn’t take my mother telling me to sit down and relax anymore, so I moved outside to greet them.
Mr. Montgomery was the first to come out of the gate, crisp as usual in his light blue checked button-down and black slacks, looking like the lawyer that he was. My hands began to sweat. Fuck. I pulled at the collar of my t-shirt and wished I’d dressed nicer. It was bad enough that he already thought I was a piece of shit. I could have at least looked like I wasn’t one, in my faded jeans with holes in the knees and a black t-shirt with a bleach stain. I gulped and stood straight. I had to stop myself from shoving my hands deep down into my pockets like I was twelve.
I stepped away from the truck as Aly’s parents moved closer, and tried to smile as sincerely as I could. “Hello, thanks for coming over,” I said, extending my hand to Aly’s father, Frank. I smiled sincerely at Mrs. Montgomery, who looked like she’d been crying. Great. She gave me a tight smile, as if she were holding back tears. “Um, you wanna come inside?” I offered as my voice pitched higher.
“Jake, maybe we should talk over at our place.” Frank scratched the top of his head and ran his hand over his face. “I don’t think Kate would really appreciate us coming into her home after all that’s happened.”
“Look, Mr. Montgomery. All that was a long time ago...”
“Jake, first we need to apologize to Kate,” Aly’s mom interrupted, shooting Frank a look of contempt. “And then we can talk.”
I was shocked that Frank just stood there, silent, looking off in the distance. He was probably cursing her in his head for embarrassing him. It was obvious Mr. Montgomery was being forced to play nice.
“Okay, um, look I know you and I…” I said, looking sheepishly at Mrs. Montgomery. “We never talked about what happened like Frank and I did before I moved away. I should also be apologizing to you. I was out of control. I was on drugs, and I should have known better. Even before I was high on those pills, I should have paid attention and cared more about what was going on with Aly. I was selfish. I admit it. It took me a long time to figure that out and let go.” I paused, reliving that moment when I’d told Aly I was moving to New York and going on tour with Eva James. I felt a pain in my stomach as if I’d just admitted, all over, that I’d also been seeing Eva. I shook my head. “Leaving was the only way I knew to make it all better.”
Mrs. Montgomery covered her mouth with her hand, trying to bottle up the tears that welled in her eyes. Her red nail polish caught my attention. It was an appealing accent to her otherwise natural beauty. She had the same long brown hair as Aly, with the exception of the light dusting of grey that framed her face. For the first time, I saw my future. Aly was going to be beautiful forever.
Silently we walked toward the house and I opened the front door and ushered them in.
Mr. Montgomery stood unnerved at the entrance to our kitchen. My mother was rigid behind the counter, staring down at her hands. I couldn’t really say there was tension in the room, but some weird vibe was pulsing. I wondered who would be the first to speak. Then I decided to go for it first, clearing my throat. “Mom, you know I thought it would be a good idea for all of us to get together since Aly and I will be leaving in the morning.”
She stared at me blankly, nodding and looked directly at Frank, waiting for him to apologize for all his harsh words aimed at her three years earlier. She crossed her arms to her chest drumming her fingers against her bicep.
“Look, Kate. I’m sorry. I can’t say I remember what I said back then. I just know it was heated. We were in shock that Aly and Jake had been running around behind our backs, with the lying and ditching school…and I just don’t run my life like…other people.”
He hung his head and stammered, searching for words that wouldn’t offend my mother more than he already had. I saw a glint of amusement in her eyes as Frank continued, struggling to apologize. “I’m really sorry for the insensitive things I said. I was out of line. I know you didn’t know what was going on either.”
I glanced over at Mrs. Montgomery. She was crying, wiping away the tears from her cheeks with trembling hands. It was as if a heavy wool blanket had been lifted from my face and I could breathe fresh clean air. Over three years of bitterness was gone in a matter of minutes. My mother was misty-eyed too as she came from around the counter with her arms outstretched to hug Mrs. Montgomery.
“Thank you, Frank,” she said as she held Aly’s mom tightly. “Carolyn, thank you, thank you both for coming over here.”
Carolyn stepped back from my mom. “Kate. This has been the most agonizing and longest three years of our lives,” she admitted, shaking her head. “Frank here likes to ignore the situation and move about like nothing’s going on.”
“Now Carolyn, that’s not true. I just know there’s nothing I can do about any of it anymore, so I carry on with my life. Just like the kids did.”
For the next hour, I explained to Aly’s parents my plan for having her in New York with me. I even invited them to come for a stay, which they politely declined. Then I was shocked out of my tree when he told me that Aly hadn’t yet decided on what college she was going to attend. How she’d been grappling between NYU and Pepperdine. She’d gotten offered a full ride scholarship to play volleyball at Pepperdine University in Malibu. My heart sunk into my gut. What the fuck? Academically to NYU – she never said anything to me.
“Didn’t she already have to make that choice if she’s supposed to start school in the fall?” my voice cracked. Fuck, I didn’t want to come off as desperate. What the hell was she thinking?
Mr. Montgomery hemmed and hawed, finally offering something I could use. “She mentioned she would make her choice over the summer and start in the spring. She has to make a choice fast; they won’t hold her spot for long.”
Great, I thought. My stomach cinched in knots. Did I really have to convince Aly that NYU and New York were going to be her new home? I couldn’t say goodbye to her parents fast enough. My mind was scrambling, wondering why after all that we’d spoken of, she’d be wavering about moving. What did that mean for us? Looking at the clock, I was relieved it was almost time for Aly’s graduation ceremony. Notting came home, looking a bit confused when he saw Aly’s parents, but engaged them kindly. I hadn’t been keeping him apprised of much in my life since their visit to London. I politely said goodbye. Five PM was rolling around pretty fast.
***
I sat in my truck with a nervous anticipation I hadn’t felt in a long time. I watched the students and families walk through the parking lot of our local community college; all shiny, pressed and fluffed, ready to graduate. Students milled, some with excitement painted on their faces and some staring blankly off in the distance, perhaps afraid of embarking on a new life, fearful of being an adult. I wondered what Aly was feeling.
Anxiety was churning. I thought of Amy, my sponsor, and her words echoed in my head. I didn’t need anything to take the edge off. No booze, no pills, nothing. I was going to be fine. All of these gnawing, uneasy feelings would pass; that I wasn’t good enough for Aly or that I would be a failure, a has-been, and not able to provide for her. My eyes bounced around from face to face as I fought my restless thoughts. Was I truly a coward because I was too afraid to face Sophia? To show her the respect that she deserved? Yes. I had to man up, I told myself. That thought spurred me to think of my father, too, wondering if that’s how he’d felt about his situation with my mother all those years ago, afraid of conflict.
With a deep breath, I closed my eyes as I took a reluctant first step through the gate, toward the football field and up into the stands. I turned to see white chairs precisely lined one by one next to each other, row after row. I never did get to sit in one of them. I scanned the area, not really making eye contact, not wanting to invite people in, not wanting anyone to recognize me. But it didn’t take long for the buzz of the crowd and the stares to reach me. This was one of those times when I wished I could just fade into the background. Even though our town had its fair share of celebrity sightings and professional athletes milling around our local joints, it was nothing like being born and raised there, where everyone knew you before you did anything special, which made them feel entitled to come up and be nosey with backslapping familiarity.
I just wanted to be left alone as I sat next to Aly’s bother and sister, Kyle and Allison, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I didn’t get what I wanted, though. One by one, I shook hands and repeated myself over and over again about what I was doing and why I was there – “I’m here for Alyssa Montgomery.” Or “Yeah, we’re back together.” Or “No, things are great between us, don’t believe everything you read or hear.” I wanted to punch half of these nosey motherfuckers in the face.
6
Alyssa
The last few days before graduation blew by like a hurricane. I could barely remember anything except Jake’s body, firm against mine, and his lips roaming every inch of my body. It was all I wanted and it’s all I thought about. I hardly cared that I’d graduated high school. The party my family threw me was all just a blur of festivity and happiness from everyone around, with lots of tears on my mom’s part.
Jake made his best effort to hang out, speaking with everyone, finally coercing Kyle into going to Guitar Center with him. I didn’t blame Jake for wanting to leave; people kept asking him way too many questions and asking to take their picture with him, even those we’ve known our whole lives – so fucking annoying. It was irritating to watch. It was also strange having him in my house, with my mom and dad.
No one spoke about me going to New York with Jake; that subject was off limits. My father’s last words about it were – “I don’t want you talking about going to New York with Jake. I know NYU is one of your schools, but people are already talking about how we’re letting you run off with some rock star.” Some rock star? Really, Dad? But I didn’t blame my dad for wanting to stay away from subjects involving Jake. I actually preferred it.
All I wanted was to be on the plane to New York and to experience a new life for a while before the reality of college slapped me in the face. The looming loneliness of Jake being away on the road again taunted me. I tugged at my bed covers, tightening them and smoothing them out. It would be a long time before I’d sleep there again. I glanced around at every surface and met the gaze of my own eyes in the mirror. I inhaled deeply, feeling as if I could cry. Wow. I sucked in another breath and exhaled out heavily, shaking my head.
“You wanted this, Alyssa,” I said out loud, staring at my reflection. “You got what you wanted, completely.” I nodded, checking myself out one last time. I wanted Jake to be proud to have me at his side. I had no idea what to expect, really. If being home and having all these people tripping over themselves to get to him was intense, I wondered what it would be like outside of our hometown.
I was so engrossed in obsessing over my outfit and the way I looked that the knock at my door startled me. “Yeah,” I said, grabbing my chest. The door cracked open, and it was Nadine. My heart ached. I was going to miss her so much.
“Look at you, hotass!” She rushed in, swinging the door shut behind her. “With your little tie-dyed cut offs and booties. Legs much?” she teased, coming in for a hug.
“Oh my God, Nadine. I’m going to miss you so much! I’m gonna cry just thinking about it.” My tears welled up as I squeezed her tightly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You have to come to visit as soon as possible.”
“I’m so there, are you kidding? I just have to save some more money. I have enough for air fare, but I need some for shopping, duh!”
I stood back from her, wiping away the trickle of tears from under my eyes b
efore they had a chance to ruin my mascara. “You have to come right away. I won’t know a soul there, and who knows, I’ll probably be battling Jake’s ex.”
“What?” Nadine squealed. “What the hell is going on? Jake’s ex? Who? That girl Sophia? He always let on he wasn’t serious with her. You know that! Bobby said he never even let her stay at his apartment. Calm down.”
A torrent of emotions ran through me. I was happy to hear her words, but she had no idea what he’d told me.
“Nadine. He’d been seeing her, period. For a long time, he’s been in a relationship with her…regardless of what you or he wants to call it. It’s no different than what I was in with Nathan. He told me he’d still been seeing her, and she has no idea that I’m coming with him to New York. I’m almost certain he’s still been fucking her up to this point.” Ugh – hearing myself say it out loud made me want to vomit.
Nadine just stared at me with her mouth hanging open.
I agreed with her silent sentiment. “Yeah, right?” I said, and turned, grabbing my luggage from off the bed. “I can’t be mad. I mean, what? I’d be a fraud myself. It makes me sick to think about.”
Nadine followed me silently down the stairs as I struggled with my bags, dragging them down the stairs – thump, thump, thump. I was waiting for my dad to shout out at me. I wasn’t used to Nadine not having some witty comeback. I looked at my phone, and it lit up – 11:30 a.m. Jake would be arriving any moment to go to the airport. I could hear Kyle in the kitchen, talking to my parents. An overwhelming feeling of sadness flooded through me. I was going to miss them all so much. I’d never been away from home for more than a week at a time, and now I was going to be away for nearly three months, maybe longer.
In our foyer, Nadine and I sat on the tiled floor at the bottom of the stairs, sprawled out with our legs in front of us, facing each other. The bottoms of our feet pressed together as we waited for Jake. We’d always sat like that when something important had to be discussed. I leaned against my luggage as Nadine leaned against the wall. Her hair had grown out long, past her boobs. She had it tapered around her face now. Her features had thinned out; gone were her full cheeks. She’d gotten prettier, only because she’d lost the need for all the makeup. She still had a million different boyfriends. She majored in marketing and worked a paid internship at some clothing company in Huntington Beach. I was proud of her accomplishments, and looked forward to my own.
Broken Notes Page 4