Broken Notes

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  For the next hour, we recorded the sad details of Dump’s illness. I talked directly to the camera. I was beyond anxious, and my tongue was so dry and thick it felt like I’d smoked pot, but I sensed I had to do it this way. It felt right to all of us, Me, Bobby and Dump. As I looked into the camera, I wanted our fans to know I was speaking directly to each of them and didn’t have our label or our handlers in mind. I didn’t care that Notting or my mother would be blind-sided. I only cared that Dump and Sienna were okay with it, and that our fans would appreciate the intimate way we delivered the troubling news.

  Dump finally arrived and joined me. We didn’t hold back. It would be the first time anyone would see Dump’s tears. It was hard for me to watch, and I strangled my own tears. That’s when Marty took charge.

  “If there was one thing you could ask of your fans right now, what would it be?”

  Dump cocked his head, wiping his eyes. “If you’re not feeling good, go to the doctor, man, and don’t smoke those fuckin’ cancer sticks. Since the beginning of our band, Jake told me not to smoke ’em. I waited too long on both accounts.”

  “It’s not lung cancer, though?” Marty probed.

  “Nah, blood cancer, Lymphoma, and it’s now spread, but I go in for surgery after we get back. We’ll just see how it goes,” he said matter-of-factly, pursing his lips. I slapped his back.

  “How are you feeling now? You look good,” Marty complimented.

  “I’m great. I’m about fifty percent. My first round of chemo just ended, and when I get back, I go into surgery and radiation. Shit like that.”

  “You’re well enough to travel and play?”

  Dump took a moment to answer. “It’s all I know, man. I want to live a normal life for as long as I can.”

  “What else would you like to do?”

  I watched Dump as he considered his next words with a trembling lip. I rubbed his shoulder, trying to comfort him, swallowing over and over again, trying not to cry myself. “You’re gonna beat this, man.”

  Dump gave me a tight-lipped smile, nodding, and looked at Marty’s pensive face. He leaned back and clasped his once-meaty hand around his mouth, looking up at the ceiling. Tears spilled out of his eyes. “I wanna grow old with my wife.” He sniveled and bit his bottom lip. A long, silent moment later, he looked over at me. “I wanna grow old with this guy!” he said loudly, smiling and laughed through his blubbering. He wrestled my head into his inked-up arm, giving me a noogie. The painful sensation made me yelp, but I didn’t fight Dump like I normally would have. I didn’t want him to expend any more energy then he had to.

  He finally released me. “I wanna keep playing and traveling and making music with my buds. This was a dream come true, and all of you fans…” He looked directly into the camera lens. “I wanna keep playing for you.”

  13

  Alyssa

  Finally, six weeks, and everything seemed to be in its place. I looked around, staring happily at our newly furnished apartment, but feeling equally melancholy about Dump and Sienna. They were all I could think about. I shoved them from my thoughts for the millionth time as I clutched the gift I’d just bought for Jake – well, really it was for our home, but I knew he’d love it – an Annie Leibovitz: American Music coffee table book. It had the stories and pictures of American musicians from the beginning of time. I walked over, setting it on the large glass coffee table, tracing the red letters on its cover.

  I looked around, proud of what our apartment interior had become. I’d moved Jake away from his favored simplicity and modern lines by mixing in plants, comfy patterned pillows and earth-toned throws; nothing frilly, but homey and welcoming.

  I sighed, wondering what next. I didn’t have anything else to keep me busy other than my twice-a-week yoga class. I couldn’t keep shopping. I’d gotten too accustomed to spending Jake’s money, and every day it ate at me as I sat alone, thinking about what to do with myself. The only friends I’d made were with the forty-something-year-old ladies at the bookstore, Julia and Ashley. I had stacks of coffee table books lying around, and no friends to invite over to look at them. I sighed, bored, rubbing my stomach. The gnawing feeling of guilt for not contacting the coach at NYU crept in. I needed to keep up my conditioning and at least train with the team.

  I laughed to myself – how pathetic was I? I knew what I needed to do; I just needed to get off my ass and do it. I attempted to befriend Sienna, but she was either tending to Dump or traveling around the world, modeling. The only thing I had to look forward to was Nadine’s visit. She was finally coming, and would arrive in a week. I was giddy with anticipation and couldn’t wait to show her the city. Jake had been away on a two-week, major-city-only tour for the release of the band’s next single and upcoming EP release. He would be home in three days. He’d asked me to come along, and I thought I’d eventually join him for at least a few days, but getting the apartment together was more of a task than I had thought. I wanted our place to be finished for Nadine’s visit and for his return.

  I decided to go for my customary daily walk in the park. I was startled when I heard my name being called out at the corner of 72nd Street. “Aly!” A female voice shouted a second time. I looked behind me, and it was Sienna.

  “Hey,” she said, winded from walking fast. “I’m sorry. I should have called you. Jake told me to call you.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, rubbing her arm. “Is everything okay?”

  She gulped, shaking her head, and began to tear up. “I’m sorry.” She clasped her mouth. “He shouldn’t have gone.”

  I knew immediately something happened with Dump. Fuck – why hadn’t Jake let me know? “What happened?” I gasped. “Let’s go sit. Here, come on.” I guided her by the elbow as we crossed the street and sat on a bench at the perimeter of the park. “Tell me.”

  She shook her head, picking anxiously at her red nail polish with trembling hands. “Jake just called a couple hours ago, and Dump is in the hospital in Philly.” She sniveled. “Jake’s been calling me every day, giving me updates, you know. He’s been amazing through all of this.”

  My stomach tumbled. Jake called her and not me? I haven’t heard his voice in three days. This wasn’t about me. This was serious shit. Her husband was dying, I told myself.

  “I’m so sorry, Sienna.” Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from too many tears. I was lost in her delicate, broken beauty. She looked way different than when she was in high school. Gone were the shoulder-length jet-black hair and heavy black eyeliner, replaced by true loveliness, flowing light brown hair, and long eyelashes. “What can I do?”

  “I’m supposed to fly to Miami in a few hours. It’s a big job for Ralph Lauren.” Her lips trembled. “He told me to go…Dump did…but I feel so torn.”

  She wanted me to tell her what to do. My mind raced to give some sort of advice. Go or stay? “Is he stable? I mean what’s wrong with him? I thought he was getting better.”

  “He’s just so weak and tired. He has a weakened immune system…”

  “What did the doctor say?” I said urgently.

  “He needs to come home. Jake said they’re coming home tomorrow, I guess a few days early. I can’t keep track.”

  What?

  “They must be really busy with details. I didn’t know any of this,” I offered. “I hadn’t heard from him today yet.” Or yesterday, or the day before, with the exception of a few texts. “Sienna, I don’t know. I mean if he’s gonna be okay. If he says he’s gonna be okay. I’d probably go.” I sighed. “I don’t know. How many days will you be gone?”

  “Just two.”

  “That doesn’t seem too bad.” Sienna stared off into the distance, lost in her tidal wave of despair. I didn’t want to be the one to talk her into going and God forbid Dump die or something. “You know, if it was me, I wouldn’t go,” I said firmly. And I wouldn’t, no matter what. I’d be by Jake’s side indefinitely if he was sick, I thought.

  She looked at me and gaped. “But you just
said…”

  “Sienna, if you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do, I’m telling you to stay here and meet them at the airport.” I reached out, caressing her hair down her back, trying to comfort her. I felt so awful, and all I wanted was to hear Jake’s voice. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t called me after learning of Dump’s situation.

  ***

  I turned over, barely conscious, pushing the fluffy pillow just right under my head. I could hear a dog barking. Ugh, shut the hell up. I knew exactly which dog it was, too. I could picture the lady in my building with her platinum blonde hair and dark sunglasses, wearing a classic Calvin Klein ensemble. Her little Pomeranian barked at everything, every person, and every sound. She must be in the hallway, waiting for the elevator. I rolled onto my back and hit the mattress with clenched fists, squinting at the bright light that filled my room.

  I rubbed my eyes and wondered what time it was. I’d tossed and turned all night, thinking about Dump, Sienna and Jake. Jake wasn’t in the mood to talk. I didn’t blame him under the circumstances, but it still bummed me out. I missed him, and had a pit in my stomach thinking about it. He’s coming home today, I thought, and my excitement ignited. I threw the covers off and was startled when I saw Jake standing there, leaning against the wall, staring at me.

  “Shit!” I gasped, clutching my chest. “Jake, what are you doing? How long have you been standing there?” I took in his disheveled appearance and instantly saw the sorrow in his dimmed blue eyes. I reached out to him with welcoming arms.

  His lips curled up ever so slightly, a strained act. He kicked off his black sneakers and crawled across the bed, wrapping his arms around my waist. He laid his head on my chest. “Sorry for scaring you.” His voice cracked and he sighed. “I’m so fucking happy to be right here, with you.”

  I embraced him tighter and curled my arm around his head, kissing his hair. The warmth of him swathed over me. “I’m so happy you’re home,” I whispered. “I’m sorry about Dump.”

  Jake wept into my chest. “He has to pull through.” I clung to Jake as he choked the words out. He pushed away from me, rolling onto his back, wiping the tears from cheeks. He looked exhausted. “I have to find another drummer.” He grabbed at his hair with both hands and squeezed his eyes closed, then looked at the ceiling. “We have SNL in a few days. Fuck. I can’t do this without him, Aly. He has to be okay, he just has to be.”

  Jake told me every sorry detail. The trip started out fine, but as the days ticked by, Dump got more and more tired and began throwing up, having to stay back at the hotel, bludgeoned by high fevers and sickness, missing even the Ellen DeGeneres taping in Los Angeles.

  Poor Dump.

  I couldn’t comprehend Jake’s burden, but I felt for him. We laid there in silence loosely holding hands. I wanted to fix the problem. “What can I do?”

  He turned his head to face me. His eyes roamed and studied my face, searching for an answer. “Come here,” he said in a low, raspy voice. He wrapped his hand around my neck, bringing my face to his.

  The heat of Jake’s mouth filled mine, and my want for him pulsed. I ran my hand up under his shirt, caressing his chest as his thumb lightly played with my nipple. “Mmm, damn I missed you,” he moaned as his sultry kisses traced my neck and jawline. His eyes brightened, diminishing the weight of his worries. “I need to hose off…” He smirked and his eyes glimmered. “And I wanna feel your wet skin against mine. Get up.” He winked and dragged me out of bed.

  For the first time, Jake wasn’t slow moving or seductive at all. There was urgency and a roughness in his actions, and while I was dazed for a second by it, I liked it. I kissed him hard. He spun me around, pulling at my hair so my head would tip back under the water. As the water cascaded over my head, he sucked at my neck, biting into it tenderly.

  “Ahh.” I gasped, surprised that I liked it so much. “Mmm. What are you, hungry or somethin’?” I moaned teasingly.

  “I’m hungry and thirsty for you. I wanna drink you up.” His eyes had an intensity firing through them, and he was as hard as a rock. I took him into my hand, and he pulsed in my grip. Suddenly, he lifted me. I wrapped my legs around him as he slammed my back into the black tiled shower wall. He filled me, and I panted with pleasure, weaving my fingers through his hair, gripping it tightly.

  “I love you, Aly.”

  “I love you more,” I whispered into his mouth, kissing him harder and deeper. He twirled me around, kissing and gnawing at my shoulder and neck. His fingers slipped between my legs, fondling and pleasing me, making my knees go weak. His other hand pushed at the nap of my neck, bending me forward. He took me from behind.

  Whatever had sparked Jake’s sexual aggression, I was totally into it.

  14

  Jake

  I woke up lying in dampness, naked. It took me a second to realize I was home and in my bed, and the reason why it was wet – Aly and I had stumbled, entwined, right out of the shower to finish what we’d started. It was dark. Fuck, I’d slept all day. Aly wasn’t next to me and I wished she was, thinking about what went down – her wet and throbbing in my mouth. The thought of it gave me an instant semi. The room was dimly lit from the streetlights that filtered through the window, and my thoughts urged me to get up to find her.

  What time is it?

  I squinted, looking at the clock on Aly’s bedside table – 10:30 PM. I laughed to myself and covered my face with my hands. Wow. My heart skipped,. I wondered how Aly was feeling. I’d never let her have it like that. I’d asked her over and over again if she was okay, and she acted like she wanted more. I jumped up grabbing a pair of sweats from the closet and went after her, and as soon as I reached the door I heard voices.

  Motherfucker – my mother and Notting.

  I gulped and my stomach cinched into a ball. I wanted to punch the wall. I needed a break, a lifeline, anything to pull me from the black hole of drama. I stood with the door cracked open, trying to hear what was being said. Their voices mingled with the TV volume. Why was I surprised that they were there, anyway? I’d been ignoring both of their calls – all due to our exclusive interview released by some “no-name”, telling the world about Dump’s illness and streaming our next single before any major pub had the chance. I sighed, resigned to the fact that I knew this was gonna happen.

  I purposely told Marty to wait on airing the interview until after we left California, so things would be as normal as we could play off. I’d told them and Ellen, Dump had the flu…and now here I was, feeling like I was sixteen again. I scratched my head and opened the door, walking into the lion’s den.

  As soon as they laid eyes on me, time stalled. My mother’s eyes shot wide open and she covered her mouth, and so did Aly.

  “What? What’s wrong?” Aly looked horrified.

  “Um…” An agonized look spread over Aly’s face. “I think you need to go put a shirt on…and…oh my God.” Aly covered her face, talking into her hands. “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed.”

  My mother was flushed pink. She avoided my stare and looked down at the floor. Notting just shook his head at me and turned around, walking into the kitchen. I turned and rushed into the bathroom, flipping on the light…shit! I was covered in hickies! All over my chest and neck. There was even one on my jaw. I wanted to burst out laughing.

  Perfect.

  I was gonna look like a leper for our SNL appearance.

  ***

  Sniffle – I heard Aly rush past me while I was in the guest bathroom, assessing my vampire wounds. I had to ask Notting and my mother to leave after I looked in on Aly to grab a shirt. She was pacing back and forth in our bedroom, talking to herself, trying to keep her hysterics at bay. My mother didn’t say one word to me, only looking at me with pained frustration. Notting slapped my back on the way out – “Well, son, we’ll take up first thing.” Dismay etched across his face, deepening his wrinkles. My heart sank, realizing his disappointment. Why hadn’t I at least confided in him?

  “
We had to track this place down. Bobby gave us the address after we visited Dump in the infirmary…” He carried on a few minutes longer, pinching his eyes closed, holding back his emotion. I wanted to ask about Dump, but didn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore, not right then.

  I shut the door behind Notting and went to find Aly. She was curled up with her knees to her chest at the center of our bed. She shook her head at me in embarrassment.

  “Are you kidding me?” She dropped her head to her knees.

  I chuckled. I really did think it was funny, a silver lining in the portable shitter that was my current situation. “Hey…”

  “Don’t hey me!” she barked, and more words rushed out. “Look at you…oh my God! I’m so sorry. I had no idea…I really didn’t…”

  I hopped on the bed, scooting next to her, and put my fingers over her mouth, shutting her up. “Quiet,” I sniggered again. “They’ll go away.”

  She sighed and crossed her legs in front of her. “Some of them are so dark! Look at your neck and right here,” she said, touching the one on my jaw.

  I grabbed her wrist and stuck her index finger in my mouth, sucking on it. “You were totally fucking hot. It felt good, you tearing me up like that.”

  She yanked her hand away from me, trying not to smile. “Shut up,” she huffed. “What did your mom say? Shit, I’m never gonna be able to look her in the face again.”

  I smiled. “She didn’t say anything. But they’ll be back first thing in the morning.” I paused, rubbing her bare thigh. She wore a little black slip dress trimmed in lace, and she wasn’t wearing any underwear. “Mmm,” I teased as I ran my hand over her stomach.

  She laughed and squirmed, pulling my hand out from under her dress. “Stop it.”

  “I’m hungry.” I rolled over, pulling her closer to me.

  “Jake!”

  “No, really. I’m really hungry.” I held up my hand in submission. “Food. Feed me.”