“Spit it out then. What’s wrong?” A burning urgency ran over me. “Don’t be dramatic. Just say what you have to say.”
She gulped, sucking in a deep breath. “Notting and I…well I wanted to do this during your visit home, but you avoided us.” She sighed, shifting nervously in her seat. “And Notting reminded me that you still needed to finish your media tour, so we held off.”
“Are you guys getting married? What?” The unknown pressed down on my shoulders.
“Jake this isn’t easy for me, just be quiet, please.” She sat up straighter, looking down at her lap, smoothing out her sky blue skirt. When she looked back at me, her eyes pooled with tears. My heart raced. “First let me say that I had no idea all this time, up until Christmas, when I decided to find out for sure. There are so many things that have happened between Notting and I, so many years have passed…that led me to believe, that led up to this…” She dug in her purse, taking out a tissue. She dabbed her eyes. “You’ve…”
“Mom! Cut the shit…say it!” I barked, insistent. I watched her chest rise and fall. Was it fear I saw on her face? “Just say what you have to say.” I begged, under my breath and sat at the edge of my seat.
“Your father, Michael…” My mom looked like she was gonna pass out. My father…she must have found out about his cheating after all this time.
“Mom…look…”
“Notting…” Her voice rose over mine, interrupting me, “is your father, not Michael.”
I stopped breathing.
17
Jake
“You’re kidding, right?” Dump’s gravely voice echoed in my ears. I sat staring at him, unfocused. Aly stood behind me silently, rubbing my shoulders. “What the fuck is going on…and she said she just found this out?”
“That’s what she said,” I confirmed.
“And Notting just found all this out, too?”
“Yep.”
“Fuck.” Dump’s once meaty hand rubbed his bald head. “What did he say to you?”
“I haven’t seen him yet. I left my pad at some point. I don’t even remember what I said to my mom when I left. Next thing I knew, I was walking the park, and then Aly met me sitting on a some bench.”
Sienna rubbed tenderly at Dump’s arm. “Aly called and asked me to let them know when Notting and Kate left. But they called and said they’d be coming over later. Kate said she’d let us know,” she explained somberly.
I glanced back and forth between everyone. “Dude, I totally blacked out,” I admitted and that scared me. “Like, I seriously don’t recall what I did between the time Kate’s crazy confession and Aly meeting me on that park bench.”
“Man, I’m sorry. This is some fucked up shit goin’ on. Me dyin’ of cancer…”
“You’re not dying,” I countered firmly.
“Uh, yes I am, my friend. I’m sick as fuck. This shit is eating me from the inside out and it doesn’t look good.”
Anger simmered inside me. “Fuck!” I tried to hold back my frustration and fury. I grabbed the back of my head, bending over my lap and taking in deep breaths, but I couldn’t hold it in. I stood, rushing past Aly and Sienna.
Aly came after me and stood at a distance, watching my meltdown. I paced back and forth in front of the window, looking down onto the city streets below. Tears streamed down my face.
Dad…Dump…Why?
Sorrow was etched on Aly’s face. Her fingers pressed to her lips as she stood there, quietly watching me. She wiped her own tears from her cheeks. “I think we should go, Jake. We can come back tomorrow.”
“I need to stay here with Dump. I haven’t spent any time with him since we’ve been back.”
“It’s only been two days. He just got home from the hospital. We can come back tomorrow.”
“No!” I shouted. “I’m staying here. I need more time with him, today, not tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow.” As soon as I said that, I turned around and Sienna was standing there.
Fuck.
“What do you mean, there might not be a tomorrow?” she shrieked. “There’s gonna be a tomorrow! And a next day and a next day.” She began to bawl and rushed past Aly, then threw her arms around me, sobbing.
***
A week later, Bobby and I sat in some random Mid-Town pizza joint, waiting for Devon. Nadine had finally come to visit, and I was glad she was keeping Aly busy. Her visit couldn’t have come at a better or worse time, but it allowed me the space to sort out my immediate life. I felt was as if I was floating in a dream. I was completely disconnected from the space around me.
I knew I was with Bobby and chewing on a pepperoni pizza slice, but it didn’t seem real. It tasted like plastic. I wasn’t sleeping and to top it off every time I went to my guitar and held it, nothing came to me, nothing at all.
In a matter of a few short months, my perfect life, the one I’d been wishing, hoping, and planning for with Aly, imploded. Dump was fighting for his life, my father wasn’t really my father, and Aly was having a change of heart about going to school at NYU. She admitted to not being sure in the first place and complained about the volleyball team not being up to par. I wondered if she was making it all up. How bad of a team could it really be? I reminded her of what she’d told me – “My goal is to get my degree. I can play volleyball anywhere. As long as we’re together, it’ll all be good.” She’d looked at me with regret in her eyes, and it made me sick.
“So why is Aly changing her mind now about where she wants to go to school?” Bobby asked through a mouthful.
“I knew it.” I shook my head at my recollection.
He cocked his head and stopped chewing. “What do you mean you knew it?”
“I just knew it,” I said, throwing my pizza crust onto my paper plate. “She always kinda wavered, and now apparently this team really sucks, and her dad mentioned it once.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“What can I do?” I raised my voice. “I can’t force her to stay.”
“Are you gonna break up?”
My stomach soured at his question. He stopped chewing as he waited for my answer.
“You know, I don’t know.” Anger roused inside me and for the first time, I wanted to tell her to fuck off. I felt like she’d led me on. “If she leaves, I’m not gonna have a long-distance relationship. Fuck that.”
Bobby’s eyes grew wide. “It’s not that bad.”
“I’m glad it works out for you,” I said flatly.
My phone rang out. It was my mother again. I’d yet to talk to her since she’d told me about Notting being my real father. Notting hadn’t reached out to me at all, and I was harboring resentment about that too. Why hadn’t he reached out to me? I was his son, after all.
I was drowning in my thoughts when Devon finally joined us, forcing me to be in the moment. We spent the rest of the afternoon mapping out our next three months. It was the first time, Notting wasn’t a part of it. I refused to reach out to him. He was the parent. He and my mother were the ones who created everything about me. He was the one that needed to reach out first, in my mind. We were leaving with Eva in October, with or without Notting’s experienced advice.
Top priority – I needed to find another guitarist, because Devon was now our drummer.
***
The August heat was steaming, the air thick with moisture as we strode out of NYU. Aly stopped as she pushed the bright yellow crosswalk button. She dropped her grey backpack at her feet. I picked it up and slung it over my shoulder. She pulled her long hair up, piling it on the top of her head, tying it up with an elastic band, and turned to face me with regret. I’d surprised her at volleyball practice. I’d looked around for Nadine, thinking she might be hanging around too, but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
From my private view, hidden behind the gym stands, it seemed obvious Aly was better than the girls she was training with. In each drill they ran through, she was faster and the most consistent with her hitting. Sure she wasn’t a
middle blocker, but her vertical jump was off the charts for her height, and her defensive skills and ball control were spot-on. She never let a ball hit the ground, and her passing was impeccable. I watched as Aly made impossible recoveries, getting the ball up, and the disappointment time and time again when a teammate would let it drop.
I knew the difference between a Division 1 and a Division 3 school – these girls looked like a bunch of high schoolers compared to Aly. Aly needed to be with a Division 1 or 2 school. My heart sank deeper into my chest at the realization that I couldn’t hold her back from her passion.
She threw me a quirky grin. “You’re a stinker.” She pointed her finger at me.
I laughed. “Am I?” I sniffed my underarms, and she shoved me.
“Stop it!” she guffawed, looking over her shoulder. No one minded us. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Just left the guys…” I chuckled at her embarrassment of me. The light turned green and I grabbed her elbow, prompting her into the street. “And thought I’d try and catch you.” I flung my arm over her shoulder, and she grabbed my hand with the both of hers, kissing my wrist. “Where’s Nadine?”
“She hooked up with Sienna. She tagged along here and then took off to meet her.”
“Huh,” I nodded, thinking. That was a good thing. Sienna needed someone to lean on other than me. I wished she’d stop texting me. I didn’t blame her, but I had too much other shit to worry about. “Let’s grab a cab,” I suggested. I was eager just to be home, alone with Aly. It’d been strained the past week since the nuclear detonation of my family life, and since Nadine’s arrival, we’d barely touched each other. “I say we grab some Chinese and hole up alone for as long as we can.”
She sighed, smiling. “I’d like that.”
“Only like?” I teased.
She gave me a playful leer. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you more.” I nuzzled her ear and kissed her neck. “Mmm. Salty.”
“Eww, gross.” She removed my arm from her shoulder and laughed. “I’m sure I’m the stinker.”
“You never stink.” I winked and stepped into the street to hail a cab.
I’d decided to order Chinese for delivery. When we arrived home, I quickly unplugged a bottle of Pinot Noir and poured a glass – I noted that I was starting to like the wine thing a little too much. I watched myself pour it to the rim, but what the fuck, there was no harm in a couple of glasses. Aly got into the shower, and I tried to relax on the sofa. We were alone for the time being, and I was feeling more normal than I had in days.
I grabbed the down-filled pillow that sat next to me, reclining back into it, thinking about Notting and Michael. I tried to picture my dad’s face, remembering him. He had dark hair and a strong build. I recalled how his dark eyes danced when I caught my first line drive in Little League, and he told the story to all his friends, including Notting. My dad, Michael, was proud of me.
I sighed, missing him. Did my mother cheat on him with Notting? Notting always made it sound like he was in love with her from afar. My brain couldn’t handle the thought. They were both cheaters, my mom and dad…what the fuck. Now it all made sense, especially why I looked nothing like my dad at all. Michael would never know that he wasn’t my father. Or maybe he did know now, if you believed in Heaven and all that shit.
I detected Aly’s fresh citrus scent before she even stepped into the room; she went from strawberry to grapefruit. I loved them both. She sat next to me, then pulled the towel from her head, and her damp hair fell over her bare shoulders. She was wearing a strapless cotton blue tie-dyed sundress. I loved when she wore strapless anything. She had amazing shoulders. I leaned over, kissing and sucking the smooth skin on her shoulder. She moaned, pleased with the feeling.
“You like that?”
“Mmm,” she purred and her hand cupped the side of my cheek. I scooted closer to her, tenderly tracing little kisses all the way to her neck, and she embraced me. “You make me crazy. I miss you.” She reached under my shirt and her hands ran softly over my skin, sending an instant jolt through me.
I shifted my position, running my hand along her thigh up to her waist, guiding her to rest back. The hem of her dress pooled at the bend of her hip. She wasn’t wearing any underwear again, and was as hairless and smooth. The sight of it made my junk pulse. Every time, it made me want to eat her up. I loved making her cum. I ran my hand over her smooth leg as she wrapped it around me.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so out of it,” I whispered, taking her mouth to mine. I’d missed the sweetness of her. “I shoulda made…”
“Shh.” Her breath tickled my lips, and she kissed me deeply, shutting up my excuses. “Stop talking. Nadine’ll be back soon.” She pulled my shirt over my head, and I slipped my hand between her legs, feeling the warm wetness of her. She sighed passionately. The buzz of the doorbell rang out and clubbed at my eardrums. And just like that, the moment was over.
“Nadine?” I whispered as I pulled Aly’s dress down over her thighs.
“This isn’t happening,” she whimpered and pulled me back down on top of her. “No, it’s not Nadine. She said she’d text on her way back.”
“Huh. Miguel woulda called, letting me know it’s the food.” I gave her a quick peck and hopped up, grabbing my shirt and slid it over my head. “Hold up!” I shouted when more buzzing rang out. I peaked through the peephole, and my heart froze in an instant. It was Notting, Miguel, and the Chinese food delivery guy. “You gotta be kidding me. It’s everyone but my mother.”
Aly sat up. “Who?” I ignored her and just opened the door so she could see for herself. My heart thundered in my chest as I locked eyes with Notting, my real father.
I felt woozy.
“Hey.” I gave Notting a weak smile and looked past him to Miguel, and then to the delivery guy.
“I tried to stop him, Mr. Masters, but he rushed past me, and I didn’t want to call the authorities because I know he’s your family.” He moved imposingly closer to Notting, like he would take him down if I ordered it.
My family. You mean my father.
I looked back at Notting. “No, Miguel. It’s fine. Thanks.” I stepped into the hallway and grabbed the bags of Chinese food, thanking and tipping the slight Asian delivery boy. When I turned around, Notting was already inside the apartment. I stepped back in and kicked the door shut.
Aly stood up and ran her hands over her dress, nervously staring between the two of us, and quickly moved past Notting without a word. She took the brown sacks from my hands and kissed my jaw, disappearing into the kitchen. My mouth went dry and tightness crept up neck.
“Hey,” My voice cracked. I had no idea what to say to him.
“Hey.” Notting moved to sit on the sofa, and I studied him. “You got another glass?” He pointed to the open wine bottle sitting on the table.
“Sure.” I walked into the dining area and retrieved a glass from the cabinet. Handing it to him, my question slipped out. “Did you ever wonder?”
Notting shook his head. “It never dawned on me.” He looked at me somberly. “If I had one inkling, Jake, I would have questioned Kate in an instant. I don’t know what to say of all this.”
“Me neither.” I was beyond confused. I still missed my dad. Michael was my dad. No matter what he did, what my mom did, or how Notting fit in. Cheating on my mom aside, Michael was my dad.
“What happened? How did this happen?” I laughed cynically, grabbing at the hair on my head. “I mean I know how this happened.” I gestured between us. “Was Mom married? You were my dad’s best friend, Notting. What the fuck?”
He sighed heavily, shaking his head. “I’m ashamed, Jake. I’ve always been ashamed of my love for your mother. You know this,” he reminded me. I already knew all this, but it was different now, now that I knew he was my real father. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. This man who’d been a part of my life, my entire life. “Kate and Michael weren’t married yet. She was confused. S
he chose Michael.”
18
Alyssa
I stood as close to the kitchen door as possible, leaning my cheek against the cool wood and trying to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t decipher anything. I’d left my phone in the bedroom, and now I didn’t know when Nadine would be back. I looked at the clock; an hour had gone by. She’d said at least an hour. I slumped, turning back to the brown paper sacks that stared at me. My stomach rumbled. I was hungry, even though emotions were tearing up my insides. I wished I could hear what Jake and Notting were saying.
I decided to eat without Jake. With all the insanity, who knew how long they’d be talking anyway? I tore open the bag, taking out the white cartons by their thin metal handles. My stomach churned and my mouth watered. I glanced at the clock again, and then decided just to go down to the lobby and wait for Nadine. I identified the chicken chow mien and grabbed a fork. Me and the ‘mien would sit and wait for Nadine downstairs. I exited through the service door in the kitchen.
I threw Miguel a nod and a smile, and watched him talk to one of our older building residents. I sat down on one of the many lounges that peppered the granite lobby. The woman he spoke to lived on our floor. I opened the box of chow mien, and the steam rose upward, filling my nose. I was happy it was still heated. I stuck my fork into it and took a mouthful. The old lady was complaining about the mail delivery and pointing her skeletal finger at poor Miguel’s chest. As if he had any control over the inefficiency of the United States Postal Service. Every time she lifted her arm, her unfortunate little Pomaranian’s head jerked upward with the leash, and it yipped and whined. I wanted to grab the leash from her bony hand and poke her in the chest.
I couldn’t take the lady talking down to Miguel anymore, and got up, walking outside into the warm evening air. Cars and cabs swooshed by, and I kept feeding myself while I took in the movement around me. I eased back against the warm stone wall of our building, just outside the doors, and watched the locals stroll along to wherever it was they were going. I was devouring the noodles, and realized I should probably stop, or Jake wouldn’t have anything to eat.
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