He placed his coffee cup on the counter and turned to face me. We were so close I could feel his aura wrap around me like a warm blanket. “Aly, you’re the blood that courses through my veins. I’d rather slit my wrists and bleed out than not have you in my life. You’re my anchor. You’re the reason for any of this.”
I could feel it all slipping away. That woeful saying popped in my head – when love isn’t enough. I wanted to be sick. The heaviness of truth constrained me. I didn’t want the truth. I didn’t want this reality. I wanted the reality that we’d planned for.
“I’m not going anywhere yet. I’m not gonna give up on this.”
He reached out and pulled me over to him. I wrapped my arms around his warm bare torso and pressed my cheek to his chest. “I can’t have you stay here knowing it’s not what you want or need.”
Now I really felt I was going to be sick. “Are you breaking up with me?” I said, shocked by his words.
“No. No I’m not. I don’t want to be without you.”
“Then what are you saying?” I tried to pull away, but he held me tightly.
“I’m saying that you...” he paused, treading, thinking. “We need to do what’s best for both of us.”
“And?”
“And maybe you should go to school where it’s best for you, not for me.”
“So basically you’re kicking me out?”
“Aly, stop it.”
My mind reeled. Breathe. I did need to stop, because he was right, but I didn’t want him making the choice for me. “Look,” I said, forcing myself from his grip. “I’ll make that choice, unless you’re using this as some excuse to get rid of me. I mean where is this coming from, anyway? I don’t believe you can make a call like that based on one afternoon of watching me play. There’s more to school than playing volleyball.” Now I was lying to myself, but it was the truth, sort of. I had to get an education somewhere, volleyball or not.
He shook his head. “I’m going to leave this up to you, but I know.” He placed the palm of his hand on his chest. “I feel it, Aly. You’re not happy. Yeah, sure, you’re happy with us. I want us as much as you do. But I can’t have you here, with everything else going on, knowing that you could be somewhere excelling and living the way you want to.”
So now I was a burden? “I can take care of myself, Jake. I know what I have to do. I love it here. It might not be the most ideal place to play volleyball…” I stopped, catching the words I was saying. They sounded ridiculous, even to me. Volleyball was what saved me from my Jake misery in the first place. It was a part of me like the skin on my body, but so was Jake. “You know what, never mind. You’re right.” I stood taller, rigid. “I’ll figure it out.”
Jake smiled softly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They were a pool of murky blue sadness.
“What else? You look like you have more to say.” I prodded, and my nerves tightened around my veins. He stepped away, leaning against the other counter, facing me.
He sighed and folded his toned arms to his chest. “All this shit that’s happened, that’s happening right now with Dump and my mom, just has me thinking about life, Aly. My whole world has been turned upside down,” he paused, searching my face. “And then I have you here.” He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands. I stood paralyzed, waiting for him to continue. What was he trying to say? Me here – me here what? Worry coursed through me.
He grabbed my hand and suggested we move into the living room, our living room, the room I’d decorated for us to begin our lives together. I let my hand settle loosely into his, not wanting to hold on too tightly. I didn’t want him to think I was desperate, even though I felt it like a looming storm brewing inside me. He might not tell me what he was really thinking if he thought I would break down.
I sat down lightly onto the sofa and tucked my legs up underneath me. “What’s on your mind?” I inquired, trying to sound upbeat.
“I just want you to be happy, Aly.”
“Okay. I am happy.” I smiled as sincerely as I could, but he wasn’t looking at me. He just stared at his hands that sat in his lap.
“I was so focused on you coming here and being with me and going to school, just those two things. I mean, I knew we discussed the whole school thing, and it all seemed like it would work and it still might.” He finally looked at me. “It still might work the way we planned it. The way we spoke about it, I should say.” He stopped there and just looked at me, his blue eyes intently taking me in. “You knew you had reservations, Aly.” He shook his head. “And you never told me. I had to hear about it from your dad.”
My stomach went sour. I tried to ignore that fact. I still wanted to ignore it. “Jake, I just want to make the right choice, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re the right choice.”
His shoulders slumped and he moved closer to me. Then he leaned over, kissing my shoulder. “I wanna always be your first choice.” He continued with the little tender kisses, his lips warm and soft against my skin, and my insides turned to mush. “I just want you to make the right choice for your future.” He sat up. “Like I did when I left California.”
I felt slight panic arise. I knew he was right, but I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. I really felt like I wanted to try and make this going to school in New York thing work. “I need time to think about it. That’s why I put off school to the spring in the first place.”
“So you knew you might change your mind?”
I was embarrassed. I felt stupid for not being honest with him in the first place. “I didn’t know what I wanted to do about school. All I know is I want to be with you.”
I felt so juvenile, so inadequate at that moment. I sounded so young and dumb, playing back the words that had just fallen out of my mouth, but they were the truth. Just like Jake’s words – all he thought about was having me with him. We were both young and dumb. We sat for a long while in silence. Jake turned on the TV and we just sat, staring at it. I didn’t even know what we were watching. He finally took my hand in his, and this time I held it and brought it to my chest.
I was holding on to it like if I let it go it would all slip away for good.
***
Nadine finally breezed through the door at 10:15 AM. Jake and I attacked her with questions. She held up her hands for us to halt with our torrent of words, as she laughed wide-eyed in disbelief that we could be so concerned about her whereabouts.
“You know this is all so flattering that you both care about what I’ve been doing.” She crumbled into the chair next to us, looking worse for the wear. “Oh, Jake, if you weren’t sitting there half-dressed with your sexy half showing, I would almost believe you really cared.”
I held in my laugh and shot a glance at Jake, and he was actually blushing. Then I guffawed. “Oh, look, Nadine! You embarrassed him.”
“No she didn’t,” he stated firmly and slowly, grabbing the pillow next to him and covered his chest. “Nadine, stop staring at my tits.”
We all laughed heartily. Nadine was the first to quiet down, and looked contemplative. “You know. I think I could be in love with Marty.”
My mouth fell open, and I quickly shut it and glanced at Jake. He looked horrified. “Um, what?” I asked, as if I missed what she said. Maybe I was hearing things.
“You gotta be kidding me!” Jake snickered. “Nadine. Do. Not. Fuck with Marty. He’s a nice kid, and…”
“Kid?” Nadine cut in. “He’s only a few years younger than you, Jake. He’s the same age as me.”
“Nadine, you can’t be serious. You just met him, and…”
“And he’s not your type!” Jake barked loudly and stood up. “Are you fucking kidding us? Did you fuck around with him?” Jake hovered over her like an anxious mother hen.
“Oh my God!” I nearly spit, holding in my laughter. Jake looked as if he was seriously concerned. He couldn’t be. Could he? “Jake!”
“What?” He looked over at me, and then laid his eyes back on Nadine. “Did you?�
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Nadine looked at me, alarmed. “He isn’t seriously serious, is he?” Her forehead crinkled with concern.
“Jake, stop it!” I laughed anxiously.
“Okay, calm down!” She sat up straight, holding her hands up. “No, I didn’t fuck him.” She looked at me thoughtfully. “But if he tried, I probably woulda.”
Jake slapped his forehead, collapsing down on the sofa. He fell over onto me, burying his head in my lap. “What is going on with our life, and the people in it?” His muffled warm breath seeped over my thighs. I lifted my leg, forcing him to sit up.
“What’s the big deal if she did, anyway?” I wondered out loud.
“Yeah!” Nadine chimed.
“First of all, the guy works for me, and second of all…” Jake began to stammer. “I just…I don’t need you getting him all jacked up in the head. The guy probably never had a girlfriend, and…and now you come strolling into his life.” He got up, looking at the both of us like we’d lost our minds, and disappeared into the other room.
“Oh my God,” Nadine said under her breath, covering her mouth. “Is he really upset?”
I nodded. “I think so.” I was still smiling, trying not to laugh. “I can’t believe how upset he his.”
“I can hear you!” he shouted and came from out from the hallway, pulling a shirt over his head.
“What is going on with you?” I demanded. “Why are you freaking out?”
He shook his head, a forlorn look stamped on his face. “Nadine, I just don’t need any more bullshit happening around me. I don’t know Marty all that well, but what I do know is he’s a good guy, and you’re leaving back to California. When are you leaving anyway?”
Nadine pouted. “In a few days, on Monday.”
“Okay, and when are you seeing him again?”
Nadine looked sheepish.
“Are. You. Seeing. Him. Again?” Jake asked, agitated.
I had to do something. Jake was acting like a crazy person. “Hey.” I placed myself in front of him. “You stop this. She’s not a child, and neither is he.” I stood on my tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
“I just don’t want him getting all fucked up in the head because of her.” He threw his arm out at Nadine. “No offense, Nadine. I just can’t deal with stepping on one more piece of shit.”
“I get it,” Nadine said, remorsefully. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry!” I cried.
She smiled slyly. “I’m not sorry.” She shook her head, and threw Jake a surly glance. “Don’t be a dick, Jake. He’s got balls, and asked me to hang out again. He’s gonna be here in an hour. We’re gonna go to the Museum of Natural History. You two should come with us.” She spun on her heels and walked towards the guestroom. “I think he’s…what’s a good word for him?” Nadine said, turning back to face us. She looked at the ceiling and crossed her arms to her chest, tapping her lips with an index finger. “He’s groovy, smart, and unlike anyone I’ve met. So why not?”
20
Alyssa
I never did like tourist crowds, and being in a sea of people when feeling the weight of uncertainty pressing down on me was nearly unbearable. I wanted to talk more. All of a sudden, I felt the urge to hash out our differences, and get to the bottom of what would be the best for the both of us as a couple and as individuals.
All I could hear in my head were the echoing of his words – “I’m gonna be gone anyway.” What the hell was that supposed to mean? That it didn’t matter where I was at, because he would be gone? Basically, it was the sad truth, and I had to deal with it, and dealing with it back in Los Angeles was the best thing for me. He was right. Why would I want to stay in New York, when he’d be gone anyway? It would be one thing if I loved the volleyball team at NYU. I could see myself staying here and being happy with my school life, but without volleyball and him, New York didn’t make any sense. Not any more.
We finally made our way through the throngs of school children and tourists at the entrance. I had yet to visit this museum, and I kept thinking about the movie Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. Immediately, I wanted to go find “Dum Dum” the Easter Island talking Tiki. I took out my map, and I felt Jake’s arm surround my shoulders.
“I’ve never been here before,” he admitted.
“Really?” I questioned. I wasn’t really surprised that he hadn’t. It made me feel pleased to know we were experiencing something for the first time together.
“Never really wanted to.” He shrugged.
“I did. I’m glad Nadine had the idea.”
“It was my idea,” Marty piped, looking back over his shoulder. I didn’t realize he could hear us, let alone would be paying attention to what we were saying. “This place is awesome. Sometimes I come here to read.”
My first thought was, what a nerd, and then I glanced at Nadine. She was smiling up at him as if she really thought he was cool. I scolded myself for being snarky. I loved to read too, but in my house or when I was waiting somewhere. It never crossed my mind to venture out to a public place purely for the enjoyment of reading.
The clicking of heels on the beige travertine floors and the sound of hundreds of voices swirled together, flooding the halls. We made our way to Dum Dum. We stood in front of the gigantic Tiki, staring and waiting as if it’d say something to us at any second.
Jake moved towards it so quickly, he made me jump. He wrapped his arms around it. “I loved you in A Night at the Museum.”
“There’s a sign that says not to touch him.” I pointed.
“Oooo!” Nadine’s voice rang out, trumping my concern. “Take a picture!” She grabbed Marty’s hand, dragging him over to the massive piece of stone. “Okay! Be funny!” Nadine ordered.
I held up my phone and snapped away as the three of them posed on one leg, made corny faces and embraced each other humorously. “Okay. I think I got some good ones,” I announced and a bit of jealousy ran through me that I wasn’t in any of them.
I considering each image as the three of them had moved ahead of me. I watched as Nadine hung on Marty’s arm as Jake lumbered a step behind, his hands crammed deep into his pockets – a sign he was uneasy. Finally he noticed I wasn’t beside him, and he turned, looking for me. When he spotted me, he held his arms out to the side and waved at me to hurry it up.
Suddenly a sinking feeling overcame me, and the people around him seemed to blend into the exhibits. This was it. This part of our lives together was ending. I felt it like turbulence on a plane, and it made me sick. I forced a smile, pretending, trying to suppress the words of fear and anxiety that were about to gurgle out of my mouth. Jake reached out, wrapping his warm hand around my neck, pulling me into him as we walked in silence.
“Are you okay?” I knew I wasn’t. I wanted to talk. I wanted to try and work the tension out. “I know you feel it.”
“I do.” He squeezed me tighter to him.
“What’s gonna happen?”
“I love you.” I barely heard him say it, and by this time, we’d stopped in front of some bird exhibit. “I feel lost.” Jake’s voice was barely a whisper, and he didn’t look at me. I took in his profile in the dim lighting as he stared up at the fake trees and foliage. I reached out and played with his earlobe, and he finally looked at me. “I don’t want to lose you, Aly.” He shook his head. “I feel on the verge of empty.”
“You’ll never lose me.” He wouldn’t. I would always be his.
“You say that now, but the reality of it is…” he paused, shaking his head. “Neither of us will want to be alone for too long.” He turned, walking over to a nearby bench, sitting down. “Come here.”
He held out his arm to me. I felt like I my tongue was attached to the roof of my mouth. I took his hand and sat down next to him, feeling the stone’s coolness instantly seep through the thin fabric of my dress. What? He wouldn’t be able to keep his dick in his pants for too long if I wasn’t around? Was that what he was trying to say
? I searched his face, and his eyes were pained, squelching my harmful thoughts. I gulped down my doubts, but really, why would he say such things? My breathing became shallow, searching for what to say. Then he spoke again.
“My life is in the shitter. I mean, yeah, whatever I know people have it worse, like Dump. He’s all I think about, and I feel guilty for thinking what I’m gonna do about not having him on the road with me. I think about him and how sick he is whenever I start to feel sorry for myself about my dad not being my dad. My mom not knowing…” his voice trailed off and he shook his head in disbelief. “How could she not know, not have one little inkling, not one! And then Notting? Fuck!”
His voice rose in frustration and I felt like a jerk for thinking of only myself and my feelings. “He’s been dragged through the mud. Notting’s my fucking dad, Aly. He’s been my dad the whole time. He’s the one who raised me as his own and now I’m really his. It’s the craziest, most fucked up thing in the world.”
Hearing his words made me feel insignificant. Jake’s world was being rocked, and with my inevitable departure I hoped that wouldn’t capsize it. I leaned close to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, nuzzling the side of his face, whispering in his ear. “I’m sorry.” I softly kissed the side of his jaw. “I can’t imagine…”
Jake suddenly laid a kiss on my lips, shutting me up. “Marry me, Aly,” he whispered into my mouth. “Let me take care of you. None of what I said matters. Only you. You’re the only constant. The only thing, the only person in my life that’s been real.”
My mind spun, and I felt a pang of guilt and desperation, because I wanted to say yes so badly. “Jake,” I breathed in and held it.
The corners of his mouth turned upward ever so slightly, but misery was radiating from his eyes. “You’re still not saying yes.”
“You know I want to.”
“Actually, I don’t.”
“I do.”
“Then why not?” He stared at me intently. His blue eyes shimmered like a pool lit up in the night.
I thought about what he’d said to me right before we sat down. “For one, what you said just a minute ago, about neither one of us wanting to be alone for too long. Why’d you say that?”
Broken Notes Page 14