I hugged her tight. I was happy for her, and not quite sure what I was feeling. I watched from a distance as everyone I knew, and didn’t know, mingled about – accepting and giving condolences to Sienna. She looked beautifully broken, if that was even possible. She wore her dark black-rimmed shades, and her brown hair blew loosely in the wind. She appeared to wipe an occasional tear from her pinkish cheek. Her lips were as red as a rose, but her hair didn’t stick to them. They were naturally lit up, unlike the pale skin tone of last night.
I wanted to go to her, but I’m not sure why I was afraid to approach her. Maybe I was just totally immature and something inside me was stirring up things I didn’t want to address. I was completely uncomfortable being there. Jake stuck right by her side, basically holding her up. I’m not sure if it was jealousy I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure it wasn’t mixed in there. I just didn’t have a place in the grieving moment. My place was on the sidelines, as was the place of my current (possibly imagined) nemesis.
Eva had her eye on me, with her short boy-cut hair and inappropriate (for the occasion, or any occasion for that matter) bright pink lipstick. She looked like a cartoon character; pretty, but a caricature nonetheless. She kept looking around, over her shoulder, quickly locking eyes with me and then looking away.
Of course I kept staring at her too, but I was looking in that direction. She looked like a bobble-head. Sure, I was being silently catty, but what the fuck was her problem? I laughed to myself. I was her problem. She wanted Jake. Oh fucking well. She could keep trying, because it was up to him to either ignore her or have her.
In a daze, I strolled back to the middle of the pier, reading all the plaques embedded into its cement surface along the way. Plaques that read the names of all the winners of the Manhattan Open – which was volleyball’s most prestigious tournament, like the US Open was to tennis. I wanted my name forever cemented into the pier. That was my dream.
I looked over the massive crowd below me, and I could hear Jake’s voice over a PA system. He was speaking about Dump. Tears welled up in my eyes. I could see him standing a head higher than the other people on the pier, Sienna stood next to him, holding the urn with Dump inside. Jake had his arm around her shoulders – “…he was one of my best friends. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I’d be standing here.” Jake choked up, and I became a blubbering fool, standing there alone. “Dump was a solid guy, a survivor of abuse, a living testament to recovery. He was my rock. He was a loving husband…and the best fucking drummer a band could ever have….” Cheers erupted from the crowd, and I began crying so hard I couldn’t hear anymore of his words. I took off to the entrance of the pier.
I felt like I needed to leave. I couldn’t breathe. All I kept thinking was, there is no place for me here, and it was like my brain was stuck on repeat. I wiped the tears away from my eyes and face. I could see dozens and dozens of people gathered at the gate, watching. They were now watching me, the lone person walking away from what everyone else was trying to get close to. I heard my name in whispers. I thought about turning around, not wanting to cause commotion, but I just wanted to get out of there.
I nodded to the grey-haired cop wearing aviator shades and a totally disinterested expression. Without a word, he rolled it open, letting me out. I walked quickly past bodies large and tall, small and wide; children asking the same question – “Mommy, what’s going on?” and then one comment, “That’s Jake’s girlfriend, Alyssa.” Hearing that made me rush faster through the herd up the hill, and suddenly a large, firm grip held my elbow.
I gasped, jumping away from whoever it was, and I was even more startled when I realized it was Nathan. I snatched my arm away from him like the plague, clasping at my chest. I shook my head No at him and dashed faster away. What the hell was he doing here anyway! My mind screamed. I heard Nathan call out my name, and then he was pacing me.
“Hey! Are you okay?”
I ran across the street into the Green Belt, a wide mulch-filled path, densely filled with vegetation, shrubbery and trees. I headed towards my house, and he kept following me. “Nathan, leave me alone! I obviously want to be alone if I’m leaving Jake and everyone else down there!” I shouted angrily.
He jogged up to my side. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Why not!” I stopped in my tracks. “Why do you care? Why are you here? Why!”
Nathan stared at me, his penetrating green eyes hooded with perplexity. “Alyssa,” he huffed, throwing his arms out to the side. “Jesus Christ! I just wanna know what the fuck, okay?” He calmed and stepped toward me, and I stepped backward. He sighed, shaking his head. “Are you okay?”
I could hear the faint drone of the PA system floating on the wind, but I couldn’t interpret what was being said. What I did hear was Nadine’s words loud and clear – “…but maybe I didn’t know what type was the right type.” I felt like I collapsed on the inside.
“Nathan, just go. I’ll be fine.” I waved him off and turned walking away.
“Can I walk you home?”
I turned, astounded at his persistence, and stomped my foot like a five-year-old. “What are you doing here? Why were you there?”
I saw him swallow hard, and his lips parted. “I don’t really know.” Embarrassment splashed across his handsome, chiseled face, and my stomach sunk – Oh my God, I don’t want to feel this way! My heart surged, because I knew he was there for me. Then he confirmed it. “I wanted to see you. I just wanted to see you, with him…and you’re not with him. Why?”
27
Jake
Searing heat ran through my veins as I watched Aly and Nathan talk outside of her house. Nathan with his unzipped hoodie covering his head and his fucking sporto chest showing – what was he trying to prove? What a dick. Gone were the gawkers and mourners; it was finally quiet on our street. It was just the two of them, standing just yards away from Dump’s flickering candle lit tribute on my front lawn. Their faces were somber, serious, and I wondered what they were talking about: me, more than likely. The thought of it pissed me off more. It’d been an hour since we’d left the beach, and she’d not answered any of my texts or calls; now I knew why.
I got out of my car that’d I’d parked on the street, two houses away from Aly’s. She didn’t even turn her head when I slammed the car door shut. I stood there for a moment, waiting for either of them to notice me as I walked up, but they remained engrossed with whatever they were discussing.
Why did she leave? When did she leave? What the fuck!
“What’s going on?” I said loudly as I walked up the driveway. Aly startled and her chest heaved. Nathan’s jaw clenched and he didn’t say a word. He only looked back at Aly as if waiting for her to explain, I waited too, eyeballing the both of them.
“I’m sorry I left.” Her voice cracked. She was about to cry. Nathan’s manner changed immediately, growing concerned as he watched Aly struggle to account for her behavior.
That motherfucker was still in love with her.
Nathan cleared his throat and pushed the hood off of his head. “I’m gonna go, Okay?” He reached out, touching Aly’s shoulder, dipping his head to look into her eyes. She shook her head in acknowledgement.
I wanted to shout at at him – “Don’t you fucking touch her!” I didn’t, and it took everything in me to keep my fists stuffed in my pants. Nathan quietly left without a glance at me, and I waited for Aly to explain herself.
Aly’s eyes were pink from crying, matching mine. A deluge of feelings ran through me. I felt mad, sad, devastated, ruined, broken, and just over it. For the first time since laying eyes on her as high school freshman – I felt as if I didn’t want to fight for our love anymore, and the thought of that made me sink deeper into despair, because I loved her so much.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
“Because I didn’t have a place there…”
“Your place is right here!” I patted my chest, right over my heart, heavily frustrated at her selfish
ness. “And then Nathan? Here? What the fuck?”
“Stop it, Jake,” she whispered.
“Are you that self-absorbed that you can’t just be next to me without me paying attention to you? Just be there for me? Be there for Sienna? Dump is dead, Aly! Sienna is a widow! She’d been with Dump since she was thirteen years old! She’s a part of my family, you’re a part of me…”
I could have lectured and soapboxed for hours, but watching the stream of tears roll from Aly’s eyes down her cheeks took the air from my lungs. None of it mattered. She was somewhere else, and not with me. I wasn’t even mad about Nathan anymore. I knew it wasn’t about him either.
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do. I was so overwhelmed, Jake.” She sobbed into her hands. “I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be there for you. I just don’t know how. I guess I’m just not made for this.”
I bit my lip and swallowed the words of encouragement. I didn’t want to try and convince her that she was my perfect fit, because at that moment, that day, she hadn’t been. If she didn’t feel it, then it wasn’t in her. You can’t make people feel and do things they don’t want to.
“Come here.” I embraced her shuddering body, and cried too. “Shh, come on Alycat.” I petted her hair that hung down her back. “This has been the most adverse time in my life, Aly. Trying to stay clean while dealing with my mom and Notting. I just want to toss a fist full of pills down my throat and wash them down with a twelve-pack. Dealing with Dump and Sienna and trying to keep the music going…I don’t know what to say to you, other than I love you and I want you to be happy.”
“I love you too.” She squeezed me tighter and burrowed her face into my chest. I rested my cheek on her head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I want to be here for you, to be strong for you.”
“Me too,” I murmured. I was sorry, because I knew at that moment things between us were different. I knew it was coming since before she moved to New York. I knew she always had doubts, and we both forced it, hoping it would work. “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
Her head lifted, and her woeful eyes met mine. “You’re so out of my league.” She shook her head, and her teary eyes shimmered in the dimly lit porch light.
“No I’m not. I’m the same person you’ve always known…”
“No. You’re so far ahead of me, Jake. I can’t keep up. It’s too much.” She unwound herself from my arms. “I let you down today. I don’t want to feel this way inside. Seeing Eva there made me feel things I hate feeling. I don’t want to feel insecure, mad, sad, irate – I don’t want to feel desperate. I want to feel happy, accomplished, like I’m headed in a positive direction, and all I can think about is you and what you’re doing and who you’re with.”
“So what are you saying?”
“And none of this, none of what I’m feeling is your fault. You’re just living your life. You’re just trying to make everyone happy. I see it, I tell myself this, and it doesn’t change what I’m feeling inside.” She backed farther away from me. Puzzlement draped her face. “I can’t even explain it. I’m fucked up.”
“Aly, Let’s go back to the hotel, please.” I stepped towards her. “Please. I’m leaving in the morning. We’re on tour still. We resume tomorrow. Eva already left.”
“What’s gonna happen?”
Aly's voice was barely a whisper, tickling at my jaw. I took her face into my hands, caressing her soft cheeks with my thumbs. “I’m gonna make love to you, and we’re just gonna live, and I’m gonna love you every chance I get.”
***
For that slice of time, we were consumed in an impassioned ring of desire. All of our problems waned with every stroke, kiss, lick, suckle and breath. Disappearing from our reality, Aly filled me with a vigor that only she could stir. My hands, mouth and cock couldn’t get enough of her. Every moan and every whimper of pleasure from her made me harder, almost losing it. I had to pull out. I wanted to her to come before me. Fingering her, rubbing her smooth wetness, I kissed her all the way down to her navel, teasing her, until I took her into my mouth. She shook to her core, arching her back, crying out my name. She came into my mouth. Feeling her hot wetness spread across my lips and the pulsing of her on my tongue sent me over the edge. If I’d pressed my dick hard enough into the mattress, I would have come right then too. I flipped her over and slid inside her, gripping her hipbones. It only took a few pounding thrusts to see stars.
“Holy shit,” I moaned. “Fuck, I fucking love you.”
Aly straightened up as much as she could with me inside of her and twisted to kiss me. I wrapped my fingers through her hair, kissing her deeply, still feeling the remnants of pleasure. She detached herself from me, pushed me down onto the bed, and climbed back on top of me. Sticky and wet, I lay caressing Aly’s taut body and wrapped my arms around her pulling her as close as I could. I didn’t want to leave.
As if she read my mind, she sighed. “I wish things were different.”
I kissed her ear. “So do I.” Matching her sentiment, I rolled her off of me, turning to my side. “When am I gonna see you again?”
Her lips pressed together, and her eyes bounced around my face. “I bought a ticket like you said to do, for Miami, for a few days.”
Hopefulness and relief rushed through me, but only for a moment. “And after that?”
She scooted away from me, laying flat on her back. “I don’t know. Jake, I have so much that I need to focus on.” She covered her face with her hands.
I gently lifted one of her hands off her eye. “The holidays are coming. I’ll be home for a couple of weeks.”
She perked up, lifting her head. “Here? LA?”
“No.” Disappointment weighed on her. “Aly don’t look like that. Come to New York. It’s amazing at Christmas time.”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?” She reached up, rubbing my cheek tenderly. “I don’t think I can. I’ll have training. I’ll be starting school right after the holidays.”
What she was saying sounded like excuses. I wasn’t the insecure type normally, but as soon as I realized unless I figured out how to carve a few days off in between booked studio time with a new producer, whom was specifically flying from Europe in order to work with me during his only free time during the holidays, I probably wouldn’t see her. What the hell was going on with her?
Nathan popped in my head. That motherfucker. The tendons in my neck tightened and I roll onto my back. I was angry and hurt. I didn’t believe she couldn’t find a few fucking days to come and see me. What else was going on?
“So you’re telling me that your coach and your teammate are gonna be wanting to train during fucking Christmas time?” My tone turned dark and bitter. I was hurt, because I felt she was playing hardball and I didn’t understand why.
She huffed and burst off the bed. “I have dreams too, Jake!” Her voice elevated. “It’s not just all about Jake fucking Masters!”
Whoa.
“Wait a second, that’s not fair!” I retorted. “I never made anything about me! I’ve always put you first, Aly, as much as my career allowed. You’re the one that knew you didn’t want to move to New York, and you weren’t honest with me.” Her eyes sparked for a split second. She knew I was right. “I’ve been open to making this work between us, no matter what, and now you’re trying to throw some made up bullshit in my face?” My chest felt like I had a thousand-pound elephant sitting on it. I struggled for air as I searched for my sweat pants, putting them on. Aly stood unmoving and stared at me with a look in her eye that I’d never seen.
“I love you so much, Jake.” All of a sudden, she wilted, and her voice wisped like a feather. She bent down, picking up her bag, and dug out a black dress, slipping it over her head.
I was sick to my stomach and paced the hotel room. “What do you want, Aly?”
Her eyes narrowed, and she sighed heavily. “I’m not sure. You’ve had a problem being one hundred percent truth
ful with me. To save my feelings, or whatever it is you think you’re doing when you try that shit. It always comes out, and I know I haven’t been truthful with you either about stuff for the same reasons.”
“Okay…”
“And I just need to stay here,” she said loudly, cutting me off.
“Why the aggression? You’re acting like I did something wrong?” I motioned. “You’re the one I catch with what’s-his-fuck! Is that what this is about?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Then what is it?”
“I’m not made for you.” She looked forlorn and collapsed on the bed. “I mean, not in the way that makes up everything someone needs.”
“Yes you are. You’re the only one who knows me, Alyssa. Don’t you see that? Don’t you feel that?” I went to her, kneeling down to her, taking her hands in mine.
“Jake, you said it.” She looked deep into my eyes. “Sometimes love isn’t enough. I’ve said it, too.” Her voice faltered.
Emotions trampled through me. I didn’t know what to feel. “But someone like Nathan is?” I looked up at her. I wanted her to tell me the truth.
“This isn’t about Nathan, Jake.” She took my face into her hands and kissed me. “This is about me. I’m not Sienna. I’m not Eva. I’m not made like the type of girls for someone like you.”
“I’m gonna ask you again. What are you trying to say?” I reached up, holding her wrists, and pushed her hands away from my face.
“I don’t know. I just know that I hate the way I feel when I’m standing there watching your life unfold in front of me like a movie, and knowing that I want to do things that are so far off and different than what you’re doing.”
“Are you trying to say you don’t wanna see me anymore?”
“No. That’s not it at all. If you were here, I’d want to be with you ever day. I’d want to come home to you every day.”
Broken Notes Page 20