“What? You getting busy in there?” I winked at her.
She cracked a smile. “Come here, you, give Sissy a hug.”
I embraced her warmly, feeling her bony back beneath my hands. She smelled my neck and released me. It wasn’t uncommon for her to act strangely, so I didn’t think anything of it, but she looked at me with narrow eyes as I moved past her into her living room. I glanced around. Nothing had changed, except for her wimpy attempt at holiday décor.
I sat down, and she hovered over me, running her hands through my hair, and then smelled them. “You’re using again. It’s coming out of your pores.”
Heat flashed over me. I nodded in admission; what else could I do? She was like a drug-sniffing dog.
“If it matters, that’s why I’m here, and I haven’t taken anything since yesterday and I’m sick. I don’t wanna go back to rehab.” I took out the unmarked prescription bottles and tossed them onto her cluttered coffee table.
She snatched them away as quickly as I tossed them down and walked into her adjacent bathroom. I could hear her flushing them down the toilet. What she didn’t know was I had more in my luggage still sitting in the trunk of the rental car.
“What happened?” She came out with her skeletal arms hitched on her hips.
I gulped for moisture. “I need water.” I was totally perspiring. The withdrawal was really beginning to take effect. She held up one bottle and shook it, pills rattled inside it. “What? Why…?” I wondered out loud why she didn’t flush them all down.
“You’ll be taking some of these,” she said over me as she walked to her kitchen, filling up a glass of water from the sink. “It’ll help you come down, and not completely crash. If you can handle it, that is.”
She walked over, handing me the glass, and I gulped half of it down in an instant, lying back. “How many of these were you taking a day?”
I didn’t want to admit it. “Eight, ten, I really don’t know.”
She winced and nodded. “I guess that’s not too bad, some people take twenty or more.” She uncapped the bottle and handed me two. “Take these. Tonight you’ll take two more.” She scratched her head. “You should really just check yourself in…”
“No. I don’t want anyone to know.”
I fell asleep on Amy’s couch. When I woke, I was covered in a soft, mustard colored quilt, and ambient music faintly filled my ears. It was dark and the room was lit by candlelight. I sat up, still feeling shaky. How fucking long would this really last? I patted my pockets for my phone and dug around in the cushions. Looking up, I scanned the kitchen counter surface and spotted it sitting there with my wallet. I didn’t remember taking them out, but then again. I was pretty out of it when I arrived.
There were a so many text messages and voice mail notifications I didn’t even count them. I just scrolled through looking for Alycat – and there it glared, her name and the number 5 next to it. I eagerly tapped over and over at the screen, willing it to react as fast as my mind was spinning:
- MERRY CHRISTMAS. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I COULDN’T GET A FLIGHT OUT THAT WOULDN’T COST AN ARM AND A LEG, BUT I ARRANGED TO COME BACK ON NEW YEARS EVE. KISSES. HUGS.
- <3 <3 <3 WHERE ARE YOU?
- NOW I’M WORRIED. PLEASE CALL ME OR TEXT ASAP TO LET ME KNOW YOU’RE OKAY.
- JAKE? WHAT’S GOING ON? I JUST CALLED YOUR MOM I WAS SO WORRIED AND SHE SAID YOU LANDED EIGHT HOURS AGO. I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
- I TRIED CALLING. I’LL BE LEAVING YOU ALONE UNTIL I HEAR SOMETHING. I LOVE YOU. I HOPE YOU’RE OKAY.
A part of me felt happy she was worried. Those texts were the most I’d heard from her in weeks. My hands shook, and I wondered if it was from the adrenaline or from withdrawals.
“Amy?” I called out and focused back on my phone. My mother, Notting, Marty, Bobby and Eva had tried to contact me – wishing me Merry Christmas. I felt a tinge of disappointment when I didn’t see Sienna’s name – but it was a good thing. She needed to leave me alone, and I needed to leave her alone.
Amy came out from her bedroom, and she didn’t look like herself at all. She wore a black, form-fitting long sleeve, v-neck dress. Her hair was curled, and she wore knee-high boots. A red scarf was wrapped around her neck.
“Wow, you look great.” I marveled at her transformation. “Where’s my hippy chick?”
A quirky grin sprung to her face. That little tick she had made an appearance, a slight head tip and pursing of her lips, then a glance over her shoulder. “My boyfriend prefers me to dress more elegantly.”
My eyebrows shot to the top of my head. “Reeeeallllyyyy?” I sang out. “Who is the unfortunate bastard?” I laughed, and she moved past me with a slap to the back of my head.
“The luckiest man in the world is actually a retired doctor. His name Michael Cohen. He’s a psychiatrist.”
Hearing he’d been a head doctor made me laugh out loud. I wondered how old he was; he had to be eighty or somethin’. “How convenient.” I hunched over, really finding it funny. I could hear her giggling. “No, but really, I’m happy for you.”
She grabbed her keys from the counter. “Make yourself at home. You can stay here tonight and tomorrow, but you’ll have to get the hell outta here because my sister and her family are coming.”
“Merry Christmas,” I said to no one when the door clicked shut. I fell back onto the sofa and kicked my feet up onto the coffee table, contemplating what I would do while I traced the green and red Christmas lights with my eyes. They were strung around the entire room like crown molding. There wasn’t tree, nor presents, only the lights indicating that it was the most joyous time of the year – yeah, whatever. “Woo fucking hoo.” I twirled my index finger.
I’d sent my mom and Notting a text telling them I’d just woken up and Merry Christmas. They replied basically ordering me to meet them for breakfast in the morning. An uneasy, gnawing feeling ate at my stomach, and I wondered if I was getting ulcers again. I held out my hand. It shook a little. I supposed it was time to take another two pills. Tossing those back dry, my mind went to Aly again. I’m not sure why I wouldn’t call her, and I sat there staring at my phone. I didn’t feel like texting her, either. She knew she could have charged airfare to my credit card, if she really wanted to be there with me, but she didn’t. That was the truth of the matter.
I socked the cushion. Fuck her.
I took in a deep breath and continued to check out what went on with everyone on Christmas Day, which I’d slept away. Going to my social media accounts, liking pictures of friends and people I’d found interesting. Everyone appeared to be having the time of their lives, while I sat alone like the pathetic, drug addicted loser I was. I proceeded to tap on the Following tab and thumb-scrolled through what everyone else thought was worthy of a like – in an instant the rush of alarm numbed every inch of me. Nadine – NotNad – liked a picture of Whoisnate. Nathan was standing with his arm draped around Aly’s shoulders. I clicked on the picture, and they were standing in front of a brightly-lit Christmas tree.
The motherfucker was with her in Brazil. How long had he been there with her?
I scrolled through the rest of his pictures. He didn’t post very many; posts were weeks and weeks apart. The picture caption read: Merry Christmas Southbay! From Brazil, with Love.
“Fuck you!” I roared. My head pounded so hard it felt like a jackhammer let loose against my skull.
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. If I didn’t have an ulcer before, I most certainly did now. My hands really shook, and I couldn’t peel my eyes from the picture, Nathan’s sappy smiling face taunted me. I wanted to punch his eyes out of the back of his head. I tapped at my Favorites programmed into my phone, and hit Aly’s name at the top. The phone began to ring. What would I say to her? I had no idea. I wanted to cuss her out, call her a fucking lying whore.
Five rings and she finally picked up. “Jake?” Her sweet voice sounded, and my eyes stung with tears in an instant. I hung up the phone.
&nb
sp; I thought about all the shit that had gone down over the last several weeks, and I felt as if I was spiraling downward. I felt dizzy, and all of a sudden I was gonna puke. I ran to the bathroom and hurled, spitting and heaving, expelling what felt like all my vital organs. I wish, I thought, as I dropped to a heap on the floor.
Death would be too easy. I’m not that lucky.
31
Alyssa
My heart pounded violently in my chest, bringing on ringing in my ears and the tunnel vision so fierce that my sight went black for split second.
Jake’s text:
- I KNOW NATHAN IS IN BRAZIL WITH YOU.
“What’s wrong?” Nathan grasped my shoulder, steadying my weakened body. Then he hugged me to him. “You okay?”
I shoved him away and stumbled back. “I need to sit down.” I glanced around, practically staggering over to a wooden bench just outside the restaurant we’d just left. It was 11:30 PM on Christmas Day.
Why was I there with Nathan? Why?
I should have gone home. I didn’t have to stay in Brazil, even though my partner had. Oh my God. We just had the most amazing time together, I thought, and glanced at Nathan, who looked handsomely disarming with the ocean breeze rustling his hair. The most puzzling and exacting truth was, I wanted to be there with him. I chose him over Jake, thinking Jake was too busy for me with his music and, a la Jake – what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, because in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Nathan and I hadn’t even kissed, I rationalized with myself. I hid my unsteady hands under my thighs, trying to get a grip. I didn’t want to tell Nathan anything, but it came out anyway.
“Jake knows I’m here with you.” I shook my head, and there was a long silence, with only the subtle sound of waves crashing at the shoreline.
I felt the vibe in the air shift and Nathan’s eyes on me. “So what?” He practically spat at me.
Confusion increased inside me. “Nathan, why do you keep coming back? When you know I’m fucked up.”
“I could ask you the same thing.” He laughed resentfully and paced. “You keep coming back to me, too, Alyssa. It’s like we’re all fucking ping pong balls or something, except I don’t have another girl waiting in the wings.” He paused, huffing, his own realization shedding light in the darkest corner. “That oughta be the decision maker right there.”
“Stop it.”
“It’s the truth and you know it.”
“No it’s not! You’re just being an asshole.” His words burned me to the core, because it was true. I knew Nathan was always ready to pick me up when I was down.
“Than you’re really more delusional than I thought,” he continued.
What?
I jumped up. My thoughts were tangled. “Wait, what are you trying to say?”
Nathan’s green eyes grew stormy. “Alyssa I didn’t force you to be here with me, and you know Jake’s always off with some other girl, some “It has to do with the band” thing.” He mocked quotations, referring to Eva, and stepped farther away from me.
I thought he was implying that he or Jake was always the other guy in waiting for me.
I folded back onto the bench and a chill ran over me. I sighed heavily, thinking about Jake’s text and how I would reply. I’d just tell him the truth. Nathan was there with his family, and I had no idea when I’d committed to staying that he was even in Brazil. I couldn’t help that his mother was Brazilian and that he happened to be there the same time as me. What I did have control over was spending time with him. Jake was probably having a meltdown.
“I should probably just get back to my place,” I said, distraught.
“Sure,” Nathan mumbled.
As I walked ahead of him, a bit of agitation sparked. “You know, it’s not like you didn’t know what you were dealing with. I haven’t led you on,” I reminded him.
Nathan joined my side, with his hands buried in his pockets. I kept glancing at him as we walked along the boardwalk at Copacabana Beach. He looked despondent, making me feel that much more like a total failure as a human being.
“It’s the same old story.”
“I don’t want it to be though.”
“Actions, Alyssa, actions.” I nodded in agreement, but I didn’t think he noticed. It would probably be the last time I would see him on any personal level, and I panicked inside. There was so much about Nathan that I loved. I didn’t want to not have him on some level; selfish, but the truth.
As we came to the front door of my building, he stopped. He wasn’t going to walk me in. I held the heavy glass door open, wedging my foot in front of it, and turned to say one last thing. “Nathan, whatever’s vibing between us, it’s real. I’ve always cared so deeply, but…”
“But there’s Jake,” he interrupted, standing taller and more rigid. “Look Alyssa…”
“No. Just don’t say anymore.” I held my hand up for him to stop. “I’m sorry if you’re the casualty of my uncertainty.”
“We’re stuck in a vacuum.” He turned to leave, and I wanted to go to him so badly, to feel his strong arms around me and breathe in his fresh laundered scent. In all practicality, he was the perfect fit for my current life, but I just couldn’t choose. I was jammed in the middle of something I didn’t know how to get out of, having feelings for two guys.
I bet this was exactly how Jake’s mom felt when she had to choose between Notting and Michael. The thought of it made my heart ache for Jake. He didn’t deserve to have so much distress and sorrow thrown at him. He was born into a shit situation and didn’t need one taunting him. Especially after Dump’s passing. Ugh, I’m such a sorry excuse for a human. Jake, nor Nathan for that matter, deserved my lack of esteem.
“Thanks for an amazing time, Nathan,” I called out, as if that would make it better.
He waved at me unhappily. “It’s always an amazing time with you, Aly. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I watched him walk away until he faded into the night. My thoughts suffocated me.
Jake wouldn’t pick up the phone that night, or any other of the three days after that. We’d only exchanged texts, and he was basically over fighting for me with Nathan and I didn’t feel like arguing my point of his double standard – he was allowed “friendships” with old flames and I was not? Whatever, I thought sourly. I was both grief-stricken and angry. Even though I knew I was wading through all sorts of swampy feelings, it was clear to me that I’d made a choice after all. I chose Jake that last night with Nathan; otherwise I wouldn’t have let Nathan walk away.
It was December twenty-ninth, and summer in Rio De Janeiro was in full swing just as winter in America was taking grip. I’d been told, begged, and almost kidnapped by my Brazilian friends in an effort to keep me from missing New Year’s Eve – the biggest party of the year, other than Rio Carnival in February. Two million partygoers would be lining the famous beachfront on December thirty-first to see the live music performances and the firework display at the stroke of midnight. I’d miss the ritual of wearing an outfit of white, red, yellow or green, which are believed to bring luck, romance, prosperity and health for the coming year. I should probably stay. Lord knows I needed help with all that.
I’d spent the last few days trying to enjoy the waning hours of my time, hanging out with the friends I’d made and stopping myself from calling or texting Nathan to say goodbye. I didn’t want to give him any wrong ideas. I’d spent my last day alone, walking the Ipanema Beach and swimming in the impossibly warm turquoise water. Spent from my day in the sun, I was anxious for the day to end as I packed the last of my things. I would miss it there, but I knew I’d be back. Brazil was a hotbed for volleyball, and I looked forward to returning in the future. All I wanted at the moment was to plant my ass in an airplane seat and to see Jake. I’d stopped bothering him, but he knew I’d be returning for New Year’s Eve. I zipped my suitcase and heaved it off the bed. My room was naked and white.
Gone were the colorful sarongs I’d hung from the ceiling like a ca
nopy, and I’d given the tea lights and plants to our housekeeper. It was 11 PM and I refrained from texting Jake, even though my angst was eating a hole in me from the inside out. I crawled into bed, and thoughts of Jake and more romantic times filled my mind. I wanted to put all this nonsense behind us.
The continuous ping of my cell phone woke me, and I reached over, grabbing it. It was barely getting light outside, and the time on my phone read 5:53 AM. There were missed calls and messages from both Bobby and Marshall. As I scrolled, there was also one from Kate, Jake’s mom. My heart sprung into my throat.
Jake – something happened.
I listened to all the messages. No one had heard from him in nearly a week, the same amount of time as when he fell off the grid with me. Worry coursed through me, forcing me out of bed and pacing my stark room. I dialed Marshall’s number.
“Aly?” Marshall’s sleepy voice cracked.
“Yeah. What’s happened?”
I heard rustling and Bobby’s voice came on the line. “Hey Aly.”
“Hey. Tell me what’s going on.” My voice rose higher in a near panic.
“He’s okay. Sorry to have worried you. I guess he’s been lying low with Sienna.” A pause. “And he’s a mess again, from what I understand.”
“What does that mean, Bobby?”
“I think he’s using again. Hey aren’t you coming home?”
“Yeah, today, I’ll be home around 2 PM.” I couldn’t wrap my head around Jake using drugs again; he’d been so against it and determined. “What do you mean he’s using? Are you sure? I mean, the last time I talked to him he was with Amy, his sponsor. He can’t be.”
“Well, we saw him after he found out that you were with Nathan, and he was pretty fucked up.”
So they knew, too. “Maybe he was just drunk.” I sighed, totally freaked out. “Let me talk to Marshall.”
“Hey.” Marshall’s quiet voice filled my ear.
“Marshall what the fuck?”
Broken Notes Page 23