“I’m sorry.” He said looking as pained as I felt. Fuckin’ Nathan. I didn’t want to ask if she’d said yes. I assumed she did, otherwise Bobby wouldn’t have said anything. My memory flashed with Aly’s hurt, tearful, and angry face as she threw the ring I’d given her at my face when I’d confirmed my despicable relationship with Sienna.
I sniffed, took another drink, and cracked my neck. “Thanks for telling me.” I held my can of Coke out to him. “Cheers to everyone’s happy endings. I guess it’s really time for me to move on.”
But for some reason I couldn’t, and I didn’t understand why. I stayed at Promises for another two weeks, talking to Lydia about it. She told me to keep journaling and to play music again.
No shit.
***
I hadn’t felt as clear headed as I felt at that moment in years, looking out at the massive red Golden Gate Bridge. It was a warm summer day and the bay breeze cooled my sun-heated skin. I was being a full on tourist standing there taking a picture of it with my camera phone. Then I decided to take a selfie. What the fuck, why not? I held the camera out at arms’ length and smiled with the bridge behind me. My first selfie, all by myelf. A new beginning. A new life, I thought. I’d not posted anything on social media in over three years, and decided this was as good of a time as any. I was working on a new solo record, and decided right then it was time to announce it.
“Marty,” I called and strolled toward him, as I downloaded all the deleted social media apps back on my phone. “I’m going to announce my solo endeavor.”
His eyes batted with surprise, and he pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Wow. Okay. Are you sure you’re ready?”
“Yep. This day. This time. I finally feel a real sense of freedom and…” I breathed in happily. “Hope. I’m feelin’ hopeful.” I nodded and refocused on my task at hand.
Boom. I tapped post, and there it was, my mug on Instagram – the caption: I’m back! Get ready Killas. New solo tracks are comin’. That post fed the rest of my accounts, and my phone began to explode with reply push notifications. It was music to my ears, and fire burst inside me. An excitement I’d thought I’d never feel again.
Marty stood next to me, smiling, taking his own pictures. He’d never been to San Francisco. I’d rehired Marty to drive me around and to be my wingman. With a conscious decision to move on from the past, to make amends with those I’d hurt so deeply, included my mother and Notting, I was more determined than ever to bury the past behind me. I’d done so much damage, it was hard to choose where to begin, but I started with Marty.
I’d not driven a car since my third DUI. Two happened within a sixth month period, and I’d spent almost six months in jail with heavy fines and a massive settlement. Not that I couldn’t drive; I just didn’t want to. I’d almost killed a teenaged girl running a red light, t-boning her car a year and a half prior, and I had not touched a steering wheel since. I’d just gotten off probation, yet the desire to be alone behind the wheel was a million miles away.
I swam in my eager thoughts of a new life, as I prepared to run face=first into my old life at Bobby and Marshall’s engagement dinner. They’d moved to the little bay side town of Tiburon, just south of San Francisco. Marshall worked in San Francisco as a fashion design assistant, and Bobby still toured as a hired hand with various bands from time to time. The success from our band, Rita’s Revolt, allowed Bobby a very comfortable life. Money from all of our music publishing would always be coming in, and it made me feel good that I’d made the choice to include him and Dump in the publishing rights, even though I’d been the one to write all of our songs. I thought of Sienna and sincerely hoped she was doing well. I didn’t think she’d be at this dinner, but a bit of fear ran through me. I didn’t want my past to cause any drama for Bobby and Marshall.
“Hey, Marty.”
“Yeah?”
“Have you heard anything from or about Sienna?”
I strolled over to Marty, dodging a sea of Japanese tourists, young and old, exciting a tour bus. I smiled at the ones who’d stared at me, wondering if any of them would recognize me. Japan was one of our biggest fan bases, but if anyone did, no one said anything. I’d literally fallen off the face of the planet musically after Dump’s death, and especially after that stunt at The Roxy with the song I’d made with Aly. Other than bad tabloid press – I’d vanished.
“No, I haven’t.” He shook his head with concern.
“Yeah. Me neither.” Sienna told me to leave her alone. She’d apologized to me as if it was all her fault we’d done the unthinkable. She’d said she wanted to start a new life with none of us in it.
Marty looked at his watch. “We better get going.”
My heart speed up. “It’s now or never.”
I had no idea what Aly looked like anymore
***
The cool bay breeze rustled my hair, and my heels clicked on the cement sidewalk, echoing off the surrounding cottages. I snaked up and around a short hill to Marshall and Bobby’s home, just a few blocks away from my small hotel. All I could think about was how it would all unfold. I just wanted to get it over with.
A horizontal dark wood fence surrounded a small well-maintained yard of a one-story contemporary home with Balinese accents. Little white lights were strung up the slender tree trunks of what looked like prehistoric bonsai trees, and cracked-glass lanterns the size of grapefruits hung throughout their branches.
When I stepped into the house I wondered whom I’d see first. I turned into the vast living room. Oversized contemporary sofas and white upholstered chairs sat on sealed cement floors. Dark wood coffee tables and end tables sat upon groovy patterned-blue hued area rugs. The ceiling was vaulted, and beams and silver ducts were exposed. Modern silver lighting fixtures hung down here and there, and cactus and succulent plants accented the sparse setting. It was an open floor plan, and the kitchen was at the far end.
I scanned the crowd, looking for Aly, she’d be there any minute. I could feel it. I heard Marshall’s voice and turned, the first set of eyes I met were Aly’s. She smiled and waved. I did the same, and looked back at my companion, whose long blond hair flowed down her back over her black dress and her shoulders were exposed. She was gorgeous and I wondered what Aly thought of seeing us together.
“Alyssa!” I heard Marshall’s voice sing out and I tried not to follow his movement. His hair was still lavender, and he wore a white button up and cuffed white pants. His feet were bare, and his toenails were pink. “Look at you, you’re so ravishing in that red dress! Holy moley! And when did you cut your hair! I love it!” Marshall cooed at Alyssa, it was hard for anyone not to stare at them.
Marshall was pinging off the walls, and Bobby went over to greet them with arms wide open, embracing Aly tightly. “You look great. Wow.” he complimented Aly and put his arm around Marshall’s shoulders.
“Oh my God! Let me get a picture of you two! I’m so excited for you guys.” Aly said and she dug in her little black clutch, taking out a phone, and turned to place her bag on the arm of the sofa nearest her. She glanced up over the room, in my direction. I was staring at her, right over the shoulder of my date. She looked away quickly and turned back to Marshall and Bobby.
“Okay, get ready.” She held the phone up clumsily. I could tell she was nervous and it made me want to go to her. Bobby gave her a gentle smile and mouthed breathe.
“Nadine, will you please take our picture?” She sang out and jumped in the middle of Marshall and Bobby.
I couldn’t take it anymore and had to go say hello. I grabbed the hand of my date and strolled over to them.
“Long time no see.” I said smiling and letting go of Lillianna’s hand. I couldn’t help but give Aly an adoring sweep with my eyes and extended my arms for a hug. I had to feel her. She didn’t move. “Shorter hair suits you. Polished elegance. The lady in red is ravishing.” I said.
I tilted my head and then stepped to hug her. Aly loosely wrapped her arms around me. I breat
hed her in. “You’re beautiful,” I said softly in her ear as I backed away.
Nadine introduced herself to my date and they chatted politely enough, but I cringed as most of Nadine’s intrusive questions. Lilliana answered with light-hearted grace:
“We’re just friends.”
“My name is Lilliana.”
“I’m from Scandinavia.”
“I’m a model.”
I couldn’t stop smiling at Aly. It was killing her as much as it was me. The tension seemed to subside as we continued to break the ice, with the exception of me continuously glancing at Aly’s hand, the one with the ring on it.
Bobby announced that dinner was now ready and being served. He slid open doors that I thought were a wall, exposing another vast room that held two fourteen-person tables. They were elegantly decorated with three vases filled with banana leaves and Birds of Paradise. Masculine granite-colored table settings were expertly placed.
“Open seating, my friends!” Marshall clapped his hands.
Aly didn’t hesitate to sit down, and Nadine sat across from her. I couldn’t help myself and sat right next to Aly and my date sat across from me, next to Nadine.
“Well then. Seeing this is gonna get interesting.” Nadine clucked her tongue and shot me a brief stare, one that Lilliana missed. “I’m gonna grab a bottle.”
I gave a hearty laugh, and Lilliana laughed with me, even though she was totally clueless. Aly huffed. “Are you fucking with me? Leave me alone,” she leaned over, whispering to me.
Aly glanced at Lilliana, whom had zero idea what was happening. Lilliana struck up a conversation with a person behind her. It looked like someone Marshall worked with, a well put-together and stylish male. I’d seen them chatting earlier.
“I’m just happy to see you. Just trying to catch up.” I said quietly.
“Mmhmm.” She took the biggest gulp of wine, and Nadine returned with the bottle she’d promised.
She clunked the bottle down on the table.
Nadine shared what she’d been up to, and so did I. We ate our dinner of Chilean sea bass and Asian-inspired stir-fry with saffron rice. I asked every question I could think of about her school, her travels playing volleyball, her parents, and brother and sister, Kyle and Allison. I explained to Lilliana that Aly and I grew up next door to each other, and that was it. I didn’t ask once about Nathan or the ring she wore. It was as if they didn’t exist. Lilliana shared her latest travel adventure to Morocco and how she fell off a Camel and broke three ribs.
“I’m just starting to work out again. I gained so much weight,” she’d said as she sipped her champagne.
Aly sighed and excused herself with the empty bottle of wine. I got up a moment later and followed her. I walked into the kitchen and didn’t see her right away. I searched the perimeter and noticed a nook off to the right of the kitchen. A wine chiller sat under the small counter and Aly stood next to it.
“Hey.” I said, trying not to scare her. She glanced over her shoulder as I slid the door halfway shut. I could no longer see the kitchen. That meant no one could see us.
“Jake, what are you doing?” she turned back, focusing on opening the bottle. “Aren’t you worried your date might come looking for you?”
“No.”
“What do you want?”
I stepped up next to her and leaned against the counter, watching her spin the opener into the cork. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. One last, sober, time.”
I swallowed hard, trying to control myself.
She closed her eyes. “Okay.”
“Let me help you.”
I stepped behind her and wrapped my arms around her. Feeling her warmth shocked to life what I thought was dead. I knew she felt it too because her breath hitched. I brushed my hands over her arms and held her hands in mine. She let go of the wine bottle and opener and laid her hands flat on the counter. I placed my palms on top of hers, coaxing our fingers and hands to curl together, and wrapped our arms around her.
2
Alyssa Montgomery. Aly. My Alycat, I thought as I watched her struggling to open a bottle of wine. The ring Nathan gave her mocked me – ‘I won. She’s mine.’
Nah, not yet, motherfucker. Not until she says I Do.
I would ignore it. I wouldn’t say one word about it. She wasn’t married yet; that’s all that mattered to me. My eyes drifted to her face and down to her shoulders. I could practically feel her soft skin beneath my hands as my eyes stroked her bare arms and legs. Her little red dress accentuated her tiny waist just right. It beaconed me to take it in my hands. She was killing me without even knowing; or maybe she did.
I was mentally one hundred percent prepared to see her. I’d convinced myself that she’d moved on after Bobby informed me of her engagement. It was just the kick in the pants I needed. I’d resigned myself to thanking her for fueling my musical fire; I had to give her that. Everything I’d written this far was a derivative of my experiences and longing for her. I knew this and now looked forward to finding other inspiration. I’d never wanted that before. I had a new future in music, and I was devoted to healing and staying clean and healthy. I’d reinvented myself. This is what I’d believed, until I laid eyes on her again. The connection was instant. The invisible unrelenting bond gripped and smothered me. I was pulled to her as if I had no control. I didn’t have any control. When she stepped into the room, she radiated a force so extreme, it rushed to me and swallowed me whole.
No control.
Having her in my arms again and filling my senses had me losing my mind. Standing behind her, I wanted to press my growing desire into her backside, but I abstained. She was fighting me, and then she wasn’t. I knew she still wanted me too; otherwise she would have turned, said something nasty and left. She allowed me to touch her, to kiss her and feel her skin without bolting from the small room. I knew she was a tortured as I was.
When her voice quivered with the words – “I don’t dream about you anymore.” It stung, but I knew she was lying. Maybe she didn’t dream of me as often, but I knew she did. Especially when I felt the longing release from her when her breath hitched for a brief second.
I still had a chance.
I kissed her other shoulder and backed away, clearing my throat. “I’m sorry. I can’t help myself.”
She remained still for a long silent moment, finally facing me. Her eyes were glassy, and she was flushed. “I can’t be here with you.”
Yes you can, you can do whatever you want. “Have dinner with me when we get back to LA.”
“You’re not hearing me, Jake. I can’t do this with you anymore. I had years to think about this. I wanted this moment, right now, to happen. I prayed for it. Like all the other times.” She moved to exit and slid the milky glass door all the way open. People in the kitchen looked in our direction, but went back to their business. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on a roller-coaster, worrying if you’re gonna freak again. Worrying if you’re gonna…” She threw her arms out, vexed and shook her head. “I’m happy you’re sober. I love you, Jake. I always will.”
She spun out the door, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back in, embracing her. “For now,” I whispered and kissed her forehead, letting her go. “It’s not over until it’s over.” I almost pointed to the ring on her hand.
We didn’t speak for the rest of the night, but I kept meeting her gaze.
Until next time.
The next morning, Marty packed his bags into the car as I sipped on my coffee overlooking the bay. “Aly’s probably asleep in one of these little hotels.”
“Mhmm. Where’s Lilliana?” He changed the subject. I supposed he was over my obsession with Aly. I’m sure everyone was.
“She’s staying. Visiting friends or some shit.” I could care less about Lilliana. I’d only invited her because I thought Nathan would be there, guarding his treasure. I took him not being there as another sign of hope.
Marty grunted arranging the bags. He sto
mped his foot. “Are you gonna just stand there? Hand me your bags.”
“Did you just stomp your foot?” I scoffed.
He rolled his eyes at me. “I’m tired. Hand me your bags.”
“Why, Martin.” I wagged my finger at him and bent to grab my bag. “Did you drink too much last night and fuck around with Nadine?” Marty ignored me, snatching my bag away from me, and it made me snigger. I tsk’d at him. “You don’t wanna disappoint your parents by your continued hanky-panky with the likes of her, do you?”
He stood rigid, not amused by my teasing. He adjusted his glasses. “It’s none of your business.”
“Oh come on. I’m just fuckin’ with you.” I slapped him on the back kindly and shoved him out of the way. “Get in the car. I got this.”
I could tell Marty wasn’t feeling well. He was the most disheveled I’d ever seen him. He wasn’t wearing his signature, neatly-pressed button-up dress shirt. He wore a black zip hoodie over a t-shirt. That never happened. I wanted to offer to drive, but a real fear loomed over me about it. Maybe I’d try to drive around once I figured out where Id be staying.
“Marty, man, sorry that I can’t drive. I thought about it, and I need to…like, do it around a familiar hood.”
He ran his hand over his head. “It’s okay.” He sighed. “We didn’t sleep at all. I need at least seven hours’ sleep. I’m never drinking that much again. She certainly loves that champagne.”
I chuckled. “You can sleep on the plane.”
“Yeah.”
Marty was flying back to New York from San Francisco. He’d moved into the guestroom of the apartment Aly and I used to share after he’d helped Sienna clear all her shit out of there. I told him he just had to pay the utilities and make sure it was always ready for me to come home. I’d not set foot in the place since I hit rock bottom. I’d yet to sell it because of Aly. I almost put it on the market the day after Bobby told me about Aly and Nathan. Now I was glad I hadn’t. I’d give it one last shot with Aly. No matter how long it took, until she married me, or someone else. If she married someone else, I’d sell it with everything in it, including the black and white portraits of her that’d traveled with me all over the world.
Broken Notes Page 26