by Kurt Knox
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Don’t you know who I am? (tell her you’re a celebrity).
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Science is for nerds (go to the circus).
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Go to the cemetery.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘I’m surprised you don’t recognize me,’ you say. ‘I’m Stephen Hawking.’
The lab honey folds her arms. ‘Are you seriously trying to convince a student of science that you’re world-famous astrophysicist and noted quadriplegic, Stephen Hawking? And before you answer my question, I want you to think very seriously about the next thing that comes out of your mouth.’
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I am perfectly serious and I resent any implication otherwise.
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Jokes! I was just being hilarious.
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I apologize profusely (do the honorable thing and kill yourself).
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘Is that so?’ the lab honey says, narrowing her eyes. ‘So let me ask you, Mister Hawking, what is the correct scientific term given to the boundary of a black hole?’
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Higgs Boson.
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Event Horizon.
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Robocop.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘Ha, ha! Of course I’m not renowned television celebrity and accomplished wheelchair man, Stephen Hawking. I’m someone else entirely…’
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…I’m ladies favorite, Willem Dafoe.
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…I’m just a rude dude with a banging hairdo and law-breaking set of balls.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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The lab honey takes out a clipboard and licks the tip of a pen in a way that makes your nuts rumble.
‘And what kind of experiment you like to take part in today, sir?’ she asks. ‘Time travel or miniaturization?’
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McFly my shit.
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Let’s get small.
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I’ve changed my mind, I’m bailing for the cemetery.
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It’s the circus life for me.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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You got that shit locked down, son!
‘Your story checks out,’ says the lab honey. ‘I’d be honored if you’d take part in my miniaturization experiment, Mister Hawking.’
So, you in it to win it?
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(Robot voice) Affirmative.
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(Robot voice) Negatory.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘Wrong answer,’ says the lab honey, ‘but an incredible movie and a fascinating comment on privatization and corporate greed that resonates to this day. I want to be the Lewis to your Murphy, but first there is something you must do…
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You have twenty seconds to comply...
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘I like your style, but I have a strict rule when it comes to the taking of lovers — they have to have been the subject of a radical experiment in human miniaturization. So, are you in?’
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Yay.
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Nay.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘Come with me,’ the lab honey says, hopefully not for the last time if you catch my meaning (I’m using the word ‘come’ in a sexual sense, as in ‘orgasm’).
You follow the honey to her lab where she keeps all her science shit. She asks you to take a seat in a metal chair and aims a big laser at you.
‘Don’t worry,’ she says, ‘it’s only so I can reduce you to a microscopic size using experimental technology that to date has resulted in the deaths of no less than a dozen test subjects.’
Before you can say, ‘Hold up, girl,’ she pulls the shrink-ray trigger, literally dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange.
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Zzzzzap!
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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You flee from the wolf, legs pumping like the pistons of a tricked-out V8. I’m talkin’ some Insane Bolt shit! It’s looking like you’re gonna outrun the beast… then you come up against a chain link fence. There’s a sign on it that says ‘Beware of the Dog.’ You got a wolf on one side and a dog on the other — talk about a rock and a hard place! What’s your play?
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Parkour the fence and keep running.
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Slow your roll and face the wolf.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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You’re mad small, bro!
You find yourself in a petri dish with a big ole glass wall round you like some Fortress of Solitude nonsense. You ain’t alone though. There’s a damn monster in there with you — a six-legged, hairy-ass bug about the size of a Toyota Corolla. Oh shit, this ain’t no monster, it’s a lice! It must have dropped outta your pant leg and now here it is about to eat your tiny face off!
To defeat the giant lice you must answer the following riddle:
The maker doesn’t want it, the buyer doesn’t use it and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?
Do you know the solution (Google expressly forbidden)?
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Fo shizzle, ma riddle!
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Duh, I don’t know.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, b
y Kurt Knox
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You whirl around in time to see the wolf leaping at you, fangs bared. You close your eyes and await your end… but instead of getting your damn face chewed off, you get a tongue in your mouth. A person tongue!
You open your eyes to see the wolf has switched places with a naked female. This shit is like a cement mixer full of cheese, i.e. it makes no sense. The female’s mad hot though, even with all that blood around her mouth. Why does she have blood around her mouth? Thinking about it, it’s probably from the torn up body of the club honey, whose corpse is lying face down in the gutter. Never mind that though, no sense letting unwanted details spoil a good time. Like a poorly concealed bruise on a porn star’s throat, better to push it out of your mind and move on with your business.
With that in mind, what now?
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Demolish the female with your awesome lovemaking.
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Make your excuses and go to the strip club.
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Go to the laundrette.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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Was your answer, ‘A coffin’? Because if it was, you won’t be needing one — you defeated the killer pube lice, won the day and grew man-sized again. Tight!
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Claim your prize.
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I was wrong. For shame. Return to Checkpoint.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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You gently caress the body of the wolf honey, stoking the flames of her desire so damn hot it’s a wonder she don’t catch fire. After that you really slip her the crippler, putting the actual bitch down like a damn veterinarian. You literally screwed the pooch. Doggone!
Regrettably, this doesn’t quite fulfil the terms of your erotic mission, in that the object of your affections was a lycanthrope — a nightmare creature trapped betwixt man and beast — and not an actual human being. Accordingly, your arduous sex quest must go on.
Where to now?
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Go to the strip club.
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Go to the laundrette.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘A fascinating choice,’ the lab honey says. ‘And which direction through time would you care to travel?’
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As a keen student of History, I’d like to go back to the period of the High Renaissance, specifically from 1475 to 1525, and visit Florence, Italy. Seldom has there been such a period in world history that has impacted science, religion and art in such a fashion. The burst of creativity and inquisitive spirit in this time was unparalleled, which is no doubt why the works and achievements of the period are venerated to this day. Dawg.
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I’d like to go to the future so I can skip to the part where I snake your drain hole.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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‘Oh my,’ says the lab honey, ‘I’ve never had a subject survive on me before. This makes me extremely horny. Would you care to do me in any number of positions like only you know how?’
Oh shit, son, this is about to lead to full sex. I’m talking end of mission. The big boss fight! Just one last thing before you bust a nut — is your forehead by any chance tattooed with a heinous racial epithet?
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Yes it is.
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No it is not.
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Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox
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You’re peeling along in your sweet whip when you hit a stop light and a sunflower yellow Subaru pulls up alongside. The driver’s got a grin on like he’s at the wheel of God’s own hot rod. Sat next to him is his shorty. Honey is fine! Face like it was designed by an airbrush and an ass so tight it prolly shits diamonds.
‘Yo, playa,’ the driver shouts over the roar of his engine. ‘You down for a game of chicken? If I win I get your sweet whip. If you take me, you get this tasty treat in my passenger seat.’