by Ivan B
Chapter 8
If Things Go Wrong...
The Thursday before Easter week, Peter did not have the usual committee meeting so he was at home while Jo arrived and did her cleaning. Mid-morning Peter adopted his usual Tuesday routine and had coffee with Jo. Peter had bought a second bar stool, one with a number of rungs so it was easy for Jo to use. As they drank their coffee Peter mentioned Jo need not clean the lounge as the following week Caroline was coming to paint a few children’s figures on the wall of the lounge. He told Jo that Caroline dabbled in murals and he thought that her efforts might brighten up the lounge.
“You mean Caroline Peyton-Jones?” she asked.
“Yes”.
For some reason unknown to Peter, Jo found this amusing as she started to giggle.
“You’ve asked her to brighten up your lounge by painting a few children’s images on your walls?”
“Yes”
Jo was obviously suppressing a laugh.
“Are you paying her?”
“Sort of; she’s getting a take away meal every day.”
And with that Jo exploded into laughter. Peter on the other hand was not amused.
Eventually, when Jo had managed to gain some control, he feared the worst.
“Isn’t she any good?”
This just brought howls of laughter from Jo.
After a few minutes, Jo gained some composure and shook her head.
“Have you ever heard of Carola Massey?”
“Of course,” replied Peter. “She’s the famous English artist who’s just taken Germany by storm and caused a furore by winning the Blaumberg Prize for art for her paintings on the walls of… ”
Peter stopped. Jo was grinning from ear to ear.
“You don’t mean that I’ve just asked a world famous mural artist to brighten up my lounge?”
Jo was convulsed by laughter again.
“Oh good grief,” said Peter, “she must think I’m either very forward or a total nincompoop.”
Jo managed to calm herself enough to manage a question.
“Did she say ‘I will paint your walls’ or ‘we will paint your walls’?”
Peter began to realise that there was more ignominy to come.
“We.”
Jo burst into laughter again, this time tears rolled down her face.
Eventually Jo gasped for breath, took a sip of coffee.
“Are there six others including Susan and Tammy?”
Peter said stiffly.
“She mentioned a Susan and a Tammy.”
“That’ll be Susanna and Tania Greeves; she’s only called Tammy by her friends.”
Peter finally grasped the point.
“Not the Susanna and Tania Greeves who specialise in interior design and have recently… ”
He didn’t have to finish, Jo was convulsed in laughter again. Finally she gasped for breath.
“You’d better not tell Roger.” And literally shook with laughter, tears rolling down her cheeks, grasping her sides and taking her breath in quick gasps.
Peter realised he’d made a couple of gaffs, but for the life of him had not yet picked up what was so funny. Finally Jo wiped her eyes on some kitchen towel.
“Roger commissioned Susanna and Tania Greeves to redesign the interior of the golf club and they recommended various changes and a mural with a golfing theme on the end wall of the lounge. Everything went well until the mural was unveiled, remember it’s a Carola Massey so Roger can’t just paint over it. The mural shows a stylised eighteen hole golf course with various people playing golf; except they are virtually all women. There are only three men in the picture, all rotund tweedy types; one is hunting for his ball somewhere off the edge of the course, one has obviously just missed his ball while trying to tee off, and one is looking in a small mirror plucking his eyebrows while a long queue of women is waiting for him to start. Roger was apoplectic as he sees the golf club as the last bastion of male supremacy. He did threaten to sue, but Henry soon put an end to that. To make matters worse, Millie took a photograph of it and turned it into postcards that are now on sale in all the sea-front shops. Roger felt they were rubbing his nose in it, but there was nothing he could do about it, after all it’s just a photograph of a mural painted by a local artist.”
Jo fell into laughter again, eventually gasping; “There’s one thing more.”
Peter wondered what was coming next.
“The other four all live together.”
Peter gave Jo a perplexed look.
“They have a three bedroom house, but there are only double sheets on the line.”
A light dawned. “You mean there…”
“Yes they are all lesbians, they ‘came out’ years ago.”
Peter began to chuckle.
“You mean that I’ve just asked a world famous mural artist assisted by a pair of renowned interior decorators and an infamous bunch of lesbians to come and brighten up my lounge by painting a few children’s pictures?”
“Yes.”
Peter saw the absurdity of it and laughed, Jo joined in, and it was sometime before normal order was restored. Eventually Jo jumped off her stool and patted him on the hand.
“Peter I do enjoy our coffee-break chats, but if they are all going to be like this we ought to give them a health warning as I’m not sure that my stomach muscles can take too much of this.”
The following Sunday Peter sought out Caroline and tried to make amends for his gaff, but no matter what he tried to say he only seemed to be digging himself into a deeper hole. In the end Caroline gave one of her peculiar laughs and told Peter to relax and that she was more than happy to paint in his lounge. She said that it was not often that people wanted her to paint without the kudos of her fame and in any case he was allowing her to use her gifts for the benefit of the community, something she could rarely do. She added with a grin that it wouldn’t be too long before she was part of the Mothers and Toddlers and she would not be able to bear it if his lounge was not painted properly. Henry thought the whole thing was a huge joke.
Easter arrived and proved to be a mixed blessing: it both went well and proved to be a disaster. On the positive side all the Lent studies that Peter had prepared were accepted appreciatively, the Holy Week Services went well and the Easter Sunday Services were very well attended. An extra bonus was that Dan had contacted Peter prior to Easter and given him a list of ten more Easter Hymns; they were all modern and beautifully arranged for the organ. In addition, Peter’s back, which had been giving him severe trouble since he painted the lounge, seemed to have settled down to its normal level of slight permanent backache. However, on the negative side disaster seemed to follow disaster.
It all started during Holy Week. Caroline and her friends duly turned up on Monday of Holy Week and started work on the lounge. Peter had thought that they would disturb him, but they worked in total silence, that is except for Tammy who seemed to have a set of earphones that were connected to a portable CD player grafted into her ears. They had not been in the house for more than ten minutes when Cameron turned up to deliver his bank’s information pack on ethical investments that Peter had asked for. He looked at the women as they carried their various paints and cloths into the house.
“You’re not letting this lot loose on your house are you?” he asked belligerently.
“Caroline and her friends are doing me a favour.”
“I wouldn’t let them loose in a nursery,” he replied. “Still for most of them there’s no chance of that! You do know most of them are living immoral lives don’t you?”
Peter was totally put off by his manner and before he could reply he had to stand aside as more equipment was carried in. Millie, Josephine, Geraldine, Patricia, Susan, Tammy and Caroline all filed past, each one gave him a broad smile as they passed and Caroline even gave him a wave and a comment that she hoped he was keeping her money safe. Peter wasn’t sure, but it seemed to him that they all accentuated the sway of their hips as th
ey passed. Finally Tammy stopped just inside the house and gave him a sexy look and crooked her finger.
“Would you care to join us Cameron?” she said huskily before walking into the lounge.
Cameron turned bright red, abruptly turned round and stalked off. He stopped about ten feet away and shouted at Peter.
“I’ll be telling the Bishop that you have a house of ill-repute!” and stormed off.
However, despite Peter’s gaff and Monday’s poor start the painting actually went well. The whole group seemed to appreciate the fact that Peter could sign to them, although he had found it totally disconcerting when he took them in a tray of coffee’s and found them arguing with one another. At least that’s what he assumed they were doing by the speed of the signing and the violence of the movements. Tammy had grinned at him and murmured, “Don’t worry Peter it’s just a clash of artistic temperaments – if I was you I’d keep out of the way,” she then spun round and rejoined the fray. Peter quickly retreated back to his study. The final result of their efforts was absolutely brilliant; three walls were covered in more children’s characters than he could remember. The fourth showed scenes from the Bible ranging from Moses and the burning bush to the upper room at Pentecost. They had even painted an angel on the ceiling in each corner of the room and dancing cherubim around the light fitting. Peter was actually overwhelmed. On their way out Peter thanked them and told them he couldn’t thank them enough. Caroline had smiled – Peter was still sure that her smile could start wars – and signed.
“Don’t worry we’ll be back next Easter to tidy it up; little hands cause much wear and tear.”
She also asked him if she could use the end wall of his attic to practice the layout of one of her own pieces. She had accepted a commission to undertake the painting of an east chancel wall of a side chapel in Alnwick Cathedral and needed a practise wall with sloping sides – the attic wall would be perfect she said. Peter had agreed.
On Tuesday of Holy Week, Peter and Jane had a 7am breakfast meeting to finalise details for the combined service they were holding on the harbour quay at Sunrise on Easter Sunday. This initially had seemed like a mad idea to Peter, but apparently this service had been running for a number of years and was well attended. They met at 7am as Jane was leaving at 8am to drive to the airport to pick up her sister. Tuesday was normally Jane’s day off so she turned up in casual clothes, especially as she had a long drive ahead. As she was leaving at just before eight the Major drove up to deliver a letter to Peter outlining his ideas for using the church’s money. He was clearly surprised to see Jane at Peter’s so early in the morning.
Later in the day Peter was in the church vestry decanting wine from bottles into the cruets for use at a mid-week communion when he ran out of wine. There was a cardboard box of St Cedd’s Ruby Communion Wine on a high shelf in the corner; as Peter lifted it off the shelf the bottom fell out of the box and four out of six wine bottles smashed on the table below showering Peter with wine. To make matters worse Peter instinctively stepped back out of harms way and fell backwards over a chair. As he was scrabbling about on the floor in a pool of wine one of the church cleaners came in the vestry. Peter tried to make a joke of it by saying “I really must take more water with it,” but she was clearly not amused.
On Wednesday Albert’s granddaughter, Samantha arrived. She could have rivalled Caroline for good looks with her shoulder length red hair and cream complexion. Peter duly installed here in the studio flat, but because she was so tall - she was nearly as tall as Peter - he said she could use the walk-in shower that was off of the downstairs toilet in the house. The shower cubicle in the flat had been built under the slope of the ceiling and was designed for midgets. Peter reckoned that nobody over five feet could have showered it without bending double. Later that afternoon Peter had put aside time to help Roger put together a case for his son’s disciplinary hearing at school. As Roger arrived and Peter let him in the hall Samantha emerged from the downstairs loo wearing a skimpy bathrobe. She waved to Roger in the casual fashion that only the young can manage and disappeared into the kitchen. Roger’s eyeballs nearly left his head. Peter did not feel that he owed Roger an explanation so he gave him none.
On Thursday Peter went to the Cathedral for the normal Maundy Thursday re-affirmation of ordination vows and blessing of oils service. This finished with a light lunch and Peter got talking to some friends he hadn’t seen for years. At 2pm he remembered that Jane had asked him to take the Lower Glumburgh afternoon Communion service on her behalf. The communion was scheduled for 3pm and on a normal day the drive from the Cathedral at Bury St. Edmunds to Glumburgh could easily be managed in an hour. But Peter’s Land Rover was boxed in the Cathedral car park and it took ten minutes to find the owner of the offending vehicle so that Peter could escape. The road from Bury to Ipswich was busy with seemingly every caravan in the universe, and to cap it all, there were road works with the dual carriageway reduced to one lane for five miles. As luck would have it Peter arrived at the start of the single lane just behind a tractor so he suffered four miles at twelve miles an hour. The final indignity was being stopped by the police as he drove through the village and warned that he had been driving at 33mph in a 30mph area. The net result was that he turned up at Glumburgh forty minutes late. He had telephoned ahead, but the churchwarden was clearly not amused. After the communion Peter overheard the same churchwarden say to a parishioner, “at least he’s not a bloody Jappo.” Peter had taken the churchwarden aside and pointed out to him in a forthright manner that Jane was an ordained minister in the Church of England and that the least she could expect from her churchwardens was support and not snide remarks behind her back.
Good Friday proved to be a generally disaster free day. The afternoon meditation seemed to go well and was reasonably attended, especially as this service was a new introduction by Peter. He spent the evening having a meal with Jane, her sister and her sister’s husband. At the next table were The Major and his wife, and a pair of people that Peter did not recognise; they turned out to be his Archdeacon, Jasper, and his wife, Veronica. They were staying with the Major following their trip to Australia as the major building repairs on their house had not yet been finished by the Diocese.
Easter Saturday echoed the scene set by Holy Week. It had moments of high joy, high drama, and utter chaos. Peter had three weddings scheduled: Easter was always a popular time for weddings and it seemed that Felburgh was no exception. Peter had visited two of the couples prior to their weddings, but the third had proved elusive and as they were being married by common licence, not banns they had had no reason to come to church since Peter’s arrival. To assist Peter during the weddings Mark came in his capacity as Verger and a local school teacher called Jack came to play the organ; apparently Dan ‘didn’t do weddings’ and Peter had found out – much to his surprise – that Jack also filled in when Dan was on holiday. Jack was a competent organist Peter decided, but not as good as Dan: he lacked the close rapport with the instrument Dan so obviously enjoyed. Also to Peter’s surprise Bunty and Harriet sat through every wedding. When asked, Mark explained that Harriet was also a schoolteacher and had only retired two years ago. Virtually everyone who got married in the church had been at school with either Bunty or Harriet, or both, as their schoolteacher and the ladies liked to see their former pupils up the aisle.
The first wedding, at 11am, went without a hitch. It was a joy to be involved in. The couple was radiant and obviously in love, the congregation sang the hymns well, the relatives were friendly, and the photographer was excellent in his approach.
The second wedding, scheduled for 12.30pm, was a living nightmare. For a start the Best Man and the Groom turned up stinking of beer and with a large group of men who were obviously the worse for wear and already rowdy. Mark informed him that they were the football team from The Fisherman’s Friend commonly known as ‘The Cripplers’ for their tendency to go for the opposing player rather than the ball. The bride’s relativ
es turned up as if dressed for a funeral and as sober as judges. The bride was late, very late, and didn’t turn up till nearly one o’ clock. She looked very young, was utterly dwarfed by her huge Father, and looked totally petrified. Peter had said to her that she didn’t have to go through with this if she didn’t went to; the Father had replied ‘Oh yes she does,’ and she had nodded timidly. Peter was reluctant to proceed, but had no grounds not to. Matters were not helped by Mark who whispered in his ear words to the effect that he already had the local police on standby.
From then on the wedding went downhill fast. The bride was escorted up the aisle by her father and stood next to the groom. Peter started the service with the usual preface.
“We have come together in the presence of God, to witness the marriage of Kimberley and Damian…” He had just reached; “you should not enter into it lightly or selfishly… ,” when he didn’t get any further; the best man turned a sort of green colour and was sick all over the floor. The groom roared with laughter, gave a funny sort of hiccup and promptly vomited all over Peter’s robes. Kimberley burst into tears. Her father pushed her aside, and into Peter’s arms, and punched Damian in the ear.
“You bastard!” He shouted. “Not content with ruining her life you want to ruin her wedding to!” Mayhem followed as the best man joined the fray and The Cripplers started yelling and shouting. Peter grabbed hold of Kimberley’s arm and took her to his vestry, once inside he sat her down and told her not to move and that he would lock her in for safety. On his way out the vestry he met Bunty, “I’ll sit with her” she said, so Peter locked them both in. Peter then surveyed the scene before him; it was like a giant rugby scrum as several of the bystanders had joined in the melee. Before Peter could do anything four policemen rushed in and started to separate the protagonists. It took half an hour to restore order. Once everyone was quiet, or reasonably quiet, Peter told the groom that he was abandoning the wedding, but if he and Kimberley saw him after Easter he would conduct a marriage service for them and a pair of witnesses if he was sober. He then went back to the vestry to tell Kimberley, but when he opened the door she and Bunty were not there having left by the outer door. As the congregation was leaving Harriet came up to Peter and looked him up and down.