by Valentina F.
MARK: Yup, be there in ten.
Ben's fresh from the shower, his hair is wet, and he smells very masculine. He walks over to the bed and gives me a kiss that tastes of mint and water. "Good morning."
I grin like an idiot. God, I like him so much. "Mark will be here in ten minutes."
He rolls his eyes and throws himself on the bed, pulling me toward him. "Okay."
We lie here in silence, kissing tenderly until there's a knock at the door. Ben reluctantly lets his brother in and I pull my sweatshirt on. They hug each other quickly, then Mark comes over and hugs me.
"Cat, Baby? How you feeling?" He examines my cheek. "It's not that obvious." His bright green eyes calm me down instantly. It's so easy to talk to him, so natural, that I feel better immediately. What I feel for Ben is closer to love, but what I feel for Mark is pure affection, almost devotion. He's thoughtful and caring. He’s my friend.
"Yeah, with a bit of makeup you won't even see it." I smile and tie my hair in a high ponytail. "I'm going to take a shower. See you guys in half an hour."
Ben's by the door, watching us, waiting for Mark to stop hugging and touching me. "We'll stop by your room." He leans down and lightly kisses my aching cheek.
Erika is already ready to go and I wonder how long she's been awake. She comes over and holds me tight.
"I'm okay," I reassure her before she can say anything. She nods and tells me the bathroom is all mine. A shadow passes quickly in front of our window, which overlooks the outer corridor of the motel and we both turn around. Erika opens the curtain and we see Ben running toward Jessica's room.
"What's going on?" My heart is pounding in my chest and I rush to open the door, just in time to see Ben entering Jessica’s room and closing the door behind him.
"I guess Jess had a bad night. Don't worry, she'll be fine once she sees Ben."
I'm still not sure how I feel about this special relationship of theirs. A little jealous, obviously, which is stupid. Ben stayed with me all night, though I'm sure he was worried about his best friend. It can't have been easy for her, being forced to relive the experience, and she wasn't as lucky as me, she went through hell. Jesus, she was only thirteen. How could anyone do that to a thirteen year old girl?
I start shaking convulsively.
Erika sets me down on the bed and hands me some water. "You want me to call Ben? Or Mark, maybe?"
I shake my head forcefully. They’re already worried enough as it is. "I just feel sorry for Jessica. I messed up last night and she's in a terrible state because of me."
"Listen, you're the victim here. You can't take on other people's pain." She takes my hand and helps me pull myself together. "You can't give up, girl. You have to explain everything to the cops and be thankful you're still alive to tell your story."
She's right. I take a deep breath and try to smile. "What am I going to tell my father?" I ask, my voice faint.
"I don't know. He's a cool guy, perhaps a little over-protective. At the very least, he'll take the first flight over and we'll find him waiting for us at home."
She's right, again. For a moment I think about not telling him. It would be awful. I've never kept secrets from him before, but he'd be too upset if I told him what happened and if my grandmother found out it would be the end. She'd have me locked up in an all-girl boarding school in Switzerland.
Bad idea.
They ask me lots of annoying questions, making me repeat the same thing over and over, a hundred times. Mark's sitting next to me, and he's pretty pissed. I asked him to come in with me because Ben was too agitated and for a moment I saw that diabolical light in his eyes and was afraid. Not for myself, he would never hurt me. I was scared he wouldn't be able to handle hearing again and again, what happened to me.
It seems I made the right decision, because they're asking me such intimate questions that I can hardly stand them myself.
My hand is tightly clenched between Mark's and every time I have to describe the moment my attacker slapped me and put his hand down my shorts, he closes his eyes. I think I skipped that detail last night with Ben, but I can't remember. I hope I did, anyway.
They eventually let us go, informing me that as soon as the judge sets a date there'll be a court hearing and I'll probably have to testify. I explain I'm only in the US until the end of June and they reassure me that the hearing will be before then.
I ask them if they're going to tell my father. The policewoman looks at me as if I were stupid. She obviously doesn't know Dr. Zanetti, specialist in angst and paranoia.
I know I'll have to tell him something, not everything, obviously, but I can't just keep it hidden, especially if there's going to be a damn trial.
The guys are all in the waiting room and as soon as we come out through the side door, Ben jumps to his feet.
He holds me close, kissing my head as he breathes a long sigh against my hair. It's pretty clear now that everyone knows there's something going on between us. "How do you feel?"
Like shit. Empty. Frightened. "Good."
Before the cops came in, Mark ran me through what I should say, making it clear that the contents of my statement could be helpful to Ben, so I was at great pains to explain that he saved me, that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be there to tell my story, that he stopped that bastard one second before he could touch me with his disgusting, dirty penis.
I must have told them at least thirty times that I never actually saw Ben hit that guy. That I heard him fall to the ground and then saw Mark grabbing Ben from behind. A little white lie. The policemen don't believe me, but they're pretty understanding. More than once they asked, 'So, you never saw Mr. Carter hit anyone?" And every time I tell them, 'No, I just saw Benjamin dragging that man off me, then he fell and landed against the trash cans.'
Jessica has tears in her eyes and I pull away from Ben to speak to her.
"How are you?" I ask, holding her tight.
"No, how are you?" She quickly wipes away her tears.
"Hungry!" I smile and she relaxes. I lean in close to her ear and whisper, "He didn't do anything to me, I was just scared. I'm good now and we're going to put all this behind us, go down to the oceanfront, have a nice breakfast, and then buy something cool to wear tonight."
My fear disappears when I look into her eyes, probably because I know the terror she felt was real, so palpable that it takes my breath away.
I'm okay, I'll get over it.
We take each other's hands and walk out of the police station toward our cars. I toss my keys to Mark and can't help seeing Benjamin's look of disappointment, but I know he hates letting anyone else drive his precious Mustang and I don’t feel like asking him to come with me.
Right now, I need Mark. I can talk openly with him, without filters.
As soon as we pull out of the parking lot, I speak. "Okay, your turn to interrogate me."
His head turns quickly, as he looks at me questioningly. "Why? You mean there's more?" His worried voice makes me laugh.
"No, I don't want to talk about what happened last night anymore. We can do that later, I really don't feel like it now. You want to know what happened with Ben last night or not?"
Mark turns down the volume of the radio and laughs. "My curiosity says yes, my poor heart says no." He laughs even louder and I realize he's only joking.
"He told me about your father…what happened..." I leave the phrase suspended for a moment. And to think I wanted to talk about happy things. Mark nods.
"He was afraid I'd be scared of him...like your mother." Go, Caterina! You’ve just taken the conversation from bad to worse.
"My mother was traumatized by what happened to her, she doesn't get that Ben was just as traumatized. She's terrified at the thought of Ben getting into trouble because he's so hot-headed, but Ben would never hurt a soul...unless he has a valid reason, like you saw. When Jess was attacked, it was a second trauma for him, it changed him so much. He's not bad, please don't be scared of him."
; Mark the lion, defending his pack.
I smile. "I'm not scared of him..." I'm scared of what he could do to my heart, like breaking it into a million pieces, or filling it with so much love it bursts. In both cases, it's destined to end badly. "Mark..." I wait until I have his full attention. "What should I do?"
"Leave your boyfriend." It sounds so natural I'm startled. Mark, more than anyone, knows how things are with Leonardo. I can't pretend everything is fine with him, because he's seen me cry, and half-heartedly answer my phone whenever Leonardo rings. He's also heard me say a million times that I don't know if I still love him.
"I can't leave him over the phone. I need to see him." I lean back against the headrest. "But what if this thing for Ben is just a crush? What if, when I see Leonardo again, I realize I made a mistake and he's the love of my life?"
"What if, what if, Cat...and what if Ben were the love of your life? What if in two years’ time you realized you were a lesbian? What if the world ended tomorrow? What if an asteroid hit you on the head while you’re here, lost in your mental masturbation?"
What if he was right?
"It's not as easy as you think," I reply, irritated.
"Of course it is. You haven't felt close to him since you got here, you told me that. Forget about Ben for a second. I'm biased, obviously, but for a moment, let's pretend Ben's not my brother. Ben doesn't exist, okay? What you feel for Leonardo has changed, however. I asked you once and you only gave me half an answer, so I'm going to ask you again: Are you sure you're not with Leonardo out of force of habit?"
"Again? We're together because we're good together. I'm not with him because I don't have any alternative."
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that you grew up together, when everything was simple, it was routine and it was good like that. Your parents played golf together, your granny loves him...same college, same interests, great...but as soon as you distanced yourself from him, you discovered new things and now you're having second thoughts. Shit, Babe! My brother might not be the love of your life, but one thing's certain, Leonardo never was and never will be.”
Vertigo shakes me from head to toe. "You're shit at giving advice, you know that?" I scold, waving my finger at him as I close my eyes.
"Not true, Babe. It's the truth, and you know it."
"Mark, do you think Ben would understand if I asked him to give me some time?"
He shakes his head vehemently. "Nope. And you know why? Because he'd never expect such behavior from you..." He breaks off and sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"Listen, for months now, you've been going on about how you don't know what you feel for Leonardo anymore, that you're not missing him like you should, that you're a good girl. If you kissed Ben or whatever, it's because you know deep down that it's all over." I glance down at my hands, transfixed. It's the first time he's ever spoken to me like this. "Cat, you have to decide. You can't have both. Pretty soon, Ben's going to ask you to choose and it won't be over a casual cup of coffee. He'll push you to the limit, make you question your whole life. He'll turn your entire existence upside down and, whatever decision you make, you'll have to be one hundred percent sure, because if you don't choose him first, there's no turning back, he won't let you. He'll build a wall between you so high it'll make you pack your bags and go running back to Rome."
His reproachful tone heightens my sense of guilt. I run a hand over my face and concentrate on the road ahead, though I can’t see a thing. They know nothing about me and Leonardo, they don't know him. Leonardo is a wonderful, reliable guy. He'll be waiting for me open-armed at the airport once this adventure's over. I have to remember my life here is only temporary.
"There's just one important thing you’ve forgotten in all this..." I pause and look over at him. "My life in Orlando isn’t permanent...I'll be gone in a few months."
He frowns. "You could always stay."
I want to laugh but the expression on Mark's face wipes my smile away. "No, I couldn't. My life…my home, my family, my studies…is in Rome. This is just some wonderful adventure." Saying it out loud scares me half to death. Realization hits me, like a slap in the face. He's right about one thing, however: I need to decide and now, before the situation gets out of hand. Even if I choose Ben, I can't leave Leonardo over the phone, he doesn't deserve that, it would be stabbing him in the back.
Mark parks. He turns the engine off, take my hands in his, and looks me straight in the eye. "Hey, the past twenty-four hours have been pretty intense, you don't have to decide right now, okay? You need to know though, Ben's falling for you, big time. I can see it a mile off. I love and adore you, but he's my brother, so don't lead him on." He leans in and kisses me affectionately on the cheek. "Now let's go eat."
19
Making her smile has become my mission. I don't want to be so shallow as to pretend nothing happened, she wasn't attacked and I didn't almost kill a guy, but I need to see her laugh.
Cat runs a hand through her hair and ties it up in some kind of knot, leaving a strand dangling to one side that I'm dying to tuck behind her ear, just to touch her, but I hold back. The guys have figured out there's something going on between us, but until I have a clear idea of what's happening, I have to control myself.
She's so tense it makes my stomach cramp. Each time I try to get close she pulls away. She doesn't do it aggressively, but the result is the same. She doesn't want me near, she doesn't want me to touch her.
"Mark, give me a hand with the burgers." He'll know what's going on in her head. I wish she'd confide in me like she does with him, but I guess our roles are different now, and I’m going crazy with jealousy.
Mark reluctantly gets to his feet, like he always does when I ask him to do something, but I know he'll come with me to the counter to pick up our order.
"What did she say in the car?" I get straight to the point. I hate wasting time.
"She's good, just give her some space, okay? Don't be your usual, high-pressure self."
What the fuck does that mean?
"I'm not pressuring!" I exclaim defensively, though I know he's right. It drives me crazy not knowing what she's thinking. Is it me she's scared of? Her attacker? Is she thinking of going back to Italy? I'm losing my mind. This limbo, this uncertainty, is messing with my head.
"Yes, you are, I see you! Just leave her alone, okay?"
I purse my lips and let out an enormous sigh to avoid replying. If for me everything's in black and white, then for Mark, life is a box of Crayola. "Mark, tell me!" I grab a handful of napkins and squeeze them tight. I swear to God, if he doesn't say something I'll floor him.
"Don't drag me into this and don't ask me to rat on her when she confides in me. She's my friend, she trusts me."
"And I'm your fucking brother!" I stand here, facing him down, threatening, though he's an inch or so taller than me.
"Yes, and I'm telling you not to overdo it. Don't rush her."
His icy eyes glare at me, leaving me speechless. Mark always plays the fool, like some kind of court jester, but when he looks at you like that you know it's time to back off.
"I'm not," I mutter and I don't believe me either. I just want her to relax, to break down the wall that she's put up between us. I don't like the whole world knowing my business, I like to keep a low profile, but with her it's different. I want to put a label on her forehead that says, ‘Private property of Benjamin Carter’.
She's changed so much in the last three months. I've seen her go from a snob in designer clothes to the girl next door, literally, who studies in the kitchen, no makeup and mussy hair. She's softer now, not so defensive all the time, she no longer feels like a fish out of water, and I want her all to myself.
"Hey, she has a boyfriend. He may be far away, but he exists. I don't know if she'll dump him, Ben, but whatever happens, in a few months she'll pack her bags and go back to Italy. It pisses me off, too, but don't force her to make decisions just because that's what you would
do. Things aren't always so black and white..."
It's not like Mark to talk like this and the realization that this is actually what Cat’s thinking drags me down to an all-time low. Sooner or later she's going to leave and it's going to break my heart. I know she's going to leave. Does she think I've not thought about that?
Maybe the fact that she doesn't want to make the move that will catapult her straight into my arms means she's smarter than me. She knows her stay here is temporary and doesn't want to disrupt her life anymore than she already has. Not for me, anyhow.
I am not capable of such rational thinking. I lost my head over a woman only once in my life and I came out of it with my heart in flames, torn by grief, but Jesus, it was worth it.
I'll never forget the way I felt when I was with Maddy. The way she laughed is burnt into my brain. All those other girls, they were just a distraction, a hobby, something to keep my mind off things. I used them, just as much as they used me, and we had fun. But history repeats itself: the first time I looked into Maddy's eyes I thought she was an angel. I wanted to touch her, kiss her, make her mine.
She was such a tease, walking around in those short dresses. She was less innocent than Cat, not so naive, but no less docile. Finding out she was engaged, about to be married, was an ice-cold shower that seemed to last a lifetime, but that doesn't erase the way she made me feel. All those times we saw each other in secret so the others wouldn't catch us, the adrenaline rush to the head when we snuck off campus, or at parties, for passion-filled quickies.
And now there's Caterina.
When I saw her step out of the cab, her bag clutched to her chest, my stomach was in knots. Her toned, slim body would drive any man crazy. I was so amazed at her beautiful face, flushed in the heat, that my wrench slipped from my fingers, landing on my bare foot.
I’ve got to the point now where I've convinced myself that it doesn't matter how long it lasts, I need her.
We put the trays down on the table and Ryan and Kris make a dive for their burgers. I grab a cheeseburger without onion and hand it to Cat. She smiles sweetly but doesn't meet my gaze.