Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  Sleep. I need to sleep and calm down. Tomorrow morning I'll just take her to one side and talk to her. I can do it. I'll count to a thousand before I open my mouth if I have to. How hard can it be to say I’m sorry?

  31

  I've been awake all night. Mark stayed with me till late and only left because I pretended to be asleep, though I never stopped crying, even for a second. Leonardo will be here soon and my eyes are swollen and my face is red. How am I going to explain the dark circles under my eyes and the terrible state I'm in?

  Ben didn't come home last night and I'm about to freak out. Yesterday afternoon, Jessica came back after a few minutes and sat on my bed, trying to figure out what had happened, but I could barely talk and managed only a handful of words between sobs. Mark must have tried to call him a million times without getting through. I glance distractedly over at my alarm clock. 7:00 a.m. Leonardo will be landing in half an hour and I feel like I'm dying. What am I going to tell him? What am I going to do?

  Ben has no patience. He never thinks things through; he's like a bull after a red rag, dragging everyone in his wake. How could he even think for one second that I would have thrown Leonardo out and sent him back to Italy? Until proven otherwise, he's my boyfriend, not Benjamin.

  I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I already know what I look like when I've been crying all night.

  I just want to know that someone's tracked Ben down. That they've spoken to him and that he's okay.

  I've never felt so weary. I head to the kitchen to make coffee, but the roar of Ben's car startles me and I drop the spoon on the countertop, scattering black powder everywhere.

  If he's home it means he's fine. The anxiety in my stomach disappears, making way for my anger. How dare he disappear all night, making us all worry? I don't have time to find the answer, however, because, he's suddenly standing in front of me.

  We really need to lock those fucking doors!

  One look at his huge green eyes takes a year off my life. He's as tense as a bowstring, his lips in a hard line, a threatening expression on his face as he glares at me.

  Ah! He’s the one who’s angry!

  When I can't stand it any longer, I roll my eyes and turn back to the coffee pot. I can never remember how much coffee and how much water to put in so, to avoid mistakes, I'm generous with both.

  "Can we talk?" He sounds so arrogant and it instantly drives me crazy. "Cat, I'm talking to you," he says when I don't answer.

  "I have nothing to say to you and, quite honestly, I don't care about your apologies." This time, for once, I mean it. I really don't care about anything he might have to say. Not to mention the fact he was out all night, probably with Casey or another one of his sluts, as none of his friends had any idea where he was.

  "I need to explain…"

  "Fuck you, Ben!" I interrupt. The hard look on my face startles him. He breathes through his nose like an angry bull, and I'm a tiny bit satisfied. I really hope he freaks out like he did yesterday, so I can throw a chair in his face and get him out of my head for once and for all.

  "That's it, then? You're not even going to let me talk?"

  "We could have talked last night but you had to make that ridiculous scene instead and run off without even giving me the time to explain. We're not fifteen. You're always boasting about how direct you are, then you run off at the first problem. So, go on, go back where you were all fucking night and we'll pretend we never met." Though I can't remember the last time I ate, I forget all about coffee and breakfast and storm out of the kitchen.

  "Cat!" he shouts, following me to my room. "Wait a minute..."

  "Really, Ben? Are you going to start shouting again?" My voice is little more than a whisper. Jessica is still in bed and, honestly, I'm sick of him making these scenes in front of other people.

  "No, I'm not going to shout. I'm sorry, okay? Please, stop. Just give me ten minutes, then I'm gone."

  I know I should just flip him the middle finger, but I can't. I rub my eyes in exasperation. "I'm warning you. One wrong word and you're out." I walk past him and head back to the kitchen.

  He looks like a beaten dog. Perhaps he was expecting to find nice little Caterina. Docile, her eyes still filled with tears, begging for forgiveness and promising to leave Leonardo. As far as I'm concerned, he can go straight to hell.

  Infuriated, I sit on a stool and fold my arms. He takes two cups from the cupboard and very slowly fills them with coffee.

  He sits down in front of me but I refuse to make eye contact. "I'm...I'm so ashamed about my behavior last night. There’s really no excuse.”

  Now there’s something we both agree on. I look over at him and I’m as mad as hell.

  "I lost control. I don't know what's happening to me lately. That's no excuse, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

  "But..."

  "No buts. The thought of losing you just freaks me out." He clenches his fists and brings them up to his mouth. "You asked me to leave...you said I was a mistake, that you weren't going to leave Leonardo and I just...lost it..." He raises his voice a couple of decibels and I glare at him, but he doesn't back down.

  "I was in shock. If you'd let me explain instead of screaming at me like that, you'd know what kind of shitty situation I'm in."

  "You're not the only one!" he exclaims, raising his arms.

  "Yes, I am. Because I'm the one who's cheating on her boyfriend, not you. You have no idea how guilty I feel. Leonardo trusts me, he's going through hell and you threatened to tell him everything."

  "I'd never do that." His voice is hoarse now and he glances down. "But you can't expect me to stand by and watch. You can't ask that."

  We're back to square one. Right where we left off last night. The same words, the same ideas. I'm holding my ground and he's holding his.

  "I'm not asking you to," I say finally. A vein throbs in his neck and I can tell he's about to explode. "But like this, we're going nowhere, Ben."

  He smiles bitterly and bites his lips to avoid saying something vicious. "You know what really pisses me, Cat?" Here we go again. I stand up angrily but he's faster than me. "No! I won't let you leave. You're going to hear me out for once and for all. You like to play the nice girl, miss independent, but deep down you're a child who refuses to accept responsibility for her actions. You don't want to be with him but you're too scared to admit it."

  I shake his arm off. "Maybe you're right, but there's one thing you can be sure of: I definitely don't want to be with you."

  Jessica comes running into the kitchen. Our shouting probably woke her and I wish the ground would swallow me up. This guy makes me lose control, forget everything I've ever been taught about good manners, and turns me into a screaming harpy. "Stop that! Both of you!" she yells.

  Obviously alerted by our roommate, Mark flings open the patio door, slamming it against the wall with a deafening thud.

  "Stay the fuck out of this. This is between me and Cat. Stop interfering." Ben’s like a beast and it makes me want to slap him.

  "Ben. Calm the fuck down or you’ll be sorry." Mark is so serious my legs begin to shake.

  Ben's breathing is labored. I think he's tempted to hit his brother just to have something to take his anger out on, but he doesn't. He counts to ten under his breath then sits down again. "I'm calm." He totally isn't.

  "You, too, Cat," Mark orders and I sit down without protest. It's like being at school. Mark's the principal and Jessica's the teacher who caught us making out in the bathroom.

  "Now, you either calm down and talk properly or...you talk properly!" I want to laugh. It's not a good start for Mark.

  "I have nothing to say to him." My presumptuous tone echoes around the room.

  "That's because you're a fucking snob!" Ben snaps.

  "And you're a crazy asshole! What the hell was I thinking when I got mixed up with you?" The words spew out of my mouth.

  "Stop it!" Mark's ba
rk shuts us up, but it doesn't stop us from glaring nasty at each other.

  "Guys, listen. This is all too much." Jessica's shrill voice rings in my ears. "You're ruining everything. If you don't stop, there's no way you can take back all these awful things you keep saying."

  "I asked her to choose and she chose him. That's it, there's nothing else I can do." Ben sounds so sad my heart skips a beat.

  "I didn't choose him, damn it!" I yell. "I can't just throw him out, though, he doesn't deserve it." Why can't he see that? It doesn't seem so difficult.

  "What about me? Do I deserve this?" Frustration fills his eyes. I want to close mine and wake up from this nightmare and go back to two days ago, when he was playing his mother's favorite song on the piano. It's like he has two separate personalities, one charming and fragile, the other, strong and overbearing, which I just can't handle.

  "Of course you don't deserve it, but right now I'm stuck in the middle. Whatever decision I make, one of you gets hurt and so will I. Don't you see?"

  "But losing me is the lesser evil, right?" He's never spoken to me like this before, so even-tempered.

  "No, it's not the lesser evil." I've completely forgotten about Mark and Jessica. "I don't want to lose you but I don't know what to do. And if you’re going to make me choose, I have to..." The words get stuck in my throat. I'm going to hurt him and he'll never forgive me for it, but right now, Leonardo takes priority.

  "To..?"

  "…choose him. I have to protect him."

  We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity, my hands are shaking and a lump forms in my throat. The room is deathly silent. All I can hear is my heart beating like a jackhammer in my chest, my throat, my brain. I can't bear to see his eyes, full of shock and panic.

  The doorbell rings and my stomach feels so hollow I think I'm going to faint. I get to my feet and race to the front door.

  When I open it, however, it's not Leonardo standing there but a girl I've never seen before, holding a suitcase. A red-haired girl, with freckles on her nose and two large green doe eyes. She's beautiful and sophisticated with long, wavy hair falling softly over her shoulders.

  "Hi." She smiles, looking over my shoulder. She walks past me and, without asking permission, strides into the house.

  "What the fuck are you doing here?" Ben's voice rings out in the living room, stopping me in my tracks.

  "Hi, guys. It's a long story." Ben's words don't seem to have phased her in the least. "Hey, Jess." She takes my roommate in her arms and hugs her tight, while Jessica's gaze remains impassive.

  Whoever she is, they're not very happy to see her.

  "Maddy, sweetheart. Bad timing...bad bad timing!" Mark steps back and slings an arm around his brother's shoulder.

  Maddy...the girl who owns this house, Maddy? Ben's ex, Maddy? Maddy Maddy?

  "Sorry for busting in like this, guys. I was in Florida visiting my mom, but she left for Barbados this morning and I can't get a flight back to Chicago until tomorrow morning. I didn't know she was leaving and I can't change my booking." Her voice is light, melodic. She runs a hand through her hair, letting it fall down her back and I can't help watching Ben's face. He's breathing furiously through his nose again, standing motionless in front of her. "Can I stay here tonight?" She smiles sweetly and I just want to punch her.

  "Sorry, Maddy, but..." Jessica hesitates for a second and glances over at me. She's not expecting me to tell her she can't stay, is she? I mean, technically, this is her house. "...But Cat's boyfriend's on his way and there are already too many of us."

  When Ben hears 'Cat's boyfriend', he rolls his eyes and takes two steps backward, shrugging his brother's arm off.

  "I won't be a bother, I promise."

  I don't hear the rest however. A cab pulls up on the driveway and my heart literally stops beating. I'm terrified to turn around and see Leonardo but I turn for one brief second and almost fall over, my legs are so weak.

  "Blondie?" I don't move and Ben breaks my heart when he continues. "You can sleep over at our place tonight, Maddy."

  I can't believe he really said that. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, like a small child, but instead I stare at him in silence.

  My whole world is collapsing. Ben takes her hand and pulls her into the kitchen but I don't even have time to take it all in, I have to go to Leonardo.

  With a trembling hand, I push the door open and watch him from the doorway as he pulls his bags from the car.

  Blood courses through my veins and my eyes fill with tears. Leonardo, my boyfriend. So handsome, with the kind of grace and class I've never seen in another man. His dark brown hair is shorter than I remembered, and he has his favorite Ray-Bans perched on top of his head. Barefoot, my legs shaking, I make my way over to him.

  He doesn't notice me until I'm halfway between the front door and the driveway. "Tata!" he shouts when he sees me. His beautiful dark eyes light up and his sweet smile knocks me out. He runs toward me and it’s like a scene from a movie. He lifts me up, twirling me around a couple of times, hugging me so hard it makes me squeal. Muscular arms I know so well envelop me with so much love I can't hold back the tears.

  He kisses me on the lips, so hard our teeth clash. When he finally puts me down he has to wipe a tear away from his right eye. "My God, Tata. You're so beautiful."

  I haven't said a word yet. I gaze up at him, dazed and confused, my heart beating overtime. "Ciao, amore," is all I can say before I throw myself back into his arms, refusing to let go, and he has to pay the cab driver with me clinging to him.

  "My mother told you, didn't she?" he asks. I laugh. It's so good to talk to him again, rediscover how natural it feels to have him in front of me.

  I wink and hug him again, then take his hand and lead him toward the house. Mark is leaning in the doorway, his arms folded, a stupid look on his face. Jessica, on the other hand, is smiling from ear to ear. She's very good at faking it, when she wants.

  "Leo, this is Jessica, my roommate, and Mark, our neighbor."

  Leonardo holds his hand out and elegantly introduces himself, flashing his most charming smile. "I've heard so much about you." I smile. His English is a little rusty to say the least.

  "Hi, Leo. Welcome." Jessica smiles, standing aside to let him in.

  "Hi, Leo." Mark tries to act indifferent, but can't.

  As we enter the house, Leonardo whispers in my ear so the others can't hear. "Why is he in his underwear, with no shirt?"

  "He's always in his underwear with no shirt." I laugh. "You'll get used to it." He squeezes my hand and we follow Mark and Jessica into the kitchen. My coffee cup is still there, next to Ben's.

  Benjamin.

  Just thinking of his name brings everything back with the force of a tsunami. I look around but he's gone...with Maddy.

  "How was the flight?" I ask in Italian as Leo sits down on one of the stools. Jessica hands him a cup of coffee but he hesitates.

  "There was a little turbulence during the first part of the journey, actually, but then everything was okay." He kisses me on the cheek. I'm torn between the familiarity of his touch and the embarrassment at being kissed in front of my friends.

  "Are you tired?"

  "Not much, I got some sleep on the plane. My mother got me an upgrade to first so I traveled in style."

  That figures.

  "Wow, Leo. What a wonderful surprise!" Mark's sarcasm makes my blood run cold. Fortunately, Leo doesn't notice, he's too busy trying to understand what Mark's saying to catch his tone.

  "It's her birthday in three days and I didn't want her spending it alone."

  Oh, believe me, I wouldn't have been alone. My guilt resurfaces. It's so strange to see him in my kitchen with my friends, but it's even stranger to see him in the same room as Ben. Wait a minute, didn't he go home?

  He enters the kitchen defiantly, his face frozen in an expression I've never seen before. He's changed; he's wearing my favorite jeans, the ones that show off his ass to perf
ection, and a white polo shirt. He's just taken a shower and his hair is still damp, his scent hovering in the air.

  They look at each other for a second. Ben glowering, Leo with total indifference. Ever the gentleman, he stands and offers him his hand. Ben hesitates a second and I have to close my eyes.

  He’s going to tell him.

  "Hi, Leonardo. Pleased to meet you."

  "Benjamin Carter."

  Jesus. So formal. Leo shifts his head to one side, taken aback by the way my neighbor introduced himself. Ben doesn't even bother looking at me, he walks straight past and speaks to Mark and Jessica.

  "Did I leave my cell phone in here?"

  Jessica pulls it out of the pocket of her shorts and hands it to him. "I was about to bring it over."

  The atmosphere is frustratingly heavy.

  "I'm going for breakfast with Maddy, since this morning's didn't quite work out." He flashes me a quick glance and I automatically put a hand on Leo's leg, attracting his attention, smiling sweetly.

  I was so important it took Ben all of five seconds to move on. Let him stay with her tonight. When she goes back to her fiancé in Chicago he'll be all alone and perhaps he'll finally understand how to behave. Not that I'm in any position to give lessons.

  He leaves the kitchen without saying another word. It feels like we're back where we started, when he treated me the same way.

  "Who was that?"

  Good question. I know I mentioned him occasionally, it would have been impossible not to. "Mark's brother, our other neighbor. I think I must have mentioned him." I'm finding it hard to swallow. What sort of situation have I got myself into?

  "Yeah, I think so." He smiles lovingly.

  "Come on, I'll show you my room." I stand up, taking my cup with me. Leonardo waves goodbye to everyone and goes back to the living room. I'm about to follow when Mark stops me, his voice low so no one else can hear.