Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  Why does it all have to be so difficult? I could wake her, tell her I'm here, right next to her, that this is the only place in the world I want to be. I check my watch distractedly; 6:00 p.m. Leonardo will be home in an hour. I'm going to sit here for the next hour and listen to this song over and over again. I want to touch her but I'm afraid to wake her, to hear her say that she doesn't want me, that I have to get out because she doesn't trust me. I look at her again. She's so damned perfect. What has she done to me? What's so special about her that it makes me want to stay here, on her bedroom floor, listening to the same sappy song on repeat?

  I'm going crazy, one heartbeat at a time, and it scares me to death, because, even if I found a way to convince her, to make her forgive me, sooner or later, she's still going to leave. And then what will I do? Follow her to Italy? Nope, impossible.

  I glance around the room. His presence is everywhere. The open suitcase, a pair of pants draped over a chair, three pairs of shoes in the open closet. Who the hell brings three pairs of shoes for just five days? Fucking snob. Designer pants, expensive shoes, the guy has money written all over him. I heard he flew here first class, too.

  Is that what Blondie wants? A rich guy who showers her with gifts and takes her to dinner in classy restaurants?

  The song starts again and I close my eyes, losing myself in its notes.

  I must have fallen asleep because the noise of a car in the driveway startles me awake. Cat's still fast asleep. I get to my feet and peer out the window.

  Shit! He's back!

  He parks a brand new BMW behind Cat's white Wrangler, leans over the passenger seat, and pulls out practically a bush of red roses that's bigger than him and all I can do is stare like an idiot, unable to move. Fuck!

  That's how Prince Charming gets the princess. Flash cars, flowers, dinners in expensive restaurants. There's no competition.

  Blondie stirs and I turn and look at her. She slowly opens her eyes and as soon as she focuses on me, they fly open. "Ben?"

  "Shh." I sit on the side of the bed and take her face in my hands. Leonardo is about to walk in and I have to get out of here before he catches me. I've no idea how I'd explain the situation. I kiss her softly, barely touching her lips, which taste of tears. She doesn't push me away, either because she doesn't know her boyfriend is only a few feet away, or because she's still half-asleep and doesn't remember what an asshole I've been the past couple of days. Yelling, screaming, accusing her of god knows what, threatening her then, to top it all, fucking another girl...three times.

  I cover her lips in tiny kisses, unable to break away. So beautiful and so damn perfect. For one second, our lips meet again, then I caress her cheek and stand up.

  I get out of here just in time and hide in Jessica and Erika's bathroom. I leave the door ajar and stand in the dark, grinning like a fool. Who knew that one day I'd lose my mind like this?

  35

  I dab eyeshadow on my lids with the tip of my finger and blend it. I scrutinize my reflection in the mirror and really don't like what I see. I've already changed six times––with the bedroom curtains closed––and I hate everything. I have to force myself to smile, to eat, to study. Today's test went badly. No surprise there, yesterday afternoon I hardly opened my book. My lips are still tingling from Ben’s hot kisses. Leonardo is hyper tonight and I can't understand if he hasn't noticed my mood at all, if he's pretending that everything is okay, or if I'm the one who's so good at pretending that everything seems normal. Whatever it is, my mood couldn't get any worse. He's going back to Rome on Thursday morning and I still haven't found the courage to tell him what is all too clear in my head and my heart.

  I smooth down my strapless black dress and slip into my shoes then take one last look in the mirror, glue on my best, dazzling smile, and force down the lump in my throat.

  Back in my bedroom, I stare at the roses Leonardo gave me yesterday. He must have spent a fortune. Ben crept out of my bedroom and twenty seconds later, Leo walked in, sending me into utter panic. He greeted me with a huge, ear-to-ear smile and a light kiss on the cheek, but all I could think of were Ben's hands on my face, his eyes staring into mine, and the song he dedicated to me at the beach playing on repeat.

  Distractedly I pull out one of the roses, pricking my finger in the process. Forty red roses. He said he'd wanted to wait for my birthday but couldn't resist.

  "Ready, Tata?" His nickname for me irritates more than ever. I put the flower back and turn around to face him. "You're beautiful..."

  Why can't he be an asshole and make my life easier? I guess I'm going to have to take the responsibility for what I've done and just the thought makes me feel worse.

  "Two minutes, I promise."

  "Okay, I'll wait for you in the kitchen. I'm chatting with Mark and Erika. She's so funny!" I nod and he leaves the room.

  I walk into the kitchen and in that exact same moment, Ben sneaks in through the patio door. I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon, when I woke up and found him in front of me, as if it were a dream, and couldn't say a word in case my dream shattered to pieces.

  He's so gorgeous it hurts to look at him. He smiles and greets Leonardo politely.

  I should be furious at him for sleeping with his ex, and to tell the truth, I am, but the thought of losing him hurts more.

  Leo gets up and walks over, takes me by the hand, and twirls me around. "Finally! Come on, we have a reservation..."

  "Wow! Cat-Babe! Smokin’!" Mark lets out an approving whistle and winks at my boyfriend.

  Leonardo gives him a cheesy grin and says goodbye.

  My plastic smile never slips once. I look at Mark, then at Leo, over at Ben, then at Erika, all the time with the same expression painted on my face. If I stop smiling, I'll start screaming. Leo takes me by the hand and I glance over at Ben, but he's not looking at me. He's perched on the kitchen table, staring down at his phone, as if what happened between us was all water under the bridge.

  The restaurant is extremely elegant and our table is by a huge window, overlooking a lake. The candlelit atmosphere is relaxing and soft music hovers in the air. It’s all perfect...almost.

  "You haven't said a word since we left home." Leo's wounded expression makes me feel even more depressed.

  "We need to talk," I blurt, without really knowing what to say or do next. Do I really want to break up with him while we're sitting in a fancy restaurant, the day before my birthday? Not really.

  "About time!" He smiles patiently, chewing the inside of his cheek. I hate it when he does that. Discussions with him are always calm and polite, while I want to scream and shout at the top of my voice and wish he'd shake some sense into me and bring me back down to earth with him.

  "You always do that," I snap, and his eyes open wide.

  "Pardon?"

  "You heard me! You know something's wrong, yet you sit there in the corner waiting for me to say something. Smiling, acting as if everything's normal until I explode." I can hardly sit still, fidgeting, tapping my foot furiously under the table.

  "If you've got something to say, say it. Why do I always have to drag it out of you?"

  Okay, so maybe he’s right, but that's not the point! He always avoids confrontation because he doesn't want trouble. I know sometimes it's easier to bury your head in the sand than face them head on. He's not the only one, I do the same thing.

  I take a long breath, then another.

  "What's wrong, Tata?" His soft voice is really pissing me off now.

  "Stop calling me Tata!" I exclaim.

  He looks at me in amazement for a couple of seconds, then his face becomes serious again. "Would you rather I called you Blondie, or Babe, even?"

  I think I'm going to have a heart attack. It takes all my strength not to faint. "Blondie?" I feel the blood slowly draining from my face, and a million blue dots blur my vision.

  "Don't play dumb with me. I've taken your shit for three days now because the last thing I want is to fight with you, bu
t you can tell a mile off you don't want me here. You're always so stiff, you haven't smiled since I got here. Do you want to break up with me, Cate?" His grim stare nails me to my seat, his words catching me off guard like never before.

  Say yes!

  "I'm just confused." Now more than ever.

  "About us?" He picks up a knife and plays with it, drawing thin lines on the immaculate white linen tablecloth. A waiter stops by but Leo sends him away, telling him we haven't decided yet.

  "Yes. About us," I whisper.

  "I need the bathroom." He stands up abruptly and rushes off toward the corridor at the far end of the room, repeatedly wiping his forehead as he disappears down the corridor.

  Shit, shit, shit! Why did I have to start such a complicated conversation right now? Sitting here, waiting for him to come back, I glance through the menu. I'm not hungry anymore but if I don't eat something soon, I'll collapse.

  When Leo gets back, damp hair hangs limply over his forehead and the sweetness in his eyes is gone. He looks strained, tormented.

  "We don't have to talk about it now," I begin when he sits down.

  "When, then? I knew something was wrong but I didn't realize it was so bad. By the look on your face, it must be pretty serious. So, what do you have to confess? Is there someone else? Please, don't tell me it's Mark!"

  Forcing myself to drink, I swallow a couple of sips of my water.

  The waiter comes back and Leo makes me order first. Salmon en croute something with potato something as a side. He orders the same without even looking at the menu.

  "Mark? What's Mark got to do with it? The problem is you and me..."

  "Wow, we've gone from 'us' to 'you and me' in less than thirty seconds. Come on then, what's the matter with you and me? Because up to five minutes before you got on that fucking plane three months ago, we were the world's happiest couple, inseparable. Then you landed here and simply moved on, with an ease that makes me shudder."

  I don't know what to say, which isn't like me. Fights with Leo usually follow the same pattern: I shout and scream and he sits there patiently, waiting to speak, never raising his voice, always polite, rational. Tonight however, it's like we've switched roles.

  "I didn't simply move on. It's just that everything's so strange and..."

  He interrupts me again. "Tell me, Tata. What's so strange? What are all these strange things that surround you?"

  "Well, if you'd let me finish!" I raise my voice and immediately feel embarrassed. This place is too refined for screaming matches.

  Leo sits back in his chair, crosses his arms, and flicks his hand for me to continue.

  "I don't know what's happened to me lately, I'm confused. My life revolved around yours, we did everything together; first school, then university. Parties, friends, weekends. You know what I realized when I got here? I don't have any friends of my own. I don't have a best friend, not a real one, anyway." He arches an eyebrow and I continue before he can say anything. "Monica and Giulia don't count, they're your friends' girlfriends, we have to be friends. Since I got here, I've been getting to know Caterina without Leonardo. I was scared to death at first, but now..." I take a long breath, not knowing what to say next. "Please, don't look at me like that."

  His sad expression crushes my heart. "I knew this year would be hard but, unlike you, I already knew you were the only woman for me. My friends are always telling me to go out, have some fun, enjoy my freedom, but without you it's like...it's like I can't breathe."

  We stare at each other for a few seconds. "I don't understand anything anymore."

  "Do you still love me?" he asks, terror in his eyes and, as usual, my brain takes over and answers instead of my heart.

  "Of course I do, but that's not the point."

  "What is the point, then?"

  I do love him, and what I feel is genuine, but I'm not in love with him anymore and I can't get the words out.

  "You and I are destined to be together," he continues. "You'll never find a connection like this with anyone else. We give each other space without putting too much distance between us. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you're the woman I want to wake up with every morning, the one I want to start a family with, and being so far away from you has done nothing but magnify this feeling. Perhaps you've forgotten because right now you're caught up in this whirlwind of new experiences, but when you come home in June, I'll be the one waiting for you, always. Do you understand, Caterina?"

  I nod. The lump in my throat is growing out of all proportion now, threatening to suffocate me.

  Is he right? I don't know, my head's all over the place. The best guy in the world is sitting here in front of me, telling me he'll wait for me forever, that he understands why I'm so confused and all I want to do is stand up and run away,

  "How can you be so understanding?" I ask, my voice faint.

  "Because I love you so much. You've been really distant these past few days and it's my fault. I shouldn't have turned up like this. This is your life and I have nothing to do with this part of it. I can understand how you feel, I'm not stupid, but I'm sure this whole experience will make us stronger; when you come back, to me, to Rome, and re-start your life, everything will be like it was before. "

  Everything will be like it was before. I repeat it in my head. Everything will be like it was before. Back to our planned life, lunches at the club, the soccer game on Friday evening, the same faces every day at university. I feel like I'm going to implode.

  "What if I don't want to go back to Rome? What if I want to stay here?" I can’t help it, the words come tumbling from my mouth. I couldn't stay, anyway. What would I tell my father? Hi, Dad. You know the twenty thousand dollars you spent so I could study in Orlando for a year? Well, how about I stay for another couple of years? Sure, why not?

  "You can't be serious? You're letting this whole experience take over. This isn't your place, they're not your people. Could you really spend the rest of your life away from your father?"

  My dad? No, probably not.

  "I think so."

  "No, no, you couldn't. Being apart is hard, I know, but we're strong. We'll get through this together, then we'll be together forever. Look at me, Tata."

  Look at him? Yes, okay, I can do that. I look at the handsome guy who's been the center of my universe all these years, begging me not to throw it all away.

  "I've got something for you. Perhaps it’s a bit much, but I came here to Orlando determined to prove to you how much I love you and..." He rummages in the inside pocket of his jacket, smiling mysteriously. He places a small box on the table and my heart stops beating for a few seconds, then starts again, hammering furiously in my chest.

  What the hell is he doing?

  "Don't think of it as a commitment, though. It's a promise. It's my way of showing you how much I love you because, evidently, I can't do it in words." He moves his chair closer to mine and I can't look at him, all my attention is focused on the red velvet box that he's passing from one hand to the other.

  Please God, don’t let it be a ring or my salmon will swim back up again!

  My worst nightmare materializes right in front of me. Leonardo flips the clip and the lid flies open to reveal the most astonishing solitaire.

  A diamond the size of a coffee bean mounted on platinum stares enticingly up at me. I can't hold back my gasp of surprise. It's beautiful, sophisticated, and every woman's dream. "Leo, what the hell...?"

  "You're the most important person in my life. It was my grandmother's. I was going to give it to you when I asked you to marry me and I guess that's what I'm doing. Not now, in a few years’ time, when we have jobs and a house of our own, then I'd like to marry you, in front of our families and friends because you, Caterina Zanetti, are the love of my life."

  My eyes fill with tears, but they're not tears of happiness. I don't deserve this guy. I don't deserve one second of his love. I'm trying to find the words to tell him I'm no longer in love with him and what d
oes this handsome, intelligent, polite guy do? He offers me an incredible diamond ring as a token of his love.

  Kill me! Kill me now!

  Leonardo eases the ring from its box and takes my hand in his. My feeling of powerlessness at not being able to tell him how I feel, or even move, is overwhelming.

  That's when it dawns on me: it's always been like this. He hears me but he doesn't listen to me. He has such a determined way of doing things, he dazzles me with kindness, hoodwinking me into letting him get his own way. The worst part is, he always makes it seem so natural and spontaneous.

  Ben's not like that. He provokes me, he gets under my skin, forcing me to face myself, pushing me to the limit, for better or for worse. The fact I'm thinking about Benjamin Carter while my boyfriend is slipping an enormous diamond ring onto my finger is further confirmation that I'm making one mistake after another, and am unable to stop myself or rebel.

  I try to tell him, but the words get stuck in my throat. "I can't..." Is all I manage to say and the ring is already on my ring finger, glittering brightly, twinkling in the candlelight.

  "You don't have to answer me now, you just have to understand. Take all the time you need. You're confused, I know, but you'll come back to me and I'll be waiting for you." His charming smile annihilates me. He runs a hand through his short hair and looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the world.

  Still unable to move, I stare silently down at the ring.

  36

  We get home around eleven thirty. Leonardo dropped a spoonful of wild-berry cheesecake down his front and it's smeared all over his white shirt and blue trousers.

  "I've even got strawberry liqueur in my underwear!" He laughs. He's happy, at least. I force myself to smile back. I'll have a facial paralysis by Thursday. "I need to take a shower."