by Valentina F.
I won't let him win. I won't run to the bathroom in tears.
He leans forward and whispers something in her ear, something that makes her giggle even more and I think my heart stops beating. Did he become funny all of a sudden?
I sit down next to Erika, deliberately turning my back on Ben. Convincing the world I'm immune to his bullshit is one thing, but seeing him coming on to that girl, just a few feet away from me, on my birthday, is another.
Paul noisily pulls a chair out next to mine and sits down. He hands me his glass and I take a sip from the straw. He's really cute, not like Ben, whose looks are sublime, but he's definitely a good looking guy.
"So, we’re going back to your place soon?" he asks. Mark hears him and leans in toward us, slipping a protective arm around my shoulder, but I ignore it.
"Yes, sure. Thanks." I pass his glass back, taking the chance to lightly stroke his arm. It's all for Ben's benefit, though I'm not even sure he's still watching me, which means it's all a wasted effort. "Did you drive here?"
"Yeah, but I'll get Thomas to take me home. You drove here, too."
"I've only had a couple of sips of vodka." I shrug. "I don't think I'll have any problems and, besides, I'm Italian..." Of course, there's no way I'm driving home, I didn't even drive here, but Ben doesn't know that. I feel his presence behind me and know he's listening.
Paul laughs. "Yeah, I hear they start them young over there!"
Mark, who’s still leaning on my shoulder, leans in even closer. "I thought we said Jessica was driving tonight," he whispers, smiling nervously.
When Jessica hears her name she turns around. "Yeah, but even when she's drunk, Cat drives that stick shift better than me."
I laugh loudly. "Ha ha! But you were awesome!" No, she wasn't, she's a total threat to society.
"Right, ready to go?" Mark asks, clearly wanting to wrap things up. We stand up and gather our things. I'm afraid to turn and meet Ben's gaze but I have no choice.
"Ben, I'm leaving with Cat and Jessica," Mark informs him, avoiding eye contact. I think he was being sincere when I cornered him. "See you there."
"Maybe," replies Abby's friend. She gets up from her seat, giving everyone in the place a sudden, unsolicited flash of her underwear. Ben continues to glance around, a puzzled expression on his face. Who is he looking for?
"What? Just you three?" he asks and then I get it.
Mark scoffs and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the exit.
"He doesn't know, does he?" I ask as soon as we reach the enormous parking lot.
"About Leo? Nah, but he must have figured it out by now. None of us told him."
"Okay." I hand my keys to Jessica.
"Cat, I love Ben, you know I do. But he can't treat you like this, we're all on your side." Jessica smiles and pops the lock with the remote.
"Don't be angry with him because of how he's behaving," I say confidently. What goes on between me and him is our business and they shouldn't exclude him or push him away, it's not fair. I don't want anyone taking sides. "You're his best friend, don't turn your back on him."
She laughs and climbs into the car. "Don't worry, it will do him good. Besides, these are orders from above...from Kris, I mean!" For some reason, she and Mark are chuckling.
"What?"
"Yeah, Kris warned us. We're not allowed to tell him anything about you. As of tonight, you are taboo. It's a guy thing." She winks and starts the engine of my antediluvian Wrangler.
I turn on the radio and my favorite Sia song blasts out of the speakers. I turn up the volume and press the button to lower the soft top.
Mark covers his ears as Jessica and I sing “Chandelier” at the top of our voices, improvising a ridiculous dance when we get to the chorus. I take my memories of Ben and lock them away in a corner of my brain: it's my birthday, I've done nothing but cry for a week. It's time to turn all this around and enjoy myself, my friends and their company.
All at once, my good mood comes back. This is my life now, in the present. If someone really loves me, they'll follow me. I don't have the courage, however, to check the rearview mirror to see if Ben is following.
It was one of the best birthdays I ever had. I laughed the whole time, drank too much, sang, and danced. Ben showed up with Abby's friend and they were glued to each other all night, but I was determined they wouldn't ruin my evening. Every time I bumped into him, I simply changed direction and had another drink. Fortunately, I don't have classes till this afternoon, because this morning I can't even remember my name.
Mark slept in my room. He was so drunk, he collapsed on my bed and fell asleep, leaving me the tiniest of gaps to sleep in. He's still fast asleep when, exasperated, I climb out of bed, crazy with thirst and wildly hungry. I also have to go over last Tuesday's notes or I won’t understand a thing.
I have a pounding headache and I totally deserve it. I danced all evening, not caring about anyone, Ben, or Leonardo. I feel free and I'm absolutely sure of one thing: no more tears. They can both go to hell.
I come out of my room, half-naked, with no idea what time it is. The house is silent and I almost jump out of my skin when I enter the living room to find a guy fast asleep on Maddy's expensive couch. He's still wearing his jeans but he's bare-chested, with dishevelled, curly hair peeking out from under a cushion. Paul. I guess Tom must be in Erika's room and that they were both too drunk to drive home.
I tiptoe past, heading for the kitchen, where it looks like all hell has broken loose. Plastic cups strewn all over, empty bottles, food scattered everywhere. It's going to take forever to clean up, so goodbye Marketing and Communication Skills revision.
The door through to the garage is open and I reach over to close it but it flies open again and Ben appears, looking pretty pissed, a black garbage bag in one hand.
We stand looking at each other for a few seconds until I come to my senses and step aside to let him pass.
"I wanted to get a start on the cleaning," he announces.
"Don't worry, I'll do it after breakfast."
My icy tone has no effect on him. He opens the bag and starts tossing things inside as if I hadn't even spoken. Let him get on with it, I need breakfast.
I fill my cup with the hot coffee Ben must have prepared and quickly drink a couple of bottles of water. I hear him padding barefoot around the room but we completely ignore each other. I sit in my usual place and flop down, my head on the table. My head is killing me.
The situation can't get anymore embarrassing. I stand up again, open the refrigerator door and pull out what's left of my birthday cake, cut a generous slice, and literally dive into it. It's delicious.
A noise from the living room makes us turn our heads. I don't know if Ben is aware that Paul slept over last night but he's about to find out.
Paul stumbles into the kitchen looking embarrassed and freezes as soon as he sees us. He's put his shirt on and is much more presentable than me in my mismatched pajamas: orange top and pink and blue spotted shorts. My witch-like hair adds the finishing touch. Thank God, I had the decency to wash away the mascara smudges from under my eyes before walking into the kitchen.
"Morning. Can I use the bathroom?"
"Sure, it's that door there..." I point to the bathroom by the door to the garage and he locks himself inside.
"Did he sleep here?" Ben asks, still picking up garbage.
"Looks like it," I say sharply, popping another forkful of cake into my mouth.
He goes back to the garage and I close my eyes.
Caterina, relax. Take a deep breath, don’t let yourself be intimidated. He doesn’t exist. He doesn’t mean anything, anymore.
***
Paul comes out of the bathroom and sits down next to me.
"You hungry?" I ask, hearing the door to the garage open and close again, Ben's unmistakable presence filling the room.
"Very..." He takes my fork and stuffs a piece of cake into his mouth.
I detest sharing silverware with s
trangers but I'm not about to make a scene right now, because I know this is going to infuriate Ben.
On cue, his response is to throw empty bottles into the garbage bag, making a deafening noise.
"Hey, man. If you wait, I'll give you a hand." Paul's polite voice makes me smile. Ben hates being called 'man'.
As I'd expected, Ben doesn't answer.
"You want some coffee?" I ask our unexpected guest.
I know I’m complicating my life. Paul came onto me discreetly last night and accepted my refusal with class, but behaving like this is only encouraging him. I walk over to the cupboard where we keep the cups.
"Ben, how about you?" I don't know why I'm asking. Perhaps I'm trying to be hard but inside I'm just a big softie or perhaps because I just want to put all this mess behind me.
The guys hardly even spoke to him last night. Jessica made bitchy comments all evening and Kris avoided him almost as much as me. The last thing I want however, are problems at home.
Ben fires another empty bottle into the bag. "No, thanks," he replies, his tone indifferent.
Fuck him. At least I tried.
"So, Cat. Do you have a boyfriend?" Paul asks and I almost choke on my cake. "I noticed Mark slept in your room..."
He completely ignores Ben, as if it were just the two of us in the kitchen. I want to throttle him. Where does he get off asking such questions?
"Mark's my best friend." I smile, lowering my head, hoping he'll drop the subject.
"How come a nice, smart girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend?" he continues.
Ben has his back turned to me but I see his shoulders stiffen. "I do, but he's in Italy. He went back yesterday morning."
"And he missed your birthday party? If you were my girlfriend, no way would I leave you on your own." He smiles timidly and hides his face behind his Mickey Mouse cup.
My laugh sounds forced. "He couldn't stay and believe me, I'm not as smart as you think. Lately I've been doing one stupid thing after another."
I feel Ben's eyes drilling into me but don't react. I reach out, grab a cookie from the box on the table, and pop it in my mouth.
"Who could blame you," Ben blurts, grabbing the broom and sweeping the floor.
Asshole! "Poor judgment on my part," I continue, bringing Paul's attention back to me. "Sometimes I trust people too much, then they turn out to be complete jerks."
"Okay," says Paul, sensing something’s wrong between me and Ben.
I get reluctantly to my feet and clear the table. I find another garbage bag and start cleaning up and Paul does the same.
We carry on like this for a good half hour. The atmosphere is tense, the whole situation surreal, however, it doesn't take us long to restore the family room to some form of tidiness.
When we're almost done, Paul announces he has to go back to his dorm and change because he has a class first thing after lunch and says goodbye with a quick peck on my cheek.
"Hope I’ll see you again soon." He smiles then turns to offer Ben his hand. "Thanks, man. Great concert last night. See you soon."
Ben forces himself to smile and shake his hand. "Bye, Paul. See you around."
I walk him to the main door and wait for him to get in his car. I take my time returning to the kitchen because I don't know how to face the guy of my dreams, the one who makes my heart beat so fast it makes me dizzy, but when I get back to the family room he's gone and the disappointment makes my legs buckle.
39
I have to get out of here before she comes back because I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold my tongue. She called me an asshole. She called me an asshole and, most importantly, how dare she do her sex-kitten act with Paul right in front of me? She was doing it deliberately, I know, but it still pisses me off.
I put my hands over my eyes and laugh hysterically. I can't believe it. I practically screamed that Apocalyptica song in her face. What kind of jerk would do that? And I'm shocked that she didn't choose me? I looked her straight in the eye and sang, 'If you're dead or alive, I don't care...'. I may as well have smashed my guitar over her head, too.
I hit the shower and focus on the jet of hot water. I've got class, then I have to get ready for tomorrow's test and then meet the girls for the auditions. Of the five tracks we'll be recording for the album that was our Battle of the Bands prize, we've decided to use one we've been practicing for a while, but it needs a female voice.
The last thing I want is to have to sit through a parade of dumb girls who can't sing but want to be in our band no matter what, but it must be done and the distraction will do me good.
The auditions are moving slowly. I can't find a girl I feel comfortable with and I've had to kick Mark out more than once because he seems to think we're choosing girls for their tits and asses rather than their talent and attitude.
Some of the girls showed up in such short skirts I got angry. For god's sake, I've been involuntarily celibate since I had the brilliant idea of sleeping with Maddy––almost three weeks ago and it feels like a lifetime––and I'm certainly not immune to their micro-minis, but it's not a beauty pageant. When it comes to the group, I won't put up with any kind of shit.
There's just one girl left to meet this afternoon and all I want is for her to show up, sing, and leave. My head's not in it today.
I hear a car pull up in the driveway and reluctantly get off the couch and open the door to find a beautiful brunette, dressed in tight jeans and a plain t-shirt, which fails to hide her voluminous breasts. Her wavy hair is tied up in a high ponytail and she's wearing very little makeup. She's a real beauty, but what I appreciate most is she didn't turn up in a babydoll...which has actually happened.
"Hi, I'm Sarah." She holds out her hand, smiling timidly. If I weren't still K.O., thanks to Blondie, I'd be turned on by her natural beauty and already be figuring out how to get her in bed by the end of the evening.
But Caterina has turned my brains to mush and I can't think about anything else.
She deserves nothing.
I've been repeating it for the past two weeks and I don't believe it either.
"Hi, Benjamin."
I invite her in and take her down to the room we use for rehearsals, at the end of the hall.
Our instruments are all neatly in position but there's very little space to move around. We used to rehearse in the garage but it was too hot and we made too much noise so, in the end, we decided to soundproof this room and it's definitely much better.
"So, Sarah, have you ever sung in a band before?"
She smiles and sits on one of the chairs in the corner as I pull up a chair for myself so I'm in front of her. She starts telling me how she used to sing in the choir of some school or other, that she played with blah, blah, blah. I'm sitting in front of the window and my gaze flies past the pretty girl in front of me, straight to the object of my desire: Blondie, in the garden. She's wearing a bikini, so skimpy I'm already hard. She spreads a beach towel over a plastic sun-lounger on the patio and begins rubbing sunscreen over her body. It's early December, it's not cold but, shit, there's no way she should be lying outside like that, I don't care how hot it is today.
Sarah's still talking but I don't hear a word. Cat rubs sunscreen over her luscious, golden skin and adjusts her bikini, untying the laces at the nape of her neck with one deft movement, and tying them behind her back so it looks like she's wearing a micro top that barely covers her perfect breasts. I run a hand through my hair and then over my eyes. Sooner or later, I'll get her out of my head.
I watch as she slips her earbuds in and gracefully stretches out. God, I want to unfasten the spaghetti straps of her bikini with my teeth, and then take her right there, in the garden. My throat dries up. That girl's going to give me a heart attack.
"...and so, here I am. Kris told me you're looking for a girl to sing on one of your tracks. I love them all, you guys are really good." She crosses her legs and leans forward slightly.
"Yeah, wow, thanks. What a
re you going to sing?" I force myself to focus on her.
"Pink, “Please Don't Leave Me”?" she suggests.
I gesture for her to go over to the mic.
She hands me a USB stick. "The backing track," she adds.
I boot up my Mac and can't resist looking out at Cat again. She's lying in the sun with such grace that I want to race out of the house and shove my head between her legs. I want to make her moan so loud it wipes that snobby expression right off her face. I close my eyes. What the fuck!
Sarah starts singing and I have to admit, she has a lovely voice, very sensual and warm. I focus my attention on her. She could have chosen any one of Pink's songs but she had to go and choose the one that makes me think of my sexy neighbor lying half-naked on the other side of the wall.
What am I saying? For the past three and a half months, everything makes me think of Cat. Even ads for body wash!
"You want to try another?" I lean over the desk, pick up a music score, and hand it to her. Her worried expression makes me smile. "Don't worry, you know it, it’s famous."
"“Halo” by Beyoncé?" Her eyes light up. "I love this song."
I start the backing track and Sarah begins to sing, with no hesitation. She has a powerful voice and I may have found the girl we’re looking for. It doesn't seem real. I must have had thirty girls trooping in and out of this house over the last two weeks, each one worse than the other.
I send a message to the guys in our group chat. "I think I've found her. Can you get over here in fifteen? I want you to hear her." All of a sudden I'm impatient to get this over with.
All three reply almost immediately. Hardly surprising. They spend most of their time staring at their phones.
Ryan's over at Jessica's and will be over in a few minutes, Mark's on his way home and should be back in ten, and Kris is stuck in class but already knows Sarah, so it's a yes from him.