by Valentina F.
Jessica throws herself at me, almost spilling my hot coffee.
"Jess!"
"Ben! Don't keep us in suspense!"
I sniff and I'm about to stand up when she shoves me back down again.
"You know what? You don't have to tell us anything! Remember all those times you teased me about the walls being too thin? Said you could hear everything? Well, now I know you weren't kidding...you should be ashamed of yourself, making that poor girl scream all night!"
My face turns white, my eyes open wide. "What the fuck? Cat doesn't scream, if anything she's too..." I stop suddenly when I see her eyes light up and Erika lets out a satisfied shriek. Shit! She set a trap for me and I jumped in with both feet.
"I knew it!" she squeals. "We want all the details!"
"Yeah, sure... and that was just plain nasty!"
"I'm your best friend and for the past three months all I've heard is Blondie this...Blondie that...now, fess up and don't be ungrateful!"
I can't help smiling.
"Look at him," says Erika. "Look at that smile! I swear, our boy's in love! He's so cute."
Cute? She may as well have called me a loser, it's the same thing.
"I'm telling you nothing." I stand up and put my cup on the kitchen table.
"Sooo, are you guys together?" Erika asks.
Good question. Are we? "Girls, I don't know, okay? We'll talk about it when she gets back. That's me and Cat, we. Not me and Cat and you two busybodies!"
"You must have talked about it at least," Jessica huffs.
I give her my best asshole stare, the one that drives girls crazy "Honestly, Jess. We had better things to do."
They shriek like little girls, jumping on the couch, then leap to their feet and lean over the table. Do they really think I'm going to tell them anything?
"What if she doesn't leave Leo?" My smile disappears and I give Jess a cold stare.
"Jess! Leave him alone." Erika intervenes, but the damage is done. "You know Cat's crazy about him."
"Yeah, sure, but we know what Cat's like when Leo's around. What if she can't find the courage to break it off?" Jessica insists. She's my best friend but right now I want to tell her to fuck off.
"Why are you saying all this?" I’m shocked and offended and can’t hide it.
Jessica sits down and looks at me in distress. "I'm just worried. I don't want to see you get hurt because of her."
"I won't get hurt because of her, I feel good because of her. I'm happy and you're pissing on my day. Listen, I don't know, okay? The past month all we've done is fight and treat each other like dirt, but I want to be with her and she wants to be with me...we didn't need to say anything."
Erika reaches out and strokes my arm. "Jess, stop it now. It will all be okay." She takes my elbow and turns me around. Her big black eyes are hypnotic, and there’s a huge, sincere smile on her face. "She adores you. She always wanted you. Do you trust me?"
"Yes," I whisper softly, glancing sourly over at Jess.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your day. I've never seen you so happy but you know I get anxious. Erika's right. Cat adores you." She smiles and her shoulders relax.
"You can make it up to me by making pancakes because I'm starving."
She nods and throws herself at me, planting a kiss on my cheek. "Sorry," she whispers in my ear.
I know why she's so worried. She's the rational part of my conscience, the one who stops and thinks, the one who says out loud what I'm trying to ignore. Cat and I didn't discuss anything. I said I loved her but she didn't say it back. I asked her to choose me and she didn't answer. She left, slipping out of the house without saying goodbye, she didn't even want me to take her to the airport.
When she finally meets up with Leonardo, will she find the courage to tell him it’s all over or will she be dragged back into the vortex of her guilt? When it comes down to it, will she choose security, the nice guy from the good family, the one who plays golf and drives a BMW?
If that idiot even tries to touch her, I hope she remembers the feel of my hands on her body, what she let me do to her on the living room table, my mouth between her legs. I hope the memory tears her up from inside, tormenting her until she realizes that her place is with me, that she's her real self only when she's with me.
I clench my fists, ordering myself not to think about it. Two weeks feel like forever and she's not even landed in Italy. I can't let a thousand paranoid thoughts overwhelm me, not right now.
She'll choose me, I know she will.
48
I walk toward Leo, my hands trembling, not knowing what to say or do. Instinctively, I run a hand through my hair. It looks a mess and I don't want him to see me like this, I'm afraid he'll guess what I did in the last forty eight hours... five times!
"Ciao, Tata."
"Ciao."
He leans down and tenderly kisses my cheek. He smells of mint and tobacco. Leo takes the handle of the trolley with my luggage piled on top and heads for the exit.
The wind hits me in the face with shocking coldness. I pull the woolen coat I bought at the mall shortly before leaving tightly around me, wishing it was the wonderfully warm parka hanging in my closet.
We walk in silence toward Leo's car, which is clean and fragrant, as always. At least he doesn't smoke in the car.
"How was your flight?"
"Good. A bit long and boring, but I managed to get some sleep."
Leo nods and pulls out of the parking lot. I've always liked the way he drives, so relaxed and self-assured, I always feel safe when he's behind the wheel.
"And how's Mark?" he asks and I turn my head to look at him. Why is he asking me about him? "I guess he already sent you about twenty messages." He smiles, trying to keep his voice calm, but I know how much it costs him to ask.
"Not really, no." The ungrateful little shit didn't even wish me a safe trip. None of them did, actually. Not even Ben.
"Did you check your American number?"
No, I didn't. How stupid. I just assumed they'd know I'd be using my Italian SIM once I landed. I slip my American SIM with my Orlando number from the zip pocket of my coin purse. "Let me check..."
I turn my phone back on, my heart pounding in my throat and, as soon as it gets a signal, it starts buzzing: seven unread messages, one each from Jessica and Erika, three from Mark, and two from Ben. My mouth suddenly feels dry.
Obviously, Ben's messages are the ones I'm really dying to read. I sneak a peek at Leo out of the corner of my eye, then lean over in my seat so he can't spy on me.
BENJAMIN: I couldn't help it, I opened your gift. I have three important things to tell you. 1: the tickets are awesome, I don't know what to say. I don't know how, but you're coming with me to the concert, count on it. 2: You should have woken me. I can't believe I didn't get the chance to say goodbye this morning. 3: Last night was incredible! I woke up with your scent all over me and I’m holding your pillow hostage. You'll get it back when you come back, but only if you ask me veeeeery nicely. Sorry, I was wrong. I have four things to tell you...4: CHOOSE ME!
My eyes mist over and I feel Leo's inquisitive gaze on me as I quickly read the second message.
BENJAMIN: I hid two gifts in your suitcase. One is for your birthday, the other is for Christmas and, Blondie...you’re mine!
Yes, I am and I don't feel guilty about it anymore.
"What do they say?" Leo's voice brings me back down to earth. I open the messages from Mark and the girls.
"The usual." I smile. "He's desperate without me...what a dick! I'll tell him to write me on my other number."
In less than ten seconds I've answered all three, leaving Ben till last.
CATERINA: Just landed. Have changed SIM. Write me on my Italian number from now on...yours, always and forever.
Okay, maybe I feel a little guilty.
"Tata, I think your father has plans for you tonight but tomorrow you're all mine. I have a surprise for you."
Okay, now I
definetly feel guilty. Very guilty.
My stomach cramps at the thought of telling him it's over. I don't know why he continues to pretend everything is fine between us, perhaps he wants to make my life even more difficult.
We've hardly spoken since he practically ran away from Orlando. We've exchanged the odd message, both avoiding any compromising words. No 'I love yous’, no 'I miss 'yous’, just polite messages, and the way he's behaving right now makes me furious.
I focus on the road ahead. I should feel nostalgic, but I don’t feel a thing. The bar downstairs from my house, where I spent five years during high school, looks exactly the same as when I left; plastic chairs on the pavement and faded Algida umbrellas shading plastic tables. They were already old when I was a kid, it's a miracle they're still intact. The road is familiar but I don't feel anything: there's more graffiti on the walls than ever and the traffic is unbearable.
Leo parks outside my building and the doorman rushes over with a huge smile. "Signorina Caterina, welcome back. Did you have a good trip?"
"Good evening, Claudio. Yes, thanks. How are you?"
Claudio has been our doorman for as long as I remember. He saw me grow up and was the only person I was authorized to accept candy from. He was practically a babysitter for the kids who lived in the building, keeping an eye on us, making sure we stayed out of trouble.
"Same as always, Caterina. Same as always." He smiles, helping Leonardo haul my bag from the trunk.
Leo takes my luggage and leads the way into the entrance. The ugly, old Christmas tree is in its usual place in the corner, to the right, the small nativity scene, which is falling apart and seems to lose more pieces each year, is laid out underneath. I know exactly how it feels.
The door of my apartment is wide open and my dad’s standing in the middle of the corridor, his arms folded across his chest.
I can't begin to describe the joy I feel, I'm almost bent double by the lump in my throat. I leap at him, hugging him as tight as I can and a tear drop as large as a cherry rolls down my cheek as I inhale his familiar scent.
"Ciao, American Girl," he says.
"Ciao, Daddy." Tears of joy stream down my face.
Still holding him tight, I enter the house. The smell of wild violet tingles at my nose and I feel a pang in my stomach.
"How was your flight?"
"Great," I cut him short. I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him that every minute, every mile further away from Orlando, my heart broke a little bit more. That I've gone over the night I spent with Ben down to the finest details so many times I'm exhausted all over again.
My father and Leo greet each other, then my father helps my boyf...Leo...carry my bags inside.
"Your grandparents will be here soon." My dad notices my expression and glares at me reproachfully. "Don't start. Your grandmother's dying to see you."
"Me, too, I can't wait to hug her again."
Leo remains slightly apart from us, but then he takes a step forward and lightly brushes my arm. "I'll leave you alone, Tata. I'll speak to you later. I'll pick you up around seven, tomorrow night."
"Okay." I don't know what to do. Do I kiss him? Hug him? Luckily, he makes the first move, kissing me tenderly on the lips.
"I missed you," he whispers in my ear.
I wish I felt the same.
My father doesn't miss a thing but has enough sense to wait for Leo to leave before he starts the interrogation. "What's going on?"
"Where?" I ask, adopting the most innocent expression I can find.
He doesn't buy it, obviously. He cocks his head to one side and frowns.
"We're going through a bit of a rough patch," I continue.
"How come?"
"Because it's not easy being far apart, communicating only by text and Skype." I'm not lying about that, at least.
"Tonight we're going for dinner in that restaurant you like so much in Trastevere."
"Does Grandma know?"
"Of course not. She thinks we're dining at the Club! He smirks and takes my suitcase to my room.
I stop for a minute, gazing down at the photo of my mother in its elegant white gold frame. She's stunning, as always. "Ciao, mamma. I'm back," I whisper, caressing the outline of her face.
I drag myself and the rest of my bags to my room, but, as I stand in the doorway, I'm astonished. It's suddenly so small and cramped. Being here feels so strange, almost as if I've never been away yet, at the same time, as if I've been away my whole life.
"Did you miss your old room?" my dad asks.
"If I say no, will you think I'm ungrateful?"
He smiles and kisses the top of my head. "No, darling, you're still the sweetest daughter a man could ask for."
Yes, of course, I am.
"Did you put up the tree?" I ask, remembering I didn't see it when I got in. It's about eight feet tall and impossible to miss.
"Not yet, I thought we could do it together, tomorrow morning. I'm on holiday until early January. Anyway, I'll let you get changed, if your grandmother sees you like that she'll have a fit!"
I glance over at the mirror. What is he talking about? Apart from the wild hair, the result of hours of awesome sex with Ben, I don't look too bad at all.
I roll my eyes. "Okay, I'll get ready."
"While you're busy, I'll open a bottle of prosecco."
Prosecco? Now that's something I missed.
I wait until he closes the door then pull out my iPhone. I switched back to my Italian SIM and I'm dying to see if there’s a reply from Ben. And there it is. My heart leaps in my throat and I’m grinning like a teenager, while a million butterflies flutter happily in my tummy.
BENJAMIN: Yours, always and forever…Sounds about right…Miss you.
I miss you, too. We spent a perfect night together and the thought of not seeing him again for another two weeks is the worst kind of torture.
The first thing I do is open my suitcase and search for his gifts. How come I never noticed he'd hidden them? At one point, he got dressed and went home, saying he needed to get more condoms and bringing back way too many. Why on earth would he have so many...just how many women did he have intention to sleep with? I quickly put the thought out of my mind and rummage through my suitcase until I find, slipped in between all my other things, two packages, wrapped in white paper, covered in beautifully written messages.
You entered my life, like thunder ripping through the sky…
It's a line from one of the songs he wrote for me. I throw myself down on my bed and trace my finger over the words. When I turn the rectangular packet over, I see he's written something else: 'I should have given you this a long time ago. Happy Birthday, Blondie.’
I'm so excited to see what's inside, I want to tear the paper off, shred it to a thousand pieces but I use extreme caution, careful not to ruin Ben's words. A blue plastic box stares up at me and my heart beats faster. I open it and delicately lift the foam protection; it's a chunky silver charm bracelet with three pendants spaced an inch or so apart. It's perfect. A cat, a heart and a...spaceship. It's us, Cat and Ben, and a tacit promise that distance doesn't matter. I am his.
I put it on immediately. I don't care if people see it or ask questions, it feels so good to have something of his against my skin, it makes him feel closer. The Christmas gift is much larger, it's a cube, about five inches across.
He's written something on each side of the cube, lines from songs we used to listen to together, and Christmas greetings and then, my favorite, the first verse of our song.
I'm dying to open it but I won't. I put it on my desk, for everyone to see. I’ll wait until Christmas Day.
49
It's ten degrees out but my hands are sweating. I'm on the terrace, looking out for Leonardo's car and can't stop playing with my bracelet, especially with the spaceship charm. I texted Ben, telling him I'll be busy over the next few hours and that I probably wouldn't be able to text him back. It didn't take him long to figure out I was seeing Le
o and his reply was short and right to the point: 'If he touches you, I'll kill him.'
In my mind, I've rehearsed what I have to say at least a thousand times and I know I can do it.
As soon as I see his car turn onto the side street that leads to my building, I rush back inside and open the front door. "See you later, Dad!" I yell, sounding like a madwoman.
Before I can close the door behind me, however, my dad’s head peeps around the living room door. "If you need anything, call me, okay?"
I roll my eyes. "Okay!"
He knows things aren't going well with Leonardo. Last night, on the way back from the restaurant, he tried to talk about it but I derailed the conversation. I trust him, I've always confided in him, but this time it’s different.
He noticed I was wearing Ben's bracelet and scolded me several times during dinner for exchanging messages with him all the time, and whenever my grandmother mentioned Leonardo I changed the subject.
I close the heavy, reinforced door behind me with a thud and call the elevator then pull down the sleeve of my sweater to hide my bracelet. I know I'm taking an enormous risk but I can't do without it. I've made my decision and wearing it maked me fell brave.
Leo's waiting, leaning against the passenger door of his car. He's hardly changed since I met him, his features are more defined and he's grown a couple of inches, but he's always been this good looking. In fact, I had a crush on him since my first year of high school.
I'd bump into him at the golf club and he used to hang out at the bar under my building where my friends and I used to get ice cream, and I'd take the long way home just so I could drive past him on my scooter.
The best looking guy in the whole school, the one all the girls chased after, a true, blue-blooded aristocrat, and as timid as a mouse. The first time we spoke was in the golf club infirmary. I'd cut my big toe on a piece of glass hidden in the grass and he'd been stung by a huge bee and, as he's allergic, he was waiting for a cortisone shot. I smile when I think back at my shock at seeing him there that afternoon. I'd come in limping like I'd just had my leg chopped off, while he sat there stoically, waiting to be treated.