by Valentina F.
I don't remember if she said anything else, I was little and it was the middle of the night.
I'd forgotten all about it, but I know why it's coming back to me now, when I need her the most.
Leonardo was my first love and I'll never forget him.
I finger the charm on the chain around my neck, turning it around, wondering if my mother would regret saying what she did if she could see me now.
I get out of bed and put the few items of clothing I took out back in my suitcase. I'll have to wait until after Christmas Day, it wouldn't be right to leave my dad all on his own. But the need to see Ben and tell him I love him is stronger. I need to look him in the eye and tell him I understand, that it doesn't matter if we’re together a few months, a year, a whole lifetime. I want to be with him, in the present.
I take the photo of us all together, the one Casey took on the first day of the shows at Tampa, before they won second place, before his warm and sincere kisses, from the inside pocket of my suitcase.
That was the precise moment when I knew I loved him and I did the best I could to suppress the feeling, forcing myself to believe it was wrong, but it was useless.
I grin happily. Finally, my head, my instinct, and my heart are all on the same wavelength, just as my mother wanted.
Live your life like there's no tomorrow.
Without stopping to think, I open my bedroom door and tiptoe over to my dad’s study. I grab his laptop and head to his bedroom. It's after two, he'll be fast asleep, but this is too important...
I tap quietly on his door and push it open a couple of inches. The lamp on his nightstand is on and he's sleeping sitting up, his back propped up against the headboard, still wearing his glasses, a book resting on his knees. "Dad," I whisper and his eyes fly open.
"Caterina, what's wrong?" he gasps, staring at me as if he's seen a ghost.
I sit on the edge of his bed, his laptop clenched in my hands. "Dad, come with me!"
He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes. "Where?" he yawns loudly.
"Orlando. Come with me. We can leave immediately, you and me. I don't want to spend Christmas without you but I don't want to stay here. Say yes and we can book the tickets now."
"What time is it?"
"I don't know...two-ish..."
He strokes my cheek and slips his glasses back on. "Leave? Together? Tomorrow morning?"
My heart is pounding as I nod, hoping he'll say yes and not shout at me and send me back to my room, grounded.
"Why not? I'm on vacation, too."
I can't contain myself. I bounce on the bed, throwing myself at him, hugging him tight. "Thanks, Dad. Thanks, thanks, thanks!"
"Woah, don't thank me yet. It's Christmas, there might not be any flights."
I hadn’t thought of that. I'll take a flight with forty stopovers if I have to, as long as I get there as soon as possible.
He boots up his laptop, which takes forever to come to life. We have to book before he changes his mind. My dad’s the kind of guy who plans his trips six months in advance, certainly not last minute. Perhaps he's still half asleep.
He opens two pages, one for Alitalia and one for American Airlines. He hates stopovers, it's direct flights only for Dr. Zanetti.
Several minutes pass and I'm so agitated I don't understand a thing, I can barely focus on the words on the screen.
"There are no seats left for tomorrow, Cate."
"What? That's not possible." I snatch the computer from him as he gets out of bed and he takes something from the pocket of his trousers, draped on a chair.
He's right. There are no seats left. I can't breathe for the tightness in my throat. I can't wait, I need to see Ben.
"Let me look again," he says. "Don't sulk, we'll find a solution." I bite my bottom lip and sulk even more. "Found it. American Airlines, leaves at 7:50 a.m."
"What? How?"
"There are still three seats left in Business."
Business? Just before Christmas? I peer over at the screen and see the prices.
Holy shit!
"Is that for two tickets?" I gulp.
"No," he sighs, shaking his head. "Per person."
"That’s crazy! Don't book. We'll leave later, when we can get cheaper seats."
He leans in close and tugs at my nose. "You may be a spoiled brat, but you're my spoiled brat and I'd buy the whole airplane rather than see you with that sad look on your face."
My eyes fill with tears. "Dad, you don't have to..."
"Of course, I do! You're the most important thing I have and I've never seen you so determined before." He points a finger at me. "Just promise I don't have to see you clinging to Benjamin all the time and that we can spend a couple of days in Miami, being tourists, just me and you."
"Clinging to Ben while you're there? Don't worry, I'll wait until you're back in your hotel before I...well, you know..." I wink at him and a pillow hits me in the face. I giggle hysterically, I've never been this happy.
"Read my credit card number out before I change my mind. The flight's in five hours."
Five hours? OMG!
The second before he clicks the ‘purchase’ button, he turns and looks at me. "Are you sure, Caterina?" He smiles. "Really, really, sure?"
I know he's talking about Leonardo. He'll never forgive me now, not after this. I never meant it to end like this and he's going to hate me for the rest of his life. "Leonardo isn't the love of my life, I've known that for months, it was just so hard to accept it. He's going to hate me and I'm being a total bitch but...can I tell you the truth?" He nods his head and I continue. "I feel like I'm suffocating here. It's strange, I almost feel oppressed, and I felt the same when Leo came to see me in Orlando. I tried to convince myself that staying with him was the right thing to do, but it's not. Socially, it would be the right decision, but it wouldn't be my decision, that's not what I want."
He sighs, puts the laptop down on the bed, then opens his arms and draws me into them. "Did you know, that when I met your mother she already had a boyfriend? They were engaged."
Whaaat?
"No, you never told me!"
"Oh, yes. He was a nice boy, your grandmother loved him. He was loaded, from a very good family. I met your mom at the train station, we were both going to Verona. I was on my way to a conference and she was going to a famous dressmaker's to try on her wedding dress. We’d both just graduated, I didn't have a penny and she was so tied up in her wedding plans she had no idea anymore if she was doing it for herself or for her mother." He wipes away a tear, and I crumble into a thousand pieces. "We met at the coffee bar at Termini station, and talked for hours. In the end I missed my conference and she skipped her appointment with the dressmaker. We spent the day walking around Verona, eating ice cream and drinking wine. We took in a couple of exhibitions then went back to the station. A few hours together and I was in love. At first, she told me nothing could come of it, that she was engaged, and it had been nothing but a pleasant interlude. You know, meeting a handsome stranger on a train. Then one evening, a few days later, I was working at the hospital where I was doing my internship, and she turned up. She had two train tickets to Verona, for the next day. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "There's a classical music concert tomorrow evening at the Arena, come with me." She dropped everything from one day to the next and never looked back…She had this rebellious streak..."
He holds me close to his chest. "I look at you sometimes and you’re just like her. The more people try and hold you back, the more you want to spread your wings. I'll swim you to Florida if I have to, sweetheart."
"I love you, Dad."
He picks up his laptop again and clicks resolutely on the 'purchase' button.
"Dad?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Who's going to tell grandma that I won't be marrying Earl Leonardo Maria Ranieri the Third?"
He bursts out laughing and kisses me on the forehead. "I think we're both going to have to move to Florida af
ter this!"
52
I sit at the piano, hoping that concentrating on the notes will get her face out of my head. I'd like to forget about her for a couple of hours at least, pretend that the insistent pain in my chest doesn't exist and that she hasn't left, but she has. She left and she hasn't been in touch since yesterday, when she told me she was meeting Leonardo. Haven't heard from her in twenty-four fucking hours. I texted her this morning but she never answered. I'm so confused. I have no idea what time it is in Italy. I don't even know what time it is in Daytona Beach, for that matter.
"Benjamin." My mother's voice startles me and I stop playing.
"Yeah?" I know I’m behaving like a dead man walking, and I know it’s ridiculous.
"Will you drive me to the supermarket? We're eating here on Christmas Eve and I need to buy things for dinner."
I don't have to fill her in on what's happening, Jessica has already updated the whole county.
There's no way I want to go out or see people but I don't like saying no to her. "Okay."
I wait in the car, listening to music, and when my mom gets in she automatically turns down the volume.
"How can you stand it so loud?"
I grin. "Well, you know what they say, don't you? 'If it's too loud, you're too old."
She slaps my shoulder. "Still no word from Cat?"
I glower at her. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Jess says she has a boyfriend..."
I scoff loudly. She's such a fucking tattletale. "Not anymore!" I think. I hope.
"Okay, but if you want to talk about it..."
"I don't understand her," I blurt. "She wants to be with me, she doesn't love him anymore. She saw him yesterday and I haven’t heard from her since. What am I supposed to think?"
"Give her time. She'll have her reasons. Don't automatically jump to the wrong conclusions."
Yeah, I know…count to ten. I've counted to a million but I still can't get rid of this awful feeling of emptiness. "What if she chooses him?" It feels strange confiding in my mom, but it would be even worse if it were Kris or Mark, they would think I'd gone crazy. As for Jessica, well, just lately she finds it impossible to keep anything to herself.
"Since when have you cared about the 'ifs' and 'buts'? That girl loves you as much as you love her. She'll come back to you and if she doesn't, then you'll just have to go get her."
I can't help laughing. Since when does my mother talk like this? "Go get her? In Rome, you mean? Have you been watching those South American telenovelas again, Mom?" I tease.
"You know you would. You've never taken no for an answer, why start now?"
"You make it sound so easy."
"No, you're making it sound so complicated. I've never seen anything hold you back..."
I pull up at the lights and glance over at her. "What if I'm tired of fighting all the time? Of proving that I can do it, that I'm strong, that I can get whatever I want from life? Don't you think I've been through enough? No, I'm staying here. I've taken a thousand steps toward her, now she's going to have to take one toward me."
My mother leans over and ruffles my hair, as if I were a small child instead of a grown man. "If she doesn't fight for you, then she's crazy. You're a wonderful son."
"You don't think that, you never have." I'm losing my mind. Now's certainly not the time to say such things.
"What does that mean?"
"Come on, Mom. Don't pretend you don't know. I know what you think. You think I'm like Dad and it scares you."
She smiles and shakes her head from side to side. "Really? Is that what you think? You don't know how wrong you are. And anyway, let me tell you one thing: your father may have had his issues but he was a good man, before the bad stuff happened. He was strong and determined. When he wanted something he worked harder than anyone else until he got it. If that means you're like him, then good for you. He was fantastic and I was madly in love with him. What happened doesn't change the fact that he was very intelligent, a great man."
I look at her sideways. It's the first time she's ever spoken about my father like this. "I'll probably get my degree in June." I hadn't told anyone yet. Partly out of superstition, and partly because I don't quite know how I feel about finishing college so early.
She lets out a shriek and I almost stall the car in the middle of the road. "Benjamin! A year early? Oh my God! I'm so proud of you!"
"I'm not sure yet, I have to see if I can complete my credits by May, so, Mom, please, this really is a secret. Nobody else knows."
My mother wipes away a tear. "I won't tell a soul, I swear. You're a wonderful son, you know that, don't you?"
No, no, I don't.
"Then what will you do?"
"Go to the moon, I guess!" I exclaim and we both laugh. "Tonight we're playing at Uncle George's. You want to come? It's been so long since you saw us play."
"I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world." She pauses. "And don't worry too much about Cat. She'll come back to you. Trust me, I'm your mother."
I roll my eyes as I pull up in front of the supermarket. I hope she's right because Cat's only been gone two days and I can't take it anymore.
53
I tap my fingers nervously on the edge of my chair. We're in the Business Lounge at the airport and my father is sitting quietly in his armchair, sipping an espresso.
"Caterina, stop that. You're giving me a headache."
For what must be the hundredth time, I take my iPhone out and stare at the screen. I have to write Leo before I get on the plane and I don't know what to say or how to explain what I'm about to do. The screen lights up. Shit! It's him.
I quickly unblock the screen and, my eyes wide with dread, stare down at his WhatsApp message.
LEONARDO: You awake?
CATERINA: Yes.
LEONARDO: Tell me last night was just a bad dream.
I sigh and run my hand over my forehead. It’s pretty cool in the lounge but I'm sweating.
LEONARDO: Did you really sleep with him?
CATERINA: Yes...
LEONARDO: Then forget everything I said last night. I’ll never forgive you, not even if you come back crawling on your hands and knees, begging me to take you back.
My heart thuds against my ribs. How could I do this to him?
CATERINA: Am at the airport. Am going back to Orlando.
Three long minutes go by before he replies.
LEONARDO: You’re a lying bitch! I never want to see you again.
CATERINA: I’m so sorry, I swear. You have to believe me, I didn’t want it to end like this.
LEONARDO: You’re at the airport, you’re going back to him. Don’t ask me to believe you because nothing you say is true.
CATERINA: My life is there now. I’m not going back for him, but for myself. I know you don’t understand, but that’s how it is.
LEONARDO: I hate you.
I swallow down the lump in my throat. I know he doesn't really hate me, just like I know that a small part of me will always love him.
I turn off my phone and try to drink some of my cappuccino, but it’s cold. A chirpy flight attendant approaches and tells us they are boarding our flight.
My dad slips his arm into mine and kisses me on the head. "Ready?"
"Yes." And I am.
I feel free. Despite the pain I've caused a person who did absolutely nothing to deserve it, I'm ready. I clutch my mother’s pendant, the one shaped like a globe, that I never take off. I'm following my dream and my heart is so full of love I think it's going to burst. I'm ready now to face whatever difficulties lie ahead and I'm following my instinct, which tells me to go back to Benjamin, look him straight in the eye, and tell him I'm ready. That I'm free, that I'm his, and that I choose him.
***
My hands trembling, I unlock the door, but I already know there's nobody home. I turn off the alarm then turn to look at my father. "Looks like they already left for Daytona Beach." It's impossible to hide my disappointm
ent, it's burning a hole inside me.
"Let's freshen up, then we'll take your car and drive up there. Do you know where they live?"
More or less. Though I don't remember the address and I'm not sure I'll be able to find my way there. I send Jessica a message from my Italian number so she doesn't get suspicious.
CATERINA: Hi, Jess. How’s it going? It’s so cold here. Getting ready for Christmas Eve. What are you guys up to?
An hour later and my dad is in the family room, distractedly flicking through the channels. "Still nothing?" he asks.
"No," I sigh in frustration, throwing myself down on the swivel chair. It's Benjamin's favorite, the one where he sat all those times while the rest of us piled on top of each other on the couch to watch a movie.
I look around the room and, despite the fact I've made a complete mess of things and the heavy weight in my stomach, I can't help smiling. It feels like home and it feels so good that it fills my heart. My guilt has disappeared, my doubts have evaporated and I'm immensely satisfied. I'm not breathing in the oppressive scent of wild violet anymore, there's no one here to tell me to behave myself and not run around the house. This house smells of carpet cleaner and friendship. It smells like a group of friends chasing their dreams, their whole lives ahead of them.
"Okay, I'm exhausted, so I'm going to get a couple of hours' sleep, then we'll set off for Daytona Beach. Are you okay with that?"
I nod and dad goes off to my room.
The gifts I bought for my friends are no longer under the tree. They must have taken them with them to open on Christmas Day. In their place are four wrapped gifts I don't recognize and I kneel down to get a better look. There's one from Erika, one from Mark, one from Jessica and Ryan, and one from Abby and Kris and they're all for me. The package from Mark is huge. I give it a shake and hear something moving inside. What on earth is it?