Ok, Kennedy get it together girl, it’s not high school all over again.
I pull out of the parking space. Just as I round the corner, I glance in my review mirror. Corbin runs out of the building, looking both ways up and down the street as I drive away.
Chapter Two
Kennedy
Drenched in sweat, I awaken from the same horrid dream that’s plagued me since that awful night eight years ago. Panting hard, I draw my eyelids, closing them tight together, waiting for the visions to subside. I take a deep cleansing breath and release it slowly, trying to calm my panic. Mr. Finley might have saved me from my abusive childhood, but he could never unchain me from the pain.
I run a hand over my skin, brushing damp hair aside. I roll over clutching my pillow closer to me. The smell of freshly brewed coffee invades my senses. I feel a warm hand touch along my shoulder, and a smile breaks across my face. A soft giggle rings through my ears. I reach around, pulling Ashlynn over my shoulder and hug her tightly to me.
“Good morning, Sunshine.”
“Morning, Mommy.”
“You hungry, baby?”
She nods against my chest. Moving her aside, I sit up on the edge of the bed, then stand and wait. Ashlynn leaps into my arms and I catch her, cuddling her against me as I kiss her sweet little cheek.
“Mommy, you wet?”
“Mommy’s sweaty, baby.”
“Eww.”
After we are done eating breakfast, I wipe down the counter and place the sponge down on the sink. How peaceful and calm it is not having Troy here this morning. Ashlynn sits carefree at the table and doesn’t fidget when her daddy is gone.
“Let’s go get dressed and go grocery shopping.”
“Yay!”
I take in her beautiful, blonde locks bouncing in every direction as she races past me to the stairs. I shake my head and let out a laugh. Seeing the excitement in her this morning is everything to me. I’m hoping it’s not short-lived once Troy arrives back home this evening.
We are in and out of the store quickly, we sing songs together on the car ride home and enjoy our day. I pull into the driveway, turn off the car and slip out of my seat. I unclasp Ashlynn’s car seat harness and help her out. I walk the short distance to the door and unlock it.
“Go inside and I’ll be right in, baby.”
“Otay, Mommy.”
I watch her run past me, and I turn back to the car, pulling out the couple bags of groceries and head back to the house. I hear a large crash and drop the bags running through the front door. I’m only a few steps inside when I hear Troy’s voice coming from upstairs; I race up the stairs taking two at a time and hear Ashlynn’s cry.
I walk into her room and see her entire bookshelf ripped from the wall.
“What happened?”
“She was trying to climb the shelf and as you can see failed miserably and made this big fucking mess.”
“I’m swrry, Mommy.” she cries.
“It’s okay, baby. Mommy will fix it. Please don’t climb up there again, okay? You could have gotten yourself hurt.”
I turn examining Troy and witness the smug ass look he’s giving Ashlynn. It clicks the validation that something’s up with him. I put on my fake smile, trying to play my part and defuse the situation.
“Hi, babe. How was your trip?”
“It would have been better if I didn’t have to come home to this crap,” he says sternly.
He walks from the room, and I quickly pick up Ashlynn, trying to comfort her. I’m shaking, I’m so angry.
“Shh my sweet girl, it’ll be okay. How about you go lie down and take a nap. When you wake up, I’ll make you lunch, and we can sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. Sound like fun?”
She nods.
I walk her to her bed and get her tucked in. I kiss her wet little cheek and brushing away tears as I go.
I go downstairs to retrieve the groceries and put them away, and then head back to Ashlynn’s room to start cleaning up. I have this feeling in my gut; Troy’s lying about what actually happened. I look at the wall, knowing there is no way Ashlynn could have reached that shelf, even stretching up to her tippy toes. His behavior lately is starting to worry me, but I play the devoted wife and go along even when I want to fight back.
I’ve lost my way, questioning every day why I endure the shit he shovels. I’m doing the very thing I promised I’d never do.
I let myself get hurt. I let him break me, and gone is the fighter inside. I’ve lost the match, and I’m drowning deeper in misery, dragging to the depths of depression.
I walk down the hall and to our bedroom. Troy is changing out of his suit when I walk in.
“How was the conference? Was the weather nice in D.C.?”
“It was it’s usual, boring good time. A bunch of uptight lawyers, all smashed in one room together getting up to date information on this and that.”
“Come here, baby. Is Ashlynn taking a nap?”
The fear tightens in my chest; I know why he’s asking and man, I don’t want his grimy hands on me.
He walks around and says, “Show me all this work you’re putting into this body of mine and I’ll see if my hard earned money is worth it.” He walks over to me, lifts my blouse and brings it over my head. Then, he undoes my shorts, slipping them down my legs. I kick them off to the side and wait. His eyes roam down the length of my body, and when he doesn’t say anything right away, the panic sets in.
“I don’t see much change. How long have you been at this?”
He runs his finger over the curve of my ass. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath trying to erase the look of disgust he’s sporting and keep my emotions under control.
“Only two weeks. Justeen said it takes longer than a couple of weeks to start seeing results.”
“Yeah, I don’t see it. You still have a lot of cottage cheese on your ugly ass.”
I place my arms around myself trying to escape the humiliation. I know I’ve kept on thirty-five pounds of pregnancy weight, but I don’t feel fat or overweight. I mean, I’m not the tiny little thing I was before I had Ashlynn, but I’m not a big girl either.
“I was horny but after seeing you, it’s lost its appeal. Get dressed. I’m going out for drinks with the guys at Moon Dogs.”
I reach down for my clothes and redress quickly. Troy wasn’t always the hurtful monster he is today. I loved him once and once upon a time he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
As soon as the pregnancy stick showed two pink lines, he turned vile and bitter. It started out slowly at first and then increased with Ashlynn’s arrival. That’s when my sweet, loving Troy disappeared and was replaced with evil douche Troy. I head downstairs and as I hit the last step Troy swings me around to face him.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“To get things started for dinner. Will you be back in time for dinner?”
“Probably not. Don’t wait up, it’s going to be a late one.”
“Oh and by the way that shirt makes you look fat, don’t let me catch you wearing it again.”
Chapter Three
Corbin
I’m jarred awake by fear, the same eyes haunting my dreams every night. I watch as his blue irises fade to black, a soul deep in the shadows. This dream is different than all the others. I’m always standing in front of Landry’s tombstone but this time I wasn’t alone. I could feel the faint squeeze of her small hand in mine, the soft breeze catching her hair, tickling my face. I feel lighter with her beside me.
Who is she? It’s been eighteen years, and that day still haunts me. Darkness and guilt consume me. Gone is the innocence of my youth, the happiness my childhood once held. Forever gone is a boy named Landry.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and pull myself up, resting my arms on my thighs. Will anything ever replace the penetrating pain that shoots through my chest every day? It’s only lessened by living on the edge, pushing myself to unrealisti
c limits, racing for the thrill and the countless number of woman I use and fuck.
Nowadays, I follow my conquests back to their place, or my staff sets up a hotel room for me. This way, I can leave shortly after… not like in the past where my coach or Riggs found me in bed from the previous night’s sex-induced coma.
It’s gotten me quite the reputation with the ladies, yet they throw caution to the wind and the constant red flags from other girls who have come and gone before them. I didn’t get the nickname “The Core Crusher” for nothing. I crush not only my opponents in the cage but also hearts of woman everywhere. I think they ignore the warnings in hopes one of them will tame the beast within me. There is a fat chance of that happening, especially with all the bullshit in this fucked-up head of mine.
I can’t dodge the thoughts circulating in my head. Last night replays like a movie, I almost knocked on deaths door, but none of my friends or family would have ever known. Not until I was stumbled upon by a hiker in the area or if I was washed up ashore. I don’t know why I keep doing the crazy shit I do, I just know I can’t stop myself. The rush is too satisfying to pass up. The pure adrenaline surge grew with each tick of the tine of my speedometer as I raced my motorcycle up the mountain. I was finally awake, and I realized how invisible to the world I was, in that moment. Sliding sideways, coming right up to the edge of the cliff to a halt was exhilarating, and I wondered if I would feel the instant relief of death from the daily ache weighing on my soul.
Walking through the Olympic Center, I focus on my warm up for the day. Meditation helps me find my center. I thought Riggs was insane the first time he mentioned it, but as I sat down next to him, he’d said, “It helps me focus. Close your eyes, completely clear your mind, visualize a place and time where you were truly happy in life and fully immerse yourself in it.”
It’s now part of my daily routine. Today I need it more than ever. Kennedy has distracted me, gotten into my head and embedded herself within my dreams. They are usually of us, walking down the halls of high school or back at the Finley’s house hanging out after practice. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Kennedy. It was my first day at Coupeville High School; she walked passed me down the hall, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She floated by wearing a pair of short shorts and a see through top covered in peach flowers. Of course, she wore a tank top underneath but that didn’t stop my raging hormones revving to overdrive with impure thoughts.
By the end of the year, my feelings had intensified to almost an obsession for Kennedy. Until the night of her Art show, when Mrs. Johnson uncovered a large canvas photograph of Kennedy’s. Above the photo were the words, ‘Captured Emotions’. She was chosen as the photographer with a masterful eye. My excitement turned quickly to shock once the cloth fell to the floor. The broad canvas picture staring back at me was of myself. Everyone who attended the show was a witness to the suffering my expressive eyes cast out. Every tormented emotion for all to witness and every head in the gym turned to look in my direction.
I bolted from the building, with every stomp of my feet against the asphalt; the beast fueled the vibrating hatred I felt for her. I waited in the greenbelt behind the school until every last student and parent left for the evening. I only intended on hiding the massive canvas, but after hearing two female classmates arguing over who would get to keep it. I took matters into my own hands. I don’t know how I did it, getting the large picture back to my house unseen, but I did. I went straight upstairs to the walk in attic, turned it sideways covering it with one of my parent’s king size sheets and closed the door.
Chapter Four
Corbin
The fight tonight against Kage Von is make it or break it for my career. If I win tonight, I’ll reclaim my UFC title and get some much-needed down time. Going on to train at the Olympic Training Center with retired MMA and UFC champion Benson Sander’s, and then start traveling once my break is done.
I train hard and dedicated to my craft, relieved at not having to sweat out the last few pounds on weigh-in day. I did once, and it wasn’t for me. It pushed my body to the limit, way past its breaking point, not to mention it’s ridiculously unhealthy. I decided after that first time while sitting in the hotel room with an IV in my arm, waiting for the liquids to rehydrate my overworked, over-stressed body; I wouldn’t be doing it again.
That day, the visions of Landry haunted me so badly, I vowed I’d never repeat the experience. If I train hard enough and keep a structured meal plan, I should have no problems achieving my weight goal. I hired a personal chef to prepare all my meals. Recently, Justeen had contacted me about her meal service she was getting up and running. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I agreed to try a sample of her meal prep service.
I’m sitting here on the bench in the locker room, hands extended, waiting on Riggs to finish taping them. The official hovers over us, waiting to sign off on the tape. Ready to get this party started, I insert my ear buds, hit play, and close my eyes while I listen to “Walk” by Pantera. The song awakens the caged beast inside me, unleashing my inner fury.
Kennedy’s face flashes in my thoughts. The picture my mind drew of her was if she were standing right here in front of me. I still wonder what set her off that day at the gym? The panic in her eyes riled my inner beast. I recognized the same pain; it haunts me in the mirror every day.
Kennedy has grown into a beautiful woman, no longer the young girl I knew all those years ago. All I could do was watch on as Justeen yell after her when she ran from the gym that day. I raced out after her but was too late. I considered asking Justeen what happened, but I figured it was none of my business
This is it; this is the fight that determines whether I keep fighting or hang up my gloves for good. I could go on but what’s the use?
I’m hoping two years has been enough time to get myself refocused and over Tori. At least she doesn’t consume my life any longer; my heart no longer aches like a vise is clamped tightly around it, ripping through the tissue and muscle.
I once considered Tori the love of my life and was convinced we’d be together forever. What little happiness I had, started and ended with her. I realize now it was more comfort than love. I couldn’t share my secrets with her, and that’s where all our problems began.
Hell, I woke dripping in sweat most nights from the nightmares. She knew I had demons haunting me, but I could never communicate them to her, no matter how much she begged. The thought of sharing my story with her was too agonizing for me.
The night it all ended, I was out one evening meeting up with coach and Riggs for dinner. We were going over strategies for my upcoming fight and discussing the next steps I would be taking. I looked up, and in walked Tori, all dolled up, holding the hand of some prick. I flipped the fuck out. They never saw the speeding train headed straight for them.
I steamed through tables and people alike – on a mission to get my hands on the douche. The last thing I remembered was Tori’s screams, and holding him by his neck as I punched him over and over. I still only remember bits and pieces of what happened after I left my seat that evening. If it wasn’t for coach and Riggs getting in my face on either side, I don’t think I would have ever stopped.
I was arrested for assault, but the asshole didn’t press charges, so I was released the next morning. Coach and Riggs made sure the restaurant didn’t press charges for all the damages I caused. I know they pretty much paid them off. I had two weeks before the fight that would give me the UFC championship title. I trained hard but my head was a mess, and my focus was entirely gone. I fucked it all up and lost the fight. I promised myself then and there, I would get over Tori, get my head back in the game, and never let another female get close to me like that again.
Coach knew I had something in my past haunting me, yet he never pushed or questioned me about it. He let me do my thing. When things went downhill, he tried getting me to talk to someone, but, unfortunately for me, that wasn’t an option. Hiding within my darkness was
how I dealt with the pain. I’m not sure anyone knew how or why I got into fighting.
My dad was a partner at a top law firm in Washington at Perkins & Cole, LLP. They got me out of a lot of troubles throughout the years until I got involved in the underground fighting circuit; from there on out fighting was my outlet.
Riggs slaps me on my back, bringing me back to the present. I’m more ready this time than I have ever been. I will win tonight. I have to; it’s the only option for survival. To survive through my darkness, there were three things that freed my mind from the confined beast: fighting, fucking, and racing. Lately, being balls deep in some random female hasn’t been enough. I like the adrenaline running through my veins. I’m noticing, fighting tames it, but the urge for more is still lingering there on the surface. I don’t know if anything will ever be enough.
Coach places my gloves on my hands; he pulls the straps tight, and I bring them together.
“You ready, boy?”
“Ready,” I say.
“Let’s do this shit,” I yell out. I move side to side before I start jumping on the balls of my feet, warming up. We walk the long dark hallway to the cage, the smell of damp mold is in the air and screams echo off the metal walls straight into my ears.
The entrance ahead is loud and crazy. It brings excitement and the power rush I need. Girls are lined up on both sides as we parade out into the crowd. Flashes of light swarm around me from every angle, and the feel of limbs bump, push and pull as we shove our way through the crowd. A female reaches out to cop a feel of “The Core Crusher.” My heart thuds a powerful beat, pumping fast readying itself, filling me with intensified adrenaline.
Crushing Misery Page 2