The texted conversation keeps replaying over and over in my head. Ashlynn is being so good on this trip back home. I think we are both really excited to be reunited with all the special people we’ve missed over the last few months.
I pull into my parents’ driveway at 5:39 p.m. Ashlynn and I have been singing her new princess CD during the last thirty minutes of our drive. She is so addicted to it and loves the Frozen song, “Let It Go.”
We exit the car, and I look around and notice Corbin’s car isn’t here. I thought for sure he would be here to greet us. Maybe he’s running late. He never shows that night, and I go to bed fearful and annoyed.
I feel the tips of his fingers run up along my skin turning it to ash. I watch the electric current run up and over my skin becoming dust as the breeze sweeps through sending my burnt skin sailing into the air. It is scary beautiful watching it swirl around me.
I wake with a jolt. I shoot straight up shaken from my dream. Beads of sweat break out along my forehead. What does this all mean? That Corbin, in the end, will burn me to ash? I can still see his eyes burning electric with dark ambers blazing so bright lighting my soul on fire. Will the very thing I’m running from be what will bring us together in the end?
Who knew someone so broken can desire love. Falling in love with me, accepting my large baggage of shit that represent me and all with a child no less. My fears held me back from seeing the truth. I want him so deeply, so badly, that somehow, someway I will break through my shackled walls, giving me the key to let go. To let go of my horrid past, to try and embark on an unforeseen future. I know if I don’t embrace the pain, it will seal me to my fate of forever being alone. That’s not a life I want for Ashlynn or myself. I want her already dark-filled world to be as bright as the morning sun, shining brightly, warming her way. I want to show her that even tragedy can be turned into something other than darkness. I held on all these years in hopes I would find my happiness and be released from the clutches of misery that has held me back.
I always seem happy to those looking just on the surface, but if they were to look a little deeper under the surface, they would see that happiness doesn’t live inside Kennedy Anderson. I have so many Band-Aids holding me together that if one were removed I would come crashing down. That very Band-Aid arrives in my inbox that afternoon. A ping informs me I have a new email. I ignore it and decide to check it later.
Later comes when I’m sitting in bed, fuming about Corbin never showing up. I toss and turn, and then I remember it’s there, waiting in my inbox, and I turn my phone on to retrieve it. I will never be able to erase those images out of my mind. There he is my beautiful man letting Cammie put her hands all over him, and that is my undoing.
Running into the bathroom, I throw up into the toilet, releasing everything I have into the bowl. I fall back, wiping my mouth, as sobs rack through me, undoing all my hard work. I scream out and hit the tub hoping to release some of this built up anger, and pain shoots through me. By the time anyone finds me, I have crawled from the bathroom floor into my bed and let the agony take me. I’m grateful Ashlynn slept with my parents tonight. She missed them so much and wouldn’t stop following them around everywhere like there little shadow. The next thing I know, it’s ten o’clock and my sister comes into my room. She flicks on the light and knows the minute she lays eyes on me something is wrong.
“Oh no! You’ve seen them already?”
“My phone… look at my phone,” is all I can get out.
She looks at me with pure sadness and walks over picking up my phone and looks at the screen. I pull the covers up over my head to escape the images she’s about to see.
“What the fuck! It’s even worse than Riggs said,” she yells.
“Wait, what?” I question. I flip the blanket off me and shoot straight up off of the bed looking over at her in shock taking in deep gulps of breath at this fact.
“Breath Kennedy. Did you look through all the photographs? I’m sorry, Kennedy, I knew about this. That’s why I’m here so late. Riggs called to warn me and said you would need me to head over and check on you. He told me about Cammie sending you an email with pictures of them together,” she whispers.
“If you look, Corbin’s email address is attached to the email. She sent it to him, too. Riggs is the one who noticed your email was attached to it.”
“Tell him thank you for me.”
I plop down on the bed taking in her words. The bed dips down as I feel her against me. She reaches down pulling the blankets from my grasp. The horror I see as I look up into her eyes is a frightful site. I wonder if it’s how I look once reality slaps me awake.
Pulling me into her arms, she holds me. Releasing more tears feeling her arms go around my middle and her tight squeeze on the verge of cutting off my breath. I can feel her back shake and move with force. She is crying. I pull away and look at her.
“Why does all the bad shit seem to find me, Justeen? It’s like I have a massive target on my back. What did I ever do to deserve this? And no, I didn’t look at all of them,” I say with a shaky voice.
“I don’t know, Kennedy. I don’t know why it does either. I love you, sis. I’m so, so sorry you had to see all those awful pictures. I can’t even stomach it. I can’t imagine how you must feel. But know he didn’t do it willingly. If you look closer, his arms are behind his back.”
“What? Let me see that.”
I try plucking them out of her hand, but she’s quick to move them just out of reach.
“No, I don’t think that’s a very good idea. There are still more pictures of him having sex with her too, and it looks like they are old photos because his hair is buzzed short. I think you should talk to Corbin and see what he has to say. This could be old, ancient even. I know this girl she’s always hanging around at the center; she tries sleeping with all the fighters and it’s no secret she has an infatuation with Corbin. She’s gotten herself quite the reputation, to be honest.”
“I don’t think I can. What if he tells me this happened while we’ve been together? I’m such a fool for ever thinking someone like him would ever want someone like me.”
“Stop that right now! You hear me? He loves you, Kennedy. Everyone knows it and sees it. When are you going to see what everyone else does? I don’t know what happened, but we are sure going to find out. The other thing I have to tell you is, that Corbin’s in the hospital. Cammie and a fighter named Blythe Castillo drugged him; they were both caught and are now in custody. They are keeping Corbin overnight.”
“Oh god! When will all this shit stop? Is he okay? I want to go to him, but I can’t, not now, maybe in a few days, but not now. I want to be there for him though. This is all so fucked up. I don’t know what to do.”
I’m done letting misery rule my heart’s aspirations and future happiness. I’m going to let go of the past that pushes me to run away and hide. I want the light to finally shine through lighting my way back to him. I know the minute I lay eyes on Corbin I’ll know the truth, but fear is holding me caged. I sneak into his room in the wee hours of the morning. I drove to the hospital around midnight after tossing and turning for hours to check on him.
A couple days have passed, and I still can’t bring myself to talk to him, to hear his side, and it is killing me a little bit more with every passing day. He’s called several times, and I can’t make myself listen to them.
A knock comes at my bedroom door. I glance up as I lie across my bed. Justeen walks in with Riggs, coming to the side of my bed and she sits down next to me while he stays standing. He looks pissed, and I know I’m the reason.
“You know, I thought silence would give you time to think things through, making you figure out what you already know to be true. I can see now I was wrong. I can’t sit and watch you drift away further into the depressive rabbit hole you’ve thrown yourself down. Corbin’s telling you the truth; he loves and adores you. Deep down, I know you know this to be true,” Justeen explains.
“Kenned
y, I don’t know what you’re problem is.” Riggs steps closer in front of me.
“Riggs, you promised.” Justeen replies.
“I can’t stand to sit by and act like her behavior is okay when we both knows it’s not.”
He turns his attention back to me.
“After all he’s done for you and your daughter. How could you not go see him while he was in the hospital? When he needed you the most?”
“Stop Riggs. I’m not going to sit here and let you attack my sister.”
“No, Justeen. I deserve to hear this. Riggs, I’m sorry for the shitty way I reacted to this situation and to all the situations I seem to find myself in. However, you’re wrong about me not going to see him. I snuck into his room in the middle of the night after Justeen left. I knew if I came during the day I’d risk the chance of running into you or Coach or him being awake. I couldn’t handle that yet.”
Reaching out, I move to lie in Justeen’s lap.
“I’ve been sitting here, trying to figure out how to go to him and tell him I’ve always known the truth. It isn’t this mess that pushed me away from him, although it did help. It is my old demons coming back to the surface shackling me to a bleak future. It’s the self-doubt that plagues me. I’ve always thought I don’t deserve happiness when that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Up until now, I didn’t even think I deserved him. I don’t want to think that way any longer; it keeps me nailed to my past, hindering my future. I want him, all of him-- flaws, past and all. Corbin is where my happiness lies. I’m just not sure after everything I’ve done, he’ll forgive me. I know I have to try because if I don’t, I’ll always wonder what could’ve been instead of what should’ve been.”
Lifting up against her legs, I look up into tear-filled eyes.
“Why are you crying?”
“They are tears of joy, sis. Finally, you see the light. It’s about damn time, you know.”
I hear a loud grunt come from Riggs followed by,
“It’s about damn time, blondie.”
We all laugh in unison.
“Sorry to break up the party but I need to go ladies. Training waits for no one.”
“See you later Riggs and again I’m sorry.”
Justeen gets up and walks him to the door. I watch Riggs go in for a kiss feeling the instant jealousy from their loving exchange. She comes back over and plops back down making the bed bounce from her weight. Pulling me back with her she wraps me back into her embrace.
“I was always a little slow in the love department. You’d think after all these years you’d know this.” I whisper.
“Not slow! Clueless, maybe. But really, love hasn’t always been kind to you, Kennedy.”
I watch as she wipes away the tears.
“Now, are you going to help me find out where he is so I can snatch up my man?” I teasingly question.
“I know where he’ll be this evening. I can get all the information for you. I do have my ways in persuading the opposite sex into giving me what I want.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me in a playful manner. We both start to laugh, as I swat her arm.
“Ow! What was that for?” She laughs while holding her arm.
“Riggs is your only persuasion in getting any information on Corbin, you hooker.”
We both start laughing and hug one another.
“I love you, tramp,” she says to me.
“I love you, too, hooker. Now let’s go get me my man back.”
Jumping up, Justeen stands up on top of the bed.
“Operation Defcon Corbin is now in session! Let the fun begin,” she screams throwing her arms up into the air.
Shaking my head, I look up as she moves watching me from above.
“You know, I still can’t believe you tamed that damn beast. You’ll have to teach me your mad skills in taming a playboy. I need to do the same with Riggs. That boy is a slippery little sucker.”
“Trouble in paradise, I see?” I say with a raised eyebrow.
“No trouble if he barely lets me in. I’m always kept a few arm lengths away. Always reaching yet never quite able to latch on. He has some major issues, and here I thought Corbin was the loose cannon. Go figure.”
“Corbin was a loose cannon until he finally got some help, and now I’ve gone and probably screwed that up for him. Give Riggs a chance you never know where it will lead and what underlining issues he’s dealing with. Look at me. Keep that in mind okay?”
“Naw! He’ll bounce back. The boy is showing up at the training center still. You two are stronger together; I swear it’s like you’re bound together by some mythical force. Your souls are linked to one another. I never really thought love was possible until you two showed me it really is. The way Corbin looks at you, I want that for myself one day. I’ll try keeping that in mind where Riggs is concerned. I never thought about it that way. Thanks, Sis. Now let’s get this mission started. You’re not going to get him back looking and smelling like you do.”
She jumps off the bed running to my bedroom door giggling like a loon. I laugh and decide I will start by jumping in the shower, getting my stink off.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Corbin
I feel like there is a fucking hole the size of the Grand Canyon permanently carved into my chest. The realization that I have lost her is pure agonizing torture. For two days, I felt the grieving ache everywhere. Riggs tries convincing me to take my aggressions out on someone at the center to help relieve some of the hurt. I tell him to piss off and give me some time. He knows the story; he even advises me to go talk to Kennedy and spill the details to save her from all the pain.
I honestly can’t believe Cammie sent those photographs to her. The thought of explaining it to Kennedy was too painful. What I hadn’t expected is shit backfiring in my face. So here I am, feeling the aftermath of being a sanctimonious asshole. Maybe, if she had heard it from me, it would have hurt a little less. I can’t imagine looking through all those pictures of her with someone else.
I know all Cammie is after is money and power. She is genuinely delusional if she thinks I will run into her arms after the shit she pulled. I want nothing to do with her, and I never have. I regret ever going after her in the first place, all in the name of getting laid.
The happiness I never knew I wanted is wrapped up with a perfect bow, with those two precious girls of mine. But they aren’t mine anymore. I have to get out of here and back in the cage to excise all the pain and aggression festering in my chest. The darkness is lingering there again on the surface, but I don’t want it back. All I want is to make things right, and for once in my life, having anything to do with another female is the last thing on my mind.
It’s only been two days, and I wake with a dull ache, but I refuse to give up my fight and all the work I have put into moving forward. I hold onto hope She’ll miss me enough to one day find forgiveness in her heart for the dishonesty I have shown. I promise myself right then and there I will never lie or hide from anyone again, especially the ones I love. I ran into Justeen this morning and asked about Kennedy. Sorrow-filled eyes stared back at me, and she let me know Kennedy is dealing but no more details. Riggs shared what he got out of her.
“She’s hurting, and Justeen said it takes her a while to process things. She’s been hurt a lot in her lifetime, Nash. What are you expecting her to throw herself back into your arms? Dude, this shit is fucked up, and you made it worse by not going to her to explain like I told you to do. She hasn’t heard your side of the story and the truth. The pain she must feel from seeing those images of you with Cammie has to be pure torture. I can’t imagine seeing pictures of Justeen with another guy. It would kill me.”
“Thanks, man. Is this supposed to cheer me up or help me in some way? Because it’s seriously pissing me off and having the opposite effect, asshole.”
“Sorry man. No! It’s supposed to make you realize exactly the fight you have on your hands. If you love her, fight for her, don’t sit here wallowing in self-pity. Show
her the Corbin Nash she fell in love with still exists and won’t stop fighting for her until she takes him back. Show her how much she means to you. Is she worth it?”
“You know the answer to that, asshole. I’m afraid of doing more damage, instead of making it better.”
“I get it, man, but a great warrior never lies down and takes it. He keeps pushing until the very last fight. Use the fighter in you to erase the misery you’ve caused.”
“Now, where the hell do I start?” I say as I look over my shoulder at him.
“Talking to her is the first step. That way you can gauge how hurt and pissed she is. Then, the fighting begins.”
“I have a session with Carl today; then I’ll stop by her house afterward and hope she’s there. Thanks, man. I needed this.”
“Anytime, man, now get your girl back.”
Kennedy
Justeen the Hooker: Your man will be at 23990 Jasper Blvd. SE, Oak Harbor, WA 98513 @ 6 pm this evening. Don’t chicken out and make me come kick your ass, skank =)~
Me: Thank you, hooker. I won’t, he means too much to me. Now to release my inner wildcat and show him what I’m made of.
Justeen the Hooker: That a girl. Go get him, pussycat! Meow!
Me: LOL Love you, hooker. Thanks for all your help.
Justeen the Hooker: Love you too, skank, and you’re welcome. Now go get him, sex kitten. Roar!
I pull up in front of a very colossal industrial building. I get out and walk inside. I glance around at my surroundings they are sterile everything is crisp and white. I see the receptionist. I walk towards her as a ball of nerves hits me.
“Hi, would this happen to be the counselor’s office Corbin Nash is attending?”
“Honey, I can’t give you that information,” she says.
Nodding, I walk over and take a seat on the leather loveseat. Grabbing for the magazine on the coffee table, I notice they are mostly UFC magazines. There is even one with Corbin on the front cover. I have never seen it, and I stare at the picture. He is all the rage these days. I grab it and flip through it. They don’t expect him to win his upcoming fight, but he’s a real contender. I’m sure with how the ladies go into heat any time he’s near; it sure helps bring up their revenue. The door creaks open, and I stand trying to seem taller to show I’m confident. Corbin walks out noticing me instantly.
Crushing Misery Page 23