by David Sharp
I have to find the girls and go.
The party had continued on inside. Jason guessed the bullying was so common now that no one really cared anymore about what happened to him.
It is just the way of things.
Sorely, Jason got up and checked out his beat down body. Nothing felt broken which was good. He brushed himself off and boldly went and got another beer. He pumped the keg and it sputtered foam. He was about to hit it when it flowed golden liquid into his Solo cup. The fight being over prompted some of the revelers to venture outside to smoke. Jason hated all of them in that instant.
How could they stand by and watch? They make me sick.
He drank the cup in one long gulp and poured another. A strong hand grabbed Jason’s arm. Some of his beer spilled. He thought for a second that Mike had returned since he had defied him and gotten up. The tension melted when he looked into Adam’s hazel eyes.
“Hey, your friend Tanya is beating on the bathroom door causing a scene. You should… what happened to you?”
“Oh, this,” Jason said, motioned to his face, and tried to cover it with a hand. “I fell down.”
“Like hell you did. Who did this to you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Adam grabbed ahold tighter and used his free arm to pull Jason closer. “Tell me who did this, Jason?”
Jason felt the warmth of Adam’s body next to his and awkwardly felt turned on again. Feeling overpowered and liking it he freely spoke. “It was Mike. He started it with his buddies, Brian and Chad.”
“Goddamn it, you can’t let those jocks do this shit.”
Jason was surprised by the flash of anger that swept over Adam’s face like a storm.
“They always do.”
“Come on, let’s get your friends and find Mike.”
“No, I just want to go.”
“Not this time, Jason.” Adam pulled Jason’s arm roughly and guided him to the house.
Spilling half, Jason finished the beer he could and let himself be pulled inside. Eyes glanced as they passed, voyeurs whispered, and some ignored them under the heavy pull of the techno bass. Jason could hear the banging and Tanya’s familiar angry voice over the music before he could see her beating on the bathroom door. Adam pulled him by the hand to the edge of the scene. It was then that he realized they had been holding hands in some fashion through the crowd. He felt a pang when Adam let go. He scanned the crowd for the jocks and was relieved they were not watching. The banging drew his attention to Tanya. She was barely holding on to Kelly who had a limp arm around her.
“I think I am going to be sick,” Kelly said looking pale.
“You always do this shit,” Tanya said.
“Help me.” Kelly slid down a little and Tanya caught her.
“I’m trying, but you ain’t light, girl.” Tanya banged on the door again impatient and loud. “Hurry up in there, snort it and get out!”
Muffled voices came from the other side of the door, it swung open and brought a strung out John into view.
“Hey baby.”
“Move it, John.” Tanya tried to go around him with Kelly.
“Hang on a sec.”
“I don’t have time for your shit.”
Tanya pushed John aside and saw who he was hiding: a girl with smeared makeup trying to put her bra on right.
John put his face in his hands. “It’s not what you think.”
Tanya’s eyes were like saucers. Jason knew what was coming next and looked to Adam to see what he was going to do. Adam had a strange look on his face. Jason wondered if the violence excited Adam and thought maybe he was only projecting his own feelings. Because the violence did excite him, even on the receiving end, even getting beat down. The frisson of the connection turned him on.
Only if I could turn it around and fight back like everyone else, then I would be powerful.
“Both of you get out. I don’t have time for this,” Tanya said.
The girl brazenly came forward. “Can you help me hook this, John?”
Before John could reply Tanya did. “No fucking way, Sheena.”
Sheena snapped the hook into place and glassily glared. “I can’t believe you stuck your dick in that, John.”
“I am so fucking ending you.” Tanya spat out each syllable with hatred.
Sheena made the mistake of laughing in ridicule.
Tanya tossed Kelly off her shoulder onto John, who luckily was not too stoned to catch her, and lunged at Sheena. The catfight was on in a whirl of slapping, scratching, and hair pulling.
Girls are so cruel when they fight.
John guided Kelly to the side of the toilet and cautiously backed away to slip into the party unscathed. Jason saw the nod to Adam and turned his attention from John to him.
Adam noticed and smiled. “Awe hell, as much as I want to stay and watch we need to find Mikey.”
Jason felt his stomach lurch like he was on an old rickety elevator going down way too fast. He did not want to follow, but Adam had him by the hand again. They were almost to the door when Adam pivoted left and slammed Jason against the entryway wall. The impact knocked the wind out of him.
“Look, Jason, I have seen you get picked on a lot lately and I am sick of it. You need to quit being so fucking weak.”
Jason panted trying to catch his breath. “I can’t… I mean there are too many of them.”
“Weak. You can’t give me those pussy excuses.”
“What am I supposed to do? They are bigger and stronger.”
Adam moved close crushing Jason against the sheetrock with his body. “You are smaller and faster. All you have to do is attack first. Do anything, leave them afraid.”
Jason was turned on and scared, but he sensed something else inside him. It was below the surface itching to get out. He tried pushing Adam back. Adam did not budge and he only managed to bring their bodies closer. He could feel Adam’s heartbeat and his pulse through his jeans.
“Show me how.”
Adam slyly smiled and playfully bit Jason’s neck. Jason was shocked. Before he could think about it, Adam pulled him out the door by the hand.
X
The edge of suburbia was quiet. The party house was allowed to exist in a bubble since most of the surrounding homes were vacant. Lights flashed while shadows danced in the windows. Mike was already in his F150 truck with the engine running while Brian fidgeted with the seat motioning for Chad to get in the back.
Letting go of Jason’s hand, Adam darted forward. Jason watched in amazement as Adam reached between the jocks and slammed the truck door on Chad’s hand knocking Brian to the side. Chad screamed and cussed holding his damaged mitt.
“What the fuck do you think…” was as far as Brian made it before getting jabbed in the throat.
Jason watched as Brian fell to the gutter gasping.
Mike hopped out, truck still idling, and bossed over. “Don’t fuck with my friends.”
Adam coldly stared. A solid click sounded the game changer as a switchblade opened towards Mike’s face. Instinctively, he put a hand up to protect and Adam slashed him.
“What the fuck? You cut me,” Mike said in shock.
Chad stopped cussing and slack-jawed he held his throbbing hand waiting to see what Mike would do.
Brian mumbled, “We don’t want any trouble,” as he scooted back on the uneven ground half trying to get up.
“It’s too late for that. Trouble is here,” Adam said in a harsh yet calm manner.
Mike tried to rationalize. “Take whatever you want. It’s cool.”
“I ain’t robbing you.”
“Then what is this about?”
Adam winked and nodded his head behind him. “Hey, get over here, Jason.”
Jason could not believe what was happening. The surreal feeling of it all reminded him of a dream. If he would not have felt the pain from the beat down, he would not have believed any of it to be true. Cautiously, he walked over and surveyed hi
s attackers. Mike with a bloody hand looked nervous. Brian, no longer talking trash, looked defiant, but his eyes told a different story, one of defeat. Chad dropped to his knees and looked flat out scared.
Adam put an arm around Jason’s shoulder and handed over the blood streaked knife. “What do you want to do to them?”
This is power. The thought scared Jason, yet was strong.
“I think you should cut one of them,” Adam softly provoked.
Jason took the blade. He liked the feel of it in his hand.
Brian lunged, but Adam moved left, got him in a headlock, and slammed his face on the side of the truck’s quarter panel denting it.
“Hey man, look we were teaching him a lesson that’s all.” Mike realized he had said the wrong words as he was saying them.
“Fucking queers,” Brian said from the curb unable to get up a second time.
Chad did not say a word, but he wanted out of there. The fear apparent made his face younger more like that of a lost boy.
They are just as scared as I was earlier.
In that moment Jason understood their weakness and had an epiphany. They were afraid of their own hidden desires however latent. Otherwise, why would it be such a big deal if he was gay or even if he was checking them out at the gym? The knife was like a divining rod pulling out the truth of the situation from below its surface.
“Do it, Jason. Cut one of them.”
“I swear to God if you cut me we I will hunt you down.”
Mike always had to be the leader and inadvertently made the choice easy. There was no turning back, so Jason stepped forward. He could feel their eyes on him. Mike was about to say something else and stopped seeing the transformation of the weakling they had beaten down.
I am going to do it.
Jason struck out and stuck the knife into Mike’s shoulder shocking all of them including himself. Roughly, through trembling lips, Jason said, “None of you are ever going to touch me again.”
How can I be so certain? What have I done?
Mike watched the blood flow in creeping horror and covered the wound with his hand. Standing up again, Brian had nothing else to say, although his lips moved.
Chad rose too and put his arm around Mike. His voice trembled as he said, “We got to go. Let us go, okay?”
“Go then,” Jason said.
“I’ll get you for this,” Mike nervously said.
“No, you won’t.” Jason’s own voice sounded far away to him like somebody else’s.
Maybe, I don’t know myself as well as I think I do.
Brian yelled from the driver’s seat of the F150 he had run to, “Get in!”
Chad pulled Mike away having a rough time of it with his bad hand.
“Come on Mike, he’s psycho.”
Mike’s demeanor changed. “Is it bad?”
Brian yelled again, “Let’s go!”
Chad removed Mike’s hand, took a look, and quickly put it back.
“You’re going to be okay.”
“I… I didn’t mean it,” Mike said almost to himself.
Jason felt a rush of power at the turn of events. It felt good.
I wonder what else I am capable of.
The idea was terrible and exciting. Jason watched Chad help Mike into the backseat of the truck as Brian revved the engine and felt a pang of regret. He cast off the doubt of going too far and smiled at the chaos, reinforcing the idea to them that he was psycho.
“You did good, Jason.”
“I did, didn’t I?”
“You did. Now give me my knife back.”
Reluctantly, Jason handed the switchblade back. The sense of power lingered after it left his hand. The F150 peeled out in a screech of tires leaving burnt rubber on the asphalt. Adam wiped the blade on Jason’s pant leg and put it into his own pocket. Jason felt new like he was born again from his insecurities. A sensation he never held before, one of power, swept over him. He felt he could do anything. The world was going to change. Jason knew it started in that very moment.
“Hey, I got to go find John.” Adam studied Jason for a moment and said, “You are alright. I thought you were a punk.”
Jason’s eyes widened and he slightly smiled. “How do you mean punk?”
“You’re not weak.” Adam moved dangerously close.
“I guess I’m not, well not anymore.” Jason stood his ground. The moment was so like the dream from the night before that he began to doubt it.
“Good, that’s what I like.” Adam’s lips were teasingly close.
“Oh, yeah, I like that too.” Jason could feel the punk’s warm breath on his face. He wanted to kiss him and moved to do the deed.
Adam backed away. “I’ll see you around, Jason.”
Jason managed to say back, “Sooner than you think, Adam.”
Jason felt dirty, even though nothing had really happened between them. He watched Adam roam back and strut into the party. Somehow no one had noticed the life altering event that had taken place down the street.
Only Adam knows and I am perfectly alright with that.
One regret rose to the surface, he never got a phone number. It did not matter, because Jason knew he would see his punk soon.
X
Jason was relieved to find his skateboard in the bushes where he had left it before going into the party. Stealthily, he crept off with it in hand. Ahead, he could hear Tanya before he could see her. She was walking down the darkened street with Kelly held to her side barely walking on her own. Although he wanted to tell them, he knew he had to keep the revelation to himself. It was his and Adam’s secret.
Silently, the trio fell into place walking the streets. A strange quiet hung over suburbia, over the abandoned construction on its edge. All of it seemed ripe with the promise of future development. They continued to walk daze-like until a nice looking two-story house became their backdrop. Driveway lights automatically turned on at their approach.
Jason, bloody and bruised, massaged his jaw and looked at his friends with a detached curiosity. Tanya’s shirt was torn and she walked with a shuffle as one of her low heels was broken off her shoe.
Kelly stumbled forward, her clothes marked with tell-tell signs of vomit, and broke away from the company. “Thanks for getting me home safe, guys.”
Tanya looked like she wanted to say a litany of things, but settled for: “Call me if you need me, girl.”
“Night, Kelly,” Jason mumbled in a distracted manner.
Kelly paused like she did not want to go inside then reluctantly walked to her front door. Jason and Tanya passed an uncomfortable moment in each other’s presence until Jason spoke up.
“So, are you going home?”
“Looks like it.”
“Do you want to…?”
“No, I got stuff to do, you know.”
“Right, I was thinking…”
“Please don’t start now.”
Jason put up his hands in surrender and said, “Later, bitch.”
Tanya smiled and said, “Fuck you too, Jason.”
Jason cheerily smiled back and flipped her off as he walked away. Not looking back, he knew she was doing the same with a mock shocked look on her face. He concentrated on his feet, watching each step of his skater shoes on the concrete. So much had happened at the party and he had nobody to talk to about it. Tanya would not have understood anyway. He was sure of that.
X
The stars above in the night sky were the only good things in suburbia. The only escape was imagination. Skateboard in hand and not underfoot, Jason wandered about not wanting to go home. Home was okay, but he felt so alone there. Plus, he did not want to explain the fight to his mom.
I should be living on my own now.
He circled back to where he had left Tanya and cut down an alleyway. Nice rows of fences made of freshly cut wood lined the way. Trash cans were neatly arranged and clean, barely used in fact. A stray dog sniffed around one at the end hoping for a scrap of food, finding nothi
ng it meandered on.
Jason stopped behind Tanya’s house where he could see through the slats of the fence. Water lightly lapped the sides of a swimming pool in her backyard. Lots of windows with little in the form of drapes allowed a view of the interiors of her home. He watched as a light came on upstairs and saw Tanya look out. He shrank back in the shadows when she opened the window roughly. Tears ran down her face. He could barely make out her voice in the night.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, why did you do this to me, John?”
Tanya turned back and the sound of toiletries being knocked onto the tile floor echoed out. She lowered out of view and returned with a phone to her ear.
Jason was transfixed.
Who is she calling? Why is she crying?
The sad somewhat tragic moment, at least from a voyeur’s perspective, was at an end. It was time to go. Jason surmised it had to do with the abortion she was thinking about. Jason returned his mind to the night sky, then his skateboard and the calm it brought him.
I have to get out of here. First chance I get, I am going. And then I will find you, Adam.
Cutouts
X
Newspaper clippings lined the floor of Jason’s room. They ranged from tales of runaways who disappeared to crimes of the street. All of them were centered in an area of Houston known as the Montrose; a neighborhood once bohemian with hippies and gays now seedy and troubled on its corners. The danger of being out there fascinated Jason. He wanted to experience a new world, one of chaos and anarchy. At least, the way he imagined those to be from music videos and magazine articles, and if he had someone to experience it with that was all for the better.
Jason looked away from his collection, names from the paper circled in his head. Trench coat wearing Knappy (the one that had hit John with the rake) had been taken in for attempted assault, shoplifting, and arson. Syd (a red haired fire brand) and Hex (a real butch) made up a psychotic lesbian couple that stole a baby once. Liev, a once white supremacist, with a tear drop tattoo below his left eye and scars across his face, was a known felon that was rumored according to the stories to have killed someone in a knife fight. And then there was a hulking shadowy figure named Hound. Hound had made his way into Jason’s nightmares. The unsettling figure, was mute in real life, and had killer shining out of his dead eyes. Jason tried to imagine what each of them was really like and it was beyond him. The darkness of each of their characters in the pictures did not allow a way into their mindsets. Somehow Adam knew them and knew them intimately as friends perhaps. If that was true then the newspaper lied.