“Give me more, Yesnia. You’ve got another one and I want to feel it hard, baby.”
He holds me close to him as I work us both into a frenzy. My breaths tickle his lips as I pant in need, want, and crazed emotions. His arm tightens against the back of my neck holding me to him, as his other hand slides down my belly and beyond. His thumb hits the spot, and I cry out his name before I feel his hot seed in my womb.
My body shakes and my head falls back. Axel’s grip on me is the only thing keeping me in place.
“Happy. This is happy,” I barely hear Axel whisper.
This is happy in a way I never knew could exist. I don’t tell him that.
“Sex makes you happy, noted,” I tease.
Axel releases his grip on my neck and leans in, pressing his lips to mine. “You make me happy,” his whispers against my lips. “Everything about you. With or without sex, Yesnia, I told you a thousand times, and I’ll tell you a million more, you make me a better man. You make me happy.”
Emotions fill me. “Tryin’ to make me fall in love with you, biker?” I joke sliding off him. Immediately, my body misses the connection.
Axel doesn’t reply, but instead shifts so we are both laying side by side in my bed with our heads where our feet should be, and our feet resting on my pillows.
“If orgasms give me a life with you, I’ll give them to you forever,” he mutters, and my heart shatters.
He still doesn’t say the words I desperately want to hear. I know he has to care about me, deeply. He’s been in Chicago for months by my side. Vaguely, I remember waking in a hospital bed asking for him. From what Laura, who was my nurse at the time explained, by the time I woke again the next day, Axel and the Hellions came from North Carolina to be by my side. While I was healing, he was always with me, supporting, and encouraging me.
His family left, but he remains for me.
While I waited to have sex when many women my age have had multiple partners, Axel and I have more than made up for the sex I was missing out on.
I know I’m mixing emotions with sexual pleasure, but I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I need those words.
Resting my hand on his cheek, I trace my thumb over his lips.
“Hmmm, what if I want more than orgasms?” I ask, knowing I’m treading on unknown territory.
Sure, I have a connection with Axel, but how can we possibly make this work?
“I’ll give you everything your heart desires.”
If only figuring out a way for our lives to work together was as easy as making our bodies work together. Sex with Axel is perfect every single time.
Life is what doesn’t work for us.
He’s in North Carolina with his family, with his club. I told him to go. I thought it was best. From the moment he pulled away, it’s felt wrong. Everything is wrong.
He doesn’t understand that giving me my heart’s desires isn’t possible. We are two people in two completely different worlds. I can’t ask him to give up the life he leads.
I’m in Chicago with my mother and father, still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do next. It’s been a year since I was shot. A year where I spent months healing and finding happiness with Axel. Then I did what I thought was right and I let him go. Our lives don’t align no matter how much it pains me to be away from him.
The scars on my back and stomach have healed. The scars on my heart … they have not.
I did this.
I told him to leave. Every minute since the words first left my lips have felt wrong. It’s been months since I saw him last, kissed him last, and yet it always feels like yesterday.
“Yesnia, come with me to Catawba.”
I laugh. “You’re joking, right? I missed a whole lifetime with my dad. I can’t leave him now.”
The disappointment in his eyes will forever haunt me. “Can you tell me you’re safe here?”
My temper flares. That is a low blow. I don’t need him to remind me of what happened. I don’t need him to doubt my parents. I don’t need to have the seed of fear planted inside me over and over again. I know what my uncle did. I know the life my father leads. I know the dangers and precisely how it feels to face them in this world.
What I don’t know is Axel’s world. I don’t know how to be an ol’ lady in a biker gang.
“Yes!” I shriek. “Neither of them will ever let anything happen to me again! Tio was unpredictable. He shot me, Axel. You would be best to remember it was him. Not my mom or my dad.”
His eyes are ice and full of pain. “They never should have called you here. Don’t you see, if you would’ve stayed in Charlotte, you wouldn’t have been shot in the first place.”
Frustration fills me. “Family over everything, Axel. Surely, you can understand that.”
“Family over love?” he asks and I freeze. This isn’t happening. Not like this.
“What are you saying?” I mumble.
“You really need me to spell this shit out?”
I nod and swallow hard.
“What do you want me to say? I love you. I do. Fuck, Yesnia, I told you, one call and the wrath of Javier Almanza be damned, I would come back for you. When I got the call from Javi, you know I came straight here. Fuckin’ dropped everything and came straight here for you. A woman I barely knew, but I felt this connection with. I took a chance, baby, but you aren’t willing to do the same.” He blows out a heavy breath while I’m stuck frozen in place. “And yes, if you need the words, there they are. I fuckin’ love you! My actions should show you that I’m a lovesick fool. Fuckin’ hell, can’t believe this shit.”
I don’t speak. I can’t form words. Axel continues on not missing a beat. He’s on a roll.
“Do you know why I did that shit? Because life is about taking chances. I took a chance on you. Been here for months knowing you could tell me to fuck off. Spent weeks watching you hurt. Spent months falling for you, thinking of what the future looks like with you in it. Now, I’m askin’ you as my woman to come to Catawba with me because that’s where my life is.”
His eyes flash a flare of frustration. Well, he’s not the only one frustrated.
“Axel, why does it have to be all or nothing? Why do I have to leave them to be with you?”
“I’m not asking you to leave them like you’ll never see them again. I’m asking you to give life with me a try. I’m asking you if you’re safe here because I left you in their care, and baby, they failed you. Kinda man I am, you need to know, we don’t let that shit happen in the first place. The risks are measured and people are there to prevent the fuck ups.”
I throw my hand up silencing him. “I don’t need a man to keep me safe. I don’t need a man to take care of me.” I point my finger at him. “And you know what the fuck I don’t need from you? A fuckin’ reminder of what happened to me! I lived it, Axel. I breathed it. I have the scars inside and out. It was me who bled out on that concrete, not you. Do not tell me what you think I need from you or anyone!”
“Then tell me, Yesnia, what the fuck do you need? Because I’ve given all I can fuckin’ give for months, and now you got this look like I got two fuckin’ heads for asking you to come with me.”
“I need a man who loves me.”
He reaches out and pulls me to him. His lips crash to mine in a frenzy. Our teeth clank, and it hurts the way he’s taking, but I’m not simply giving. No, I’m taking hard too. The passion between us is explosive.
He pulls away, and we’re both breathless. “Tell me what you feel.”
I don’t say a word.
He looks at me, really looks at me. I swear his eyes seek answers from my soul. Whatever he finds, I’m not sure. I only know he takes a step back from me.
“What do you want, Yesnia? What do you want that I haven’t already shown you? Actions say more than a thousand words can speak.”
I’m not leaving my parents. Not for money. Not for love. Not for anything or anyone. He won’t change my mind. I know this life. I kno
w how painful it can be. The life Axel leads … it is foreign to me. He’s a biker. There’s no safety in that lifestyle, and I’d be a fool to think there is.
“I want more than love, Axel. I want more than safety.” I let the words pour out, truly not knowing what I want.
His face is a mask. “What the fuck do you want? You want my cut? You want me to give up everything I am for you? Because darlin’ that shit ain’t happenin’. I tried this fuckin’ life in Chicago with you. Been here months and man I am, baby, I need the open road. I need the bike under me. But I can promise you a fuckin’ helluva ride and a damn good life with me.”
There it is. The truth of the matter. What I want, even if I don’t know fully the details, he can’t give me. What if I did want him to give up his cut? What if I wanted more than a Hellion?
The words tumble out in a whisper, “I want a man who will fight for me. I want more than a man to shed blood for me. I want more, Axel. I want more than a man to protect and provide. I want a man who will bleed for me. A man who will lay his soul out to the devil for me if necessary to save me because Axel, I know what it is to meet the reaper.”
Our last kiss was rough. Our goodbye was harsh. My last words were both the truth and a lie. It’s funny in a passion-fueled moment when the words slip out.
Like a stone, once cast, it cannot be taken back.
I have bled for a love unshakable. The love of my parents, the fight for their happiness. The passion exploding between them only came full circle when it was my blood on the pavement.
I can’t leave them. We have all given too much to have joy together. And I won’t ask Axel to give up his life in North Carolina. He would resent me because the Hellions mean as much to him as my parents do to me. I understand that and I won’t hold him back, so I let him go.
Even if he never understands my mind, he will always own my heart.
Doesn’t Axel see … he can love me, he can own me, but does he know that in this life we sometimes have to bleed for it?
3
Axel
When shit hits the fan, you find out exactly what kind of man stands in front of you.
Pulling the truck into the lot, I down shift the gears and sigh as the truck makes its own hissing sound as the air brakes release the pressure. Truthfully, I want to be anywhere but here. Hopping down from the rig, I head inside the office where Caroline, my step-mom, sits behind her desk at Crews Transports.
“Welcome home,” she greets, standing and coming to me. Giving her a quick hug, I don’t say anything because I don’t want to be here.
“What’s wrong, Double?”
I shrug my shoulders. “It’s nothing.” At almost twenty-seven years old, the last thing I want to do is get a lecture or discuss my problems with my mom, or in this case my step-mom.
“Alright, Axel Devon Crews, cut the shit out right now! You’re too much like your dad. You’ve been miserable for months. Since you came home from Chicago without Yesnia, you’ve been in a mood. Cut the shit, Axel. Tell me what’s going on in that thick head of yours.”
“You sound like my mom,” I reply dryly.
This is the thing about Caroline “Lux” Crews. She loves me like her own son. She also happens to be my mom’s best friend while also being married to my dad. Strange to most, I know, but we are a close family. Lux always calls me, my dad, and Shooter on our shit, straight out, no holding back.
Lux met my dad eons ago at a Hellions barbecue. He hit on her, she rejected him, and he chased her classy ass hard. Eventually, love won, and they’ve been inseparable almost as long as my mom and Shooter. She is Lux, as in the ‘deluxe model woman’. Yes, that’s how my dad labeled her, and it stuck.
“Nothin’ for you to worry about, Lux.”
“Everything with you, I worry about. Axel, I love you.”
I pull her to me in a hug. Being so much taller than her, even with her overpriced heels, I rest my head on top of hers. Because yes, she wears overpriced shoes, the designer ones women fawn all over and men bust their asses to give to their women. I find comfort in her concern. Shit like this is what I wanted for Yesnia. I wanted her to know my family and how we operate.
“Lux, I’m a man. I got shit under control.”
She pushes away and looks me in the eye. “Axel, what the hell is going on? If you don’t want to tell me, tell your dad, tell Shooter, but dammit, let the shit out.”
I nod. “Noted.”
She stands in front of me. “I’m not bullshitting. You get tonight to rest. Tomorrow, you will talk to your dad about your headspace.”
“Or what?” I challenge her. “I’m a grown ass man. Unless you’re fuckin’ me or feedin’ me, my headspace ain’t your concern.”
She glares at me.
The kind of glare that used to mean I was about to get grounded. The kind of glare that says she is frustrated but doesn’t know what to say to me.
I’ll take her silent response as a win. It’s late and I’m over the bullshit anyway.
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead. “Thanks for caring, Lux, but really I need you to let it be.”
“You Crews men are assholes,” she huffs. “Every single one of you. Rex, Tripp, and you. If I didn’t love you, Axel, I’d smack you.”
“It’s late, Lux. I know you’re here because Dad is in Haywood’s Landing. Go home. Go to bed. I’ll lock up and see you tomorrow.”
She sighs and goes back to her desk to grab her purse. “I’m only doing this because it’s clear I’m getting nowhere with you right now. But you should know, Axel Devon Crews, this shit is far from over.”
“You know,” I say getting her attention once again, “I’m not a boy any more. You don’t have to stay here to make sure I get in okay. You can have regular business hours, Lux. This isn’t like staying up waiting on me to come home from a date or a party.”
She smiles softly at me, and her entire body relaxes. “Baby boy, there ain’t a day that you’re still breathing that your mom, your dad, Shooter, and I won’t be waiting up for you. Sure, I could have done that from home, watching the office on the cameras, but I wanted to see you, hug you, and remind you that nothing is yours to handle alone.”
Only after she finishes making me feel like shit for not telling everyone how I feel, does she leave. After I lock up, I hop on my bike and take the long way home.
The cool night air does nothing to sooth the rage boiling inside me.
It eats at me. The whole fucked up situation with Yesnia still burns.
Yesnia said she wants a man to bleed for her. What kind of shit is that? I’d lay down my life for her, but bleed for her? It makes no sense. Love is not pain. Why would she ask me to hurt for her? The pavement passes under me, and I want to twist the throttle to press my bike faster, but I don’t. I’m hurting, Yesnia. Every moment without her, my fucking soul bleeds for her.
When the open road isn’t calming, I make the turn to head home.
Currently, I have an apartment over the detached garage at my mom and Shooter’s place. It’s private. Years ago, Shooter added a garage to the main house so my mom and siblings wouldn’t get wet when it rained coming in and out of the house. Which left this space open for me to make my own.
My truck and bike stay in the garage with my tools and a beer fridge. Upstairs is my living space that has two bedrooms, two full bathrooms, a living room, and kitchen with an eat-in space. It’s not overly elaborate. The floor is a light bamboo throughout with some black accent rugs my mom and Lux said I had to have. Pretty much the entire space is done in blacks and grays. I let my mom and Lux do what women do and make it home for me. I couldn’t tell you whether the furniture came from Ikea or a second hand shop, and I don’t give a shit either. I toss my cut on the couch, making my way to my room.
In the bathroom, I strip out of my jeans and t-shirt before brushing my teeth. I feel restless as I move through the space to my room, and it’s not a feeling I enjoy. But as I lay naked in my bed, I get anxious.
Is she happy?
Does she miss me?
She sent me away. She crushed me, and I still can’t shake her. This is ridiculous.
I close my eyes, and the memory invades of a better time. We had mere months together, but we made the best of them until the end. I spent seven months with her and leaving everything here behind. I’ve been home five months and I can still remember every moment with her like it was yesterday.
She leans in. Her lips press to mine. Softly, slowly, tenderly she kisses me. She gives, and I take. Reaching out, I pull her over me, making her straddle me. My tongue devours her mouth as she pulls my hair free from my man-bun.
We are alone together in this penthouse her father is paying for with round the clock care on hand for Yesnia’s every need. Finally, we are having more and more time just the two of us and I plan to make the most of every moment.
Thank fuck she’s wearing a dress today; I slide up and over the globes of her ass. Rocking up and cupping her ass, I grind her panty covered pussy over my jean clad erection. She moans at the friction.
She pulls away from me only to arch back and take over the pace of rubbing against me. Leaning forward, I drop my head between her tits where I suck on her right breast. Gliding my hand up her dress, I cup her tit with my palm and run my thumb over her erect nipple.
“Axel, I’m so turned on,” she pants still rocking herself over me.
Pushing the dress higher, I break away from her body to remove it and toss it to the floor. She continues working her hips, and I swear I’m going to come in my pants.
Immediately freeing her from the dress, I drop my head to her nipple and suck … hard. With my hands, I use one to cup her ass, and the other I slide between us to find her soaking wet. I slide my finger between her pussy lips and into her slick, wet heat. Over and over, I work her with my finger and add a second keeping pace with her grinding. With my thumb, I find her clit and begin to tease circles over the nub. As she builds higher and higher, I tease her nipple with my tongue and press firmly on her clit as she cries out her orgasm and her juices coat my fingers and my jeans.
Bleed for It: Hellions Motorcycle Club (Hellions Ride On Book 3) Page 4