The House Opposite

by J. Jefferson Farjeon

  Her fingers tightened convulsively on his sleeve. Unconsciously, he had strengthened her case instead of weakening it. He felt himself being impelled imperiously towards the door, while rich fur brushed against shabby cloth and Houbigant mingled with stale tobacco…Now the front door was wide. The damp street opened its misty arms…And now he was on the pavement, his mind in a whirl, being bundled into the taxi…

  ‘Wot’s this?’ he protested.

  ‘My taxi,’ whispered the woman’s voice in his ear. ‘I’ll get another, but you mustn’t wait a second! I’ve told the man to drive you away, and I’ve paid him—’

  He felt her final shove. The soft fingers could be hard and capable. The next instant the taxi began to move, and he was being driven away from Jowle Street.

  His brain swam. He must steady it, and think. He groped for his cigarette.

  CHAPTER VIII

  BEN FINDS NEW QUARTERS

  THERE was no doubt about it, Ben needed a few soothing whiffs to regain his normal balance. Abruptly, within the space of a single minute, his little world had been uprooted and his immediate future changed; moreover, he was struggling to throw off the effects of the bemusing beauty that had entered the little world and had uprooted it. It had entered from a world much vaster than Ben’s. It had enveloped him with almost sinister potency, and with all the cynicism of the unattainable; yet its design had been backed by ruthless logic, or else the semblance of it, and he could not put his finger on the flaw. A flaw there must be. But where was it? That was the problem Ben hoped, with the aid of his cigarette, to solve.

  He little realised, as he inserted the dainty, gold-tipped thing, how definitely it was going to assist him in his search for the catch!

  ‘I’ll give meself a couple o’ minits,’ he thought. ‘Just a couple, that’s orl. Then I’ll do something’.’

  He struck a match, and lit the cigarette. The match-light glowed on the back of the taximan. It was a broad back, and the end of an untidy moustache protruded beyond the curve of a cheek. It must be a big moustache, Ben reflected, because it was a big cheek. Funny how you liked some moustaches, and hated others!

  The match went out. Now only the reflection of his cigarette glowed in the broad back of the taximan. Yes, it was soothing, all right! Just what he wanted. But only for a couple of minutes, mind! No longer…

  Ben watched the little glow as he puffed. It expanded and dwindled. So did the back it shone in. Now the back was enormous. Now it was tiny. Now it was enormous again. Queer, that. You could puff a cigarette glow up and down, but could you puff a back?

  ‘Wunner where ’e thinks ’e’s takin’ me,’ thought Ben; ‘’cos wherever ’e thinks, ’e’s wrong.’

  But the next moment he was wondering about something else. The back was doing extraordinary things. It was swaying. First one side, then the other. Left—right—left—right! ‘’E’ll fall off ’is seat in a minit,’ thought Ben. But he didn’t fall off his seat, and all at once Ben realised the reason, with a shock. The taximan wasn’t swaying. Ben was swaying!

  ‘’Ere—wot’s orl this?’ murmured Ben. ‘I’m comin’ over orl funny!’

  He puffed fiercely, and then suddenly raised his hand and snatched the cigarette from his mouth. His hand was like lead.

  ‘Gawd—so that was ’er gime!’ choked Ben.

  He had struck the flaw in the logic. No really nice girl carries a drugged cigarette in her case!

  Suppose he had smoked the cigarette when she had first offered it to him? She had offered it, he recalled, before he had mentioned anything about the pistol shot. He would have been feeling then as he was feeling now. The hall would have swum, instead of the taxi. He would have become limp…he would have been carried out unconscious…into the taxi…

  ‘’Ere! Stop!’ he bawled.

  That was funny! Where was his voice? He didn’t hear it! Nor, apparently, did the taximan, for he didn’t stop.

  ‘Police! Fire! ’Elp!’ roared Ben.

  But, again, it was a roar without a sound. His imagination raged, while his lips were mute. Two white arms went round him and held him. He sank into a sea of scent. A beautiful woman with a gleaming throat stood on the shore and laughed as he went under…Now, all was peaceful and velvet…

  The sense of gliding—that remained. He had not smoked the whole cigarette. The body that could no longer function glided through the velvet, conscious of movement and of occasional incidents in the movement. Sometimes, for instance, the movement became a little jerky. Sometimes a cow squeaked through it. Sometimes it changed its direction abruptly, and took loops. Sometimes the velvet became speckled with little lights, or alleviated by a momentary big one, reminding one of the sensations of passing through stations on night journeys. And, as a sort of background to it all, there was a continuous, rhythmic throbbing, soft, and very close to the ears…

  Now the movement became very jerky. Now the cow squeaked loudly, two squeaks at a time. And now the movement stopped, and the Universe paused in its transit. And now a new movement started—a heavy, formless, bumping kind of movement, that irritated one and made one vaguely rebellious. The gliding hadn’t been so bad. You could sink into it, yield yourself to it, accept it. In fact, you had to. But you couldn’t sink into this new form of locomotion through space. It shook you. It made you feel slighted. It caused your heavy arms to try and move with preventive intent, and your legs, equally heavy, to attempt kicks. But it wasn’t any good. The bumping movement went on, up, along, up, along, up, along, this side, straight again, t’other side, straight again, now tipping, now swaying, now swinging, now jolting, now cursing, now grumbling—up, along, up, along—woosh—flop!

  Ben’s form became horizontal and inert again. Stretched out limply, it entered into its last stage of impassivity. When it began to emerge, the dim space around it started separating into sections, and each section formed into an object. An enormous oblong dwindled in size as it improved in focus, till it became a wardrobe. A block became a chest of drawers. A smaller block became a chair. A curious golden arrow became the light of a street lamp streaking in through a window.

  ‘’Ere—wot’s orl this?’ muttered Ben, sitting up suddenly. But he flopped back again almost immediately, because his movement had shifted the good work of the telescope, and the focused objects were beginning to lose their definition again. Once more he became inertly horizontal, but this time with a slowly-moving brain. ‘Stop ’ere like this fer a minit,’ advised the slowly-moving brain, ‘and then try it agin more slow like.’

  After the minute, Ben tried it again more slow like. It worked better. Now he was sitting up and the objects around him did not start running away. Even the object he was sitting up on stayed where it was, and proved to be a bed.

  In a corner of the room he spotted something that spelt salvation. It was a jug in a basin. Keeping his eyes anchored upon it, he imagined a steadying rope joining himself to the jug. With the assistance of this rope he worked his legs over the side of the bed. When they touched the ground, the ground began to roll, but again the rope came to his aid and saved him from disaster. He waited for a few moments till the floor grew calmer, and then, glueing his eyes on the water jug, he made a sudden dive towards it. To his surprise, it was a bull’s-eye, and the cool handle of the jug felt good in his hot hand.

  ‘Nah fer a shower barth!’ he thought. ‘That’ll do the trick!’

  He raised the jug and inverted it over his head. He was rather surprised at the ease of the operation. He must be growing stronger! But the inverted jug produced no comfort. It was empty.

  ‘There’s a dirty trick!’ muttered Ben.

  He wanted to cry. He couldn’t stand many more disappointments. But all at once he spotted a small water-bottle on the wash-stand. It was full of water—probably last month’s, but that didn’t matter. Nor did it matter that the bottle had received its last rub before the war. He seized it avidly, and cascaded the contents all over him from his hair downwards. The ch
illy moisture made life worth living again, and battles worth fighting. Should we ever despair, when heaven itself may be contained in a filthy carafe?

  As the water trickled down him and around him his blood responded immediately and began to flow freely again. His mind worked, his scant store of courage returned. And he needed all his courage for what was before him. Turning, he eyed the door. ‘Aha!’ he cried. It was the bark of the dog that has just emerged from the sea, though not, at this moment, a good-natured dog. Its desire was to bite as well as to bark. The person to be bitten was somewhere on the other side of the door.

  Ben crossed to it. Yes, he found he could do so. A bit groggy still, of course, but he no longer needed an imaginary rope. ‘Hi!’ he shouted. ‘Lemme out!’ As he shouted, he kicked the door with his boot—his present from the dust-bin.

  No one came. He went on shouting and kicking. The door held firm.

  ‘Wotcher think yer doin’ of?’ roared Ben. ‘’Oojer think yer are? Lemme out, d’yer ’ear? Lemme out! If yer don’t, by Gawd, I’ll ’ave yer ’ouse dahn!’ Hefty kick. ‘D’yer ’ear?’ Another hefty kick. ‘Yer think I don’t mean it?’ Another hefty kick. ‘Orl right, yer bit o’ ’uman pulp with a bird’s nest on yer lip, I’ll show yer!’

  Now he heard a tread upon the stairs.

  ‘Yer better be quick,’ bawled Ben, ‘or the door’ll come dahn on yer.’

  It was a terrific kick this time. The door shook, and showed a little split.

  ‘Now, then—stop that!’ ordered a voice from outside.

  ‘Yus, likely, ain’t it?’ retorted Ben, and went on kicking.

  ‘Stop it. D’you ’ear?’

  ‘Corse I don’t ’ear? ’Ow can I? I’m lyin’ on yer blinkin’ bed drugged, ain’t I?’

  ‘You’ll lie there again in a minute, if you’re not careful!’ threatened the voice. ‘You’d better do as I tell you!’

  ‘Yus, why shouldn’t I do wot you tells me? Yer bin so nice ter me, ain’t yer? Taken me fer a nice ride and ain’t charged me nothin’. Why, I’m so fond o’ yer I’ll black yer boots fer yer—and then yer two eyes arterwards!’

  It wasn’t polished repartee, but it assisted the kicking, and evidently it worried the person outside. Some one joined him, and there was whispering.

  ‘Yus, and ’ere’s somethin’ ter whisper abart!’ bellowed Ben suddenly. ‘Good-bye to yer ’appy ’ome!’

  He staggered back to the water jug, seized it, and hurled it to the ground. It splintered with a crash. Then he seized the water bottle. There was another crash.

  ‘Tinkle-tinkle!’ cried Ben deliriously. There is a special form of delirium that accompanies the act of breaking things. ‘Didyer ’ear it? Now listen agin! This is goin’ ter be the soap dish. It’s ’ole.’ Smash! ‘Now it ain’t.’

  Agitation grew in the passage. A chair followed the soap dish. ‘Yer’ll ’ave some nice firewood in the mornin’,’ cackled Ben; ‘but I’m afraid yer’ll ’ave ter buy a noo dressin’-table.’

  The dressing table crashed over on its side. A leg splintered with a tearing sound. Ben seized another chair, and began to hammer the remains of the dressing table with it. Then he swung round…

  The door was open. The taximan had entered, in a towering rage. Behind him, providing the light for his ferocious silhouette, stood a woman with a candle. Evidently Mrs Taximan.

  Not another word was spoken. Deeds became the important matters, and the first deed came from Ben, with the raised chair. He hurled it across at the oncoming taximan.

  It struck his adversary, but it did not stop him. He still came on. ‘That’s a pity,’ thought Ben, and lunged. There was a long clinch. Its length might have rendered Albert Hall indignant, but in a little room you cannot be really sporting. ‘Well, if ’e’s ’urtin’ me I’m ’urtin’ ’im,’ thought Ben. They swayed and pummelled and jabbed. Then they rolled over, and the woman joined in.

  That wasn’t fair! Even for a little room! She had put down the candle near the door, and was kicking Ben. It is possible that she was doing so to preserve her husband’s life, for Ben was conscious that the man he was wound round was writhing desperately. Still, two against one wasn’t cricket, however you looked at it.

  Something sharp touched Ben’s hand. It gave him a nasty shock, for he thought at first a knife was being used on him. Then he realised that the cause was two half-rows of teeth. The woman was biting him.

  He saw red. Not for the first time that day, or the last. He heaved himself up superhumanly, and shoved the woman away from him. It was odd, but even after she had bitten him he couldn’t strike her. One day, the Noah-like old man with wings will have to remember that. He just shoved her, with the force of an enraged elephant, and she fell on to the broken dressing table. The next instant, Ben found himself erect, by the candle.

  He blew it out. He staggered into the passage and slammed the door. He turned the key that had been turned on him. And, choking and gasping, he tottered down the stairs.

  His one object was to gain the street before a little goblin with seventeen hundred and sixty bright eyes got hold of him, and swallowed him…

  CHAPTER IX

  THE SEAT

  FOR a brief moment we will leave Ben and take a peep into another world. The world of a good-looking young man and a more than good-looking young girl, who sat on a bottom stair and talked.

  It was not the bottom stair to which the reader has already been introduced. It was so different, in fact, that it really ought to be designated by some other name. Perhaps one day in years to come, when the surrounding walls had fallen into decay and the wallpaper was peeling and the balustrade was rocky, this stair would creak its swan song and be as dismal and as neglected as the stairs of No. 29 Jowle Street. Houses, like humans, return to dust through processes not kind or gracious. But on this particular evening it was a stair of luxury and delight—soft-carpeted, soundless, and mellow with pleasant little memories.

  From the bottom stair of No. 29 Jowle Street, you would at this instant have heard a window rattling in its loose frame, and a rat scuttling under a board. From this happier stair the young man and the girl heard dance music and rippling laughter. They were not very interested in either the music or the laughter, however, and they had actually sought their bottom stair in an effort to escape from them. The world we are momentarily peeping into comprised just their two selves, and they did not want to be reminded of any other personalities.

  ‘Oh, for a desert!’ sighed the young man.

  ‘Or the North Pole!’ added the girl.

  ‘Or the moon,’ suggested the young man. ‘But, you know, I believe people would follow us even there! Why is it, Ruth, that when two persons want to be alone, the entire population of the globe insists on pursuing them?’

  ‘Well, we’re alone now,’ the girl pointed out.

  ‘So we are!’ smiled the young man.

  But before he could celebrate the fact a door opened, and more population poured towards them.

  ‘Look here—I’ve an idea!’ whispered the young man.

  ‘It sounds splendid,’ the girl whispered back.

  ‘It is splendid,’ said the young man. ‘Are you game?’

  ‘For anything!’

  ‘Right! Then do you remember that seat where we had our first real chat?’

  ‘Of course, I do,’ she answered. ‘We discussed the back-hand grip, didn’t we?’

  ‘And one or two other little things! It was on that seat, Ruth, that we arranged to go on the river, and it was on the river that we mooted Scotland, and it was in Scotland that your people asked me to this dance, and it was at this dance that I became the happiest man between here and Sirius.’

  ‘And I the happiest girl,’ she interposed.

  ‘Very well, then! That jolly old seat isn’t very far from here. What about going and thanking it?’

  She hesitated, intrigued. It was a perfectly ridiculous suggestion. But, then, they were in a mood to do ridiculous things.<
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  ‘It isn’t June now,’ she remarked.

  ‘The seat is just five minutes away,’ he retorted.

  ‘And isn’t there a mist?’

  ‘As a matter of fact, I think it’s only four minutes away!’

  ‘Suppose we’re wanted?’

  ‘Wanted? My dear child! If anybody wants you henceforth they’ve got to ask me first, and if anybody wants me they’ve got to ask you. Objection overruled. Majority for the motion. Slip up and get your cloak, while I slip along and get my hat.’

  She laughed. She had merely objected as a sort of conventional duty. They separated, and met a minute later at the front door.

  ‘Glorious night,’ he reported, opening the door. ‘I told you so!’

  ‘Glorious!’ she agreed.

  They went out into the mist. Again, not Ben’s mist. It was a fairy mist, through which they walked very close together.

  ‘I’ve just made a startling discovery,’ said the young man. ‘There’s no such thing as unhappiness!’

  ‘Never heard of it,’ murmured the girl.

  They laughed together. For three minutes they babbled nonsense. Then, all at once, the young man pointed to a clump of foliage by some railings.

  ‘There’s our seat!’ he whispered.

  ‘Yes, but what’s on it?’ she whispered back.

  ‘Damn!’ he muttered.

  They stopped, and gazed at the blot upon their magic picture. It was a queer-shaped blot. Five feet and a few inches of twisted humanity. It certainly didn’t belong to their picture at all. It did not appear to belong to any picture, and perhaps it was that reflection that gradually softened indignation.

  ‘Poor old bloke!’ said the young man.

  ‘Shall we go up to him?’ asked the girl.

  ‘It implied sympathy, not affection,’ he answered, ‘and half the sympathy is for the seat. To what base use, eh? Still,’ he added, ‘perhaps he would move off if we gave him a shilling, and the coin would do us both a good turn.’