by V. St. Clair
Relieved at postponing the moment of removal a while longer, Topher went to answer the door, surprised to see Major Reya on the other side.
“Let me in,” she brushed past him without waiting for an invitation, whirling around to face him once she was standing in the middle of his room. “Lord it’s dreary in here. You don’t have any hobbies, do you?”
“What do you want?” he asked tiredly, watching her eyes take in his semi-naked figure. “Did you come here to stare at me in my underwear?”
She rolled her eyes and said, “God, you’re obnoxious with that Talent in. Take it out before I punch you.”
“You’d be dead before you made contact.”
“A little full of ourselves, aren’t we, Topher?” she gave him another cursory glance, as though unimpressed with what she saw.
“I’m stronger than you.”
“I’m meaner than you,” Reya countered easily. “Enough of this back-and-forth. You wouldn’t be such a dick right now if you weren’t wearing Block. Get it out so we can talk.”
Topher folded his arms across his chest and said, “I don’t take orders from you.”
“Block is a lesser Talent and you know it. The only ones who wear it long-term are too weak to face their own feelings, and if you’re too fragile to face yourself in the goddamned mirror, then you’re too weak to be one of us and you might as well retire and do the world a favor.”
Topher narrowed his eyes at her, clenching his fists experimentally to vent some of the rage lying beneath the surface of his thoughts.
“Oh my, that seems to have struck home. You’re mad enough that it’s bleeding through that obnoxious Talent. Good, then let me reiterate how disgustingly spineless, cowardly, and weak—”
Topher unsnapped the Talent and removed it from his enhancer, attaching it to the ring of others and feeling a torrent of emotion slam into him like a wall of bricks. The world was brighter, the air smelled different, and he wanted to kick Reya’s ass, punch a wall, sob unabashedly and throw himself off the top-floor of the Augenspire all at the same time.
You are failing…the voice whispered in his head, which made him want to scream his lungs out in frustration.
“What do you want with me?” he snapped at Reya in the midst of this, grappling to get control of himself and to compartmentalize his emotions as rapidly as possible.
“I want you to tell me why you keep putting that stupid thing in your head every morning and walking around like a zombie all day. It’s a slap in the face to Jessamine, you know.”
Topher was so sensitive to his feelings right now that the very sound of Jessamine’s name upset him. He wished Reya would leave him alone for ten minutes until he got everything sorted out and was ready to be functional again, but knew better than to expect such mercy from her.
“This may come as an absolute shock to you, but I was bothered by the murder of Roald Elaria, who was something of a mentor to me. I was also bothered when I had to shove a knife in one of my peers as he attempted to murder Jessamine. And speaking of slaps in the face, how about the one where my mother turns out to be—who she is? One of the last things Roald said to me was to protect his oldest daughter, and she’s out there poking the lions with a stick, daring her enemies to strike out at her again as she attempts to outpace ten years of integration efforts within her first month of office.”
Reya actually looked sympathetic when she said, “I guess it doesn’t help that Jessamine is about to marry a man none of us think is worthy of her, and you two obviously had some kind of fight when we were at your mother’s house.”
“Thank you for pointing that out, I’d nearly forgotten,” Topher said acidly. “Incidentally, there was no fight. I was out of line for questioning her wellbeing in front of others, and she was right to rebuke me for it and suggest more distance between us.”
“Oh shit, did she really?” Reya blurted out, wincing. Topher just realized he hadn’t actually told anyone about their conversation yet, but it didn’t seem to matter since everything was going to Hell anyway. “I’m sorry to hear it, but she’s kind of right. Things are different now that she is the Vicereine, and you can’t worry over her in pub—”
“I’m aware of all of this. The problem has been resolved. Wearing Block enables me to do my job without worrying about the mess inside my head, and it is paramount that we keep Jessamine alive, regardless of what else is happening around us. I realize it makes me flat—and, as you put it, a dick—but I’ll make the tradeoff any day to keep her safe.”
Reya pursed her lips and said, “But are you doing your job when you wear that thing? Sure, you’re going through the motions and performing the technical aspects of your assignments quite well—Block doesn’t make you stupid, after all. But in a real crisis, when Jessamine’s life is on the line, are you going to care that she’s about to be murdered?” She answered her own question before he could. “Probably, because you love her enough that your fear would find a way around your Talent, but would it get you to her fast enough? That’s the real question. Are you going to watch Jessamine die because you responded half a second too slowly?”
Topher hadn’t considered this before, and he searched himself honestly for an answer. Block didn’t completely stamp out his emotions, it just buried them beneath the surface. He could usually still identify what he was feeling, he just didn’t care because it didn’t touch him directly. If the hesitation cost him Jessamine, though…
“Are you really protecting her when you wear Block, or are you protecting yourself?” Reya needled him, driving the point home.
“Perhaps I should resign, since there seems to be no right answer.” Topher sighed, surprising his colleague. “I’m not in a good position to defend anyone right now; I have too many unresolved demons of my own.”
“You’re being a little hard on yourself. None of us are perfect and we all have our issues, but we’re the best there is and we do what we can. Gareth is still kicking himself over letting Roald die, even though Parl is the little shit that killed him. You think he should resign too?”
Topher shook his head and said, “When Jessamine was attacked by the laser cannon in the park, I noticed too late.” He hadn’t admitted this to anyone else, but he needed Reya to understand. “I was too focused on her—on her company, her beauty, my feelings towards her, her happiness. I would have noticed the assassin charging his weapon half a minute sooner if not for my inability to block her out. I nearly got her killed by those razor-spikes, and it’s all I can think about now. If I can’t protect her properly when I’ve got my Talents out, and I can’t protect her properly when they’re in, what good am I?”
Reya looked like she was venturing into new territory when she suggested, “Maybe you should tell her how you feel. It would address the elephant in the room and clear out one of your mental demons, as you say.”
Topher chuckled humorlessly and said, “It wouldn’t change anything. She will still marry Darius Hamish, and she will still be the Vicereine, and my boss. The only thing it will do is make her uncomfortable and further drive a wedge between us.”
“But if it helps you move past your feelings and become better at protecting her—”
“So I should trade my discomfort for hers? No,” he sighed. “I will never do that to her.”
Reya frowned and said, “Then talk to your mother. You can’t tell me there’s a good reason for not going to work out why the hell she’s been secretly acting against you for a decade. If you insist on being an idiot about Jessamine—who I personally think is crazy about you—then you should at least tackle the other skeletons in your closet.”
Topher had been avoiding his mother ever since he found out she was Hera. He still wanted to punch a wall whenever he thought about spending ten years searching for the leader of the resistance when all he had to do was stop by his childhood home.
“I don’t want to see her. She’s made her feelings about me perfectly clear.”
“Nothing abo
ut you or your mother is ‘perfectly clear’,” Reya snorted in amusement. “You are two of the most opaque, aloof, enigmatic human beings I’ve ever met. Go talk to the woman or I’ll start calling you a coward again.”
“Don’t,” he warned her.
“I figured it would get to you,” she smirked. “It doesn’t matter if you want to see her. You just told me you have too much shit in your head to do your job properly, and you swore to Roald you would protect his daughter to the best of your abilities. So, do it for her, if not for yourself.”
Damn it, I hate when she’s right.
“Fine, you’ve moved me sufficiently. I’ll go in the morning.”
“You’ll be on duty in the morning. Go now.”
“It’s late. She might be asleep.”
“You’d love nothing better than to inconvenience her while she’s sleeping. You’re just trying to delay.”
“Does Gareth actually enjoy spending time with you or is he just in it for the sex?”
Reya grinned delightedly.
“Oh definitely the sex, though he likes me more than he cares to admit. I’m thinking of ending things with Mave to be with him.”
Topher raised his eyebrows in surprise and said, “I feel compelled to tell you that he was out at lunch with another woman recently, and according to him, they slept together afterward.” He would feel bad if she left her serious boyfriend for Gareth, only to learn of this after the fact.
“The one you told Shellina was his sister?” Reya still looked amused.
“You heard about that?”
“I have eyes and ears too, Topher. Here’s the part he doesn’t think I know: the girl with him that day was an escort he paid to make it look like he was screwing around with other women. Dred has been calling him a whipped dog, so he’s been trying to convince the others he’s playing the field to get them off his back about me.”
“You’re both exhausting,” Topher said bluntly. Reya laughed.
“It’s been a fun game, but it’s almost time to end the charade and just start dating the man,” she admitted. “Anyway, promise me you won’t wear that disgusting Talent again except in the direst of situations.”
Topher scowled, wondering why she deserved any such promise from him. He was surprised to discover that her friendship actually meant something to him.
When did I stop being happy alone?
“Fine, no Block. Now will you get out of my room so I can get dressed?”
“I’ve already seen you in your underwear. Does putting clothes back on somehow make you more naked than you are now?”
“Damn it, get out of my room.” He threw a sock at her.
Reya grinned and left.
Topher pulled his clothes back on and vacillated over whether to wear his light armor and what message it would send to his mother if he did. Deciding she would see it as a sign of weakness, he left it behind and went out in plainclothes, borrowing a speeder for the trip to her house.
Odd that I think of it as her house and not mine, he realized as he merged with traffic. How long has it been since I felt at home there?
Probably since his father died, though he could barely remember the man now. For all that I loved him, I barely knew him. So many years had passed since he watched his father marching in military parades, waving proudly from the sidelines with his mother beside him. Now he was in a position higher than his father could ever have hoped to achieve, and he had no idea if the man would be proud of him or not.
It will fall…
The voice in his head was most unwelcome right now, and Topher reflexively reached for his Block Talent before stopping himself.
“You’ve been telling me it will fall for months now,” he snapped at the voice in his head, nettled. “Hasn’t the worst already happened? The Viceroy is dead—it’s already fallen, hasn’t it?”
It will fall…the voice repeated unhelpfully.
Topher snarled and snapped his pain-blocking Talent into place instead, which made him feel slightly more alert as it relieved his aches and fatigue.
He banked the speeder outside of his childhood home, landing carefully in the darkness. After a deep breath for clarity, he departed the speeder and used his Level-1 biochip clearance to override the locks on the front door.
He walked into a living room full of people. His mother was there, along with Maxton Mercuria, Ana Crumb and Risa Vorhees, all of them sitting around a coffee table with maps strewn on top of it. They startled at his sudden arrival, and Risa’s face drained of color.
“We need to talk,” he addressed his mother, ignoring the others.
She rose to her feet and pursed her lips in annoyance.
“You should have called and asked if this was a good time, or at least knocked on the door to announce your arrival,” she scolded him.
“My time is at a premium these days, and I don’t really care if my arrival is convenient for you,” Topher answered.
“Small surprise you’ve turned into such an ass,” Risa grumbled, getting to her feet. “You used to actually care about people, but now you’re too important for us.”
Topher had no patience to spare for Risa right now. She was another of his emotional demons, and after he sorted things out with his mother he would eventually return to speak to her. But not tonight.
“I have no energy to deal with you right now,” he informed her coolly. “I’m here for a specific purpose.”
Risa looked like he had slapped her and the others winced. Topher began walking towards his room, assuming his mother would take the hint and follow. She did.
“That was poorly done,” she said from behind him. “You should have a care for her feelings.”
“Right now I am so full of my own feelings that I have little to spare for anyone else. I hope to rectify the situation shortly.”
They entered his room and shut the door behind them. Topher rounded on his mother.
“Why did you become Hera?”
They stared at each other in silence for a long moment before she answered.
“Because of Corithans. And Halstead.”
Topher raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“You hated seeing me successful so much you staged a decade-long rebellion over it?”
His mother’s voice was flat when she said, “You consider what you did to be a success?”
Physically and mentally exhausted, Topher said, “Very much. My strategy at Corithans resulted in minimal loss of life and put an end to that particular conflict. By all military definitions it was a success.”
“You killed people who were fighting for justice and equality.”
“I killed people who were attacking and murdering members of the lawful government,” he corrected. “They weren’t protesting peacefully or campaigning for legislative changes; they were using guerilla tactics in an attempt to draw out the military in an extended conflict so they could eventually attempt to overthrow the Viceroy.”
Hera frowned at this but said, “You think peaceful protest would have affected change?”
“It depends on how effectively it was managed. I have no idea if it would have worked, since the rebellion never really tried.”
“And Halstead? Are you proud of your work there as well?”
“The execution was undoubtedly flawed—Commander Jarlais was a short-sighted fool—but my strategy was sound and effective, yes.”
“Interesting choice of words…since an execution was exactly what it was.” His mother seemed to be goading him on purpose.
“I already acknowledged the commander’s shortcomings. In the original plan, I recommended his troops fully infiltrate the city during the night and seize control of all the key businesses by dawn. It would have been a hostage situation, but Ash would have known it was impossible for him to win it, and he would have yielded quickly, with minimal bloodshed.”
His mother looked disgusted with him, cheeks reddening as she waved an aggravated hand, as though to bat away his words.<
br />
“You don’t know Ash half as well as you think,” she snapped at him. “He would have made a final, desperate fight, and it would have ended in the exact same slaughter.”
“The consequences would have been on his head then, and not Commander Jarlais’,” Topher said dismissively.
“I was supposed to be there, Topher.”
It took him a long time to understand what she was saying, and when he did, his features twisted in confusion.
“What do you mean? Why were you supposed to be at Halstead with the traitors?”
His mother’s voice was deathly calm when she said, “Ash was a longtime friend and mentor of mine. He had been trying to recruit me for a year, and I told him I would be there but changed my mind at the last minute. In light of recent events, perhaps you can now understand how it feels to lose a mentor and father figure to the government.”
Topher felt her words like a knife to the heart.
“Nothing clever to say to that?” she demanded.
“I didn’t realize you knew him.”
“Would it have mattered if you did?” She seemed genuinely curious. “If you had been a part of Jarlais’ squadron and you knew what Ash and his people were to me, would you have still gone there to kill them?”
“Yes,” Topher answered without hesitation. “While I think Jarlais killed far too many innocent people with his gas attacks, if he was my commanding officer I would have followed his orders. I am a soldier.”
Something seemed to deflate inside of his mother. Fine lines he had never noticed before creased her face, and her eyes had lost some of their energy. She looked old and sad.
“I know you are, and I hate you for it.” She paused. “It feels so ugly, to hate my own son—but in some ways I do. Your defenses are logical, but logic does not factor into my feelings.”
“I understand,” Topher sighed. “Were I in your position, I would probably feel the same, but I can’t be ashamed of the work I have done so far for the government. Roald was like a father to me at a time when I desperately needed one, and Jessamine is—” he had no idea how to explain the importance of the Vicereine with mere words.