“Jah, I loved her,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. “But not in the same way I’ve always loved you.”
She stared down at her hands clenched tightly in her lap. “I—I don’t see how you could love me when I’ve had such a bitter spirit. I’ve wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself because of William, and I’m afraid it’s made me anything but lovable.”
“I saw the old Miriam—the one I fell in love with when I was a boy.” Amos took both her hands and pressed them gently against his lips. “Knowing the woman you were capable of being kept me loving you.”
Miriam couldn’t speak around the lump lodged in her throat.
“Are you angry with me for speaking the truth?”
“No, Amos, I’m not angry. I only wish that—”
“It’s all right. I need you, Miriam, and so does Mary Ellen, but I’ve asked God to help me be patient, and if He wants us to be together as man and wife, then He will soften your heart toward me.”
Miriam swallowed hard. “God is dealing with me, Amos, but I’m not ready to make a confession of love yet.”
“I understand.”
“No, I don’t believe you do understand. Real love means a yielding of the heart to another person. It means commitment, loyalty, and trust. Since William’s betrayal, it’s been difficult for me to trust a man—or even God. My heart’s been filled with bitterness because of William’s betrayal.”
Amos nodded. “I know, but you’ve kept your promise and not let it show to Mary Ellen. I thank you for that.”
She sniffed. “I really do love her, Amos.”
“Jah, I can tell. I also know that you and your family have been through a lot over the last few years. You’ve suffered a great hurt losing your daed, and then Rebekah’s accident happened not long after that.”
“Everyone in the family seems to have dealt with these things. Everyone—except for me.” She leaned her head against Amos’s shoulder and released a shuddering sob.
Amos lifted her chin and looked into her eyes with such love and compassion that she felt as if she could melt into his arms. “I understand your pain, Miriam. When Ruth died, I felt as if my world had been shattered. I even felt betrayed by Ruth for leaving me alone to raise our child. I blamed God for taking her. I was bitter and angry, and I didn’t know if I could trust Him anymore. But I was reminded that His Word says, ‘I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’ I clung to the promise of that scripture verse, and one day I woke up and realized how much Mary Ellen needed me, and that I needed her.”
Amos slipped his arm around Miriam’s shoulders. “Life goes on, whether our hearts are filled with bitterness or love. Each of us must make the choice. We either choose to love, or we choose to harbor bitter, angry feelings. Hatred, anger, and bitterness are negative feelings that can make us ill. That’s why the Bible says, ‘A merry heart—’ ”
“ ‘Doeth good like a medicine,’ ” Miriam said, completing the verse. “Mom has quoted that passage of scripture to me many times. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve chosen to ignore God’s desire for my heart. Lying here in the hospital these past few days has given me time to think and pray. I want to yield to God’s will, but I’m not sure I can. I’m afraid of failing and never finding happiness.”
Amos ran his finger down Miriam’s cheek, tracing a pattern where her tears had fallen. “I’m afraid, too, Miriam—afraid of being happy again. But I do love you, and I want to make you feel happy and loved, as well. I want you to be my wife in every way. I want us to have kinner and raise them in a way so they’ll come to know God and trust in His Son as their Savior. I want our family to be full of God’s love.”
Miriam gulped on a sob. “I—I want those things, too, but I’m not sure I’m ready to have any kinner with you.”
“I understand.”
“Earlier this morning, I was reading in the Bible, and John 5:42 caught my attention. It said: ‘But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you.’ That verse hit close to home, because I don’t have God’s love in my heart. You see, I’ve never completely yielded to Him—not even when I was baptized and taken into church membership. I did it because it was expected of me, not because I truly had faith in God or His Son, Jesus.”
She paused and drew in a shaky breath. “I–I’ve struggled and tried to do things on my own far too long, and I know that I need God’s love in my heart in order to find peace and happiness for my troubled soul.”
“If you’d like to speak to Him about that now, I’ll sit here quietly with you.”
Miriam nodded and bowed her head. “Heavenly Father, forgive me for the hate and bitterness I’ve allowed to take over my heart. I thank You for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I accept His gift of forgiveness right now. Amen.”
When Miriam finished praying, she opened her eyes and looked at Amos. He smiled, but she noticed tears in his eyes, which let her know he must have felt the emotion of the moment as much as she had. He blinked, and as the wateriness cleared, his lips lifted in a smile that warmed the last frozen place in her heart. “What God doeth is well done,” he murmured.
It was then that a new realization came to Miriam. Amos wasn’t William Graber or Nick McCormick. He was a kind, caring man, and he loved her. She knew without reservation that with God’s help, her yielded heart could now become a loving heart.
Miriam took a seat at the kitchen table and took a bite of the scrambled eggs Amos had set before her. For the first time in a long while, she actually enjoyed eating. Her whole world had taken on a special glow. She felt like a freed prisoner must feel after years of confinement.
“Danki for fixing breakfast,” she said as Amos took a seat beside Mary Ellen, who sat across the table from her. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so long. I’m perfectly capable of cooking, you know.”
Amos grinned. “I rather enjoyed fixing the eggs. I haven’t done much in the kitchen since we got married. Besides, I want you to get as much rest as possible for the next few days. The doctor’s orders, you know.”
Miriam smiled in return. “These eggs are appeditlich. My compliments to the cook on their delicious flavor.”
“Can we have pancakes tomorrow, Pappy?” Mary Ellen asked. “Pancakes with maple syrup are my favorite thing for breakfast, and since tomorrow’s an off-Sunday and there’s no preaching, we’ll have plenty of time to make pancakes.”
Amos laughed. “We’ll see, Mary Ellen.”
When breakfast was over, Amos excused himself to go outside and finish the morning chores, reminding Miriam not to do anything strenuous.
“I won’t,” she promised as she took a seat at the table and opened her Bible. Having decided to have a personal time with God each day, she turned to 1 John, chapter 4: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
Miriam was glad she’d decided to quit fearing love and stop trying to be in control of everything. She could love and be loved in return. She had nothing to fear anymore because she had God’s love, as well as Amos’s. The storm that had caused her buggy accident might have battered her body, but the storm that had been in her soul for too long had battered her heart. She had sought God’s forgiveness and found the peace that only He could give.
Miriam turned the pages in her Bible and read from Philippians, chapter 4, which said, “Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.” Further down the page, she read verse 8: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
“I’ve wasted so much time thinking about all the bad things that have happened to me that I couldn’t see all the good things You’ve done for me,” she murmured.
“Who are you talking to, Mama Mim?”
Miriam turned to
see Mary Ellen standing in the kitchen doorway. The child had put on her coat and boots after breakfast, saying she was going out to play in the snow, but apparently she’d changed her mind.
Miriam reached her hand out to Mary Ellen and pulled her onto her lap. “I was talking to God.”
“But your eyes were open, and you were praying out loud.”
Miriam chuckled. “I suppose they were open.”
“I’m glad today’s Saturday and there’s no school,” Mary Ellen said eagerly. “I get to spend the whole day with my mamm and my daed!”
“Should we do something fun together?”
“Let’s bake cookies; then we can go to the Country Store; and after that, we can go out to the barn and play with Pappy’s new piglets; and—”
“Whoa! Slow down some, daughter!” Amos called as he entered the room. “Mama Mim has only been out of the hospital a short time and needs to take it easy. If we do all those things in one day, we’ll wear her clean out.”
Miriam looked up at Amos and smiled. “I’m fine, really.”
“You may feel fine, but I don’t want you to overdo.”
“I appreciate that, and I will be sure to get enough rest,” Miriam promised. “But I’ll rest after Mary Ellen and I bake some chunky chocolate peanut butter cookies.”
Mary Ellen’s face lit up. “Yum! They’re my favorite kind.”
Amos laughed. “I think all cookies are your favorite.” He took a seat next to Miriam. “May I help, too?”
“Pappy, do you know how to bake cookies now?”
“Sure he does,” Miriam teased. “He knows how to lick the bowl, and he’s an expert at eating the cookies.” She poked Amos playfully in the stomach.
He gave her a crooked grin. “It’s good to have you home, Mim.”
“It’s good to be home.” Her forehead wrinkled. “Say, what are you doing back in the house? I thought you had chores to do outside.”
“That’s true, but I got to thinking about you and thought I’d pop back inside to see how you were doing.”
“I’m doing just fine.”
Amos grinned and pushed away from the table. “Okay then. Guess I’ll head back out to the barn, but I’ll be back soon to try out a few of those cookies.”
Miriam smiled as he left the room. She knew her physical injuries were not the only injuries that were healing. So was her heart. Since love was a choice and not just an emotion, she could choose to love Amos in the way a wife should love her husband.
She reached for the most recent copy of The Budget, which had been lying on one end of the table, and opened it, hoping to find her mother’s most recent article. As she scanned the pages, she noticed the CARDS OF THANKS heading and decided to read a few submissions.
A sincere thank you for the cards, letters, visits, and money I received after my recent knee surgery.
—Abe Byler, Strasburg, Pennsylvania
Thank you to all my friends and neighbors who brought me cards, cookies, and came by for a visit on my birthday last week.
—Carolyn Kuhns, Seymour, Missouri
A heartfelt thanks to the special woman I liked to call “fair lady” for her friendship and for helping me to realize that I could find happiness with a woman. In fact, I’ve met another very special lady, and she’s even talked me into going to church with her a few times. So maybe there’s some hope for this stubborn man yet. Be happy, fair lady.
—Knight in Shining Armor, Columbus, Ohio
Miriam gasped as tears slipped under her lashes and rolled down her cheeks. That message was from Nick, she was certain of it, and he’d found happiness and wanted her to know it.
She squeezed her eyes shut and offered a silent prayer on her friend’s behalf, asking God to bless Nick, and thanking Him for the happiness that she, too, had found.
I
Amos whistled as he did his chores in the barn. He couldn’t help himself, for he was happier than he’d been in a very long time. Miriam was home from the hospital and recovering nicely, and she seemed more peaceful now that she’d committed her life to God.
“Maybe there’s some hope that she will come to love me,” he said aloud as he spread clean straw in one of the horse’s stalls. “She’s been friendlier toward me since I admitted that I’m in love with her.” He shook his head. “Of course that doesn’t mean she loves me.”
“You talkin’ to yourself or one of the horses?”
At the sound of a man’s voice, Amos nearly dropped his pitchfork, and when he whirled around, he saw Miriam’s youngest brother standing a few feet away. “Lewis, you about scared the wits out of me. I didn’t hear your horse and buggy. What’d you do, walk over to our place?”
“Nope. Parked my rig down by your blacksmith shop, figuring I’d find you there.”
“Not today.” Amos leaned the pitchfork against the wall and stepped out of the stall. “Miriam came home from the hospital yesterday.”
“Jah, I heard the doctor might be lettin’ her go soon. Mom will be happy to hear that news.”
Amos nodded. “I figured it would be best if I stuck around the house, at least through the weekend, just to be sure Miriam doesn’t do anything she shouldn’t be doin’.”
“Makes sense to me. My big sister has always been a hard worker, and she’s not likely to let a little thing like a bump on the head and a few broken ribs keep her down for long.”
“Which is why I’m not working today.”
Lewis motioned to the bales of straw stacked along one side of the barn. “Looks like you’re workin’ to me.”
Amos chuckled. “Well, the horses needed some clean bedding, and I hadn’t planned on being out here that long.” He motioned to the barn door. “Why don’t we go inside so you can say hello to Miriam? That will give me another chance to make sure she’s not overdoing.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Lewis opened the barn door and stepped outside. Amos followed.
When they entered the house a few minutes later, they found Miriam and Mary Ellen in the kitchen, baking cookies.
“Umm. . .smells mighty good in here,” Lewis said, stepping up to Miriam and giving her a pat on the arm. “Welcome home, sister. I’d hug you real good, but I know your ribs are probably still pretty sore.”
“They aren’t so bad.” She held a cookie out to him. “Try one of these.”
“Hey, where’s my cookie?” Amos asked with a mock frown.
Miriam smiled and handed him three cookies. “Is that enough?”
He wiggled his eyebrows. “I think that will tide me over for a while.”
Mary Ellen giggled. “Pappy, you’re so eefeldich.”
“Oh, you think I’m silly, do you? Why, I’ll show you silly!” Amos chased his daughter around the table, laughing like a schoolboy and tickling her as he went.
Lewis and Miriam stood off to one side, shaking their heads. “Maybe I need a couple more cookies,” Lewis said. “Then I’ll be smiling like your high-spirited husband.”
Amos scooped Mary Ellen into his arms and gave her a hug. He wouldn’t admit this to Lewis, but the reason he was so happy had little to do with the cookies he’d eaten and everything to do with the woman who had baked them.
I
Miriam had been home from the hospital for several days, and even though she said she was feeling stronger, Amos wouldn’t allow her to drive the buggy yet. So every morning, he drove Mary Ellen to school and picked her up again each afternoon. One morning when he returned from the schoolhouse, he entered the kitchen and found Miriam making a pot of coffee.
“I was wondering if you’d have time for a little talk,” she said as he slipped out of his jacket and hung it on the wall peg.
He rubbed his hands briskly together. “That sounds good if a cup of hot coffee goes with the talk. It’s pretty cold out there this morning.”
Miriam smiled. “I’ll even throw in a few slices of gingerbread. How’s that sound?”
“Real good.” Amos smacked his lips in an
ticipation and pulled out a chair at the table.
“I’ve been thinking,” Miriam began. “That is, I was wondering if it would be all right if I moved my things out of my room and into yours.”
“Are you saying what I think you are?” Amos asked as hope welled in his chest.
She nodded. “I want to be your wife in every way as God intended it should be.”
Amos pushed away from the table and crossed the room to where she stood at the cupboard cutting the gingerbread. He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around to face him. Miriam’s eyes held a look of tenderness and something more, too. Did he dare believe she might actually love him?
“Are—are you certain about this? I don’t want to pressure you in any way. I know we’re getting closer, but—”
Miriam placed a finger against his lips. “I want to be your wife, Amos. With God’s help, I want to love you as a wife should love her husband.”
Amos wrapped his arms around her as every nerve in his body tingled with the joy of holding her. “I love you so much, Miriam.”
She pressed her head against his chest, and he inhaled the sweet scent of her freshly washed hair. “I love you, too, Amos,” she murmured.
“Really?”
“Jah, it’s true.”
The words Amos had so longed to hear poured over him like healing balm, and he lifted Miriam’s face toward his and placed a gentle kiss against her lips.
She responded with a sigh, and he felt her relax against him as they kissed again. It was a kiss that told Amos how full of love his wife’s heart truly was. It was an answer to his prayers.
If love was a choice, then Miriam had made the right choice, for she found the love she felt for Amos seemed to grow more with each passing day. His tender, gentle way had always been there, but before, she’d chosen to ignore it. Now she thanked the Lord daily for helping her see the truth.
A Merry Heart Page 21